I had a dream
It was the muddy kind
Where everything is dull
And all your movements are slow-
But your perception is not-

Which only makes it more painful

Because when they set up the punchline
You see it coming
But can’t do anything

About the upcoming punch

And the most horrid-
Scattered parts-
Seem to linger on you
For the longest of time

Luckily, I got out-
Awakened from my dreams-
To avoid seeing my own death

I’m awake now
I think.

My arms feel like lead pipes -
Hollow metal husks
The passage for heated blood to travel my body

The bones were not strong enough
Nor was the mind
But metal is unfeeling
it will not melt when the heat of blood and rage pumps

I like to imagine
The weight inside of my arms (and my legs and my head and my heart) is metal-
Holding me up-
Even if I am lying to myself

I feel as though I have wandered alone
Even when I was not

Blood roaring in my ears
Reverberating rush from the pipes of under my skin
The metal and the blood
Weighing me down

So much weight
I do not know that my unstable flesh and defeated skeleton can hold up any longer
The strength of the cold metal is not helping me in my fight
As I thought it could

I miss him
I’ve taken to imagining him beside me when I get lonely or really anxious
I don’t talk out loud or anything
But it usually makes me feel better
Or I cry
One or the other

I feel so pathetic right now.
That could just be the drinking.

Something happy.... something.... happy...
I can remember happy things

I think

I never told you but I wrote about you
For therapy
I felt silly
But it made me happy
I wrote about our picnic
When we had dated for only a year
It felt like forever
But it was a good forever
I wish I could go back to that

I feel broken
Like little pieces
All over again.

Whole
But still ugly and stupid-
I truly never learn-
I broke myself
And him
So, I will pick up the shards
All over again.

I couldn’t stop to think
Or step away
I had to break it
Once more
I am destroying it
All over again.

But in the end
It will be okay
Because this has occurred before
And I can will myself back together
All over again.

So the cycle will repeat itself
And I will still be stupid and ugly
Just a little more facade to paint anew
And I will pretend to be whole
All over again.

I can’t sleep anymore
It’s getting too hard
I just lay in bed
My eyes turn red with the clock
And my chest can feel the weight growing
The weight of ghosts haunting-
The space around my body-
I can feel their weight
It presses down on my chest
And my arms
And my legs-
It’s you-
laying with me
But it is not comforting
The way it used to be
You are a ghost
Memories and broken feelings
Melding into a weight-
A ghost-
Laying on my chest
And in my arms
You are the ghosts and the weight
You are all my sleepless nights
And I am your haunted house