Please handle me with care
If you don’t like lavender or honeysuckle
If you don’t want to smell like smoke
If you’re the type of person to buy almond milk
(I’m allergic)
If you avoid ****** eyeliner stoners
If you’d rather just play around
If you’d keep my heart after you break it
You might find I’m not so sweet in your mouth

Please handle me with care
I keep diaries and art journals with only a few entries
I wander at night and scare the **** out of my lovers
I don’t have enough friends to afford losing even one
(I’ll take yours too)
I think the sun is too bright but the moon is just right
I mutter under my breath when I need to process verbally
I sing loudly in the car
(Please never call me out on it)
Someday you’d find I’m worth the wait
But if you aren’t able to give patience and vulnerability
Please handle me with care
And don’t touch me like a lover does

Please handle me with care
If you like pretty boys and nerdy girls
If you wish you could talk and someone would listen
If you want obsession and passion and sweet sincerity
If you’d like the feeling of ‘my one and only’
If you’d tell me the truth and kiss me with your whole soul
You might find I’m the one for you

i don't see
i don't hear
i don't know
i don't understand
i don't imagine
i don't create

idontFEEL

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ME, MY SOULMATE

Make a list
Make a list of the things you are
Grateful for
Grateful that death is close
Grateful that I will die soon
Grateful that-
Those aren’t the things I was supposed to write
But
They did ask
Make a list they said
So I made my little edgy list
My angsty, teenage, ******* list
My depression my anxiety
Wound into
A list

Make a list
Of what you’re grateful for
And everyday
Remind yourself
There’s a reason to live

I think I did the assignment incorrectly
But I did make a list

I know you’re the one
I’m not always happy about it
But I know it’s true
There is no one but you
To make me feel this way
Or stand beside me
when everything turns to blood
I know you’re the one
Because when I die
I want my bones wrapped up besides you
we can lay together for eternity
All others
Disappearing and decaying
Till only the souls are left
Intertwined forever
I know you’re the one
You hold me and kiss me in ways
No one could ever hope
To compete with
All at once
I am safe and so complete-
Lost in your eyes of ocean waves and the deep sea at night

I know you’re the one

There’s no great metaphor or language for it
There is only
the deep understanding
The secret tongue
written on my innermost body
All of it
Screaming out
Crying out
Laughing and weeping
Hysterical
Over keeping you

I know you’re the one
Even when I don’t want you to be

Especially
When I don’t want you to be.

I think I might be addicted to you
I was never in love
Only addicted to the feeling
Lusting after the highs
Crashing at the sight of the bottom
Yearning for any reason to hold on
Yearning for any reason to get back on
Riding the highs and lows
Buckling in on your rollercoaster of a romance
I will never stop seeking
What I had with you
I will never stop running
Back to you
Screaming so loud and banging on the gates
Let me ride!!!
I want to Feel Again
Let me ride
One last time

Addiction.
It’s not like love at all.
So what does love feel like?
I wonder...

a window left open
a soul feeling light
my heart-
expanding again
light-
cleansing me

you wash all in color
and
i cannot imagine
wanting
any other

there is only you.
for me.

If you’ve ever wondered:
The mind of a suicidal teen is not always
Empty.
Sometimes
It is so full andicantchangeanythingsoitryto
Release
But the release is usually red and ****** and messy and painful
I was told not to keep using this
‘Coping mechanism’
But it works
And it has worked for years

Why should I stop associating with the only friend who has ever looked death in the face
Glaring eyes of ******* steel
Reality on its edge
It brings me back
And it has yet to be beat by the violent voices

That’s more than I can say for the rest of the ‘coping mechanisms’ I have

Self harm.
That’s my friend’s name.
She has stood by me.
reminding me again and again-
YOU ARE ALIVE
FIGHT TILL YOU ******* DROP

I am trying to stabilize myself
It becomes increasingly difficult
As the boat of reason
Floating in a wild sea of emotional meltdown
Becomes more and more worn by the waves
I often find myself wondering-
Why?
Why do I have so many ups and downs?
Why are the waves engulfing my little boat one day
and yet on others-
My boat is a yacht and I am unconcerned ...
I am trying to stabilize myself
I cannot tell if it is working
But I am trying

I don’t think you know
How much I care
And I wish
I could explain
But I just don’t have the words
When I drive from you
All I can think is
I want her again
In my arms
And her hand in mine
So all I want to do
Is drive right back to you

I don’t need poetry
Or any other outlet
When I’m happy

But I need it so desperately
when I’m destroying myself

Reaching for the moon is just a ******* phrase
What’s the point in trying when the moon is just rock and empty space?

