I can’t condone madness and mayhem
But sometimes, I’d like to
Sometimes, I wake in the morning with an itch under my skin
The gun trigger in my mouth, safety off
And I know, it’s not right
But god, it feels so easy with the barrel all loaded
That’s when realization sets in and I can almost see the future like a fortune:
The dread scratches at the back of my scalp
(My conscience whimpers and begs my brain to listen)
The anger eats at my amygdala
The sharp sensation of adrenaline is burning its way up my central nervous system
And the apathy...
(My illness grins)
Someone’s gonna get it today.

I promise to write something happier
I’m just very afraid right now
I know this isn’t what I feel
It’s just this moment
But
I’m still afraid
So I’ll write till it disappears
And then I’ll finish the truer thoughts I have written just for you
Because You
My love
Are not this fear in my chest!!!
But
Understand
I must write the fear somewhere
Because I Am afraid
I Am terrified
But only for this moment
Before I wake up
and recognize my happier reality
......
Hopefully (says fear)

She tastes like a piece of heaven
Captured in a human body
Soft and sweet beneath my tongue
Fingers in my hair or her mouth on my neck
The way she sinks into my arms
The blissful euphoria of her touch
And the way she moves,
A memory of madness and delight,
Sounds that make my heart flip and my jaw drop,
An intoxication
A high
Love is indeed a drug
When I am caught between her legs
And reeling with the sensation of -
Desperate.  
Need.

they say you shouldn't miss what isn't yours

Don't curse me

for missing You

Why-
When we look at objects
Like cars
Do we call them
“She”

Why are women always the object of desire
And still the center of so much abuse?

Perhaps we are abused because we don’t run as smooth or as silently as a car.

I wonder at your smile
I wonder at the way
You seem to balance
So many lives
At once
I am overwhelmed
But you feel like the most beautiful awakening
I am breaking surface
Of the Icy Lake
I am freezing
But I am alive
You and Yours
Have pulled me up and into
A new obsession
Once again

Out of the cold, idle water
Into the shivering landscape-
Propelled forward by constant movement
Nothing is made stagnant by the iced waters
But ice sure does move on land
So I slide under and in
Once again

I'd rather be authentic and rejected
than
false and accepted

Can you sing when all the sounds in your head are gone?
I can’t quite catch it
The tune
The melody
The harmony
Dissonance is all I can accomplish
Squeaky or slightly disjunct
Raspy but slightly off key
I have tried so many ******* times to change the key or adjust my own harmonics
But it doesn’t ever fit just right
And I’m not good enough to fix it
So I’ll sing out of tune
And out of turn
Because it won’t get any better
And I haven’t got the time to worry
About the way I scream the sound
Of my favorite song

It’s okay to forget the melody
As long as my memory holds the lyrics

That’s what music means anyway
It’s about the words...

I wrote a poem a year ago
It didn’t make much sense
All that could be explained
Was the overwhelming feeling of love

I thought I might get better
At putting my thoughts on paper
But it appears
I am no more apt than before

His very essence
Has worn through my words
It has made a mess of my usual writing
He has torn through the world in my mind
Leaving only the warmth of sunshine
And an overwhelming feeling of love

Even today
I cannot write well
But all that matters
Is that he understands
My overwhelming feeling of love
For him

I feel my body is not real
It’s like a picture or an abstract painting
The picture
Is not the place
Only an impression of it
The painting looks complete
From far away
But up close
it reveals itself to be only splotches of texture and many dots of color

My body is not real
Or if it is
I am only paint on canvas

I’m no good at being alone
No good at all
I want to do anything to leave my brain behind
It plagues me
It is an irreversible disease
Binding itself
As a parasite does
To my body
I am the host for this irrefutable nightmare
The walking disaster
One word away from break down, panic, or manic
My brain won’t leave me in peace
I hate being alone
Because being alone is not truly alone
It is still me and my brain
And now there’s no buffer
Only us
Going head to head in a match to the death-
My suicide or my depleting health
There is no winning for the host
Only the disease can win
The brain I was given had potential
But it was malformed and prone to infection
Now I am stuck with it
Slowly eating away at my physical health
my mental health is nonexistent
I cannot get away
And that is why I hate being alone
Because I am not diseased or infected and there is no leech feeding off my blood
It is only my mind
And I can blame no one but myself for my brain’s lack of inhibition or stable dopamine supply

i keep trying to box myself.
to squish and squeeze my being into small pieces
analyze the shards of my broken soul-
      but the odd thing is
                     the knife which broke me
is in my other hand

