My arms feel like lead pipes -
Hollow metal husks
The passage for heated blood to travel my body

The bones were not strong enough
Nor was the mind
But metal is unfeeling
it will not melt when the heat of blood and rage pumps

I like to imagine
The weight inside of my arms (and my legs and my head and my heart) is metal-
Holding me up-
Even if I am lying to myself

I feel as though I have wandered alone
Even when I was not

Blood roaring in my ears
Reverberating rush from the pipes of under my skin
The metal and the blood
Weighing me down

So much weight
I do not know that my unstable flesh and defeated skeleton can hold up any longer
The strength of the cold metal is not helping me in my fight
As I thought it could

I miss him
I’ve taken to imagining him beside me when I get lonely or really anxious
I don’t talk out loud or anything
But it usually makes me feel better
Or I cry
One or the other

I feel so pathetic right now.
That could just be the drinking.

Something happy.... something.... happy...
I can remember happy things

I think

I never told you but I wrote about you
For therapy
I felt silly
But it made me happy
I wrote about our picnic
When we had dated for only a year
It felt like forever
But it was a good forever
I wish I could go back to that

I feel broken
Like little pieces
All over again.

Whole
But still ugly and stupid-
I truly never learn-
I broke myself
And him
So, I will pick up the shards
All over again.

I couldn’t stop to think
Or step away
I had to break it
Once more
I am destroying it
All over again.

But in the end
It will be okay
Because this has occurred before
And I can will myself back together
All over again.

So the cycle will repeat itself
And I will still be stupid and ugly
Just a little more facade to paint anew
And I will pretend to be whole
All over again.

I can’t sleep anymore
It’s getting too hard
I just lay in bed
My eyes turn red with the clock
And my chest can feel the weight growing
The weight of ghosts haunting-
The space around my body-
I can feel their weight
It presses down on my chest
And my arms
And my legs-
It’s you-
laying with me
But it is not comforting
The way it used to be
You are a ghost
Memories and broken feelings
Melding into a weight-
A ghost-
Laying on my chest
And in my arms
You are the ghosts and the weight
You are all my sleepless nights
And I am your haunted house

Sometimes
I decide to fly
I can get too high-
I will admit the truth-
But if you’re there
Or I think you are
Or I imagine you
It’s like I can feel your body-
Your energy-
The aura of You wandering in like mist
The warmth of your arms
The cold in your hands-
Wrapped around my waist-
You intersect the reality of the ground
And you ascend with me to the sky
Floating about on clouds of sensitive skin and bad balance
It’s best when I’m so far up I can decipher nothing beyond my own desire
I breath
You sing
I whisper
You seem to kiss me back-
******* darling-
You are forever sweet in my mouth
A lover on whom I love to wait
And the intoxication I refuse to break
It’s a sinful heaven
Being too high
And thinking of you

I would buy anything you asked
But what makes you smile most easily
Is as simple as flowers

So I will find you all the lilies I can buy, barter, steal, and gather -
Because I know they’re your favorite

May they make your room brighter
And give your face color when it is deprived of happiness

May they cover you in their perfume-
My perfume
Because
I want you to think of me

Think of me and lilies alike
Intertwine our names and smell and beauty

For I am the gifts I give-
I am the flowers
And you are all my meadows

He doesn’t kiss me the way he used to
Which is understandable
He is in pain, and so was I
But I want it back
That way he kisses me
It made my whole body melt
I could taste it for hours after-
The soft glow-
Even as I drifted to sleep
Those nights felt like eternity
The ghost of his mouth full of butterflies in my loneliness memory
...
I’ll write this
In hopes
He’ll forgive me

I wrote a poem a year ago
It didn’t make much sense
All that could be explained
Was the overwhelming feeling of love

I thought I might get better
At putting my thoughts on paper
But it appears
I am no more apt than before

His very essence
Has worn through my words
It has made a mess of my usual writing
He has torn through the world in my mind
Leaving only the warmth of sunshine
And an overwhelming feeling of love

Even today
I cannot write well
But all that matters
Is that he understands
My overwhelming feeling of love
For him

marred by convention
wearing tradition like a blinding bandage
it slings itself across my eyes
justice is blind
but not
in this way,
not in the binding way.
i never imagined I wore tradition on my forehead
i never imagined I had convention choking out my mind
the lack of oxygen to the brain...
i still desire to change.

