I can’t be 19.
It’s just not possible
I can’t be
Nineteen-
What the ****?
How did I get here?
Where the **** are all the days go
Where the ****.
Who said
Who decided-
It was me that was to take the ******* family curse
It’s been passed down through all our white ****** medieval ancestors
Mental illness
Physical pains
All in the head
All in the body
All in the Spirit
I am all but my veins and I am all but
The controller
I feel
Helpless.

I can't be nineteen...
There’s no ******* way
It’s 10:34pm
There’s no ******* way
I’m going to
Watch
Seconds
Dis a pear
Until
No thing
I S
l e f t

I’m ******* 19.
In two hours.
Two Hours
nineteen....

i can’t turn nineteen
i just don’t believe i’ll make it...

ive never ******* been eighteen
or if i was i don’t remember...

How the **** am I supposed to survive another ******* year.

Action and reaction
Closing blinds and removing clothes
Energy engaged in creating synergy
Static electricity between-
Two bodies-
One soul to fuse
Forevermore

He looks like god
He is my god
Does he know it
The way I absolutely obsess over him
He is everything to me
I am so ******* attached
His claws are in my back and they dig into my stomach
I can feel him diving deeper deeper
Till he surfaces again
Coming up for air through the front of my rib cage
I cannot escape
And if I did
Well
I’m already dead
I could never be accepted
Anywhere else

I think I might be addicted to you
I was never in love
Only addicted to the feeling
Lusting after the highs
Crashing at the sight of the bottom
Yearning for any reason to hold on
Yearning for any reason to get back on
Riding the highs and lows
Buckling in on your rollercoaster of a romance
I will never stop seeking
What I had with you
I will never stop running
Back to you
Screaming so loud and banging on the gates
Let me ride!!!
I want to Feel Again
Let me ride
One last time

Addiction.
It’s not like love at all.
So what does love feel like?
I wonder...

Recently
I stopped taking the meds
Recently
I’ve begun to think
Life has feeling
Again
But it isn’t in a good way
Nights I would’ve spent knocked out cold-
I now spend crying
Alone and awake
Sleep gone
Love gone
Emptiness is a long lost friend
But she is one
I knew I must wave goodbye to
Forevermore

Recently
I realized
It is better to feel
Than have nothing at all

I’m going to pretend it’s improvement

If you’ve ever wondered:
The mind of a suicidal teen is not always
Empty.
Sometimes
It is so full andicantchangeanythingsoitryto
Release
But the release is usually red and ****** and messy and painful
I was told not to keep using this
‘Coping mechanism’
But it works
And it has worked for years

Why should I stop associating with the only friend who has ever looked death in the face
Glaring eyes of ******* steel
Reality on its edge
It brings me back
And it has yet to be beat by the violent voices

That’s more than I can say for the rest of the ‘coping mechanisms’ I have

Self harm.
That’s my friend’s name.
She has stood by me.
reminding me again and again-
YOU ARE ALIVE
FIGHT TILL YOU ******* DROP

I lost
The feeling.
Alive.
Desire doesn’t wander my streets
Or slide its hands down my thighs
Alive.
I lost the feeling
**** it I’ve lost the feeling-
Did Love play a game of hide and **** with Betrayal-
they both died off without a farewell monologue i suppose...
I lost
The feeling.
Alive
Has become a trickster.
It’s beautiful beautiful face so terribly corrupted-
By all that Kills-
Alas!
Alive
Hiding its (Will)
Forever an inch away from me
In the dark -
Sometimes-
It dances above my head
Just to tease me...

I’ve lost the feeling
I’ve lost the will to stay alive

I think
I might die
Soon

I don’t know
How to
Love
Anymore
But my body
Remembers
The action
So
I will do
It
Till I
Remember
How It Feels

I started kissing this girl
They grew on me and turned my brain into butterflies-
Flying all over her flowers-
But I am just moss
Growing on her tree
I am a parasite.
Leeching out all their good
I am...
Unstable.

Now we are dating

I’m still not sure if this is a good idea.

