If I was a corpse
Do you think you would see me differently
Would my cold eyes suddenly become a more haunting shade of blue?
Would my misery and pain be more apparent
Or would it disappear in the fondness of nostalgia ?
If I was a corpse
I think I could get you
Just where I want you
Maybe you could love me
If I was cold and dead
Even if
It’s only memories

I still stall on your words
And I still love every inch of you
But I can see you disappearing
And it’s breaking my heart

Even though I have you as mine-
Again-
You are as far from Mine
as you ever have been

I have to remember
Not to break people
They are A lot more messy than
Things

And I’ll feel guilty
For all of eternity
For breaking you.

I feel my body is not real
It’s like a picture or an abstract painting
The picture
Is not the place
Only an impression of it
The painting looks complete
From far away
But up close
it reveals itself to be only splotches of texture and many dots of color

My body is not real
Or if it is
I am only paint on canvas

marred by convention
wearing tradition like a blinding bandage
it slings itself across my eyes
justice is blind
but not
in this way,
not in the binding way.
i never imagined I wore tradition on my forehead
i never imagined I had convention choking out my mind
the lack of oxygen to the brain...
i still desire to change.

Please
Teach me how to become something more
To love and to care
Without any judgement
Teach me how to untie the blindfold
And make my eyes healed to see...
I still desire to change.

the question now:
how can I?

It’s about time I talked
About it all
So here it is

I only remember buzzing
and fuzzy shots
of blurry people with even more blurry conversations
I remember the walls and holes in the ground
They had tried to seal them up
The tar black was reopened
Wounded floors
Wounded people
Walls with punctures like knives
White and cold
Blue fragile and cheap blankets
thin Pale sheets
White is the easiest to bleach I suppose
I don’t know what happened
I still want to die
I just won’t try anything
My father asked me
What do you hope for
And I had no words
The only thing I hope for
Beyond a dream
The only desire
Is death
How do you tell the man who has watched you grow from infancy to adulthood that his pain was all for nothing
You are long g on e
Forever drifting
Hope is only a good friend for the pure hearted
I am evil
And I can only hope I will die and my future evil should be dissipated forever

Survive they said.
i tried
Breathe they said.
i wanted to
Open your ******* eyes they screamed!
i wished to
but i couldn't see through the swelling
All i see is grey
All i feel is blue
All i know is red
Grey for the beatings
Grey for the handcuffs
Grey for the end. i endured in my body
Blue for the thoughts in my head
Blue for the endless well of tears
Blue for the sky I'll never see and the happiness i'll never know
Red for the knowledge shoved down my throat
Red for the blood that stains my clothes
Red for my innocence bled until death and the body that grabbed at my flesh

When you need to he(a)r
"I love you"
All I want to do is tell you.       (again. and. again.)

I will kiss the words back into you
A(l)ong every scar on your body
Till you understand my love through and through

I will speak it every day,
When you're crying or in pain
I'll take your hand and those three (w)ords-
I will again say

I will write it on paper,
p(a)rchment, napkins, and sticky notes.
All throughout your world-
Just so-
you get reminders that:
                                                  I Love You

and maybe

if i'm luck(y)

and i play my cards right

i'll keep seeing your (s)pecial sort of smile-
every once.
                        in a while.

There is softness left in my body for him
There is compassion and empathy worming it’s way through my neurotransmitters
But I never know if he is finished destroying me
I’m not sure if I’ll ever know for sure
If he ever tried to love me though-
I would lose my sight to keep him close

Softness leads directly to my blindness
But only about You.

