someday
i hope
i can stand again
stand and say
i am enough

I lost all of myself for a couple of pills
I lost all of myself for a year of bliss
I lost all myself for a while.

For a while I was out of my body
For a while I felt nothing but the endless death and rebirth
The stability of true love
I thought.

I thought I was whole
And I thought he was enough
To replace me

How little I thought I was ...
How little I thought of love

I lost myself for a while
And for a while shall I roam-
All alone.

I lost
The feeling.
Alive.
Desire doesn’t wander my streets
Or slide its hands down my thighs
Alive.
I lost the feeling
**** it I’ve lost the feeling-
Did Love play a game of hide and **** with Betrayal-
they both died off without a farewell monologue i suppose...
I lost
The feeling.
Alive
Has become a trickster.
It’s beautiful beautiful face so terribly corrupted-
By all that Kills-
Alas!
Alive
Hiding its (Will)
Forever an inch away from me
In the dark -
Sometimes-
It dances above my head
Just to tease me...

I’ve lost the feeling
I’ve lost the will to stay alive

We are those who must decide what our life is worth

Whether the finale of our story
is a cliff-side car crash
or
the drawn-out drive's final destination

I'm trying to be happy
for you
it's kind of hard though
i miss you
but
you seem
happy on your own
away from me.
you're moving to Canada?

can i come too?

doesn't it make you angry?
those who take and take and take
those who drop you all alone
those who beat you to the ground
....
and then come-a-knockin'
once again
when you're finally all cleaned up

they say you shouldn't miss what isn't yours

Don't curse me

for missing You

Who was given the right to define love?

I want that right back.

No one should have the right to tell me-
You sin!

Because I love.

And I define my love.

i went to a wedding
my father looked sad
i realized in the silent car ride home
(arguing is all we do when we talk)
it was because
he believes he will never get to dance with Me
on my wedding
but whose fault is that?
still it makes me sad too
because
i will marry
           not a man
and he will
         nev' consent
to anything but.

i was told
in prime of youth
fear need only be feared
in the presence of two:
Pain
         and
                 Death
As I grow
I've come to know
Pain
        is temporary
and Death
                   is only a friend
                  come to take me home

He likes to write poems
I think his greatest secret is
He wants poems written in his honor
To be forever preserved in sacred pages of letter and ink
He loves to write poetry
But his poems can not capture
His own beauty
Ink covered fingers or t-shirts with coffee stains
He smells like beach waves and vanilla pine
The way his hair falls in his face
And the pretty boy eyes he hides behind bluelight glasses
He likes to make the moon his muse
He would marry the sound of his own voice-
Projecting his spoken word or monologue across a crowded nighttime space
Nobody knows
This sweet barista boy
Has broken every heart
That every loved him

Cute barista boys are not to be trusted
But they sure as hell will give your heart all the butterflies of springtime gardens
And he will treat you like God
Before tossing you aside

I've been told to shut my mouth one too many times
I'm done being silent.
You didn't listen when I whispered
You had the chance to hear me talk
Now you Will hear me Scream

I’m not pure
It was simply a lure-
Making me think I’d found her
No.
I’m still alone
Laughing gods above my head
Still alone
Lover across my bed

No one sees my soul
I open
Only to be ****** away
I close
Only to be pounded by her emotion
I listen
But I cry in my sleep

I’m no longer pure
I thought it’d be the cure-
Making our love sweeter than before
No.
I’m still alone
Scolding parents around my door
Still alone
Pretty lover wanting more

We just were never meant to endure.

i think i see potential in things

what they could become-
if someone just takes the time to look

and
right now

i see my world
when i look in your eyes

i close my eyes
     near daytime's end
my soul again
    tries to mend
i open my eyes
     for i cannot sleep
and peace, my soul
   can-not keep
i wish i could try
    but my energy's run
i'm all overcome
   and all undone
i close my eyes
    near daytime's en'
i just want to try
    to feel a-gain

I can’t condone madness and mayhem
But sometimes, I’d like to
Sometimes, I wake in the morning with an itch under my skin
The gun trigger in my mouth, safety off
And I know, it’s not right
But god, it feels so easy with the barrel all loaded
That’s when realization sets in and I can almost see the future like a fortune:
The dread scratches at the back of my scalp
(My conscience whimpers and begs my brain to listen)
The anger eats at my amygdala
The sharp sensation of adrenaline is burning its way up my central nervous system
And the apathy...
(My illness grins)
Someone’s gonna get it today.