Medications to help me sleep
Medication to help me breathe
Medication to help me be-
Just a little less
Empty

Why am I still so empty

I can feel my body giving out-
I can’t stand still you see-
It’s the involuntary spasms
amusing themselves with me
My heart rate is a mile a minute
Shaky hands when I paint
Jumpy nerves when I drive

My mind moves calmly through time
Without feeling real at all...

For such an anxious body
My mind is so empty

Stay
******
Inside my bones
It’s empty
In here
We know
God is dead
And the Devil
runs rampant
Staying ******
Seldom sober
Wandering mind
Stationary body
In space without moving
Floating up-
Up
Further
Till all I feel
Is consumed.
Staying
******
Inside my bones
I still am...
So alone.

I’ve given up
All those pretty packaged dreams
A future
A lover
Hope
All are lost to my dissipated and medicated desire

All I want now
Is to be high
Higher than I’ve been before
Dancing alone
At 3am
On a Tuesday night
No party in sight
Only lights on
are in my head
And the blinding white
of my phone screen and anime

Lonely highs
Are truly a new low

The other thing
The other thing people should know Is that
I am not emotional -
Emotionally available
Emotionally stable
Emotionally aware-
Emotional.
****.
I’m ******* emotional again.
All the time
And I can turn it off
But it comes back
And that Is the other thing
You see
The other thing
Led me to the psychiatric ward of an LA hospital

I have always liked my eyes
Why now
Are they so hollow
They used to be a brilliant blue
Now they are equally red
And the veins Seem to be
on
The
Edge
Of bursting
the purple under my eyes...
You could not compete
no leftover bruise or dying man
Has the purple and red eyes
Of a suicidal individual

I know you’re the one
I’m not always happy about it
But I know it’s true
There is no one but you
To make me feel this way
Or stand beside me
when everything turns to blood
I know you’re the one
Because when I die
I want my bones wrapped up besides you
we can lay together for eternity
All others
Disappearing and decaying
Till only the souls are left
Intertwined forever
I know you’re the one
You hold me and kiss me in ways
No one could ever hope
To compete with
All at once
I am safe and so complete-
Lost in your eyes of ocean waves and the deep sea at night

I know you’re the one

There’s no great metaphor or language for it
There is only
the deep understanding
The secret tongue
written on my innermost body
All of it
Screaming out
Crying out
Laughing and weeping
Hysterical
Over keeping you

I know you’re the one
Even when I don’t want you to be

Especially
When I don’t want you to be.

I hate the things
I let you do to me
I hate the way
My body boils
For your pleasure
I hate the way
I love to burn myself
Alive
For the sound of your laughter
I hate the way
You only love me
When no one watches
And I hate the way
I am nothing
But so desperately want to be something
That I let you
Step all over my heart

I hate the way I am so ******* broken
Over and over

I can’t pretend
I’m not totally
Infatuated
With someone who
Never sees
Me
Or anyone
But himself
And
I can’t pretend
This boy isn’t the love of my life
Because
He will never
Leave the insides of my skull
He is embedded in my bone
I wear his memories like a coat
Sometimes warm sometimes heavy
I would love him
Till I pass beyond the veil of night and death
He would be the kindness of the dark
And the handsome mouth
That kisses me to sleep

At my last breath

I can pretend
I hate every second I see you
Or that
I don’t cry every moment I’m apart from you

But I Can’t pretend
I don’t love every inch of you

Just as you are

It seems to switch
I feel so happy
Then I can’t breathe
My head’s all cloudy
Covered in stars and thorns
I walk above the earth
Then down into the pit
My brain is full of melodies
Singing songs of death
Arbitrary love story
With a sickness at the end
Turning all else sour
In the light of its decay  
Even the memories
Seem to fade away
Leaving only-
The swinging set of my emotions
Covering me in crimson
And destroying the stability
I had established

After many months of normal
I am back to being desperate

Manic
Depressive
Dead Or Alive
i will do my stupid ****
And bleed to death on the roadside
Or die of an overdose
Or maybe
I’ll finish nine things in one day
Wouldn’t that be great.
Manic
Depressive
Dead Or Alive

