I feel like I’m ******* drowning again
All over again
Drowning in myself
Drowning in the lack of him
Drowning in the immense space between us
I took so many hits last night I shook and spasmed for two hours before I could sleep
But at least I wasn’t thinking about him
It’s okay
I’m not drowning
I’m okay
I’m not drowning
I’m not drowning
I’m not drowning
I’m not
Drowning
Drowning
Drowning
Drowning

my parents always told me
"purity is your only defense"
but
i'm not pure
anymore
and
i kinda like the way it feels
in her hands
this IS how to was supposed to be

Love
is not a sin

Why-
When we look at objects
Like cars
Do we call them
“She”

Why are women always the object of desire
And still the center of so much abuse?

Perhaps we are abused because we don’t run as smooth or as silently as a car.

I started kissing this girl
They grew on me and turned my brain into butterflies-
Flying all over her flowers-
But I am just moss
Growing on her tree
I am a parasite.
Leeching out all their good
I am...
Unstable.

Now we are dating

I’m still not sure if this is a good idea.

You are in everything
I suppose it’s inevitable
Because
I loved you for so long
You have become everything
All around me
There is nothing left but you
Deep inside me
Consuming me
Turning circles around my head
The way the sky looks at night
It’s still you
The way every love song sounds like a wedding tune
It’s still because of you
The way I cry and destroy myself to fight the regret eating at my insides
It’s still
You.
It’s always you
And I can’t escape it.

I had a dream
It was the muddy kind
Where everything is dull
And all your movements are slow-
But your perception is not-

Which only makes it more painful

Because when they set up the punchline
You see it coming
But can’t do anything

About the upcoming punch

And the most horrid-
Scattered parts-
Seem to linger on you
For the longest of time

Luckily, I got out-
Awakened from my dreams-
To avoid seeing my own death

I’m awake now
I think.

i dream of you
that's all i do
i see your smile in every star
i find your name in every song
i hear your voice in every whisper
i feel your hands in every tight knit t-shirt
that's all i do
i dream of you
i walk with you
i talk with you
i live with you
i breathe with you
but i only dream of you
that's all i do
a    l     l         i         d     o
All i do
is not
what i want to do
i don't want to dream
i want to live
with you

i love you

but we are not right for today

so i will let you go

and wave at tomorrow to walk closer

for someday

we will be right

I was doing okay
Then I did the stupid thing
I went to talk to you again

What a waste of care
And love
And time
And effort

Now I’m not okay
And I don’t know if I will be
I’ve never been this anxious before in my entire life

You have made my whole life complicated
And still
Everything is always more bright with you
I feel real
When I can kiss your cheek
Your hands
Wipe away the stress from my head
I want to pour all the love I have
Into a vase
And give it to you
You are more entangled in me
Than any other boy could ever be
I still love you
Even when there’s no chance
of you even wanting me

Artists are cursed
Artists are cursed to wallow in their own sadness
They enable the darkness inside themselves
we are afraid of permanent happiness
For is not the best art made by the broken

the thing about Love
is that
it's kind of like a unmarked, beautifully-wrapped Gift
                      
you don't want to keep it forever

but you don't want to give it to the wrong person
                      
because the Packaging can never be replaced.

Sure,
it can be taped up or redone

but it'll never be the way it was
Before

li-ttle    de-mons  
                   yell-ing inmy head.
sick-ly    voi-ces
                         humming allmy toons
love-sick     riff-raff
                                lap-ping upmy blood
fun-ny  sun-day
                     girl walks all-alone  
stop. her.
drop. her.

Death
       for-thee
  does
        Wait.

and in that moment
that passing second of truth-
before the mask of lies and smiles...

she felt her emptiness

what does it mean when you say "i'm busy"

it means that you just don't care about making time anymore
it means you're shutting me out
it means i'm annoying

it means-

it means the voices are too loud in my head and you mean to much to me-
because i'm sitting here overthinking your words.

i guess if you're busy,
too busy for me,
I'll just try to be small and fit in the corner

maybe you'll look at me when you're less busy...

i know i'm not important anyway-

at least,
that's what "i'm busy" says,
when in the place of
                                                  "i love you"

I’m 19
And I’ve caused more pain
In my short time
Then most middle aged adults
What I’ve done is irreversible
And therefore
Unforgivable
Unfixable
I deserve to die

The pain I’ve caused
Calls for my blood
The people I’ve destroyed
Call out for my end

As do I -
So blood was spilt
Now I will pay it all back

I would buy anything you asked
But what makes you smile most easily
Is as simple as flowers

So I will find you all the lilies I can buy, barter, steal, and gather -
Because I know they’re your favorite

May they make your room brighter
And give your face color when it is deprived of happiness

May they cover you in their perfume-
My perfume
Because
I want you to think of me

