No matter how i try
i cannot have

what has already left

May you wash your feathers in light so blinding others cannot bear to behold
May you return from waters deep-
So white and without blemish-
The creatures at your bed’s end cower from your glory
May they fear the turn of your heel and flee from your footsteps
You- without fault-
Holy
Your skin sits in pudges
Your hair stands on end
Your jaw is set too strong
Lips far too much like a man’s
Can you see your Father’s reflection?
Holy like his Bible
Holy like his morning devotion
You can be too much
And by God
There it is again
You are your Father’s reflection
Staring back at the ******
What righteous defiance god shows in the face of his creation’s howling
May they all tremble.

Maybe it’s the losing people that makes them more lovable
Maybe it’s the edge
Rather than the dependability

I’ve always hated that-
I usually end up pushed over the edge when I stand too close

Lovers always say they just want a taste
They want the wind on their face
And they want to see the thrill on mine when I close my eyes and lean out across the vast nothingness

But then they push you
Instead of grabbing you
And then I am falling
All over again

I can’t condone madness and mayhem
But sometimes, I’d like to
Sometimes, I wake in the morning with an itch under my skin
The gun trigger in my mouth, safety off
And I know, it’s not right
But god, it feels so easy with the barrel all loaded
That’s when realization sets in and I can almost see the future like a fortune:
The dread scratches at the back of my scalp
(My conscience whimpers and begs my brain to listen)
The anger eats at my amygdala
The sharp sensation of adrenaline is burning its way up my central nervous system
And the apathy...
(My illness grins)
Someone’s gonna get it today.

the dictionary says it's a noun-
then why have I seen it in Action

an action like a thrusted spearhead at my chest,
an action like door hinges slamming shut
         and.the.lock.clicking.into.place.

because God forbid I have the chance to love
God forbids....
        their excuse is it's He and not They who cage me...
but i know homophobia
and it is a verb and a choice.
and They are the ones who told me:
You Are Not Allowed To Love

I listen to 1975 on repeat,
Because all I can do is think of u
All I can do is cry over ur kisses and
Scream that I miss you to the wind
I want to dance in the stars or
drink till I’m dead-
No In between-
I want to marry you
Or live abandoned in a forest till my bones dry into the dirt around my feet
If you will not stay
I, too, will have no good reason to exist
If I cannot have you
I want no one else ...
Just listening to 1975,
Thinking of all the ways I miss you
And all the ways I love you

Breaking her into pieces
Wondering how it happened
Knowing in my head -
I ignored all the signs.

Killing my brain with substances
She supplied more
Killing my time
She was the glass I poured from

Breaking her into pieces
Cremating the bones of our relationship
Knowing in my heart-
She cared far more than I could manage.

I am now standing here
Solitary.
Breaking her

All over the floor.

We are those who must decide what our life is worth

Whether the finale of our story
is a cliff-side car crash
or
the drawn-out drive's final destination

I lost
The feeling.
Alive.
Desire doesn’t wander my streets
Or slide its hands down my thighs
Alive.
I lost the feeling
**** it I’ve lost the feeling-
Did Love play a game of hide and **** with Betrayal-
they both died off without a farewell monologue i suppose...
I lost
The feeling.
Alive
Has become a trickster.
It’s beautiful beautiful face so terribly corrupted-
By all that Kills-
Alas!
Alive
Hiding its (Will)
Forever an inch away from me
In the dark -
Sometimes-
It dances above my head
Just to tease me...

I’ve lost the feeling
I’ve lost the will to stay alive

I am a creature
Soulless and bodiless
I flounder in open water -
Forgetting how to swim-
The waves take me under...

Alone in the ebbing tide
The body washes up
And with it
All my raw insecurity -
Unfinished thoughts and discomfort I kept inside-
Disintegrated

forever.

I am no longer a creature
Only words with an expiration date  
And secondhand memories
I find the stars more silky on my skin -
Than the dark cold water dragging me in-
Still sometimes ...

I awake to cough up a fish or two
Water soaking the Earth
Lungs expand
Slipping inside a hollow chest -
Remembering once again the distinct feeling-
Drowning.

forever.

i am a creature
but I have a soul (i think) -
and a body too-
even if it is to my deepest and sincerest regret...