Satisfied
God-
you bring it to a new level
In a way I’ve never experienced
Every inch is like imagination rewritten
My fingers on ur back....
Mouth on yours
Without fail, you bring me to my knees
So
Completely
Overcome

You have made my whole life complicated
And still
Everything is always more bright with you
I feel real
When I can kiss your cheek
Your hands
Wipe away the stress from my head
I want to pour all the love I have
Into a vase
And give it to you
You are more entangled in me
Than any other boy could ever be
I still love you
Even when there’s no chance
of you even wanting me

I still stall on your words
And I still love every inch of you
But I can see you disappearing
And it’s breaking my heart

Even though I have you as mine-
Again-
You are as far from Mine
as you ever have been

I have to remember
Not to break people
They are A lot more messy than
Things

And I’ll feel guilty
For all of eternity
For breaking you.

Closeness without connection is an
Absolute
*******
Train wreck
i have never been so uncomfortable with him
As I am now
I can see in his body language
The way he is present in his body
But not with his mind
I long to bring him back to me

How can I explain
Even after a year of those brilliant kisses
I still stutter on ever one
I’m sorry I was so stupid
Sitting there like a fool
I struggle to speak
To tell you
You are all I want
I love your kisses
But god how they create such warmth
It makes my mind get fuzzy
And my mouth tingle
My body is melting ice
My tongue is totally twisted
You make me
Such an idiot

Do it again please

I’m back to listening to punk
Punk and death metal
They’ve become comforting again
Noise is the only weapon-
When the Quiet is the only creature accompanying you-
Quiet and peace have never been acquainted
Not in my life.
When the Quiet sets in
That’s when I know it’s about to get worse
After the Quiet
Comes the voices
The problem is:
The voice of death and depression do not wander in with noise
It’s only when the night is still and my mind is empty
They come to make their home
Punk and death metal have saved my life
Once
Twice
And now they will do it a third time
The Noise is always faithful
Even as the Quiet is always drowning

I can feel the burning
in the back of my brain
The warmth
unkindly using my cells as kindling

Jealousy and sorrow
Are close friends
They feed off each other
And their chemicals form wildfires
In my mind
My jealousy and sorrow have become-
All consuming

He slept with them
Someone I don’t even know
Someone prettier
Someone kinder
Someone who tasted like lust and candy

Did you like it when your mouth was kissing its way down their body?
Or did you only think of me?
For how could that be the case if you continued.
Did they say your name in that way you like?
Is that what made you want to hear it in bed?

He slept with them
And I can’t even be upset
Because I understand why

And it’s my fault.

Still I am left wondering
Will I taste as sweet?
Or look as good?
Does my face need fixing or my body need shrinking?
Will I love as well as they?

Is my love undesirable?
Am I undesirable?

For how could you desire them in a matter of days
But turning back to me say
“I do not want you in that way”

I think I am lesser.
Perhaps I must accept that...

My mind is still burning.
It will not reduce.

It hasn’t become easier
My head is still full of sad thoughts
My heart is still heavy
I still cry when I’m alone
I am alone often

Unlike him
He is with everyone and anyone he can get his hands on
I don’t know the ****** context
I just mean
Company
He is never alone
So he is never sad

I am always alone
Even when I’m with others
I am empty
An empty shell
Drained of everything
By his hands
A hollow creature cannot house anyone or anything
Only loneliness

So though I have kept busy,
It’s been barely,
And certainly
Not enough
To drown out the sound of self hatred and remorse
...
Sadness is the only friend that seems to be able to fill my hollow husk
Perhaps that is because it is empty as well

You are the dearest creature to me
I didn’t know if you’d come back

Yet, here you are
I can reach out
Through time
And in a day
Your hand could be in mine

Dear god
I hope your hand is in mine

I have hope
And it refuses to wither away
Or be drowned out
It breathes in my ear

I miss him
I miss him
I miss him

I cannot let go of the chance
To have you again
And the desperate desire to keep you

Though I am reaching for the stars
I have hope
He’ll reach down to my mortal realm
And let me touch his heavens
Once again

I cannot read the future
But I hope (with time)
He may come to trust me

So, I will rebuild the broken shambles
Of my home
In his bed of starlight
And I will Never burn it down again.

