Love would be no sweeter
Than the love they give me
Tastes like caramel
and eating...
Cookie dough off a spoon
Love could be no softer
Than the skin between their thighs
Their hand in mine
The feeling of hair sifting through fingers...
The thought of more than just their soft hair between my fingers....
Love should be no less
Than all the secrets I’ve shared
The vulnerability of being theirs
The desire...
For them as my own
And worshipping the inches between my mouth and their....
Temple
Love cannot be anymore lovely
Than this river of passion and protective nature
Rushing out my pores and washing us away
carry us...
Away

I feel broken
Like little pieces
All over again.

Whole
But still ugly and stupid-
I truly never learn-
I broke myself
And him
So, I will pick up the shards
All over again.

I couldn’t stop to think
Or step away
I had to break it
Once more
I am destroying it
All over again.

But in the end
It will be okay
Because this has occurred before
And I can will myself back together
All over again.

So the cycle will repeat itself
And I will still be stupid and ugly
Just a little more facade to paint anew
And I will pretend to be whole
All over again.

I can feel the burning
in the back of my brain
The warmth
unkindly using my cells as kindling

Jealousy and sorrow
Are close friends
They feed off each other
And their chemicals form wildfires
In my mind
My jealousy and sorrow have become-
All consuming

He slept with them
Someone I don’t even know
Someone prettier
Someone kinder
Someone who tasted like lust and candy

Did you like it when your mouth was kissing its way down their body?
Or did you only think of me?
For how could that be the case if you continued.
Did they say your name in that way you like?
Is that what made you want to hear it in bed?

He slept with them
And I can’t even be upset
Because I understand why

And it’s my fault.

Still I am left wondering
Will I taste as sweet?
Or look as good?
Does my face need fixing or my body need shrinking?
Will I love as well as they?

Is my love undesirable?
Am I undesirable?

For how could you desire them in a matter of days
But turning back to me say
“I do not want you in that way”

I think I am lesser.
Perhaps I must accept that...

My mind is still burning.
It will not reduce.

I did not know
Love was a competition or a fraud
Is love a symbol of hope after all
Or but a shadow
Carried by death
As a mark on my door for eternity

I don’t think my brain is working clearly

There’s a girl
Who makes me laugh
She’s an awkward angel
Wearing
Perhaps
The largest mask
I’d like to know her
Under it all
I hope she wants
To tell me her story
If only she’d talk
I wait to listen

to think without clarity
(a fuzziness inside)
to speak without correct words
(broken judgement)
to hurt without blood
(a head full of screaming)

washed up intelligence
equals
splintering headspace

is it shame or terror,
making it hard to see straight

I am not daunted by your darkness
I am not shattered by your pieces
I do not stumble on your shards
Nor trip on your sharp edges

What you hold
I long to have
A loving touch
A soothing glance
A sharpened knife
Or braided whip

I do not flinch at pain
Only at rejection
I will not disappear
At the sight of your wounds

I offer only
Outstretched arms
For you are mine
And I do not fear the dark that
Treads in your wake

Crystals and sharp edges
Pencil lead and arson
Steel and death
Why are these things all tied together in my head?
Because association
And experience
Have played a game on my brain
And turned the wires all askew
Ribbons and assault rifles
The color orange and pill bottles
...
So many more

Falling.

It feels warmer

Than I remember from the last time

(Do you think I’m ready for the heat?)

I think I need to relearn soft
I may need to try:
Awareness.
I want to try
To love her well
I need to make her feel safe
I may need to try
Again.
I want to try
To be worthy of her trust
I think I need to relearn
soft
aware
trustworthy
kind
Because:
I want to love her right

Dating a person is like
Finding out
Life is not what you thought-
Learning about complexities of human spirit
Waltzing amongst desert scorpions
Diving for rocks on reef’s bottom
Kissing a person is like
Tasting every color
Holding gold-
Hidden under silver
Uncovering beauty where sadness lies
Crying in the rain
Midnight messages after dreams
Loving a person is like
Flirting with addiction,
Smoke and gunpowder in lungs,
Knowing you ll never want anything else
But probably should end it all
If only to keep them safe.
Staying silent with the love of your life is like
Seeing stars when they’re around
But fading to shadow when they look away ....
I’m not saying it’s like this all the time -
Only when existence is a strain in my bones
and its foot is against my broken back

They like it when I write them poems
In between mess and anxiety
My writing is a blossom of light
They say it’s always pretty
Even though it’s often not
I like to offer up hope
To their throbbing heart
So I write these words
In hope to make their pain stop
They like it when I bring rocks
A sign I care about them
even when I’m gone
They always smile upon holding the pebbles-
preciously and carefully collected to my care
I smile because I know
How wrong their impressions of me truly are
Yet, I desire their love more than
Anything
So I let them think I’m good
When I’m absolutely not

I love them through their mess
And I hope to God
They’ll stay through mine

I don't think I'd notice
the pain in my chest
even if
there was a hole through my breast

a knife
or a bullet
stuck in my side
would be easier still to hide

ignoring my anxiety
building in my head.
a fountain.
water.
drowning............................

no
not.
no­.
ok.
i guess-
here we go again.

quickplugtheholes        donthavetimetoskipaline       bottlethatshitup
get
me
out

no
no

stopped
the leaks in the side of my brain are plugged

I'm Okay.....

till i drop from blood loss. or explode. the rising waters in my head. pounding against my temples. then. i guess. i'll have to confront that ***** who stares me back in the mirror.

To feel for sinew and find nothing but bone
Ancient energy buzzed amongst pillars of salt and light
Darkness weaving through sheer barriers of throbbing hearts
Creeping quietly upon delight and remorse
Depth attacking the shallow process
Subconscious suppression bursting into conscious thought
Gasping for air and wrecking floating boats
Sinking sinking
Forever
Into the subconscious hell
The untouched nightmare
Forever
Cursed to wander
Because they did not settle the fist fight-
between trauma and the future.

To fall for something lovely
is a dream come true
To fall for something deadly
Is to be a fool

In love we fall forever
Whether we chose
Or we are pushed

In motion
The heart remains
Towards the ground,
it’s path ordained  

Who will be there to catch you,
Before you hit the floor
And break every bone in your body,
Becoming ravaged rubble once more

Someone tell me how to stop being afraid
Did u know
Stonewall
Was a riot
But rioting still happens
50 years later
The violence will never stop
And neither will the fear
Still fighting ignorance
50 years later
Someone tell my black friends how to stop being afraid
Did you know
Wars
Were fought for freedom
centuries ago
But we are.
Still.
fighting racism and bigotry.
Centuries later
The violence will never stop
And neither will the fear
Still battling inequality
Centuries later

why.
Are we still all afraid of each other?