I just want to fit myself in the box.
cut and chop till i'm pieces enough to fit

i'm just trying to know myself
so i can fix
the things I destroyed-  in the first place

I’ve become a believer in the gods of small rooms
And I’ve come to befriend the librarians in every town I pass through
I’m a firm follower of the books on my nightstand and the childhood that got away from me
Some day I’ll learn about the reality of the matters in the big wide sky
But for now
I’m a believer in everything one might imagine could possibly join the bindings of a romance novel.

cry along the sidewalk
peaceful hanging upside-down...
on train track bridges
wild hearts and wilderness
scream into the void
run into the forest
destroy and create-
chaos.
Beauty amongst ash-
Phoenix rising from glowing disaster
dancing in the fall of the world
scream into the stars
run into the arms of darkness
cry alongside the thunder
worship at the feet of hell
destroy all else-
but the joy in your
dying
burning
bones

I can’t pretend
I’m not totally
Infatuated
With someone who
Never sees
Me
Or anyone
But himself
And
I can’t pretend
This boy isn’t the love of my life
Because
He will never
Leave the insides of my skull
He is embedded in my bone
I wear his memories like a coat
Sometimes warm sometimes heavy
I would love him
Till I pass beyond the veil of night and death
He would be the kindness of the dark
And the handsome mouth
That kisses me to sleep

At my last breath

I can pretend
I hate every second I see you
Or that
I don’t cry every moment I’m apart from you

But I Can’t pretend
I don’t love every inch of you

Just as you are

I can’t write anything happy
So I will not even try.
My one light is gone.
Snuffed out
Perhaps forever-
Through my own stupidity-
And I will wallow in that
If not in person-
For I will not be a burden-
Then in the privacy of my poetry.
Online.

Not so private after all.

I’m back to listening to punk
Punk and death metal
They’ve become comforting again
Noise is the only weapon-
When the Quiet is the only creature accompanying you-
Quiet and peace have never been acquainted
Not in my life.
When the Quiet sets in
That’s when I know it’s about to get worse
After the Quiet
Comes the voices
The problem is:
The voice of death and depression do not wander in with noise
It’s only when the night is still and my mind is empty
They come to make their home
Punk and death metal have saved my life
Once
Twice
And now they will do it a third time
The Noise is always faithful
Even as the Quiet is always drowning

I don’t think I’m worth the amount of effort it takes for someone to love me
I could never be enough as I am for what I cost to purchase
I start every sentence with ’ I ‘
And I end them all in ‘yes’
I have no boundaries
No sense of self
Just open thighs and a mouth
Still I am just as much without
Without love
Without care
Without anyone.

Purchase the girl!
She’s almost as good as free!
Purchase that girl!
Over and over and over
She’ll let you in

over and over and over
Again.

I’m not pure
It was simply a lure-
Making me think I’d found her
No.
I’m still alone
Laughing gods above my head
Still alone
Lover across my bed

No one sees my soul
I open
Only to be ****** away
I close
Only to be pounded by her emotion
I listen
But I cry in my sleep

I’m no longer pure
I thought it’d be the cure-
Making our love sweeter than before
No.
I’m still alone
Scolding parents around my door
Still alone
Pretty lover wanting more

We just were never meant to endure.

Quiet repentance
Sitting at the edge of the bed-
Or lying face down-
Sometimes there are tears
But mostly it’s just apathy
Quiet temptation causes quiet repentance
Just as small teardrops of blood rise to the surface
Pocket knives and silent death-
Despair.
After the fact,
Quiet repentance takes place...
Even as the fingers clasped in prayer, are the finger still covered in crimson