Brokenness of the heart
Is an infected wound
It will not heal like a cut or a piercing
The mind and heart become sick off the pain and the mourning

I’m back to listening to punk
Punk and death metal
They’ve become comforting again
Noise is the only weapon-
When the Quiet is the only creature accompanying you-
Quiet and peace have never been acquainted
Not in my life.
When the Quiet sets in
That’s when I know it’s about to get worse
After the Quiet
Comes the voices
The problem is:
The voice of death and depression do not wander in with noise
It’s only when the night is still and my mind is empty
They come to make their home
Punk and death metal have saved my life
Once
Twice
And now they will do it a third time
The Noise is always faithful
Even as the Quiet is always drowning

Asleep in my arms
Soft as you breathe
Comfort in your presence
My world is at ease

I cannot but smile
I haven’t been this ...
                   at peace
For quite some time

At last I have found
Someone to treasure
To have and to hold
From this day - forever

I think
I might die
Soon

The softened feeling of chapstick against a cheek
Where pressed her mouth to brush me quickly in surprise
The slightly dampened paste stuck against my face
A stamp I never want erased
I’d treasure it like an angels touch as
It is an Angel
My angel kissing me
Leaving a piece of herself to seep into my lips and to redden my cheeks  
Leaving me floating in the wake
Of her ethereal bliss
Longing
For her simplest touch
Once again

Warm thoughts
Like waves of strawberry wind
Like windows rolled down in the summer
And slow dancing in twilight fields
Midnight thoughts
About her laying on my chest
About her laughter which makes me smile
and her heavenly scent swirling in the air about me
Crying thoughts
Because she doesn’t know how priceless she is
Because she can’t seem to see that she deserves
Everything
And hoping with all my heart
I can give her an embrace that but imitates that elusive safety she is missing
Smiling thoughts
The feeling of her mouth against mine still lingers...
My windows down
My music screaming
Driving away-
But knowing
I’ll see her another day

She tastes like a piece of heaven
Captured in a human body
Soft and sweet beneath my tongue
Fingers in my hair or her mouth on my neck
The way she sinks into my arms
The blissful euphoria of her touch
And the way she moves,
A memory of madness and delight,
Sounds that make my heart flip and my jaw drop,
An intoxication
A high
Love is indeed a drug
When I am caught between her legs
And reeling with the sensation of -
Desperate.  
Need.

Something happy.... something.... happy...
I can remember happy things

I think

I never told you but I wrote about you
For therapy
I felt silly
But it made me happy
I wrote about our picnic
When we had dated for only a year
It felt like forever
But it was a good forever
I wish I could go back to that

Drinking without feeling very much
is like
sleeping when your bones ache with tiredness
but finding no peace upon awaking
I guess its more like
insomnia
Except
   everything gets a litttlllleeee
blurry...

I’m no good at being alone
No good at all
I want to do anything to leave my brain behind
It plagues me
It is an irreversible disease
Binding itself
As a parasite does
To my body
I am the host for this irrefutable nightmare
The walking disaster
One word away from break down, panic, or manic
My brain won’t leave me in peace
I hate being alone
Because being alone is not truly alone
It is still me and my brain
And now there’s no buffer
Only us
Going head to head in a match to the death-
My suicide or my depleting health
There is no winning for the host
Only the disease can win
The brain I was given had potential
But it was malformed and prone to infection
Now I am stuck with it
Slowly eating away at my physical health
my mental health is nonexistent
I cannot get away
And that is why I hate being alone
Because I am not diseased or infected and there is no leech feeding off my blood
It is only my mind
And I can blame no one but myself for my brain’s lack of inhibition or stable dopamine supply

You are the dearest creature to me
I didn’t know if you’d come back

Yet, here you are
I can reach out
Through time
And in a day
Your hand could be in mine

Dear god
I hope your hand is in mine

I have hope
And it refuses to wither away
Or be drowned out
It breathes in my ear

I miss him
I miss him
I miss him

I cannot let go of the chance
To have you again
And the desperate desire to keep you

Though I am reaching for the stars
I have hope
He’ll reach down to my mortal realm
And let me touch his heavens
Once again

I cannot read the future
But I hope (with time)
He may come to trust me

So, I will rebuild the broken shambles
Of my home
In his bed of starlight
And I will Never burn it down again.

It’s time to let go,
To let my body drift away
Maybe I’ll wash up on some abandoned shore
Or an oil covered river along the wretched edges of Venice
It’s time to watch it all
Slip away...

