To hold u is to live
Cherishing every second
And yet
Still desiring more
To the end I will love you
Never growing tired of you
And Always
Missing you when ur gone
To me you are beautiful
When you cannot see it
Still
I will remind you every day

You are that which softens my edges
And strengthens my soul -
Apart simply walking
...
With you
I am flying

i don't see
i don't hear
i don't know
i don't understand
i don't imagine
i don't create

idontFEEL

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ME, MY SOULMATE

marred by convention
wearing tradition like a blinding bandage
it slings itself across my eyes
justice is blind
but not
in this way,
not in the binding way.
i never imagined I wore tradition on my forehead
i never imagined I had convention choking out my mind
the lack of oxygen to the brain...
i still desire to change.

Please
Teach me how to become something more
To love and to care
Without any judgement
Teach me how to untie the blindfold
And make my eyes healed to see...
I still desire to change.

the question now:
how can I?

Failing is relative to most of the world
But right now
It feels pretty **** specific to me

Violence of the mind.

black holes.
they come swallowing everything whole

dripping jaws.
they come tearing at chunks of fresh flesh

war of the mind.
gunshots gouged in blood wet heads
spears stabbing through blood wet sides
knives nestled in blood wet necks

madness-
of the mind.

Come one! Come all!
Come see the sickest sight of all!
this madness of the mind
i see it clear,
when i look in the mirror.

My arms feel like lead pipes -
Hollow metal husks
The passage for heated blood to travel my body

The bones were not strong enough
Nor was the mind
But metal is unfeeling
it will not melt when the heat of blood and rage pumps

I like to imagine
The weight inside of my arms (and my legs and my head and my heart) is metal-
Holding me up-
Even if I am lying to myself

I feel as though I have wandered alone
Even when I was not

Blood roaring in my ears
Reverberating rush from the pipes of under my skin
The metal and the blood
Weighing me down

So much weight
I do not know that my unstable flesh and defeated skeleton can hold up any longer
The strength of the cold metal is not helping me in my fight
As I thought it could

He looks like god
He is my god
Does he know it
The way I absolutely obsess over him
He is everything to me
I am so ******* attached
His claws are in my back and they dig into my stomach
I can feel him diving deeper deeper
Till he surfaces again
Coming up for air through the front of my rib cage
I cannot escape
And if I did
Well
I’m already dead
I could never be accepted
Anywhere else

Closeness without connection is an
Absolute
*******
Train wreck
i have never been so uncomfortable with him
As I am now
I can see in his body language
The way he is present in his body
But not with his mind
I long to bring him back to me

I don’t want to be your girl
But
I also don’t want to be anyone’s girl
Anymore
Maybe a girlfriend
But lover is more appealing
I don’t want to be a girl
Anymore
At least
Some of the time
I’m somewhere between heaven and hell
When I get called pretty girl
I want to be Pretty
But not a Girl
I want to be admired
But without the constructs of social gender
I just want
To be desired
As a Woman or a Man
As a Person or Human
But not as a Female or a Male Distinctly
How do I meet the standard of social desirability
Without
The pressure of a binary box

i have waited my entire life to be kissed the way u kiss me
I have watched every movie about girl kissing lover in the rain
I’m so happy that you could be my lover in the rain
As we sit in my car
With music swooning
And the rain pouring down
My heart feels like flying
And I truly cannot remember anything but the way your mouth makes my body tremble with excitement
Do you know,
Every **** time you kiss me like that
It’s like it’s the first time
And I feel everything in the world come alive
Suddenly
It doesn’t matter what I drive off to
Because I am fuzzy with the butterflies in my brain and my stomach
The happy ones
Like what I saw in all the films
I can take on anything
If only to be with you forever.
And ****
When I look at you
you have never been so beautiful
you have never been so soft
And god, I have never been so in love

Asleep in my arms
Soft as you breathe
Comfort in your presence
My world is at ease