Unless you’re there

Then I’d never stop reaching

you call yourself awkward-
your girly laugh and silly jokes
hands cold and lower lip trembling,
your nervous flinching and stiffened frame
spaced-out blue eyes and pupils widening
the way you can't,
stand to be touched
but also,
want it so much
don't call me cliche but,
i call it cute-
your muffled giggling with head in your hands
your sparkling eyes and face lit up-
the crinkled corners of your eyes
and the smiles you try to hide
surprise makes you stumble and
your jaw drop to the floor
and for me...
there's nothing i love more

Life is our enslaver. Faith is the savior.  
And I Am A ******* Loser.

The other thing
The other thing people should know Is that
I am not emotional -
Emotionally available
Emotionally stable
Emotionally aware-
Emotional.
****.
I’m ******* emotional again.
All the time
And I can turn it off
But it comes back
And that Is the other thing
You see
The other thing
Led me to the psychiatric ward of an LA hospital

I can’t be 19.
It’s just not possible
I can’t be
Nineteen-
What the ****?
How did I get here?
Where the **** are all the days go
Where the ****.
Who said
Who decided-
It was me that was to take the ******* family curse
It’s been passed down through all our white ****** medieval ancestors
Mental illness
Physical pains
All in the head
All in the body
All in the Spirit
I am all but my veins and I am all but
The controller
I feel
Helpless.

I can't be nineteen...
There’s no ******* way
It’s 10:34pm
There’s no ******* way
I’m going to
Watch
Seconds
Dis a pear
Until
No thing
I S
l e f t

I’m ******* 19.
In two hours.
Two Hours
nineteen....

i can’t turn nineteen
i just don’t believe i’ll make it...

ive never ******* been eighteen
or if i was i don’t remember...

How the **** am I supposed to survive another ******* year.

Survive they said.
i tried
Breathe they said.
i wanted to
Open your ******* eyes they screamed!
i wished to
but i couldn't see through the swelling
All i see is grey
All i feel is blue
All i know is red
Grey for the beatings
Grey for the handcuffs
Grey for the end. i endured in my body
Blue for the thoughts in my head
Blue for the endless well of tears
Blue for the sky I'll never see and the happiness i'll never know
Red for the knowledge shoved down my throat
Red for the blood that stains my clothes
Red for my innocence bled until death and the body that grabbed at my flesh

I can feel my body giving out-
I can’t stand still you see-
It’s the involuntary spasms
amusing themselves with me
My heart rate is a mile a minute
Shaky hands when I paint
Jumpy nerves when I drive

My mind moves calmly through time
Without feeling real at all...

For such an anxious body
My mind is so empty

Brokenness of the heart
Is an infected wound
It will not heal like a cut or a piercing
The mind and heart become sick off the pain and the mourning

Please don’t hate me
and please don’t just love my body

Either would be
Fine
On any other day

But I’m catching feeling
For you my love

Satisfied
God-
you bring it to a new level
In a way I’ve never experienced
Every inch is like imagination rewritten
My fingers on ur back....
Mouth on yours
Without fail, you bring me to my knees
So
Completely
Overcome

I still stall on your words
And I still love every inch of you
But I can see you disappearing
And it’s breaking my heart

Even though I have you as mine-
Again-
You are as far from Mine
as you ever have been

I have to remember
Not to break people
They are A lot more messy than
Things

And I’ll feel guilty
For all of eternity
For breaking you.

I wonder at the movement of your mouth
The open shape and muffled sounds you make
They keep my body fighting against my logic-
Coming
Back for more
All the time
Back for more

Nail salons and marijuana
living inside a song
Lorde and pop culture have stolen all my good memories
And turned them into melody

I’m not longer original
even in my own warped traditions

you’re making a killing
on all the hours, i spend at your side
im as free (for you)
as the spotify premium your father pays for
you’re making a killing
with every broken promise
i still stay by your side
faithful and stupid to the bitter end

I am on fire
Well
My brain is at least
It hurts to think some days
Well
It’s often all of them
It’s burning me up
I feel feverish with it
Like some unholy ghost coming from furnace
twice burned:
Body and soul
It isn’t always bad
Sometimes it makes me wild and alive-
Unstoppable
Well
Except for the headaches and crash at the end

The truth is
I like being on fire
Even though it hurts
I just don’t like stepping out of the flames,
Realizing,
I have been burnt raw and ******

I found a love eternal
Without realizing it
He captured my heart in a glass jar
Adding to his collection of wild light and color
Shining wings still flutter when the sunlight hits
But it is not the same
No captured beauty is truly wild or whole
The terror of loss is the truth that makes all things beautiful
Life is fleeting
And so was he
My butterfly heart is still on his shelf
Just adjusted to be less visible by others
Maybe he’ll forget
But when he does a deep clean
There I’ll be
Maybe the blue butterfly heart be dead at that point
But it’s still going to be his

Perhaps I am being forced to come to terms with the loss of a lover and the endurance of love long after

I think I shall truly love him forever
I will never have a love like his again

But perhaps
If I’m lucky
I shall find one different
More wild more beautiful
And even if it’s fleeting
I shall treasure the touch of insect legs ( and it’s precious gift of a heart) on my fingers-
without a cage or a license of ownership-
I can love him and love others
Sameness is not the goal
Evolution is.
Love is eternal
Even if the Lover is not.