Please
Teach me how to become something more
To love and to care
Without any judgement
Teach me how to untie the blindfold
And make my eyes healed to see...
I still desire to change.

the question now:
how can I?

fatal attraction and ethereal attachment
there's too many changes-
in you and me-
we have been pushed together like magnets
but
perhaps our energy is one that repels
And we have been forcing ourselves together
In opposition to the healthy charges of our attractions
perhaps we are not a positive charge
but two negatives

Honey, dripping off your tongue-
In all but a literal fashion-
Seduction and degradation
Sweetest tone and darkest words
Darling,
Tell me your tune,
So I might have words like a knife to your throat,
Our bodies matching the same frequency on the radio and our voices intertwined in pitch like a harmony
Wet honey dripping-
In all but a literal fashion-
Your mouth following my curves
Tell me the path and I will find my way across every landscape of that back
Com(b)ing over each inch
Caressing you with my fingers,
Maybe my nails too deep in your skin,
Ever so clearly,
The marks I have made,
Honey, honey-
Honey you are dripping-
Even in the literal sense.
let me teach you how to kneel
And tell me all the ways we might together mend our wounds and heal
Or reopen them all in a fit of passion
And make more memories carved into time and orga(ni)sm

I fall for-
Dark haired angels with heads full of demons
Women-
That stab daggers in my chest to watch me bleed out
People-
With eyes as blue as the abyss of tears behind them
Anyone-
Who compliments the way I look when I smile
and will dance in the pouring rain with me
I fall for-
Those who see my body and want to beautifully ravage it
But see my mind and stand in awe

These are the people I desire

I am on fire
Well
My brain is at least
It hurts to think some days
Well
It’s often all of them
It’s burning me up
I feel feverish with it
Like some unholy ghost coming from furnace
twice burned:
Body and soul
It isn’t always bad
Sometimes it makes me wild and alive-
Unstoppable
Well
Except for the headaches and crash at the end

The truth is
I like being on fire
Even though it hurts
I just don’t like stepping out of the flames,
Realizing,
I have been burnt raw and ******

Crystals and sharp edges
Pencil lead and arson
Steel and death
Why are these things all tied together in my head?
Because association
And experience
Have played a game on my brain
And turned the wires all askew
Ribbons and assault rifles
The color orange and pill bottles
...
So many more

Lover,
Do you understand the way my heart desires you?
the way my soul longs for your touch-
Not the touch you give without thought
Or the kisses you do not seem to mind-
Those are but the surface of the endless desire
No, my love
the way I long for you is without parallel
I could spend my nights pining
Or spend verse after verse of exposition-
Like those poets of old-
But it would be no use
Lover,
I hope you understand,
I have tried to speak my mind,
You are all I want
And all I think of late at night
You are the stars and the rain
And every small, strong, beautiful, and rugged thing
...
I simply desire the intentional love you give me
Please, my dearest
Do not forget to love me with intention

i have waited my entire life to be kissed the way u kiss me
I have watched every movie about girl kissing lover in the rain
I’m so happy that you could be my lover in the rain
As we sit in my car
With music swooning
And the rain pouring down
My heart feels like flying
And I truly cannot remember anything but the way your mouth makes my body tremble with excitement
Do you know,
Every **** time you kiss me like that
It’s like it’s the first time
And I feel everything in the world come alive
Suddenly
It doesn’t matter what I drive off to
Because I am fuzzy with the butterflies in my brain and my stomach
The happy ones
Like what I saw in all the films
I can take on anything
If only to be with you forever.
And ****
When I look at you
you have never been so beautiful
you have never been so soft
And god, I have never been so in love