I can feel it in my pores
The smoke soaks couch cushions
And all of my favorite flannels you borrowed
avoiding the smell on your shirt
A wave of vapor and burning Mary Jane

My pen
My blunt
My **** smokes

Your hands
All over my ****
I’d buy you anything you asked
Just keeping you
In my life

Your eyes red
Your lipgloss on the blunt
Your lighter
Your tobacco stained smile
You’re pretty when you’re ******
You like my flower
And I like you

The deal of a lifetime

I've been told to shut my mouth one too many times
I'm done being silent.
You didn't listen when I whispered
You had the chance to hear me talk
Now you Will hear me Scream

i was told
in prime of youth
fear need only be feared
in the presence of two:
Pain
         and
                 Death
As I grow
I've come to know
Pain
        is temporary
and Death
                   is only a friend
                  come to take me home

I’m attempting a story
A story with an ending
I’ve never had the courage to declare an ending
I’d like to try this time

I’m attempting to believe in good things
Manifestation is too much commitment
But I can believe in karma
And I want to try being a good person again

I’m attempting a new beginning
But all beginnings must have an ending
(To) Last

When you wander off the map
Running motor and music
Sitting still in the parking lot
But the whole vehicle is buzzing
(And I’m buzzed too)
You’re a little ******
He’s at the wheel
Creature habits and-
Creatures of habit-
Wander around lakesides
Scream out the window
Yell at the moon because your mom is cruel
Worship the woman in your favorite childhood magazine
Pin up the pictures
Pray you might become her
(Or **** her)
Creature of habit-
Creatures and their habits-
He whistled at us across the road
Cars are honking
I look like a ******* teen boy
But you look gorgeous
It’s definitely you
But I still shout and yell for your honor
(like it’s my own at stake)
You shouldn’t have to hide beauty like that
Because of a man and his ******* car
I wish I could weave fabric between the world and your sad eyes
Maybe a veil would add some shimmer to the dullness you see
Maybe you could fall in love
Wearing a knockoff version of rose colored glasses
Creatures and their habits-
Creature habits.

i gave you that part of myself which makes it impossible to let go
You will call
and i will come running

No matter the distance

Make a list
Make a list of the things you are
Grateful for
Grateful that death is close
Grateful that I will die soon
Grateful that-
Those aren’t the things I was supposed to write
But
They did ask
Make a list they said
So I made my little edgy list
My angsty, teenage, ******* list
My depression my anxiety
Wound into
A list

Make a list
Of what you’re grateful for
And everyday
Remind yourself
There’s a reason to live

I think I did the assignment incorrectly
But I did make a list

I did not wonder at the sound of the Earth beneath my feet
I did not tremble with the ground when it’s plates begin to shake
The Earth is a creature of power
And humankind has stood too long in denial of her hardship
I had forgotten her
Even as she screams out -
Her earthquakes and violent upheaval-
Her sorrow goes unheard
mourning the loss of her sacred places
She cries out once again
And the universe around us howls with Her
Yet, I have ignored her
This secret mother of all life
Her one desire has gone without notice
We live like we’ll always be here.
Perhaps, we should worry more-
The Earth shall not stop her tears
And when she melts
So shall we

Oh children born into fear
Take care of your Earth
Or you shall be right to Fear Her Violence
Oh child of fear
You are inside me today
But I fear it is too late
All the yesterdays of youth have washed away
I am left with only my island
And a growing gnawing in my brain that-
I too shall be shallowed with the screaming Earth

Children should not have to fear
They will not see their Earth Whole
Because of us.

i close my eyes
     near daytime's end
my soul again
    tries to mend
i open my eyes
     for i cannot sleep
and peace, my soul
   can-not keep
i wish i could try
    but my energy's run
i'm all overcome
   and all undone
i close my eyes
    near daytime's en'
i just want to try
    to feel a-gain

I am too indulgent
Too much
Too self pitying
And
Prone to mood swings
Stubborn to the point of blindness
I am likely to be a substance abuser
And a lover without any tact

I believe poetry
Can make anyone blind
To their own deep pain
It can romanticize
Even a self loathing *******
As myself
Even if
It should not

She deserves happy poems
Like nothing I can give her
I wish I knew how
To break this never ending spell
The tension between us
Has continued to rise
Yet my heart is not in it
So I wonder if
All I am doing is lying

She’ll get no happy poems from me

i think i see potential in things

what they could become-
if someone just takes the time to look

and
right now

i see my world
when i look in your eyes

doesn't it make you angry?
those who take and take and take
those who drop you all alone
those who beat you to the ground
....
and then come-a-knockin'
once again
when you're finally all cleaned up

i went to a wedding
my father looked sad
i realized in the silent car ride home
(arguing is all we do when we talk)
it was because
he believes he will never get to dance with Me
on my wedding
but whose fault is that?
still it makes me sad too
because
i will marry
           not a man
and he will
         nev' consent
to anything but.