Think of me and lilies alike
Intertwine our names and smell and beauty

For I am the gifts I give-
I am the flowers
And you are all my meadows

Recently
I stopped taking the meds
Recently
I’ve begun to think
Life has feeling
Again
But it isn’t in a good way
Nights I would’ve spent knocked out cold-
I now spend crying
Alone and awake
Sleep gone
Love gone
Emptiness is a long lost friend
But she is one
I knew I must wave goodbye to
Forevermore

Recently
I realized
It is better to feel
Than have nothing at all

I’m going to pretend it’s improvement

she takes a deep breath
her soul is on fire

she coughs up smoke
her lungs are burning
she sips on the water
but it just scalds her throat

she takes a deep breath
it won't be long.
her soul is on fire
her head's all wrong

there are noises in her head
there's a pounding in her skull
everything's blurry-
soon she'll be dead

she takes a deep breath,
her very last one
her soul was on fire
...

and now
it is done

It's now going on three weeks
i think
i don't know

everythingseemstoblurtogether

since you've been gone

It seems to switch
I feel so happy
Then I can’t breathe
My head’s all cloudy
Covered in stars and thorns
I walk above the earth
Then down into the pit
My brain is full of melodies
Singing songs of death
Arbitrary love story
With a sickness at the end
Turning all else sour
In the light of its decay  
Even the memories
Seem to fade away
Leaving only-
The swinging set of my emotions
Covering me in crimson
And destroying the stability
I had established

After many months of normal
I am back to being desperate

He told me:

Talking with people is like...
This thing that
I both hate and love
Simultaneously
It’s as though I am a lump of clay
Attempting to understand a creature of heaven

And yet

Some days
People seem
So silly and
Insignificant
I can read them all
And I see no point in me-
A god-
Lowering myself to commune with the lost dead

i keep trying to box myself.
to squish and squeeze my being into small pieces
analyze the shards of my broken soul-
      but the odd thing is
                     the knife which broke me
is in my other hand

I just want to fit myself in the box.
cut and chop till i'm pieces enough to fit

i'm just trying to know myself
so i can fix
the things I destroyed-  in the first place

Manic
Depressive
Dead Or Alive
i will do my stupid ****
And bleed to death on the roadside
Or die of an overdose
Or maybe
I’ll finish nine things in one day
Wouldn’t that be great.
Manic
Depressive
Dead Or Alive

I miss him
I’ve taken to imagining him beside me when I get lonely or really anxious
I don’t talk out loud or anything
But it usually makes me feel better
Or I cry
One or the other

I feel so pathetic right now.
That could just be the drinking.

watching
stopped staring
heart so fast,
beating in my chest
face so sweet
arms inviting
eyes to eyes
hand to hand
smiles so kind,
like an old friend
he looks at me
and i at him
i am his
if only
he'll be Mine

That girl
               you think you know
she's moody.
personality: kinda sappy
dark-
but she's still happy           (right?)
she's   r a n d o m   and crazy
           (she could give the demons of hell a run for their money)
But she's not That depressed or hazy
she's not sunken to darkness That low       (surely?)
But
         I tell you
                                  what the hell do you know?

there once was a boy....
No.

there once was a girl

She
fell in love
With Her

the little girl was the only one not smiling
the only one painted to match the others' natural laughter
the little girl had tears drenching her skin
the little girl
looked up to the sky
and asked,

"dear Lord,
Must i be sad forever?"

is that an angel i see?
you- coming back for me

i just...
i honestly can't believe it

Action and reaction
Closing blinds and removing clothes
Energy engaged in creating synergy
Static electricity between-
Two bodies-
One soul to fuse
Forevermore

A comprehensive list of fears
My mother always said
Make a list and check it twice
Beware unrepresented ignorance and under-communicated pain
Here is my list thus far
Heights
Religion
Confronting myself
Rejection
Chalk
Praying and hearing anger
Armageddon
Team sports
Embarrassment
Being second best
The possibility I am in fact unlovable and have destroyed the one good person I had through my own selfishness
Changing plans
Phone calls
Momma says
It can’t hurt you if you write it down and just-
Be aware.

Medications to help me sleep
Medication to help me breathe
Medication to help me be-
Just a little less
Empty

Why am I still so empty

The world stood still when I loved you

But Today
I’m reminded that’s an unnatural and unsustainable state

Quiet repentance
Sitting at the edge of the bed-
Or lying face down-
Sometimes there are tears
But mostly it’s just apathy
Quiet temptation causes quiet repentance
Just as small teardrops of blood rise to the surface
Pocket knives and silent death-
Despair.
After the fact,
Quiet repentance takes place...
Even as the fingers clasped in prayer, are the finger still covered in crimson

i'm afraid
Afraid, that when you leave me
You will discover
you don't want me
i'm terrified
Terrified, i am not enough
Because you left
and i don't know anymore...

i just don't know...

if you're ever coming back

I can’t write anything happy
So I will not even try.
My one light is gone.
Snuffed out
Perhaps forever-
Through my own stupidity-
And I will wallow in that
If not in person-
For I will not be a burden-
Then in the privacy of my poetry.
Online.