I used to dream of being kissed in the rain
But I did not imagine
It would be as wonderful as this
Spinning in darkness
Frosted streetlights reflected in emerging puddles
Freezing cold head and blue lips
but warm all over the places their hands touch
The happiness that blooms in my chest
Is the flower watered by the rain
And the result of many small kisses
Dripping down my face
Glasses spotted
Teeth chattering
But all I can do is smile
And laugh through the cold
I am in love
I am in love with being with them
And their kisses in the rain

I listen to 1975 on repeat,
Because all I can do is think of u
All I can do is cry over ur kisses and
Scream that I miss you to the wind
I want to dance in the stars or
drink till I’m dead-
No In between-
I want to marry you
Or live abandoned in a forest till my bones dry into the dirt around my feet
If you will not stay
I, too, will have no good reason to exist
If I cannot have you
I want no one else ...
Just listening to 1975,
Thinking of all the ways I miss you
And all the ways I love you

To hide a poem
Is to hide a piece of the soul
Poetry is only kept secret
If the words start with truth
And the letters breathe life
Hiding poetry
Is like locking away the past
A treasure trove full of adventure-
Tainted by rust and blood.
Sadly, once the box is unlocked,
One may find it to all be but dust
Poems scattered to the wind
Memories, once hidden, now forever lost

Sliding backwards is a sensation I am familiar with
But it is one I never wish to experience again
Tell me why I didn’t recognize the signs earlier....
Perhaps they all were upside down as well.

Dating a person is like
Finding out
Life is not what you thought-
Learning about complexities of human spirit
Waltzing amongst desert scorpions
Diving for rocks on reef’s bottom
Kissing a person is like
Tasting every color
Holding gold-
Hidden under silver
Uncovering beauty where sadness lies
Crying in the rain
Midnight messages after dreams
Loving a person is like
Flirting with addiction,
Smoke and gunpowder in lungs,
Knowing you ll never want anything else
But probably should end it all
If only to keep them safe.
Staying silent with the love of your life is like
Seeing stars when they’re around
But fading to shadow when they look away ....
I’m not saying it’s like this all the time -
Only when existence is a strain in my bones
and its foot is against my broken back

Love would be no sweeter
Than the love they give me
Tastes like caramel
and eating...
Cookie dough off a spoon
Love could be no softer
Than the skin between their thighs
Their hand in mine
The feeling of hair sifting through fingers...
The thought of more than just their soft hair between my fingers....
Love should be no less
Than all the secrets I’ve shared
The vulnerability of being theirs
The desire...
For them as my own
And worshipping the inches between my mouth and their....
Temple
Love cannot be anymore lovely
Than this river of passion and protective nature
Rushing out my pores and washing us away
carry us...
Away

They like it when I write them poems
In between mess and anxiety
My writing is a blossom of light
They say it’s always pretty
Even though it’s often not
I like to offer up hope
To their throbbing heart
So I write these words
In hope to make their pain stop
They like it when I bring rocks
A sign I care about them
even when I’m gone
They always smile upon holding the pebbles-
preciously and carefully collected to my care
I smile because I know
How wrong their impressions of me truly are
Yet, I desire their love more than
Anything
So I let them think I’m good
When I’m absolutely not

I love them through their mess
And I hope to God
They’ll stay through mine

Drinking without feeling very much
is like
sleeping when your bones ache with tiredness
but finding no peace upon awaking
I guess its more like
insomnia
Except
   everything gets a litttlllleeee
blurry...

cry along the sidewalk
peaceful hanging upside-down...
on train track bridges
wild hearts and wilderness
scream into the void
run into the forest
destroy and create-
chaos.
Beauty amongst ash-
Phoenix rising from glowing disaster
dancing in the fall of the world
scream into the stars
run into the arms of darkness
cry alongside the thunder
worship at the feet of hell
destroy all else-
but the joy in your
dying
burning
bones

To feel for sinew and find nothing but bone
Ancient energy buzzed amongst pillars of salt and light
Darkness weaving through sheer barriers of throbbing hearts
Creeping quietly upon delight and remorse
Depth attacking the shallow process
Subconscious suppression bursting into conscious thought
Gasping for air and wrecking floating boats
Sinking sinking
Forever
Into the subconscious hell
The untouched nightmare
Forever
Cursed to wander
Because they did not settle the fist fight-
between trauma and the future.