You have a pen and more than just ink
Let it caress your body
Take your mind far away
and I will wander the starry night
Trailing right behind you
A friend in tow
On your wild adventures
An artist unable to draw
Hoping to capture
A fleeting image
Of their ever changing Wonder
Dance on smoke with me
My dear
And let’s wander the night
Together

Watching people
Wandering
Wondering if
I too
Could join the throng
The feelings
Crystallized ice in the ******* air
Frosty stones in souls
And stoners
Crossing (faded) between them
The feelings
The atmosphere filled to the brim
Overflowing out across
Water turned frozen
Slick across black cement
You can taste the tension
Cold feelings
Words become snowflakes
Watching people
They all wonder
When
When
When

They are me.
Every one.
The feelings ebb and flow-
The people here-
figments of Time’s art school phase-
Time’s own distorted puppets and pupils alike...
They are me.
Everyone.

someday
i hope
i can stand again
stand and say
i am enough

Was it worth it, dad?
All the hell you gave me for loving-
Was it worth what you lost?
Was it worth the scars on my body
from self harm
Or the distance between us-
the many nights you sent me fleeing out the door to cry in the darkness
Was it worth __ ;
(I'm sorry I can't say ___ because it hurts too much and it's still such a fresh wound)
But
You will never again hold that power over me.
You have Lost the Right to Tell Me My Value
you were nearly the end of me.
But My Lover shall be my new beginning

Please handle me with care
If you don’t like lavender or honeysuckle
If you don’t want to smell like smoke
If you’re the type of person to buy almond milk
(I’m allergic)
If you avoid ****** eyeliner stoners
If you’d rather just play around
If you’d keep my heart after you break it
You might find I’m not so sweet in your mouth

Please handle me with care
I keep diaries and art journals with only a few entries
I wander at night and scare the **** out of my lovers
I don’t have enough friends to afford losing even one
(I’ll take yours too)
I think the sun is too bright but the moon is just right
I mutter under my breath when I need to process verbally
I sing loudly in the car
(Please never call me out on it)
Someday you’d find I’m worth the wait
But if you aren’t able to give patience and vulnerability
Please handle me with care
And don’t touch me like a lover does

Please handle me with care
If you like pretty boys and nerdy girls
If you wish you could talk and someone would listen
If you want obsession and passion and sweet sincerity
If you’d like the feeling of ‘my one and only’
If you’d tell me the truth and kiss me with your whole soul
You might find I’m the one for you

I don’t understand
I don’t understand what’s in my head
Or why I’m so ******* obsessed with
You
god, You
You
The center of my life is you.
And so you shall be the end of
me.
God.

i warned myself against love
i put up every blockade i could think of
still i fell
i knew you'd leave
i said you would
still i hoped
i was sure you would lie
positive till the plunge:    that you'd never catch me
still i trusted
and i jumped
and i fell
                  in love

but you didn't catch me

Thoughts are fireflies
Burning in the darkness
Glowing most in our silence
We try to catch them
But there are always more
Thoughts are fireflies
They brighten children’s eyes
Bouncing about
in the captive jar of their minds
Thoughts are fireflies
Buzzing all night,
till we drift
At last
To sleep

Who was given the right to define love?

I want that right back.

No one should have the right to tell me-
You sin!

Because I love.

And I define my love.

I found a love eternal
Without realizing it
He captured my heart in a glass jar
Adding to his collection of wild light and color
Shining wings still flutter when the sunlight hits
But it is not the same
No captured beauty is truly wild or whole
The terror of loss is the truth that makes all things beautiful
Life is fleeting
And so was he
My butterfly heart is still on his shelf
Just adjusted to be less visible by others
Maybe he’ll forget
But when he does a deep clean
There I’ll be
Maybe the blue butterfly heart be dead at that point
But it’s still going to be his

Perhaps I am being forced to come to terms with the loss of a lover and the endurance of love long after

I think I shall truly love him forever
I will never have a love like his again

But perhaps
If I’m lucky
I shall find one different
More wild more beautiful
And even if it’s fleeting
I shall treasure the touch of insect legs ( and it’s precious gift of a heart) on my fingers-
without a cage or a license of ownership-
I can love him and love others
Sameness is not the goal
Evolution is.
Love is eternal
Even if the Lover is not.

kissing you was a poem
it was long and laced with words beyond definition
your lips were soft and the prettiest shade of pink i've ever seen
kissing you tasted like cherries and ***** secrets in a parking lot
it was deep and intimate, a dive into the abyss of your soul
your tongue sent shivers down my spine and slid candy in my mouth
kissing you was a poem
it sang in my soul, a rhythm set to the beating of my heart
your hands were writing all across my body like ink spilled on parchment, forever stuck

kissing you made me understand the feeling of Being Alive.