I am too indulgent
Too much
Too self pitying
And
Prone to mood swings
Stubborn to the point of blindness
I am likely to be a substance abuser
And a lover without any tact

I believe poetry
Can make anyone blind
To their own deep pain
It can romanticize
Even a self loathing *******
As myself
Even if
It should not

Artists are cursed
Artists are cursed to wallow in their own sadness
They enable the darkness inside themselves
we are afraid of permanent happiness
For is not the best art made by the broken

I’m no good at being alone
No good at all
I want to do anything to leave my brain behind
It plagues me
It is an irreversible disease
Binding itself
As a parasite does
To my body
I am the host for this irrefutable nightmare
The walking disaster
One word away from break down, panic, or manic
My brain won’t leave me in peace
I hate being alone
Because being alone is not truly alone
It is still me and my brain
And now there’s no buffer
Only us
Going head to head in a match to the death-
My suicide or my depleting health
There is no winning for the host
Only the disease can win
The brain I was given had potential
But it was malformed and prone to infection
Now I am stuck with it
Slowly eating away at my physical health
my mental health is nonexistent
I cannot get away
And that is why I hate being alone
Because I am not diseased or infected and there is no leech feeding off my blood
It is only my mind
And I can blame no one but myself for my brain’s lack of inhibition or stable dopamine supply

Brokenness of the heart
Is an infected wound
It will not heal like a cut or a piercing
The mind and heart become sick off the pain and the mourning

My numb little shell
I’m trying to tell the truth
I am the bad guy
I know I’m the villain
It bothers me when people try to
Make me feel better
For the ****** things I’ve done
A villain’s actions are not compromised
There are no pathetic attempts of
Following the better path
Only the destruction of the good remains
When you have done evil to another
Accept it
Throw pride away
Quake in fear at what you have caused
And then pick up
And start all over
Even if you have work twice as hard to rebuild

He told me:

Talking with people is like...
This thing that
I both hate and love
Simultaneously
It’s as though I am a lump of clay
Attempting to understand a creature of heaven

And yet

Some days
People seem
So silly and
Insignificant
I can read them all
And I see no point in me-
A god-
Lowering myself to commune with the lost dead

Feeling lonely
Losing the love of your life
Feels
Lonely
Everything that once was so full-
Of them-
Is suddenly
Empty.
And you are left.

Feeling lonely.

Perhaps you are not even totally alone
You could be surrounded by the masses
But you’re still
Lonely
That space they took up in your life
Is now void
Once again
And all the nights-
When the world is partying, working, or fast asleep-
Are without their fingers in your hair
And their arms around your waist
All the mornings-
The early times when you are still blurry in the eyes and the mind-
Are without their small kisses
Or their midnight murmurs
The way they talk in their sleep
The way they look so at peace or smile in dreamland

All Gone.

So
You are left
Feeling lonely
In the liminal spaces of life
Where nothing ever existed but them
In the holes they filled
The sand of time spills out
And you are gaping open-
Wide-
Again.
Losing the love of your life
Feels
Lonely
So so ... lonely

I don’t want to be your girl
But
I also don’t want to be anyone’s girl
Anymore
Maybe a girlfriend
But lover is more appealing
I don’t want to be a girl
Anymore
At least
Some of the time
I’m somewhere between heaven and hell
When I get called pretty girl
I want to be Pretty
But not a Girl
I want to be admired
But without the constructs of social gender
I just want
To be desired
As a Woman or a Man
As a Person or Human
But not as a Female or a Male Distinctly
How do I meet the standard of social desirability
Without
The pressure of a binary box

“Family”
Vacation

Road
Trippin’