I used to dream of being kissed in the rain
But I did not imagine
It would be as wonderful as this
Spinning in darkness
Frosted streetlights reflected in emerging puddles
Freezing cold head and blue lips
but warm all over the places their hands touch
The happiness that blooms in my chest
Is the flower watered by the rain
And the result of many small kisses
Dripping down my face
Glasses spotted
Teeth chattering
But all I can do is smile
And laugh through the cold
I am in love
I am in love with being with them
And their kisses in the rain

i have waited my entire life to be kissed the way u kiss me
I have watched every movie about girl kissing lover in the rain
I’m so happy that you could be my lover in the rain
As we sit in my car
With music swooning
And the rain pouring down
My heart feels like flying
And I truly cannot remember anything but the way your mouth makes my body tremble with excitement
Do you know,
Every **** time you kiss me like that
It’s like it’s the first time
And I feel everything in the world come alive
Suddenly
It doesn’t matter what I drive off to
Because I am fuzzy with the butterflies in my brain and my stomach
The happy ones
Like what I saw in all the films
I can take on anything
If only to be with you forever.
And ****
When I look at you
you have never been so beautiful
you have never been so soft
And god, I have never been so in love

Reaching for the moon is just a ******* phrase
What’s the point in trying when the moon is just rock and empty space?

Unless you’re there

Then I’d never stop reaching

Falling.

It feels warmer

Than I remember from the last time

(Do you think I’m ready for the heat?)

Recently
I stopped taking the meds
Recently
I’ve begun to think
Life has feeling
Again
But it isn’t in a good way
Nights I would’ve spent knocked out cold-
I now spend crying
Alone and awake
Sleep gone
Love gone
Emptiness is a long lost friend
But she is one
I knew I must wave goodbye to
Forevermore

Recently
I realized
It is better to feel
Than have nothing at all

I’m going to pretend it’s improvement

I wonder how
One may convert religions
If I could open my soul anew
It would be in honor of her body
If I could recommit myself to a church
It would be only to their touch
I grew up under God’s gaze
Now I will melt under yours alone
I wonder how
One can love a body
And not worship the creature beneath it
She is my temple-

I wonder how
One may convert religions
So I may Adore All Their Pieces
At the edge of her thighs
And the satin space between her hips
There is my desire
And my rush of purity
To be made new
In the act of loving
A person so divine

I feel broken
Like little pieces
All over again.

Whole
But still ugly and stupid-
I truly never learn-
I broke myself
And him
So, I will pick up the shards
All over again.

I couldn’t stop to think
Or step away
I had to break it
Once more
I am destroying it
All over again.

But in the end
It will be okay
Because this has occurred before
And I can will myself back together
All over again.

So the cycle will repeat itself
And I will still be stupid and ugly
Just a little more facade to paint anew
And I will pretend to be whole
All over again.

doesn't it make you angry?
those who take and take and take
those who drop you all alone
those who beat you to the ground
....
and then come-a-knockin'
once again
when you're finally all cleaned up

i gave you that part of myself which makes it impossible to let go
You will call
and i will come running

No matter the distance

I think I need to relearn soft
I may need to try:
Awareness.
I want to try
To love her well
I need to make her feel safe
I may need to try
Again.
I want to try
To be worthy of her trust
I think I need to relearn
soft
aware
trustworthy
kind
Because:
I want to love her right

i think
the line between
sanity
      and
           insanity
is
how much
we
think
      on the
              things
that make
humanity
shiver
        in their
                   bones.

Lights lifting the room
Swirling color is a path running fingers on my walls

I have a thrifted children’s toy
It blinks and blinds
It dances across the internal sky of my childhood bedroom
Moon and stars
Blue then purple then red again

I have a secondhand children’s night light
I wonder if the colors are as kind to them as me..
Perhaps, I too,
Am a child

you're the kind of girl
who writes beauty personified
...
but is never written about

and i realized myself in that moment

i went to a wedding
my father looked sad
i realized in the silent car ride home
(arguing is all we do when we talk)
it was because
he believes he will never get to dance with Me
on my wedding
but whose fault is that?
still it makes me sad too
because
i will marry
           not a man
and he will
         nev' consent
to anything but.

li-ttle    de-mons  
                   yell-ing inmy head.
sick-ly    voi-ces
                         humming allmy toons
love-sick     riff-raff
                                lap-ping upmy blood
fun-ny  sun-day
                     girl walks all-alone  
stop. her.
drop. her.

Death
       for-thee
  does
        Wait.

