My numb little shell
I’m trying to tell the truth
I am the bad guy
I know I’m the villain
It bothers me when people try to
Make me feel better
For the ****** things I’ve done
A villain’s actions are not compromised
There are no pathetic attempts of
Following the better path
Only the destruction of the good remains
When you have done evil to another
Accept it
Throw pride away
Quake in fear at what you have caused
And then pick up
And start all over
Even if you have work twice as hard to rebuild

He told me:

Talking with people is like...
This thing that
I both hate and love
Simultaneously
It’s as though I am a lump of clay
Attempting to understand a creature of heaven

And yet

Some days
People seem
So silly and
Insignificant
I can read them all
And I see no point in me-
A god-
Lowering myself to commune with the lost dead

Feeling lonely
Losing the love of your life
Feels
Lonely
Everything that once was so full-
Of them-
Is suddenly
Empty.
And you are left.

Feeling lonely.

Perhaps you are not even totally alone
You could be surrounded by the masses
But you’re still
Lonely
That space they took up in your life
Is now void
Once again
And all the nights-
When the world is partying, working, or fast asleep-
Are without their fingers in your hair
And their arms around your waist
All the mornings-
The early times when you are still blurry in the eyes and the mind-
Are without their small kisses
Or their midnight murmurs
The way they talk in their sleep
The way they look so at peace or smile in dreamland

All Gone.

So
You are left
Feeling lonely
In the liminal spaces of life
Where nothing ever existed but them
In the holes they filled
The sand of time spills out
And you are gaping open-
Wide-
Again.
Losing the love of your life
Feels
Lonely
So so ... lonely

I don’t want to be your girl
But
I also don’t want to be anyone’s girl
Anymore
Maybe a girlfriend
But lover is more appealing
I don’t want to be a girl
Anymore
At least
Some of the time
I’m somewhere between heaven and hell
When I get called pretty girl
I want to be Pretty
But not a Girl
I want to be admired
But without the constructs of social gender
I just want
To be desired
As a Woman or a Man
As a Person or Human
But not as a Female or a Male Distinctly
How do I meet the standard of social desirability
Without
The pressure of a binary box

“Family”
Vacation

Road
Trippin’

I wish I was tripping
I left my ****
It’s been an hour
And I’m regretting that decision

“Family”
Vacation

Good
Times

Filled with
Screaming Yelling Argument
And of course
Judgement

Yes indeed
These are the good times
For us as a “family”
Times that
Of course
We will all remember “forever”
Because “Family” is “forever”

and inevitably
If I do remember it forever-
So will my future psych ward nurse

I feel like I’m ******* drowning again
All over again
Drowning in myself
Drowning in the lack of him
Drowning in the immense space between us
I took so many hits last night I shook and spasmed for two hours before I could sleep
But at least I wasn’t thinking about him
It’s okay
I’m not drowning
I’m okay
I’m not drowning
I’m not drowning
I’m not drowning
I’m not
Drowning
Drowning
Drowning
Drowning

Quiet repentance
Sitting at the edge of the bed-
Or lying face down-
Sometimes there are tears
But mostly it’s just apathy
Quiet temptation causes quiet repentance
Just as small teardrops of blood rise to the surface
Pocket knives and silent death-
Despair.
After the fact,
Quiet repentance takes place...
Even as the fingers clasped in prayer, are the finger still covered in crimson