I cannot but smile
I haven’t been this ...
                   at peace
For quite some time

At last I have found
Someone to treasure
To have and to hold
From this day - forever

I hate the things
I let you do to me
I hate the way
My body boils
For your pleasure
I hate the way
I love to burn myself
Alive
For the sound of your laughter
I hate the way
You only love me
When no one watches
And I hate the way
I am nothing
But so desperately want to be something
That I let you
Step all over my heart

I hate the way I am so ******* broken
Over and over

I still stall on your words
And I still love every inch of you
But I can see you disappearing
And it’s breaking my heart

Even though I have you as mine-
Again-
You are as far from Mine
as you ever have been

I have to remember
Not to break people
They are A lot more messy than
Things

And I’ll feel guilty
For all of eternity
For breaking you.

I’m back to listening to punk
Punk and death metal
They’ve become comforting again
Noise is the only weapon-
When the Quiet is the only creature accompanying you-
Quiet and peace have never been acquainted
Not in my life.
When the Quiet sets in
That’s when I know it’s about to get worse
After the Quiet
Comes the voices
The problem is:
The voice of death and depression do not wander in with noise
It’s only when the night is still and my mind is empty
They come to make their home
Punk and death metal have saved my life
Once
Twice
And now they will do it a third time
The Noise is always faithful
Even as the Quiet is always drowning

I don’t know if I’m real
I think I could drive away and no one would give a ****
Maybe I’m no longer writing poetry
It’s all just blatant confession
I wish I could find something worthwhile

It’s all just a mess

I don’t need poetry
Or any other outlet
When I’m happy

But I need it so desperately
when I’m destroying myself

If you’ve ever wondered:
The mind of a suicidal teen is not always
Empty.
Sometimes
It is so full andicantchangeanythingsoitryto
Release
But the release is usually red and ****** and messy and painful
I was told not to keep using this
‘Coping mechanism’
But it works
And it has worked for years

Why should I stop associating with the only friend who has ever looked death in the face
Glaring eyes of ******* steel
Reality on its edge
It brings me back
And it has yet to be beat by the violent voices

That’s more than I can say for the rest of the ‘coping mechanisms’ I have

Self harm.
That’s my friend’s name.
She has stood by me.
reminding me again and again-
YOU ARE ALIVE
FIGHT TILL YOU ******* DROP

Lover,
Do you understand the way my heart desires you?
the way my soul longs for your touch-
Not the touch you give without thought
Or the kisses you do not seem to mind-
Those are but the surface of the endless desire
No, my love
the way I long for you is without parallel
I could spend my nights pining
Or spend verse after verse of exposition-
Like those poets of old-
But it would be no use
Lover,
I hope you understand,
I have tried to speak my mind,
You are all I want
And all I think of late at night
You are the stars and the rain
And every small, strong, beautiful, and rugged thing
...
I simply desire the intentional love you give me
Please, my dearest
Do not forget to love me with intention

I wonder at your smile
I wonder at the way
You seem to balance
So many lives
At once
I am overwhelmed
But you feel like the most beautiful awakening
I am breaking surface
Of the Icy Lake
I am freezing
But I am alive
You and Yours
Have pulled me up and into
A new obsession
Once again

Out of the cold, idle water
Into the shivering landscape-
Propelled forward by constant movement
Nothing is made stagnant by the iced waters
But ice sure does move on land
So I slide under and in
Once again

I don’t like crying
Yet. (There’s
                Water
          Falling from
                     My eyes)
I don’t like tears
Yet (they
drip
down
my
Face).