Perhaps,
I should stop saving the things only I can save
Perhaps,
It is time to take what is given to me and bite my tongue
Perhaps, I should not scream and thrash against the howling tide-
Desperately seeking a perfect resolution where everything is fixed and I am with you once again...

One last time,
I will breathe deep
And sink under
To wash myself clean
And wake up *****-
Alone in the dark and the damp and the cold
One last time....

It’s time to let go,
Today I will watch the opportunity to fix it
And I will let it slip away.

If I alone am burdened to fix it-
Was it even true love in the first place?

She walks on moonlight
And in the purple dusk
In between those murky moments
just before the sun disappears
Bluest eyes
Seem to glow
Under that pale moon
and all those falling stars
Where smiles glow white
And man gives way to werewolf,
Under the cover of night,
All things
find an unnatural way about them
Be careful where those glowing eyes go,
Under pale moonlight,
Some things
Come to being
And they are more than just the lonely woods ...

Love would be no sweeter
Than the love they give me
Tastes like caramel
and eating...
Cookie dough off a spoon
Love could be no softer
Than the skin between their thighs
Their hand in mine
The feeling of hair sifting through fingers...
The thought of more than just their soft hair between my fingers....
Love should be no less
Than all the secrets I’ve shared
The vulnerability of being theirs
The desire...
For them as my own
And worshipping the inches between my mouth and their....
Temple
Love cannot be anymore lovely
Than this river of passion and protective nature
Rushing out my pores and washing us away
carry us...
Away

My arms feel like lead pipes -
Hollow metal husks
The passage for heated blood to travel my body

The bones were not strong enough
Nor was the mind
But metal is unfeeling
it will not melt when the heat of blood and rage pumps

I like to imagine
The weight inside of my arms (and my legs and my head and my heart) is metal-
Holding me up-
Even if I am lying to myself

I feel as though I have wandered alone
Even when I was not

Blood roaring in my ears
Reverberating rush from the pipes of under my skin
The metal and the blood
Weighing me down

So much weight
I do not know that my unstable flesh and defeated skeleton can hold up any longer
The strength of the cold metal is not helping me in my fight
As I thought it could

I promise to write something happier
I’m just very afraid right now
I know this isn’t what I feel
It’s just this moment
But
I’m still afraid
So I’ll write till it disappears
And then I’ll finish the truer thoughts I have written just for you
Because You
My love
Are not this fear in my chest!!!
But
Understand
I must write the fear somewhere
Because I Am afraid
I Am terrified
But only for this moment
Before I wake up
and recognize my happier reality
......
Hopefully (says fear)

Closeness without connection is an
Absolute
*******
Train wreck
i have never been so uncomfortable with him
As I am now
I can see in his body language
The way he is present in his body
But not with his mind
I long to bring him back to me

I can’t sleep anymore
It’s getting too hard
I just lay in bed
My eyes turn red with the clock
And my chest can feel the weight growing
The weight of ghosts haunting-
The space around my body-
I can feel their weight
It presses down on my chest
And my arms
And my legs-
It’s you-
laying with me
But it is not comforting
The way it used to be
You are a ghost
Memories and broken feelings
Melding into a weight-
A ghost-
Laying on my chest
And in my arms
You are the ghosts and the weight
You are all my sleepless nights
And I am your haunted house

Feeling lonely
Losing the love of your life
Feels
Lonely
Everything that once was so full-
Of them-
Is suddenly
Empty.
And you are left.

Feeling lonely.

Perhaps you are not even totally alone
You could be surrounded by the masses
But you’re still
Lonely
That space they took up in your life
Is now void
Once again
And all the nights-
When the world is partying, working, or fast asleep-
Are without their fingers in your hair
And their arms around your waist
All the mornings-
The early times when you are still blurry in the eyes and the mind-
Are without their small kisses
Or their midnight murmurs
The way they talk in their sleep
The way they look so at peace or smile in dreamland

All Gone.