Beloved lover
Beloved daughter
Beloved

Without anything

Without being
Anything

I don’t believe in innocence
It has forsaken me
Why would I depend on innocence to protect or bestow anything?

Without being anything
I would be what I am now

But I am not Beloved.

I feel my body is not real
It’s like a picture or an abstract painting
The picture
Is not the place
Only an impression of it
The painting looks complete
From far away
But up close
it reveals itself to be only splotches of texture and many dots of color

My body is not real
Or if it is
I am only paint on canvas

I’m no good at being alone
No good at all
I want to do anything to leave my brain behind
It plagues me
It is an irreversible disease
Binding itself
As a parasite does
To my body
I am the host for this irrefutable nightmare
The walking disaster
One word away from break down, panic, or manic
My brain won’t leave me in peace
I hate being alone
Because being alone is not truly alone
It is still me and my brain
And now there’s no buffer
Only us
Going head to head in a match to the death-
My suicide or my depleting health
There is no winning for the host
Only the disease can win
The brain I was given had potential
But it was malformed and prone to infection
Now I am stuck with it
Slowly eating away at my physical health
my mental health is nonexistent
I cannot get away
And that is why I hate being alone
Because I am not diseased or infected and there is no leech feeding off my blood
It is only my mind
And I can blame no one but myself for my brain’s lack of inhibition or stable dopamine supply

Holding his hand
so close to me
I feel so warm
His hands are strong
But still kind and gentle
sometimes calloused
I hold their hand
For all of time
Just to trace
The veiny surface
And feel his heart beat
Through his wrist
To have and to hold
My hand in theirs
Forever more
This
Is my dreamland
For when that handsome creature touches my face
I can see the stars
and every happy future
Dancing in their eyes
I am safe.
At last.

Why is it always rap?
Well sometimes it’s psychedelic
But at parties I mean
I like smoke filled rooms
Where I know
Everyone’s high
And I can join them unabashed
The room soon faded out
All that’s left
Is the dimmer lights
Maybe a face to make out with
Smoke
Some bare walls walking on stilts
I’m
the highest in the room

Sometimes
I decide to fly
I can get too high-
I will admit the truth-
But if you’re there
Or I think you are
Or I imagine you
It’s like I can feel your body-
Your energy-
The aura of You wandering in like mist
The warmth of your arms
The cold in your hands-
Wrapped around my waist-
You intersect the reality of the ground
And you ascend with me to the sky
Floating about on clouds of sensitive skin and bad balance
It’s best when I’m so far up I can decipher nothing beyond my own desire
I breath
You sing
I whisper
You seem to kiss me back-
******* darling-
You are forever sweet in my mouth
A lover on whom I love to wait
And the intoxication I refuse to break
It’s a sinful heaven
Being too high
And thinking of you

I wonder when
I will be able to write
Happy poems
About her
She deserves all the happiness I can give
But I dont know how to give-
Outside my body-
Anymore.
I wonder when
I will cease writing
Sad poems
About her
She deserves every beautiful memory framed in gold
And all the stories sewn up
Into perfect happy endings

Someone will give them the world on a silver platter.
It’s just not me.

To hold u is to live
Cherishing every second
And yet
Still desiring more
To the end I will love you
Never growing tired of you
And Always
Missing you when ur gone
To me you are beautiful
When you cannot see it
Still
I will remind you every day

You are that which softens my edges
And strengthens my soul -
Apart simply walking
...
With you
I am flying

If I was a corpse
Do you think you would see me differently
Would my cold eyes suddenly become a more haunting shade of blue?
Would my misery and pain be more apparent
Or would it disappear in the fondness of nostalgia ?
If I was a corpse
I think I could get you
Just where I want you
Maybe you could love me
If I was cold and dead
Even if
It’s only memories

How can I explain
Even after a year of those brilliant kisses
I still stutter on ever one
I’m sorry I was so stupid
Sitting there like a fool
I struggle to speak
To tell you
You are all I want
I love your kisses
But god how they create such warmth
It makes my mind get fuzzy
And my mouth tingle
My body is melting ice
My tongue is totally twisted
You make me
Such an idiot

Do it again please

sometimes
I think I might have found something
But then
Everything turns away once it gets your heart
Or your body for it’s pleasure
Which is worse?
I’m not sure I know.
Anymore.