Has it set in yet?

The apathy

Once Drowning in these painful experiences.

Cringing at the bloodied bodies of heartless ventures dying  
Crying when your mother screams your name
Cracking beneath the pressure
...
Has your job finally overwhelmed your mortal reactions
Has your soul finally given way
Do you even hear the noises -

Or only the silence Now.

The apathy

Has it set in yet?

I did not know
Love was a competition or a fraud
Is love a symbol of hope after all
Or but a shadow
Carried by death
As a mark on my door for eternity

I don’t think my brain is working clearly

Failing is relative to most of the world
But right now
It feels pretty **** specific to me

I miss you my love
It’s odd
To get used to the rhythm of ones voice
And have it disappear completely
It reminds me
To always treasure my every -
Second
With you
For you are the woman I want to spend -
My life
Dancing with
To walk hand in hand
Through fire and water and everything we must face in this life
I miss you
But it’s a good reminder
...
I’ll buy u flowers the next time I see you

To fall for something lovely
is a dream come true
To fall for something deadly
Is to be a fool

In love we fall forever
Whether we chose
Or we are pushed

In motion
The heart remains
Towards the ground,
it’s path ordained  

Who will be there to catch you,
Before you hit the floor
And break every bone in your body,
Becoming ravaged rubble once more

To hold u is to live
Cherishing every second
And yet
Still desiring more
To the end I will love you
Never growing tired of you
And Always
Missing you when ur gone
To me you are beautiful
When you cannot see it
Still
I will remind you every day

You are that which softens my edges
And strengthens my soul -
Apart simply walking
...
With you
I am flying

Asleep in my arms
Soft as you breathe
Comfort in your presence
My world is at ease

I cannot but smile
I haven’t been this ...
                   at peace
For quite some time

At last I have found
Someone to treasure
To have and to hold
From this day - forever

She tastes like a piece of heaven
Captured in a human body
Soft and sweet beneath my tongue
Fingers in my hair or her mouth on my neck
The way she sinks into my arms
The blissful euphoria of her touch
And the way she moves,
A memory of madness and delight,
Sounds that make my heart flip and my jaw drop,
An intoxication
A high
Love is indeed a drug
When I am caught between her legs
And reeling with the sensation of -
Desperate.  
Need.

She walks on moonlight
And in the purple dusk
In between those murky moments
just before the sun disappears
Bluest eyes
Seem to glow
Under that pale moon
and all those falling stars
Where smiles glow white
And man gives way to werewolf,
Under the cover of night,
All things
find an unnatural way about them
Be careful where those glowing eyes go,
Under pale moonlight,
Some things
Come to being
And they are more than just the lonely woods ...

The softened feeling of chapstick against a cheek
Where pressed her mouth to brush me quickly in surprise
The slightly dampened paste stuck against my face
A stamp I never want erased
I’d treasure it like an angels touch as
It is an Angel
My angel kissing me
Leaving a piece of herself to seep into my lips and to redden my cheeks  
Leaving me floating in the wake
Of her ethereal bliss
Longing
For her simplest touch
Once again

Someone tell me how to stop being afraid
Did u know
Stonewall
Was a riot
But rioting still happens
50 years later
The violence will never stop
And neither will the fear
Still fighting ignorance
50 years later
Someone tell my black friends how to stop being afraid
Did you know
Wars
Were fought for freedom
centuries ago
But we are.
Still.
fighting racism and bigotry.
Centuries later
The violence will never stop
And neither will the fear
Still battling inequality
Centuries later

why.
Are we still all afraid of each other?

i love being Alive.

i never thought I’d say that

But here I am

If life is a journey

I want to climb every single rock

And swim every single river

Just as long as I can be

Alive.