So
You are left
Feeling lonely
In the liminal spaces of life
Where nothing ever existed but them
In the holes they filled
The sand of time spills out
And you are gaping open-
Wide-
Again.
Losing the love of your life
Feels
Lonely
So so ... lonely

I don’t know
How to
Love
Anymore
But my body
Remembers
The action
So
I will do
It
Till I
Remember
How It Feels

I’ve given up
All those pretty packaged dreams
A future
A lover
Hope
All are lost to my dissipated and medicated desire

All I want now
Is to be high
Higher than I’ve been before
Dancing alone
At 3am
On a Tuesday night
No party in sight
Only lights on
are in my head
And the blinding white
of my phone screen and anime

Lonely highs
Are truly a new low

He looks like god
He is my god
Does he know it
The way I absolutely obsess over him
He is everything to me
I am so ******* attached
His claws are in my back and they dig into my stomach
I can feel him diving deeper deeper
Till he surfaces again
Coming up for air through the front of my rib cage
I cannot escape
And if I did
Well
I’m already dead
I could never be accepted
Anywhere else

I used to dream of being kissed in the rain
But I did not imagine
It would be as wonderful as this
Spinning in darkness
Frosted streetlights reflected in emerging puddles
Freezing cold head and blue lips
but warm all over the places their hands touch
The happiness that blooms in my chest
Is the flower watered by the rain
And the result of many small kisses
Dripping down my face
Glasses spotted
Teeth chattering
But all I can do is smile
And laugh through the cold
I am in love
I am in love with being with them
And their kisses in the rain

I don’t know if I’m real
I think I could drive away and no one would give a ****
Maybe I’m no longer writing poetry
It’s all just blatant confession
I wish I could find something worthwhile

It’s all just a mess

Failing is relative to most of the world
But right now
It feels pretty **** specific to me

fatal attraction and ethereal attachment
there's too many changes-
in you and me-
we have been pushed together like magnets
but
perhaps our energy is one that repels
And we have been forcing ourselves together
In opposition to the healthy charges of our attractions
perhaps we are not a positive charge
but two negatives

Stay
******
Inside my bones
It’s empty
In here
We know
God is dead
And the Devil
runs rampant
Staying ******
Seldom sober
Wandering mind
Stationary body
In space without moving
Floating up-
Up
Further
Till all I feel
Is consumed.
Staying
******
Inside my bones
I still am...
So alone.

I wonder at your smile
I wonder at the way
You seem to balance
So many lives
At once
I am overwhelmed
But you feel like the most beautiful awakening
I am breaking surface
Of the Icy Lake
I am freezing
But I am alive
You and Yours
Have pulled me up and into
A new obsession
Once again

Out of the cold, idle water
Into the shivering landscape-
Propelled forward by constant movement
Nothing is made stagnant by the iced waters
But ice sure does move on land
So I slide under and in
Once again

He doesn’t kiss me the way he used to
Which is understandable
He is in pain, and so was I
But I want it back
That way he kisses me
It made my whole body melt
I could taste it for hours after-
The soft glow-
Even as I drifted to sleep
Those nights felt like eternity
The ghost of his mouth full of butterflies in my loneliness memory
...
I’ll write this
In hopes
He’ll forgive me

I have always liked my eyes
Why now
Are they so hollow
They used to be a brilliant blue
Now they are equally red
And the veins Seem to be
on
The
Edge
Of bursting
the purple under my eyes...
You could not compete
no leftover bruise or dying man
Has the purple and red eyes
Of a suicidal individual

I miss you my love
It’s odd
To get used to the rhythm of ones voice
And have it disappear completely
It reminds me
To always treasure my every -
Second
With you
For you are the woman I want to spend -
My life
Dancing with
To walk hand in hand
Through fire and water and everything we must face in this life
I miss you
But it’s a good reminder
...
I’ll buy u flowers the next time I see you