Brokenness of the heart
Is an infected wound
It will not heal like a cut or a piercing
The mind and heart become sick off the pain and the mourning

Drinking without feeling very much
is like
sleeping when your bones ache with tiredness
but finding no peace upon awaking
I guess its more like
insomnia
Except
   everything gets a litttlllleeee
blurry...

she's gonna have me falling
i swear she is
she looked at me once

now i want to kiss her lips

why
AM I LIKE THIS

**** love,
i kinda just want to stare into the abyss
...
(till she kisses me anyway)

I’ve given up
All those pretty packaged dreams
A future
A lover
Hope
All are lost to my dissipated and medicated desire

All I want now
Is to be high
Higher than I’ve been before
Dancing alone
At 3am
On a Tuesday night
No party in sight
Only lights on
are in my head
And the blinding white
of my phone screen and anime

Lonely highs
Are truly a new low

You are the dearest creature to me
I didn’t know if you’d come back

Yet, here you are
I can reach out
Through time
And in a day
Your hand could be in mine

Dear god
I hope your hand is in mine

I have hope
And it refuses to wither away
Or be drowned out
It breathes in my ear

I miss him
I miss him
I miss him

I cannot let go of the chance
To have you again
And the desperate desire to keep you

Though I am reaching for the stars
I have hope
He’ll reach down to my mortal realm
And let me touch his heavens
Once again

I cannot read the future
But I hope (with time)
He may come to trust me

So, I will rebuild the broken shambles
Of my home
In his bed of starlight
And I will Never burn it down again.

fatal attraction and ethereal attachment
there's too many changes-
in you and me-
we have been pushed together like magnets
but
perhaps our energy is one that repels
And we have been forcing ourselves together
In opposition to the healthy charges of our attractions
perhaps we are not a positive charge
but two negatives

I don’t know
How to
Love
Anymore
But my body
Remembers
The action
So
I will do
It
Till I
Remember
How It Feels

Satisfied
God-
you bring it to a new level
In a way I’ve never experienced
Every inch is like imagination rewritten
My fingers on ur back....
Mouth on yours
Without fail, you bring me to my knees
So
Completely
Overcome

I have always liked my eyes
Why now
Are they so hollow
They used to be a brilliant blue
Now they are equally red
And the veins Seem to be
on
The
Edge
Of bursting
the purple under my eyes...
You could not compete
no leftover bruise or dying man
Has the purple and red eyes
Of a suicidal individual

Sliding backwards is a sensation I am familiar with
But it is one I never wish to experience again
Tell me why I didn’t recognize the signs earlier....
Perhaps they all were upside down as well.

More than you know:
It’s not condescending
It’s just a phrase meant to frame my fizzy feelings
I swear I’m not washed up
(Though my use of words is slow)
Only a washed up poet
My words kinda crinkle together
Curses. Mounting. Lions-heads.
My feelings there pinned to a wall
Nailed to realism and limited reality
I am forced to find a set of words,
Which lessen the chains of limited speech-
There in I find;       I must say...
More than you know:
To throw off the restraints
On the confines of language-
For I love you more than you believe
And more than the limits of speech

I think
I might die
Soon

I can’t sleep anymore
It’s getting too hard
I just lay in bed
My eyes turn red with the clock
And my chest can feel the weight growing
The weight of ghosts haunting-
The space around my body-
I can feel their weight
It presses down on my chest
And my arms
And my legs-
It’s you-
laying with me
But it is not comforting
The way it used to be
You are a ghost
Memories and broken feelings
Melding into a weight-
A ghost-
Laying on my chest
And in my arms
You are the ghosts and the weight
You are all my sleepless nights
And I am your haunted house

Survive they said.
i tried
Breathe they said.
i wanted to
Open your ******* eyes they screamed!
i wished to
but i couldn't see through the swelling
All i see is grey
All i feel is blue
All i know is red
Grey for the beatings
Grey for the handcuffs
Grey for the end. i endured in my body
Blue for the thoughts in my head
Blue for the endless well of tears
Blue for the sky I'll never see and the happiness i'll never know
Red for the knowledge shoved down my throat
Red for the blood that stains my clothes
Red for my innocence bled until death and the body that grabbed at my flesh

He doesn’t kiss me the way he used to
Which is understandable
He is in pain, and so was I
But I want it back
That way he kisses me
It made my whole body melt
I could taste it for hours after-
The soft glow-
Even as I drifted to sleep
Those nights felt like eternity
The ghost of his mouth full of butterflies in my loneliness memory
...
I’ll write this
In hopes
He’ll forgive me

Feeling lonely
Losing the love of your life
Feels
Lonely
Everything that once was so full-
Of them-
Is suddenly
Empty.
And you are left.