I'd rather be authentic and rejected
than
false and accepted

I still don’t understand why my mother insists on eating meals at the dining room table
But I’m starting to realize why she likes windows in the kitchen, above the sink
Maybe there’s a piece of me-
Chipped corners on the granite countertop
(Where my teeth took a beating at ten)-
Carrying an overwhelming fear of being left out
Maybe, I am like my mother
And she is like me.
I can’t hear her calling out,
But she’s present in the spice rack and the memorized cookie recipe in my phone-
I’ve taken up her affinity for long articles and paranoid monologues,
But I’m struggling in keeping with her veracious consumption of innocence paperback novels
Maybe all her words were wisdom
And I just am foolish child
Maybe, I am like my mother
And she is like me.

Was it worth it, dad?
All the hell you gave me for loving-
Was it worth what you lost?
Was it worth the scars on my body
from self harm
Or the distance between us-
the many nights you sent me fleeing out the door to cry in the darkness
Was it worth __ ;
(I'm sorry I can't say ___ because it hurts too much and it's still such a fresh wound)
But
You will never again hold that power over me.
You have Lost the Right to Tell Me My Value
you were nearly the end of me.
But My Lover shall be my new beginning

I’m attempting a story
A story with an ending
I’ve never had the courage to declare an ending
I’d like to try this time

I’m attempting to believe in good things
Manifestation is too much commitment
But I can believe in karma
And I want to try being a good person again

I’m attempting a new beginning
But all beginnings must have an ending
(To) Last

i thought i knew you
i guess i never really did
...
can i ever hope

to get to know you again?

i warned myself against love
i put up every blockade i could think of
still i fell
i knew you'd leave
i said you would
still i hoped
i was sure you would lie
positive till the plunge:    that you'd never catch me
still i trusted
and i jumped
and i fell
                  in love

but you didn't catch me

She deserves happy poems
Like nothing I can give her
I wish I knew how
To break this never ending spell
The tension between us
Has continued to rise
Yet my heart is not in it
So I wonder if
All I am doing is lying

She’ll get no happy poems from me

i kinda feel like an alien among men
i don't know why
maybe it's my intense gaze
or the way i need to feel everything
or the way i love to change
or my restless spirit...
        I don't want to be stagnant
        like some muddy river water, stuck forever
        dammed up so i'll never escape
(in other words ******)
why do humans so champion settling down?

When you wander off the map
Running motor and music
Sitting still in the parking lot
But the whole vehicle is buzzing
(And I’m buzzed too)
You’re a little ******
He’s at the wheel
Creature habits and-
Creatures of habit-
Wander around lakesides
Scream out the window
Yell at the moon because your mom is cruel
Worship the woman in your favorite childhood magazine
Pin up the pictures
Pray you might become her
(Or **** her)
Creature of habit-
Creatures and their habits-
He whistled at us across the road
Cars are honking
I look like a ******* teen boy
But you look gorgeous
It’s definitely you
But I still shout and yell for your honor
(like it’s my own at stake)
You shouldn’t have to hide beauty like that
Because of a man and his ******* car
I wish I could weave fabric between the world and your sad eyes
Maybe a veil would add some shimmer to the dullness you see
Maybe you could fall in love
Wearing a knockoff version of rose colored glasses
Creatures and their habits-
Creature habits.

You took my soul and held it gently
You unlocked my heart and breathed life into me
I was so afraid and you helped me stand
You didn't carry me, but you showed me how to walk
You empowered my being.
I thought I was lighting up yours.
You taught me what love was
You told me you'd never leave
I finally
Finally
Believed you.

Where are you now?

darkness is simply emptiness
why is everyone afraid of what they do not know?

I’ve become a believer in the gods of small rooms
And I’ve come to befriend the librarians in every town I pass through
I’m a firm follower of the books on my nightstand and the childhood that got away from me
Some day I’ll learn about the reality of the matters in the big wide sky
But for now
I’m a believer in everything one might imagine could possibly join the bindings of a romance novel.

you're the kind of girl
who writes beauty personified
...
but is never written about

and i realized myself in that moment

kissing you was a poem
it was long and laced with words beyond definition
your lips were soft and the prettiest shade of pink i've ever seen
kissing you tasted like cherries and ***** secrets in a parking lot
it was deep and intimate, a dive into the abyss of your soul
your tongue sent shivers down my spine and slid candy in my mouth
kissing you was a poem
it sang in my soul, a rhythm set to the beating of my heart
your hands were writing all across my body like ink spilled on parchment, forever stuck

kissing you made me understand the feeling of Being Alive.

