I don’t need poetry
Or any other outlet
When I’m happy

But I need it so desperately
when I’m destroying myself

I am trying to stabilize myself
It becomes increasingly difficult
As the boat of reason
Floating in a wild sea of emotional meltdown
Becomes more and more worn by the waves
I often find myself wondering-
Why?
Why do I have so many ups and downs?
Why are the waves engulfing my little boat one day
and yet on others-
My boat is a yacht and I am unconcerned ...
I am trying to stabilize myself
I cannot tell if it is working
But I am trying

I hope when he goes
He knows
He will be the subject of my poetry
And the center of my affections
Till all else dwindles away
And the emotions
Like him
Disappear into the deep darkness
Inside the hollow place
Under my skin
And beneath my cage of human bone
I hope he knows
My affirming words were real-
When I wrote or spoke
And so was my happiness-
During our time
And all the sorrow-
When he leaves
For indeed,
The sorrow,
Will be the most deep set reality of all.
Though he might never see it for himself.
After all,
That is what happens when you leave someone.

You are in everything
I suppose it’s inevitable
Because
I loved you for so long
You have become everything
All around me
There is nothing left but you
Deep inside me
Consuming me
Turning circles around my head
The way the sky looks at night
It’s still you
The way every love song sounds like a wedding tune
It’s still because of you
The way I cry and destroy myself to fight the regret eating at my insides
It’s still
You.
It’s always you
And I can’t escape it.

I miss you
I was doing so well
Without you
And now I miss you
All over again
It hurts so deeply
That you are falling out of love with me
And there’s nothing
I can do
To get you back

I was doing okay
Then I did the stupid thing
I went to talk to you again

What a waste of care
And love
And time
And effort

Now I’m not okay
And I don’t know if I will be
I’ve never been this anxious before in my entire life

I can’t write anything happy
So I will not even try.
My one light is gone.
Snuffed out
Perhaps forever-
Through my own stupidity-
And I will wallow in that
If not in person-
For I will not be a burden-
Then in the privacy of my poetry.
Online.

Not so private after all.