I don’t think you know
How much I care
And I wish
I could explain
But I just don’t have the words
When I drive from you
All I can think is
I want her again
In my arms
And her hand in mine
So all I want to do
Is drive right back to you

Please don’t hate me
and please don’t just love my body

Either would be
Fine
On any other day

But I’m catching feeling
For you my love

Falling.

It feels warmer

Than I remember from the last time

(Do you think I’m ready for the heat?)

I don’t like crying
Yet. (There’s
                Water
          Falling from
                     My eyes)
I don’t like tears
Yet (they
drip
down
my
Face).

I think I need to relearn soft
I may need to try:
Awareness.
I want to try
To love her well
I need to make her feel safe
I may need to try
Again.
I want to try
To be worthy of her trust
I think I need to relearn
soft
aware
trustworthy
kind
Because:
I want to love her right

I promise to write something happier
I’m just very afraid right now
I know this isn’t what I feel
It’s just this moment
But
I’m still afraid
So I’ll write till it disappears
And then I’ll finish the truer thoughts I have written just for you
Because You
My love
Are not this fear in my chest!!!
But
Understand
I must write the fear somewhere
Because I Am afraid
I Am terrified
But only for this moment
Before I wake up
and recognize my happier reality
......
Hopefully (says fear)

I don’t know if I can take it
Someone else leaving
Not so soon
I know this is a sorry excuse for a poem
And certainly no fine speech
I guess it’s just me begging
On my knees
On my face
Groveling in the dirt-
Where I seem to belong-
Pitiful, not to you
But maybe to whatever creature hears my course crying in the creaking wake of dawn...
To you I say:
This is my begging
Hear it well
My heart cannot take another sword-
I have only just bandaged from the first

sometimes
I think I might have found something
But then
Everything turns away once it gets your heart
Or your body for it’s pleasure
Which is worse?
I’m not sure I know.
Anymore.

Why do things always burn to bits in my hands ?
Why is there only ash left ...
What is it that drives me to burn so fiercely-
And how do I not feel the fire searing my own body-
When it seems to consume everyone who walks closer to me ...
It seems the burning can have no friends but ash and the scent of roasting flesh and boiling blood.
I burn alone.
And it seems I am burning alive.

Warm thoughts
Like waves of strawberry wind
Like windows rolled down in the summer
And slow dancing in twilight fields
Midnight thoughts
About her laying on my chest
About her laughter which makes me smile
and her heavenly scent swirling in the air about me
Crying thoughts
Because she doesn’t know how priceless she is
Because she can’t seem to see that she deserves
Everything
And hoping with all my heart
I can give her an embrace that but imitates that elusive safety she is missing
Smiling thoughts
The feeling of her mouth against mine still lingers...
My windows down
My music screaming
Driving away-
But knowing
I’ll see her another day

she's gonna have me falling
i swear she is
she looked at me once

now i want to kiss her lips

why
AM I LIKE THIS

**** love,
i kinda just want to stare into the abyss
...
(till she kisses me anyway)

you call yourself awkward-
your girly laugh and silly jokes
hands cold and lower lip trembling,
your nervous flinching and stiffened frame
spaced-out blue eyes and pupils widening
the way you can't,
stand to be touched
but also,
want it so much
don't call me cliche but,
i call it cute-
your muffled giggling with head in your hands
your sparkling eyes and face lit up-
the crinkled corners of your eyes
and the smiles you try to hide
surprise makes you stumble and
your jaw drop to the floor
and for me...
there's nothing i love more

There’s a girl
Who makes me laugh
She’s an awkward angel
Wearing
Perhaps
The largest mask
I’d like to know her
Under it all
I hope she wants
To tell me her story
If only she’d talk
I wait to listen

i think
the line between
sanity
      and
           insanity
is
how much
we
think
      on the
              things
that make
humanity
shiver
        in their
                   bones.

i went to a wedding
my father looked sad
i realized in the silent car ride home
(arguing is all we do when we talk)
it was because
he believes he will never get to dance with Me
on my wedding
but whose fault is that?
still it makes me sad too
because
i will marry
           not a man
and he will
         nev' consent
to anything but.