I fall for-
Dark haired angels with heads full of demons
Women-
That stab daggers in my chest to watch me bleed out
People-
With eyes as blue as the abyss of tears behind them
Anyone-
Who compliments the way I look when I smile
and will dance in the pouring rain with me
I fall for-
Those who see my body and want to beautifully ravage it
But see my mind and stand in awe

These are the people I desire

I did not wonder at the sound of the Earth beneath my feet
I did not tremble with the ground when it’s plates begin to shake
The Earth is a creature of power
And humankind has stood too long in denial of her hardship
I had forgotten her
Even as she screams out -
Her earthquakes and violent upheaval-
Her sorrow goes unheard
mourning the loss of her sacred places
She cries out once again
And the universe around us howls with Her
Yet, I have ignored her
This secret mother of all life
Her one desire has gone without notice
We live like we’ll always be here.
Perhaps, we should worry more-
The Earth shall not stop her tears
And when she melts
So shall we

Oh children born into fear
Take care of your Earth
Or you shall be right to Fear Her Violence
Oh child of fear
You are inside me today
But I fear it is too late
All the yesterdays of youth have washed away
I am left with only my island
And a growing gnawing in my brain that-
I too shall be shallowed with the screaming Earth

Children should not have to fear
They will not see their Earth Whole
Because of us.

the stars seem to whisper your name tonight
every night the wind reminds me of your touch
the dark dances with me,
just a shadow of you
Morning come
Your phantom has left me
You fall like dust through my fingers
and you are lost till sun sets-
when
once again
i walk with your ghost

i'm so afraid
          that when you leave
                            you'll find your better off
without me

Honey, dripping off your tongue-
In all but a literal fashion-
Seduction and degradation
Sweetest tone and darkest words
Darling,
Tell me your tune,
So I might have words like a knife to your throat,
Our bodies matching the same frequency on the radio and our voices intertwined in pitch like a harmony
Wet honey dripping-
In all but a literal fashion-
Your mouth following my curves
Tell me the path and I will find my way across every landscape of that back
Com(b)ing over each inch
Caressing you with my fingers,
Maybe my nails too deep in your skin,
Ever so clearly,
The marks I have made,
Honey, honey-
Honey you are dripping-
Even in the literal sense.
let me teach you how to kneel
And tell me all the ways we might together mend our wounds and heal
Or reopen them all in a fit of passion
And make more memories carved into time and orga(ni)sm

I can’t help but think
Why won’t you care
About anyone but yourself
You have all the options in the world
So why can’t you see it?

You have a pen and more than just ink
Let it caress your body
Take your mind far away
and I will wander the starry night
Trailing right behind you
A friend in tow
On your wild adventures
An artist unable to draw
Hoping to capture
A fleeting image
Of their ever changing Wonder
Dance on smoke with me
My dear
And let’s wander the night
Together

Violence of the mind.

black holes.
they come swallowing everything whole

dripping jaws.
they come tearing at chunks of fresh flesh

war of the mind.
gunshots gouged in blood wet heads
spears stabbing through blood wet sides
knives nestled in blood wet necks

madness-
of the mind.

Come one! Come all!
Come see the sickest sight of all!
this madness of the mind
i see it clear,
when i look in the mirror.

I am a creature
Soulless and bodiless
I flounder in open water -
Forgetting how to swim-
The waves take me under...

Alone in the ebbing tide
The body washes up
And with it
All my raw insecurity -
Unfinished thoughts and discomfort I kept inside-
Disintegrated

forever.

I am no longer a creature
Only words with an expiration date  
And secondhand memories
I find the stars more silky on my skin -
Than the dark cold water dragging me in-
Still sometimes ...

I awake to cough up a fish or two
Water soaking the Earth
Lungs expand
Slipping inside a hollow chest -
Remembering once again the distinct feeling-
Drowning.

forever.

i am a creature
but I have a soul (i think) -
and a body too-
even if it is to my deepest and sincerest regret...

Intoxication and blatant lies
I pretend you’re telling the truth
You pretend I’m sober enough to ****.
I haven’t been stone cold sober since mid-May
But I sure as hell
‘Been ****** as ****.