Feeling lonely.

Perhaps you are not even totally alone
You could be surrounded by the masses
But you’re still
Lonely
That space they took up in your life
Is now void
Once again
And all the nights-
When the world is partying, working, or fast asleep-
Are without their fingers in your hair
And their arms around your waist
All the mornings-
The early times when you are still blurry in the eyes and the mind-
Are without their small kisses
Or their midnight murmurs
The way they talk in their sleep
The way they look so at peace or smile in dreamland

All Gone.

So
You are left
Feeling lonely
In the liminal spaces of life
Where nothing ever existed but them
In the holes they filled
The sand of time spills out
And you are gaping open-
Wide-
Again.
Losing the love of your life
Feels
Lonely
So so ... lonely

Stay
******
Inside my bones
It’s empty
In here
We know
God is dead
And the Devil
runs rampant
Staying ******
Seldom sober
Wandering mind
Stationary body
In space without moving
Floating up-
Up
Further
Till all I feel
Is consumed.
Staying
******
Inside my bones
I still am...
So alone.

It hasn’t become easier
My head is still full of sad thoughts
My heart is still heavy
I still cry when I’m alone
I am alone often

Unlike him
He is with everyone and anyone he can get his hands on
I don’t know the ****** context
I just mean
Company
He is never alone
So he is never sad

I am always alone
Even when I’m with others
I am empty
An empty shell
Drained of everything
By his hands
A hollow creature cannot house anyone or anything
Only loneliness

So though I have kept busy,
It’s been barely,
And certainly
Not enough
To drown out the sound of self hatred and remorse
...
Sadness is the only friend that seems to be able to fill my hollow husk
Perhaps that is because it is empty as well

I miss you
I was doing so well
Without you
And now I miss you
All over again
It hurts so deeply
That you are falling out of love with me
And there’s nothing
I can do
To get you back

I promise to write something happier
I’m just very afraid right now
I know this isn’t what I feel
It’s just this moment
But
I’m still afraid
So I’ll write till it disappears
And then I’ll finish the truer thoughts I have written just for you
Because You
My love
Are not this fear in my chest!!!
But
Understand
I must write the fear somewhere
Because I Am afraid
I Am terrified
But only for this moment
Before I wake up
and recognize my happier reality
......
Hopefully (says fear)

I’m no good at being alone
No good at all
I want to do anything to leave my brain behind
It plagues me
It is an irreversible disease
Binding itself
As a parasite does
To my body
I am the host for this irrefutable nightmare
The walking disaster
One word away from break down, panic, or manic
My brain won’t leave me in peace
I hate being alone
Because being alone is not truly alone
It is still me and my brain
And now there’s no buffer
Only us
Going head to head in a match to the death-
My suicide or my depleting health
There is no winning for the host
Only the disease can win
The brain I was given had potential
But it was malformed and prone to infection
Now I am stuck with it
Slowly eating away at my physical health
my mental health is nonexistent
I cannot get away
And that is why I hate being alone
Because I am not diseased or infected and there is no leech feeding off my blood
It is only my mind
And I can blame no one but myself for my brain’s lack of inhibition or stable dopamine supply

Something happy.... something.... happy...
I can remember happy things

I think

I never told you but I wrote about you
For therapy
I felt silly
But it made me happy
I wrote about our picnic
When we had dated for only a year
It felt like forever
But it was a good forever
I wish I could go back to that

She walks on moonlight
And in the purple dusk
In between those murky moments
just before the sun disappears
Bluest eyes
Seem to glow
Under that pale moon
and all those falling stars
Where smiles glow white
And man gives way to werewolf,
Under the cover of night,
All things
find an unnatural way about them
Be careful where those glowing eyes go,
Under pale moonlight,
Some things
Come to being
And they are more than just the lonely woods ...