Watching people
Wandering
Wondering if
I too
Could join the throng
The feelings
Crystallized ice in the ******* air
Frosty stones in souls
And stoners
Crossing (faded) between them
The feelings
The atmosphere filled to the brim
Overflowing out across
Water turned frozen
Slick across black cement
You can taste the tension
Cold feelings
Words become snowflakes
Watching people
They all wonder
When
When
When

They are me.
Every one.
The feelings ebb and flow-
The people here-
figments of Time’s art school phase-
Time’s own distorted puppets and pupils alike...
They are me.
Everyone.

I don’t think I’m worth the amount of effort it takes for someone to love me
I could never be enough as I am for what I cost to purchase
I start every sentence with ’ I ‘
And I end them all in ‘yes’
I have no boundaries
No sense of self
Just open thighs and a mouth
Still I am just as much without
Without love
Without care
Without anyone.

Purchase the girl!
She’s almost as good as free!
Purchase that girl!
Over and over and over
She’ll let you in

over and over and over
Again.

I am too indulgent
Too much
Too self pitying
And
Prone to mood swings
Stubborn to the point of blindness
I am likely to be a substance abuser
And a lover without any tact

I believe poetry
Can make anyone blind
To their own deep pain
It can romanticize
Even a self loathing *******
As myself
Even if
It should not

I’m back to listening to punk
Punk and death metal
They’ve become comforting again
Noise is the only weapon-
When the Quiet is the only creature accompanying you-
Quiet and peace have never been acquainted
Not in my life.
When the Quiet sets in
That’s when I know it’s about to get worse
After the Quiet
Comes the voices
The problem is:
The voice of death and depression do not wander in with noise
It’s only when the night is still and my mind is empty
They come to make their home
Punk and death metal have saved my life
Once
Twice
And now they will do it a third time
The Noise is always faithful
Even as the Quiet is always drowning

I am discovering

Brushing off love’s dust
Re-examining my roughened shell

I never knew love could feel safe
But there it is
Etched into my lover’s pottery

I never knew love could be pretty and kind
But there she is
Cleaning off my husk of a heart and glowing as she smiles

I don’t even think-
She knows-
Just what she’s done.
But there it is
My brightened clay  

No longer feeling dusty
No longer feeling fragile

She makes me feel beautiful
But I know
She will not let me break

so this is how it feels when love is truly returned...

"takes your breath away"

is a figure of speech

for.

when.

something is.....         beautiful

but i'm not sure.........               it's so good this time

I think
I might die
Soon

i love being Alive.

i never thought I’d say that

But here I am

If life is a journey

I want to climb every single rock

And swim every single river

Just as long as I can be

Alive.

I never thought I’d want this

But here I am

To live, indeed, is a whirlwind

But it’s one I want to dance with

I’ve rented a head
Just for the day
To get out and fall a stray
Shoved a fist
Right through your brain
Made a home
Inside your flesh
Constraints on your mind
While I chop off your fingers
And grind up your spine
To the sound of your shrieks
And the early night signs
I’m playing in-sanity of course
Did you think I was really ever (in)sane

I don’t know
How to
Love
Anymore
But my body
Remembers
The action
So
I will do
It
Till I
Remember
How It Feels

It’s about time I talked
About it all
So here it is

I only remember buzzing
and fuzzy shots
of blurry people with even more blurry conversations
I remember the walls and holes in the ground
They had tried to seal them up
The tar black was reopened
Wounded floors
Wounded people
Walls with punctures like knives
White and cold
Blue fragile and cheap blankets
thin Pale sheets
White is the easiest to bleach I suppose
I don’t know what happened
I still want to die
I just won’t try anything
My father asked me
What do you hope for
And I had no words
The only thing I hope for
Beyond a dream
The only desire
Is death
How do you tell the man who has watched you grow from infancy to adulthood that his pain was all for nothing
You are long g on e
Forever drifting
Hope is only a good friend for the pure hearted
I am evil
And I can only hope I will die and my future evil should be dissipated forever

I can’t sleep anymore
It’s getting too hard
I just lay in bed
My eyes turn red with the clock
And my chest can feel the weight growing
The weight of ghosts haunting-
The space around my body-
I can feel their weight
It presses down on my chest
And my arms
And my legs-
It’s you-
laying with me
But it is not comforting
The way it used to be
You are a ghost
Memories and broken feelings
Melding into a weight-
A ghost-
Laying on my chest
And in my arms
You are the ghosts and the weight
You are all my sleepless nights
And I am your haunted house

marred by convention
wearing tradition like a blinding bandage
it slings itself across my eyes
justice is blind
but not
in this way,
not in the binding way.
i never imagined I wore tradition on my forehead
i never imagined I had convention choking out my mind
the lack of oxygen to the brain...
i still desire to change.

Please
Teach me how to become something more
To love and to care
Without any judgement
Teach me how to untie the blindfold
And make my eyes healed to see...
I still desire to change.

the question now:
how can I?