More than you know:
It’s not condescending
It’s just a phrase meant to frame my fizzy feelings
I swear I’m not washed up
(Though my use of words is slow)
Only a washed up poet
My words kinda crinkle together
Curses. Mounting. Lions-heads.
My feelings there pinned to a wall
Nailed to realism and limited reality
I am forced to find a set of words,
Which lessen the chains of limited speech-
There in I find;       I must say...
More than you know:
To throw off the restraints
On the confines of language-
For I love you more than you believe
And more than the limits of speech

I miss you
I was doing so well
Without you
And now I miss you
All over again
It hurts so deeply
That you are falling out of love with me
And there’s nothing
I can do
To get you back

cry along the sidewalk
peaceful hanging upside-down...
on train track bridges
wild hearts and wilderness
scream into the void
run into the forest
destroy and create-
chaos.
Beauty amongst ash-
Phoenix rising from glowing disaster
dancing in the fall of the world
scream into the stars
run into the arms of darkness
cry alongside the thunder
worship at the feet of hell
destroy all else-
but the joy in your
dying
burning
bones

I hate the things
I let you do to me
I hate the way
My body boils
For your pleasure
I hate the way
I love to burn myself
Alive
For the sound of your laughter
I hate the way
You only love me
When no one watches
And I hate the way
I am nothing
But so desperately want to be something
That I let you
Step all over my heart

I hate the way I am so ******* broken
Over and over

Has it set in yet?

The apathy

Once Drowning in these painful experiences.

Cringing at the bloodied bodies of heartless ventures dying  
Crying when your mother screams your name
Cracking beneath the pressure
...
Has your job finally overwhelmed your mortal reactions
Has your soul finally given way
Do you even hear the noises -

Or only the silence Now.

The apathy

Has it set in yet?

My numb little shell
I’m trying to tell the truth
I am the bad guy
I know I’m the villain
It bothers me when people try to
Make me feel better
For the ****** things I’ve done
A villain’s actions are not compromised
There are no pathetic attempts of
Following the better path
Only the destruction of the good remains
When you have done evil to another
Accept it
Throw pride away
Quake in fear at what you have caused
And then pick up
And start all over
Even if you have work twice as hard to rebuild

I can feel the burning
in the back of my brain
The warmth
unkindly using my cells as kindling

Jealousy and sorrow
Are close friends
They feed off each other
And their chemicals form wildfires
In my mind
My jealousy and sorrow have become-
All consuming

He slept with them
Someone I don’t even know
Someone prettier
Someone kinder
Someone who tasted like lust and candy

Did you like it when your mouth was kissing its way down their body?
Or did you only think of me?
For how could that be the case if you continued.
Did they say your name in that way you like?
Is that what made you want to hear it in bed?

He slept with them
And I can’t even be upset
Because I understand why

And it’s my fault.

Still I am left wondering
Will I taste as sweet?
Or look as good?
Does my face need fixing or my body need shrinking?
Will I love as well as they?

Is my love undesirable?
Am I undesirable?

For how could you desire them in a matter of days
But turning back to me say
“I do not want you in that way”

I think I am lesser.
Perhaps I must accept that...

My mind is still burning.
It will not reduce.

I am not daunted by your darkness
I am not shattered by your pieces
I do not stumble on your shards
Nor trip on your sharp edges

What you hold
I long to have
A loving touch
A soothing glance
A sharpened knife
Or braided whip

I do not flinch at pain
Only at rejection
I will not disappear
At the sight of your wounds

I offer only
Outstretched arms
For you are mine
And I do not fear the dark that
Treads in your wake

I think I need to relearn soft
I may need to try:
Awareness.
I want to try
To love her well
I need to make her feel safe
I may need to try
Again.
I want to try
To be worthy of her trust
I think I need to relearn
soft
aware
trustworthy
kind
Because:
I want to love her right

I don’t like crying
Yet. (There’s
                Water
          Falling from
                     My eyes)
I don’t like tears
Yet (they
drip
down
my
Face).

to think without clarity
(a fuzziness inside)
to speak without correct words
(broken judgement)
to hurt without blood
(a head full of screaming)

washed up intelligence
equals
splintering headspace

is it shame or terror,
making it hard to see straight