Was it worth it, dad?
All the hell you gave me for loving-
Was it worth what you lost?
Was it worth the scars on my body
from self harm
Or the distance between us-
the many nights you sent me fleeing out the door to cry in the darkness
Was it worth __ ;
(I'm sorry I can't say ___ because it hurts too much and it's still such a fresh wound)
But
You will never again hold that power over me.
You have Lost the Right to Tell Me My Value
you were nearly the end of me.
But My Lover shall be my new beginning

the dictionary says it's a noun-
then why have I seen it in Action

an action like a thrusted spearhead at my chest,
an action like door hinges slamming shut
         and.the.lock.clicking.into.place.

because God forbid I have the chance to love
God forbids....
        their excuse is it's He and not They who cage me...
but i know homophobia
and it is a verb and a choice.
and They are the ones who told me:
You Are Not Allowed To Love

kissing you was a poem
it was long and laced with words beyond definition
your lips were soft and the prettiest shade of pink i've ever seen
kissing you tasted like cherries and ***** secrets in a parking lot
it was deep and intimate, a dive into the abyss of your soul
your tongue sent shivers down my spine and slid candy in my mouth
kissing you was a poem
it sang in my soul, a rhythm set to the beating of my heart
your hands were writing all across my body like ink spilled on parchment, forever stuck

kissing you made me understand the feeling of Being Alive.

i think i see potential in things

what they could become-
if someone just takes the time to look

and
right now

i see my world
when i look in your eyes

i kinda want to kiss you
your soft skin and amber eyes...
you call to me

i kinda want to hold you
and tell you sweet things
(also not-so-innocent things)

i kinda want to make love to you-
or just hold your hand
i just miss you

what does it mean when you say "i'm busy"

it means that you just don't care about making time anymore
it means you're shutting me out
it means i'm annoying

it means-

it means the voices are too loud in my head and you mean to much to me-
because i'm sitting here overthinking your words.

i guess if you're busy,
too busy for me,
I'll just try to be small and fit in the corner

maybe you'll look at me when you're less busy...

i know i'm not important anyway-

at least,
that's what "i'm busy" says,
when in the place of
                                                  "i love you"

she takes a deep breath
her soul is on fire

she coughs up smoke
her lungs are burning
she sips on the water
but it just scalds her throat

she takes a deep breath
it won't be long.
her soul is on fire
her head's all wrong

there are noises in her head
there's a pounding in her skull
everything's blurry-
soon she'll be dead

she takes a deep breath,
her very last one
her soul was on fire
...

and now
it is done

i close my eyes
     near daytime's end
my soul again
    tries to mend
i open my eyes
     for i cannot sleep
and peace, my soul
   can-not keep
i wish i could try
    but my energy's run
i'm all overcome
   and all undone
i close my eyes
    near daytime's en'
i just want to try
    to feel a-gain

someday i will make your heart so happy
that every worry of your mind
will be no more

you had a dream about our first apartment
about the soft glowing light
and the scents made sweet by our love
you had a dream about our future

let's make it a reality.

is that an angel i see?
you- coming back for me

i just...
i honestly can't believe it

i keep trying to box myself.
to squish and squeeze my being into small pieces
analyze the shards of my broken soul-
      but the odd thing is
                     the knife which broke me
is in my other hand

I just want to fit myself in the box.
cut and chop till i'm pieces enough to fit

i'm just trying to know myself
so i can fix
the things I destroyed-  in the first place

li-ttle    de-mons  
                   yell-ing inmy head.
sick-ly    voi-ces
                         humming allmy toons
love-sick     riff-raff
                                lap-ping upmy blood
fun-ny  sun-day
                     girl walks all-alone  
stop. her.
drop. her.

Death
       for-thee
  does
        Wait.

doesn't it make you angry?
those who take and take and take
those who drop you all alone
those who beat you to the ground
....
and then come-a-knockin'
once again
when you're finally all cleaned up

Who was given the right to define love?