I wish I was tripping
I left my ****
It’s been an hour
And I’m regretting that decision

“Family”
Vacation

Good
Times

Filled with
Screaming Yelling Argument
And of course
Judgement

Yes indeed
These are the good times
For us as a “family”
Times that
Of course
We will all remember “forever”
Because “Family” is “forever”

and inevitably
If I do remember it forever-
So will my future psych ward nurse

I feel like I’m ******* drowning again
All over again
Drowning in myself
Drowning in the lack of him
Drowning in the immense space between us
I took so many hits last night I shook and spasmed for two hours before I could sleep
But at least I wasn’t thinking about him
It’s okay
I’m not drowning
I’m okay
I’m not drowning
I’m not drowning
I’m not drowning
I’m not
Drowning
Drowning
Drowning
Drowning

Quiet repentance
Sitting at the edge of the bed-
Or lying face down-
Sometimes there are tears
But mostly it’s just apathy
Quiet temptation causes quiet repentance
Just as small teardrops of blood rise to the surface
Pocket knives and silent death-
Despair.
After the fact,
Quiet repentance takes place...
Even as the fingers clasped in prayer, are the finger still covered in crimson

I don’t need poetry
Or any other outlet
When I’m happy

But I need it so desperately
when I’m destroying myself

I am trying to stabilize myself
It becomes increasingly difficult
As the boat of reason
Floating in a wild sea of emotional meltdown
Becomes more and more worn by the waves
I often find myself wondering-
Why?
Why do I have so many ups and downs?
Why are the waves engulfing my little boat one day
and yet on others-
My boat is a yacht and I am unconcerned ...
I am trying to stabilize myself
I cannot tell if it is working
But I am trying

I hope when he goes
He knows
He will be the subject of my poetry
And the center of my affections
Till all else dwindles away
And the emotions
Like him
Disappear into the deep darkness
Inside the hollow place
Under my skin
And beneath my cage of human bone
I hope he knows
My affirming words were real-
When I wrote or spoke
And so was my happiness-
During our time
And all the sorrow-
When he leaves
For indeed,
The sorrow,
Will be the most deep set reality of all.
Though he might never see it for himself.
After all,
That is what happens when you leave someone.

You are in everything
I suppose it’s inevitable
Because
I loved you for so long
You have become everything
All around me
There is nothing left but you
Deep inside me
Consuming me
Turning circles around my head
The way the sky looks at night
It’s still you
The way every love song sounds like a wedding tune
It’s still because of you
The way I cry and destroy myself to fight the regret eating at my insides
It’s still
You.
It’s always you
And I can’t escape it.

I miss you
I was doing so well
Without you
And now I miss you
All over again
It hurts so deeply
That you are falling out of love with me
And there’s nothing
I can do
To get you back

I was doing okay
Then I did the stupid thing
I went to talk to you again

What a waste of care
And love
And time
And effort

Now I’m not okay
And I don’t know if I will be
I’ve never been this anxious before in my entire life

I can’t write anything happy
So I will not even try.
My one light is gone.
Snuffed out
Perhaps forever-
Through my own stupidity-
And I will wallow in that
If not in person-
For I will not be a burden-
Then in the privacy of my poetry.
Online.

Not so private after all.

Holding his hand
so close to me
I feel so warm
His hands are strong
But still kind and gentle
sometimes calloused
I hold their hand
For all of time
Just to trace
The veiny surface
And feel his heart beat
Through his wrist
To have and to hold
My hand in theirs
Forever more
This
Is my dreamland
For when that handsome creature touches my face
I can see the stars
and every happy future
Dancing in their eyes
I am safe.
At last.

I had a dream
It was the muddy kind
Where everything is dull
And all your movements are slow-
But your perception is not-

Which only makes it more painful

Because when they set up the punchline
You see it coming
But can’t do anything

About the upcoming punch

And the most horrid-
Scattered parts-
Seem to linger on you
For the longest of time

Luckily, I got out-
Awakened from my dreams-
To avoid seeing my own death

I’m awake now
I think.