Not so private after all.

nothing is as powerful
as a person
who has nothing left to lose

I like this comfort in my body
The feeling of kindness
Soaking my bones
If only my flesh could be the net for the sea of swirling emotions
If only my mom could see me without my pain
If only my father would look at me without a ghost in his words
All the same,
I like the way you feel
I like the sweetness in your eyes
Being wanted is foreign
A friend waving across the hallway-
After years of lost contact-

Still
I like the goodness that exudes from your smile and the way you warm me right down to my stony heart
(Is that the sound of beating I hear?)
Once again
I will try to love.

I don’t think she was built to last
This vessel
This shell
My body- a temple?
You must be joking.

I shall run her through till the last ounce of blood as been drunk and dripped down my pouring neck
I shall destroy her with all the malcontent of a blunt in a cigar lounge
No one else treated her like gold
So I shall rust rust rust
Till I am all but bone

you had a dream about our first apartment
about the soft glowing light
and the scents made sweet by our love
you had a dream about our future

let's make it a reality.

he said to me:

your eyes,
blue and wide
curious and colored
sparkling with-
is that-         a bit of madness?

don't stare at me
you scare me
your bright sapphire eyes
and
dark raven pupils
tell them to stop peering into my soul            
i have secrets i wish to keep...

so he said to me.

Do nothing
Just staring at the walls
I know I’m supposed to say
I do it because I’m sad
Or I don’t like the way I feel
But really
To do nothing is my greatest pleasure
Putting on a record
Dancing alone
Doodling ******* that never gets finished
Books untouched staring at me
Homework and responsibilities ignored
Doing nothing
Perhaps in sitting alone
I find no expectations
(And no regrets)
Perhaps when I have nothing to do
I have carved my own corner of the universe-
One, I alone determine

You hit me and it was shocking
Being hit by lightning never felt so divine
Being in love never felt so real
You hit me and I could Feel
For the first time
But I mistook licking the floor at your feet for love
And I misunderstood that eating out of your ***** hands was bad for my health
When you told me love was a chain and a collar, I believed you
So when you walked away -
Where was I supposed to go but to follow?
And when I was whining at your heels
How you turned and snarled
“Back to your corner till tonight”
So when you were done ******* them
Then you crawled back to me
And opened my cage-
Only to push my head between your legs
Only to tell me how it felt
To have another for lunch-
While waiting for me at dinner.

Night pour into nights
I was your night
But you had made yourself my Entire understanding of light.

But hey, that’s love right?
We let them destroy us with words and pain
Till we stand up
Only to get kicked down again and torn into for asking-
“Why am I not enough?”

someday i will make your heart so happy
that every worry of your mind
will be no more

I still don’t understand why my mother insists on eating meals at the dining room table
But I’m starting to realize why she likes windows in the kitchen, above the sink
Maybe there’s a piece of me-
Chipped corners on the granite countertop
(Where my teeth took a beating at ten)-
Carrying an overwhelming fear of being left out
Maybe, I am like my mother
And she is like me.
I can’t hear her calling out,
But she’s present in the spice rack and the memorized cookie recipe in my phone-
I’ve taken up her affinity for long articles and paranoid monologues,
But I’m struggling in keeping with her veracious consumption of innocence paperback novels
Maybe all her words were wisdom
And I just am foolish child
Maybe, I am like my mother
And she is like me.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHEN YOU'RE ON FIRE
I CAN PUT IT OUT

No matter how i try
i cannot have

what has already left

I lost all of myself for a couple of pills
I lost all of myself for a year of bliss
I lost all myself for a while.

For a while I was out of my body
For a while I felt nothing but the endless death and rebirth
The stability of true love
I thought.

I thought I was whole
And I thought he was enough
To replace me

How little I thought I was ...
How little I thought of love

I lost myself for a while
And for a while shall I roam-
All alone.

He likes to write poems
I think his greatest secret is
He wants poems written in his honor
To be forever preserved in sacred pages of letter and ink
He loves to write poetry
But his poems can not capture
His own beauty
Ink covered fingers or t-shirts with coffee stains
He smells like beach waves and vanilla pine
The way his hair falls in his face
And the pretty boy eyes he hides behind bluelight glasses
He likes to make the moon his muse
He would marry the sound of his own voice-
Projecting his spoken word or monologue across a crowded nighttime space
Nobody knows
This sweet barista boy
Has broken every heart
That every loved him

Cute barista boys are not to be trusted
But they sure as hell will give your heart all the butterflies of springtime gardens
And he will treat you like God
Before tossing you aside