I’m not pure
It was simply a lure-
Making me think I’d found her
No.
I’m still alone
Laughing gods above my head
Still alone
Lover across my bed

No one sees my soul
I open
Only to be ****** away
I close
Only to be pounded by her emotion
I listen
But I cry in my sleep

I’m no longer pure
I thought it’d be the cure-
Making our love sweeter than before
No.
I’m still alone
Scolding parents around my door
Still alone
Pretty lover wanting more

We just were never meant to endure.

Can you sing when all the sounds in your head are gone?
I can’t quite catch it
The tune
The melody
The harmony
Dissonance is all I can accomplish
Squeaky or slightly disjunct
Raspy but slightly off key
I have tried so many ******* times to change the key or adjust my own harmonics
But it doesn’t ever fit just right
And I’m not good enough to fix it
So I’ll sing out of tune
And out of turn
Because it won’t get any better
And I haven’t got the time to worry
About the way I scream the sound
Of my favorite song

It’s okay to forget the melody
As long as my memory holds the lyrics

That’s what music means anyway
It’s about the words...

I know you’re the one
I’m not always happy about it
But I know it’s true
There is no one but you
To make me feel this way
Or stand beside me
when everything turns to blood
I know you’re the one
Because when I die
I want my bones wrapped up besides you
we can lay together for eternity
All others
Disappearing and decaying
Till only the souls are left
Intertwined forever
I know you’re the one
You hold me and kiss me in ways
No one could ever hope
To compete with
All at once
I am safe and so complete-
Lost in your eyes of ocean waves and the deep sea at night

I know you’re the one

There’s no great metaphor or language for it
There is only
the deep understanding
The secret tongue
written on my innermost body
All of it
Screaming out
Crying out
Laughing and weeping
Hysterical
Over keeping you

I know you’re the one
Even when I don’t want you to be

Especially
When I don’t want you to be.

I can’t help but think
Why won’t you care
About anyone but yourself
You have all the options in the world
So why can’t you see it?

Why is it always rap?
Well sometimes it’s psychedelic
But at parties I mean
I like smoke filled rooms
Where I know
Everyone’s high
And I can join them unabashed
The room soon faded out
All that’s left
Is the dimmer lights
Maybe a face to make out with
Smoke
Some bare walls walking on stilts
I’m
the highest in the room

Intoxication and blatant lies
I pretend you’re telling the truth
You pretend I’m sober enough to ****.
I haven’t been stone cold sober since mid-May
But I sure as hell
‘Been ****** as ****.

Sweet *** with the first ******* set I’ve ever owned
You paid for it
I ****** you in it.
Sensual tongue and your desire
For yourself.  
No one else
I have honored your body-
Worshipped-
At the foot of my bed
-and through the white light of phone conversation-
But you never gave enough *****
To call me pretty

they say you shouldn't miss what isn't yours

Don't curse me

for missing You

There is softness left in my body for him
There is compassion and empathy worming it’s way through my neurotransmitters
But I never know if he is finished destroying me
I’m not sure if I’ll ever know for sure
If he ever tried to love me though-
I would lose my sight to keep him close

Softness leads directly to my blindness
But only about You.

i kinda feel like an alien among men
i don't know why
maybe it's my intense gaze
or the way i need to feel everything
or the way i love to change
or my restless spirit...
        I don't want to be stagnant
        like some muddy river water, stuck forever
        dammed up so i'll never escape
(in other words ******)
why do humans so champion settling down?

I don’t think you know
How much I care
And I wish
I could explain
But I just don’t have the words
When I drive from you
All I can think is
I want her again
In my arms
And her hand in mine
So all I want to do
Is drive right back to you

the stars seem to whisper your name tonight
every night the wind reminds me of your touch
the dark dances with me,
just a shadow of you
Morning come
Your phantom has left me
You fall like dust through my fingers
and you are lost till sun sets-
when
once again
i walk with your ghost

Holding his hand
so close to me
I feel so warm
His hands are strong
But still kind and gentle
sometimes calloused
I hold their hand
For all of time
Just to trace
The veiny surface
And feel his heart beat
Through his wrist
To have and to hold
My hand in theirs
Forever more
This
Is my dreamland
For when that handsome creature touches my face
I can see the stars
and every happy future
Dancing in their eyes
I am safe.
At last.

Beloved lover
Beloved daughter
Beloved

Without anything

Without being
Anything

I don’t believe in innocence
It has forsaken me
Why would I depend on innocence to protect or bestow anything?

Without being anything
I would be what I am now

But I am not Beloved.

I'm trying to be happy
for you
it's kind of hard though
i miss you
but
you seem
happy on your own
away from me.
you're moving to Canada?

can i come too?

I wonder at the movement of your mouth
The open shape and muffled sounds you make
They keep my body fighting against my logic-
Coming
Back for more
All the time
Back for more