I never thought I’d want this

But here I am

To live, indeed, is a whirlwind

But it’s one I want to dance with

I am discovering

Brushing off love’s dust
Re-examining my roughened shell

I never knew love could feel safe
But there it is
Etched into my lover’s pottery

I never knew love could be pretty and kind
But there she is
Cleaning off my husk of a heart and glowing as she smiles

I don’t even think-
She knows-
Just what she’s done.
But there it is
My brightened clay  

No longer feeling dusty
No longer feeling fragile

She makes me feel beautiful
But I know
She will not let me break

so this is how it feels when love is truly returned...

Thoughts are fireflies
Burning in the darkness
Glowing most in our silence
We try to catch them
But there are always more
Thoughts are fireflies
They brighten children’s eyes
Bouncing about
in the captive jar of their minds
Thoughts are fireflies
Buzzing all night,
till we drift
At last
To sleep

"takes your breath away"

is a figure of speech

for.

when.

something is.....         beautiful

but i'm not sure.........               it's so good this time

to think without clarity
(a fuzziness inside)
to speak without correct words
(broken judgement)
to hurt without blood
(a head full of screaming)

washed up intelligence
equals
splintering headspace

is it shame or terror,
making it hard to see straight

to be perfect- without fail
and flawless- without fault

so the "shaping" starts

to be under pressure
and
bent backwards by error

squeezed in a box

by the creation
of
your own two hands

cut up and bound

as we shave off our skin
to fit the box
we are told, we belong in

but humans don't fit in boxes

so all that remains
of the shaved up human
(trying desperately to fit in a box)

is nothing- but blood and flesh
is all things- but whole

a window left open
a soul feeling light
my heart-
expanding again
light-
cleansing me

you wash all in color
and
i cannot imagine
wanting
any other

there is only you.
for me.

When you need to he(a)r
"I love you"
All I want to do is tell you.       (again. and. again.)

I will kiss the words back into you
A(l)ong every scar on your body
Till you understand my love through and through

I will speak it every day,
When you're crying or in pain
I'll take your hand and those three (w)ords-
I will again say

I will write it on paper,
p(a)rchment, napkins, and sticky notes.
All throughout your world-
Just so-
you get reminders that:
                                                  I Love You

and maybe

if i'm luck(y)

and i play my cards right

i'll keep seeing your (s)pecial sort of smile-
every once.
                        in a while.

I don't think I'd notice
the pain in my chest
even if
there was a hole through my breast

a knife
or a bullet
stuck in my side
would be easier still to hide

ignoring my anxiety
building in my head.
a fountain.
water.
drowning............................

no
not.
no­.
ok.
i guess-
here we go again.

quickplugtheholes        donthavetimetoskipaline       bottlethatshitup
get
me
out

no
no

stopped
the leaks in the side of my brain are plugged

I'm Okay.....

till i drop from blood loss. or explode. the rising waters in my head. pounding against my temples. then. i guess. i'll have to confront that ***** who stares me back in the mirror.

I am not daunted by your darkness
I am not shattered by your pieces
I do not stumble on your shards
Nor trip on your sharp edges

What you hold
I long to have
A loving touch
A soothing glance
A sharpened knife
Or braided whip

I do not flinch at pain
Only at rejection
I will not disappear
At the sight of your wounds

I offer only
Outstretched arms
For you are mine
And I do not fear the dark that
Treads in your wake

More than you know:
It’s not condescending
It’s just a phrase meant to frame my fizzy feelings
I swear I’m not washed up
(Though my use of words is slow)
Only a washed up poet
My words kinda crinkle together
Curses. Mounting. Lions-heads.
My feelings there pinned to a wall
Nailed to realism and limited reality
I am forced to find a set of words,
Which lessen the chains of limited speech-
There in I find;       I must say...
More than you know:
To throw off the restraints
On the confines of language-
For I love you more than you believe
And more than the limits of speech

I’ve rented a head
Just for the day
To get out and fall a stray
Shoved a fist
Right through your brain
Made a home
Inside your flesh
Constraints on your mind
While I chop off your fingers
And grind up your spine
To the sound of your shrieks
And the early night signs
I’m playing in-sanity of course
Did you think I was really ever (in)sane