I don’t like crying
Yet. (There’s
                Water
          Falling from
                     My eyes)
I don’t like tears
Yet (they
drip
down
my
Face).

I hope when he goes
He knows
He will be the subject of my poetry
And the center of my affections
Till all else dwindles away
And the emotions
Like him
Disappear into the deep darkness
Inside the hollow place
Under my skin
And beneath my cage of human bone
I hope he knows
My affirming words were real-
When I wrote or spoke
And so was my happiness-
During our time
And all the sorrow-
When he leaves
For indeed,
The sorrow,
Will be the most deep set reality of all.
Though he might never see it for himself.
After all,
That is what happens when you leave someone.

I did not know
Love was a competition or a fraud
Is love a symbol of hope after all
Or but a shadow
Carried by death
As a mark on my door for eternity

I don’t think my brain is working clearly

It hasn’t become easier
My head is still full of sad thoughts
My heart is still heavy
I still cry when I’m alone
I am alone often

Unlike him
He is with everyone and anyone he can get his hands on
I don’t know the ****** context
I just mean
Company
He is never alone
So he is never sad

I am always alone
Even when I’m with others
I am empty
An empty shell
Drained of everything
By his hands
A hollow creature cannot house anyone or anything
Only loneliness

So though I have kept busy,
It’s been barely,
And certainly
Not enough
To drown out the sound of self hatred and remorse
...
Sadness is the only friend that seems to be able to fill my hollow husk
Perhaps that is because it is empty as well

There’s a girl
Who makes me laugh
She’s an awkward angel
Wearing
Perhaps
The largest mask
I’d like to know her
Under it all
I hope she wants
To tell me her story
If only she’d talk
I wait to listen

Dating a person is like
Finding out
Life is not what you thought-
Learning about complexities of human spirit
Waltzing amongst desert scorpions
Diving for rocks on reef’s bottom
Kissing a person is like
Tasting every color
Holding gold-
Hidden under silver
Uncovering beauty where sadness lies
Crying in the rain
Midnight messages after dreams
Loving a person is like
Flirting with addiction,
Smoke and gunpowder in lungs,
Knowing you ll never want anything else
But probably should end it all
If only to keep them safe.
Staying silent with the love of your life is like
Seeing stars when they’re around
But fading to shadow when they look away ....
I’m not saying it’s like this all the time -
Only when existence is a strain in my bones
and its foot is against my broken back

Falling.

It feels warmer

Than I remember from the last time

(Do you think I’m ready for the heat?)

I can’t pretend
I’m not totally
Infatuated
With someone who
Never sees
Me
Or anyone
But himself
And
I can’t pretend
This boy isn’t the love of my life
Because
He will never
Leave the insides of my skull
He is embedded in my bone
I wear his memories like a coat
Sometimes warm sometimes heavy
I would love him
Till I pass beyond the veil of night and death
He would be the kindness of the dark
And the handsome mouth
That kisses me to sleep

At my last breath

I can pretend
I hate every second I see you
Or that
I don’t cry every moment I’m apart from you

But I Can’t pretend
I don’t love every inch of you

Just as you are

I don't think I'd notice
the pain in my chest
even if
there was a hole through my breast

a knife
or a bullet
stuck in my side
would be easier still to hide

ignoring my anxiety
building in my head.
a fountain.
water.
drowning............................

no
not.
no­.
ok.
i guess-
here we go again.

quickplugtheholes        donthavetimetoskipaline       bottlethatshitup
get
me
out

no
no

stopped
the leaks in the side of my brain are plugged

I'm Okay.....

till i drop from blood loss. or explode. the rising waters in my head. pounding against my temples. then. i guess. i'll have to confront that ***** who stares me back in the mirror.

I don’t want to be your girl
But
I also don’t want to be anyone’s girl
Anymore
Maybe a girlfriend
But lover is more appealing
I don’t want to be a girl
Anymore
At least
Some of the time
I’m somewhere between heaven and hell
When I get called pretty girl
I want to be Pretty
But not a Girl
I want to be admired
But without the constructs of social gender
I just want
To be desired
As a Woman or a Man
As a Person or Human
But not as a Female or a Male Distinctly
How do I meet the standard of social desirability
Without
The pressure of a binary box

she's gonna have me falling
i swear she is
she looked at me once

now i want to kiss her lips

why
AM I LIKE THIS

**** love,
i kinda just want to stare into the abyss
...
(till she kisses me anyway)

Crystals and sharp edges
Pencil lead and arson
Steel and death
Why are these things all tied together in my head?
Because association
And experience
Have played a game on my brain
And turned the wires all askew
Ribbons and assault rifles
The color orange and pill bottles
...
So many more

Someone tell me how to stop being afraid
Did u know
Stonewall
Was a riot
But rioting still happens
50 years later
The violence will never stop
And neither will the fear
Still fighting ignorance
50 years later
Someone tell my black friends how to stop being afraid
Did you know
Wars
Were fought for freedom
centuries ago
But we are.
Still.
fighting racism and bigotry.
Centuries later
The violence will never stop
And neither will the fear
Still battling inequality
Centuries later

why.
Are we still all afraid of each other?

To fall for something lovely
is a dream come true
To fall for something deadly
Is to be a fool

In love we fall forever
Whether we chose
Or we are pushed

In motion
The heart remains
Towards the ground,
it’s path ordained  

Who will be there to catch you,
Before you hit the floor
And break every bone in your body,
Becoming ravaged rubble once more

They like it when I write them poems
In between mess and anxiety
My writing is a blossom of light
They say it’s always pretty
Even though it’s often not
I like to offer up hope
To their throbbing heart
So I write these words
In hope to make their pain stop
They like it when I bring rocks
A sign I care about them
even when I’m gone
They always smile upon holding the pebbles-
preciously and carefully collected to my care
I smile because I know
How wrong their impressions of me truly are
Yet, I desire their love more than
Anything
So I let them think I’m good
When I’m absolutely not

I love them through their mess
And I hope to God
They’ll stay through mine

To feel for sinew and find nothing but bone
Ancient energy buzzed amongst pillars of salt and light
Darkness weaving through sheer barriers of throbbing hearts
Creeping quietly upon delight and remorse
Depth attacking the shallow process
Subconscious suppression bursting into conscious thought
Gasping for air and wrecking floating boats
Sinking sinking
Forever
Into the subconscious hell
The untouched nightmare
Forever
Cursed to wander
Because they did not settle the fist fight-
between trauma and the future.