Sweet *** with the first ******* set I’ve ever owned
You paid for it
I ****** you in it.
Sensual tongue and your desire
For yourself.  
No one else
I have honored your body-
Worshipped-
At the foot of my bed
-and through the white light of phone conversation-
But you never gave enough *****
To call me pretty

Breaking her into pieces
Wondering how it happened
Knowing in my head -
I ignored all the signs.

Killing my brain with substances
She supplied more
Killing my time
She was the glass I poured from

Breaking her into pieces
Cremating the bones of our relationship
Knowing in my heart-
She cared far more than I could manage.

I am now standing here
Solitary.
Breaking her

All over the floor.

Kisses at sunset
Your mouth is the only one I remember
The only one that mattered
Your body is the last I pulled closer to my own
I don’t remember the past eight months
I wonder if it’s because I was apart from you
Kisses at sunrise
And everyday after
I imagine it with a shadow figure now
It’s not you
Anymore.

I don’t understand
I don’t understand what’s in my head
Or why I’m so ******* obsessed with
You
god, You
You
The center of my life is you.
And so you shall be the end of
me.
God.

i think
the line between
sanity
      and
           insanity
is
how much
we
think
      on the
              things
that make
humanity
shiver
        in their
                   bones.

A creature of habit
I am a creature who mirrors his habits
I wonder alone at night
I smoke before bed
I take two Tylenol
To help produce more effect
Mixing lightest painkiller
With heaviest smoky cloud
If your hand isn’t in mine
I’d rather sit alone
And replace it
With a joint.

You were my late night habit
Now I’ve got no one to turn to

I’ll find a new habit I guess
Perhaps the smoke is better for me than you ever were

I listen to 1975 on repeat,
Because all I can do is think of u
All I can do is cry over ur kisses and
Scream that I miss you to the wind
I want to dance in the stars or
drink till I’m dead-
No In between-
I want to marry you
Or live abandoned in a forest till my bones dry into the dirt around my feet
If you will not stay
I, too, will have no good reason to exist
If I cannot have you
I want no one else ...
Just listening to 1975,
Thinking of all the ways I miss you
And all the ways I love you

i kinda want to kiss you
your soft skin and amber eyes...
you call to me

i kinda want to hold you
and tell you sweet things
(also not-so-innocent things)

i kinda want to make love to you-
or just hold your hand
i just miss you

i have waited my entire life to be kissed the way u kiss me
I have watched every movie about girl kissing lover in the rain
I’m so happy that you could be my lover in the rain
As we sit in my car
With music swooning
And the rain pouring down
My heart feels like flying
And I truly cannot remember anything but the way your mouth makes my body tremble with excitement
Do you know,
Every **** time you kiss me like that
It’s like it’s the first time
And I feel everything in the world come alive
Suddenly
It doesn’t matter what I drive off to
Because I am fuzzy with the butterflies in my brain and my stomach
The happy ones
Like what I saw in all the films
I can take on anything
If only to be with you forever.
And ****
When I look at you
you have never been so beautiful
you have never been so soft
And god, I have never been so in love

Thoughts are fireflies
Burning in the darkness
Glowing most in our silence
We try to catch them
But there are always more
Thoughts are fireflies
They brighten children’s eyes
Bouncing about
in the captive jar of their minds
Thoughts are fireflies
Buzzing all night,
till we drift
At last
To sleep

Please handle me with care
If you don’t like lavender or honeysuckle
If you don’t want to smell like smoke
If you’re the type of person to buy almond milk
(I’m allergic)
If you avoid ****** eyeliner stoners
If you’d rather just play around
If you’d keep my heart after you break it
You might find I’m not so sweet in your mouth

Please handle me with care
I keep diaries and art journals with only a few entries
I wander at night and scare the **** out of my lovers
I don’t have enough friends to afford losing even one
(I’ll take yours too)
I think the sun is too bright but the moon is just right
I mutter under my breath when I need to process verbally
I sing loudly in the car
(Please never call me out on it)
Someday you’d find I’m worth the wait
But if you aren’t able to give patience and vulnerability
Please handle me with care
And don’t touch me like a lover does

Please handle me with care
If you like pretty boys and nerdy girls
If you wish you could talk and someone would listen
If you want obsession and passion and sweet sincerity
If you’d like the feeling of ‘my one and only’
If you’d tell me the truth and kiss me with your whole soul
You might find I’m the one for you