I can’t sleep anymore
It’s getting too hard
I just lay in bed
My eyes turn red with the clock
And my chest can feel the weight growing
The weight of ghosts haunting-
The space around my body-
I can feel their weight
It presses down on my chest
And my arms
And my legs-
It’s you-
laying with me
But it is not comforting
The way it used to be
You are a ghost
Memories and broken feelings
Melding into a weight-
A ghost-
Laying on my chest
And in my arms
You are the ghosts and the weight
You are all my sleepless nights
And I am your haunted house

Sliding backwards is a sensation I am familiar with
But it is one I never wish to experience again
Tell me why I didn’t recognize the signs earlier....
Perhaps they all were upside down as well.

There is softness left in my body for him
There is compassion and empathy worming it’s way through my neurotransmitters
But I never know if he is finished destroying me
I’m not sure if I’ll ever know for sure
If he ever tried to love me though-
I would lose my sight to keep him close

Softness leads directly to my blindness
But only about You.

i love you

but we are not right for today

so i will let you go

and wave at tomorrow to walk closer

for someday

we will be right

He told me:

Talking with people is like...
This thing that
I both hate and love
Simultaneously
It’s as though I am a lump of clay
Attempting to understand a creature of heaven

And yet

Some days
People seem
So silly and
Insignificant
I can read them all
And I see no point in me-
A god-
Lowering myself to commune with the lost dead

There’s a girl
Who makes me laugh
She’s an awkward angel
Wearing
Perhaps
The largest mask
I’d like to know her
Under it all
I hope she wants
To tell me her story
If only she’d talk
I wait to listen

I am trying to stabilize myself
It becomes increasingly difficult
As the boat of reason
Floating in a wild sea of emotional meltdown
Becomes more and more worn by the waves
I often find myself wondering-
Why?
Why do I have so many ups and downs?
Why are the waves engulfing my little boat one day
and yet on others-
My boat is a yacht and I am unconcerned ...
I am trying to stabilize myself
I cannot tell if it is working
But I am trying

Intoxication and blatant lies
I pretend you’re telling the truth
You pretend I’m sober enough to ****.
I haven’t been stone cold sober since mid-May
But I sure as hell
‘Been ****** as ****.

Sweet *** with the first ******* set I’ve ever owned
You paid for it
I ****** you in it.
Sensual tongue and your desire
For yourself.  
No one else
I have honored your body-
Worshipped-
At the foot of my bed
-and through the white light of phone conversation-
But you never gave enough *****
To call me pretty

Survive they said.
i tried
Breathe they said.
i wanted to
Open your ******* eyes they screamed!
i wished to
but i couldn't see through the swelling
All i see is grey
All i feel is blue
All i know is red
Grey for the beatings
Grey for the handcuffs
Grey for the end. i endured in my body
Blue for the thoughts in my head
Blue for the endless well of tears
Blue for the sky I'll never see and the happiness i'll never know
Red for the knowledge shoved down my throat
Red for the blood that stains my clothes
Red for my innocence bled until death and the body that grabbed at my flesh

Action and reaction
Closing blinds and removing clothes
Energy engaged in creating synergy
Static electricity between-
Two bodies-
One soul to fuse
Forevermore

I don’t think she was built to last
This vessel
This shell
My body- a temple?
You must be joking.

I shall run her through till the last ounce of blood as been drunk and dripped down my pouring neck
I shall destroy her with all the malcontent of a blunt in a cigar lounge
No one else treated her like gold
So I shall rust rust rust
Till I am all but bone

That girl
               you think you know
she's moody.
personality: kinda sappy
dark-
but she's still happy           (right?)
she's   r a n d o m   and crazy
           (she could give the demons of hell a run for their money)
But she's not That depressed or hazy
she's not sunken to darkness That low       (surely?)
But
         I tell you
                                  what the hell do you know?

I am not daunted by your darkness
I am not shattered by your pieces
I do not stumble on your shards
Nor trip on your sharp edges

What you hold
I long to have
A loving touch
A soothing glance
A sharpened knife
Or braided whip

I do not flinch at pain
Only at rejection
I will not disappear
At the sight of your wounds

I offer only
Outstretched arms
For you are mine
And I do not fear the dark that
Treads in your wake

the thing about Love
is that
it's kind of like a unmarked, beautifully-wrapped Gift
                      
you don't want to keep it forever

but you don't want to give it to the wrong person
                      
because the Packaging can never be replaced.

Sure,
it can be taped up or redone

but it'll never be the way it was
Before

someday i will make your heart so happy
that every worry of your mind
will be no more