I want that right back.

No one should have the right to tell me-
You sin!

Because I love.

And I define my love.

there once was a boy....
No.

there once was a girl

She
fell in love
With Her

the little girl was the only one not smiling
the only one painted to match the others' natural laughter
the little girl had tears drenching her skin
the little girl
looked up to the sky
and asked,

"dear Lord,
Must i be sad forever?"

and in that moment
that passing second of truth-
before the mask of lies and smiles...

she felt her emptiness

Violence of the mind.

black holes.
they come swallowing everything whole

dripping jaws.
they come tearing at chunks of fresh flesh

war of the mind.
gunshots gouged in blood wet heads
spears stabbing through blood wet sides
knives nestled in blood wet necks

madness-
of the mind.

Come one! Come all!
Come see the sickest sight of all!
this madness of the mind
i see it clear,
when i look in the mirror.

watching
stopped staring
heart so fast,
beating in my chest
face so sweet
arms inviting
eyes to eyes
hand to hand
smiles so kind,
like an old friend
he looks at me
and i at him
i am his
if only
he'll be Mine

the thing about Love
is that
it's kind of like a unmarked, beautifully-wrapped Gift
                      
you don't want to keep it forever

but you don't want to give it to the wrong person
                      
because the Packaging can never be replaced.

Sure,
it can be taped up or redone

but it'll never be the way it was
Before

i'm so afraid
          that when you leave
                            you'll find your better off
without me

i love you

but we are not right for today

so i will let you go

and wave at tomorrow to walk closer

for someday

we will be right

i warned myself against love
i put up every blockade i could think of
still i fell
i knew you'd leave
i said you would
still i hoped
i was sure you would lie
positive till the plunge:    that you'd never catch me
still i trusted
and i jumped
and i fell
                  in love

but you didn't catch me

It's now going on three weeks
i think
i don't know

everythingseemstoblurtogether

since you've been gone

they say you shouldn't miss what isn't yours

Don't curse me

for missing You

You took my soul and held it gently
You unlocked my heart and breathed life into me
I was so afraid and you helped me stand
You didn't carry me, but you showed me how to walk
You empowered my being.
I thought I was lighting up yours.
You taught me what love was
You told me you'd never leave
I finally
Finally
Believed you.

Where are you now?

i don't see
i don't hear
i don't know
i don't understand
i don't imagine
i don't create

idontFEEL

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ME, MY SOULMATE

i'm afraid
Afraid, that when you leave me
You will discover
you don't want me
i'm terrified
Terrified, i am not enough
Because you left
and i don't know anymore...

i just don't know...

if you're ever coming back

I'm trying to be happy
for you
it's kind of hard though
i miss you
but
you seem
happy on your own
away from me.
you're moving to Canada?

can i come too?

my parents always told me
"purity is your only defense"
but
i'm not pure
anymore
and
i kinda like the way it feels
in her hands
this IS how to was supposed to be

Love
is not a sin

Survive they said.
i tried
Breathe they said.
i wanted to
Open your ******* eyes they screamed!
i wished to
but i couldn't see through the swelling
All i see is grey
All i feel is blue
All i know is red
Grey for the beatings
Grey for the handcuffs
Grey for the end. i endured in my body
Blue for the thoughts in my head
Blue for the endless well of tears
Blue for the sky I'll never see and the happiness i'll never know
Red for the knowledge shoved down my throat
Red for the blood that stains my clothes
Red for my innocence bled until death and the body that grabbed at my flesh

Life is our enslaver. Faith is the savior.  
And I Am A ******* Loser.

darkness is simply emptiness
why is everyone afraid of what they do not know?

i dream of you
that's all i do
i see your smile in every star
i find your name in every song
i hear your voice in every whisper
i feel your hands in every tight knit t-shirt
that's all i do
i dream of you
i walk with you
i talk with you
i live with you
i breathe with you
but i only dream of you
that's all i do
a    l     l         i         d     o
All i do
is not
what i want to do
i don't want to dream
i want to live
with you