Has it set in yet?

The apathy

Once Drowning in these painful experiences.

Cringing at the bloodied bodies of heartless ventures dying  
Crying when your mother screams your name
Cracking beneath the pressure
...
Has your job finally overwhelmed your mortal reactions
Has your soul finally given way
Do you even hear the noises -

Or only the silence Now.

The apathy

Has it set in yet?

She tastes like a piece of heaven
Captured in a human body
Soft and sweet beneath my tongue
Fingers in my hair or her mouth on my neck
The way she sinks into my arms
The blissful euphoria of her touch
And the way she moves,
A memory of madness and delight,
Sounds that make my heart flip and my jaw drop,
An intoxication
A high
Love is indeed a drug
When I am caught between her legs
And reeling with the sensation of -
Desperate.  
Need.

Love would be no sweeter
Than the love they give me
Tastes like caramel
and eating...
Cookie dough off a spoon
Love could be no softer
Than the skin between their thighs
Their hand in mine
The feeling of hair sifting through fingers...
The thought of more than just their soft hair between my fingers....
Love should be no less
Than all the secrets I’ve shared
The vulnerability of being theirs
The desire...
For them as my own
And worshipping the inches between my mouth and their....
Temple
Love cannot be anymore lovely
Than this river of passion and protective nature
Rushing out my pores and washing us away
carry us...
Away

I can’t pretend
I’m not totally
Infatuated
With someone who
Never sees
Me
Or anyone
But himself
And
I can’t pretend
This boy isn’t the love of my life
Because
He will never
Leave the insides of my skull
He is embedded in my bone
I wear his memories like a coat
Sometimes warm sometimes heavy
I would love him
Till I pass beyond the veil of night and death
He would be the kindness of the dark
And the handsome mouth
That kisses me to sleep

At my last breath

I can pretend
I hate every second I see you
Or that
I don’t cry every moment I’m apart from you

But I Can’t pretend
I don’t love every inch of you

Just as you are

I used to dream of being kissed in the rain
But I did not imagine
It would be as wonderful as this
Spinning in darkness
Frosted streetlights reflected in emerging puddles
Freezing cold head and blue lips
but warm all over the places their hands touch
The happiness that blooms in my chest
Is the flower watered by the rain
And the result of many small kisses
Dripping down my face
Glasses spotted
Teeth chattering
But all I can do is smile
And laugh through the cold
I am in love
I am in love with being with them
And their kisses in the rain

Dating a person is like
Finding out
Life is not what you thought-
Learning about complexities of human spirit
Waltzing amongst desert scorpions
Diving for rocks on reef’s bottom
Kissing a person is like
Tasting every color
Holding gold-
Hidden under silver
Uncovering beauty where sadness lies
Crying in the rain
Midnight messages after dreams
Loving a person is like
Flirting with addiction,
Smoke and gunpowder in lungs,
Knowing you ll never want anything else
But probably should end it all
If only to keep them safe.
Staying silent with the love of your life is like
Seeing stars when they’re around
But fading to shadow when they look away ....
I’m not saying it’s like this all the time -
Only when existence is a strain in my bones
and its foot is against my broken back

I feel broken
Like little pieces
All over again.

Whole
But still ugly and stupid-
I truly never learn-
I broke myself
And him
So, I will pick up the shards
All over again.

I couldn’t stop to think
Or step away
I had to break it
Once more
I am destroying it
All over again.

But in the end
It will be okay
Because this has occurred before
And I can will myself back together
All over again.

So the cycle will repeat itself
And I will still be stupid and ugly
Just a little more facade to paint anew
And I will pretend to be whole
All over again.