Putting many miles in the rear view mirror
Off I left working on making my life all the more clearer.
Dragging left hand on the wall again,
This time it’s all the more complex.
In a matter of minutes I’ll be doing toe tag checks.
Fresh cadaver held me up
Out there eyes came and into a sterile cup.
Given visions to the blind
How I wish they were my favorite aunts kind.
Needle through the glass thirty eight degrees Fahrenheit
Inside you all lay and with no light.
The door was pulled losing its vacuum.
Breaking this seal was better than on a bottle of
Crown Royal Cask number sixteen!
A frozen slumber party inside yes I did see.
All but one with my two hands it took to count all of thee.
Capacity of friends allowed inside,  a maximum of only fifteen!
Sudden Blast of cold air turned all my body hair into needles
Like the quills on a porcupine or a cactus in the desert.
Moving the bodies all around,
I’m looking for number one.
I trapped myself in, now look what I done.
Found the man I came looking for,
Now I have to figure out, how to get him to the door.
In a split second I shattered the games all time high score.

(CARSr.5-31-12)

Quiet.
It's something I thought I would never enjoy.
The lack of noise.
I couldn't stand the sound of the pounding of my heart.
Noise. Always noise.
Always boisterous boasting
cleverly roasting egos
(on more occasion than one, my own.)
Speaking, complaining
and
not necessarily
communicating.
But the hum of the fan just now...
I turned it down
to hear the quiet
not quite silence.
The hum of the city.
It makes me miss the still
absolute oblivion
that sometimes exists
in the country.
But, even then,
the time is thin
to sit undisturbed.
Three years is just long enough to learn
to love to learn...
and I have learned
how to be grateful
for more than just
quiet.

A deception.
A declaration sundry will not take seriously,
nor myself.

"I won't do it this time".

But I will, and I'll try,
and again I will cry
when I tally the cost to my health.

False and hollow ardor
freely given,
taste like salt and worn sighs.

Despite my disdain
I join your refrain
and you shift your gaze when I look in your eyes.

Mistreated,
I've been defeated again
you don't believe me
even though I am scared
You don't see that
of course
you weren't there
"You are wrong
and that is that."
is all I hear
Now I fear
I still have no trust
with you
or myself
So many things
I can never do right
Not for you,
not in my life
You still won't believe
that I can be
telling the truth
for you to hear
to see that I can
be trusted, once again.

lie face down on the floor.
feel gravity pulling down
every part of your body.
breathe.
tell yourself
"this is real.
this is real.
this is my life."
breathe.

You seem to be fading away from my life
Please don't go
Please don't leave me alone to drown in this dark abyss

But then I see a light
And following that, more lights
Those lights are glimmers of joy in my friends' eyes.
Lights that help me see that this dark abyss is filled with life

Beautiful evergreens never to die,
Grass as green as emeralds,
A clear sky filled with hope and joy,
And a bright sun that sustains life.

But as stars explode and die,
The glimmer of eyes begin to fade
All who once surrounded me are turning and leaving
I cry "Don't leave me!!" but none can hear
Although I plead and plead,
There is no change
"This suffocating lonliness.... Don't let it envelope me!"
But all are gone now

The evergreens become surrowfull, lifeless willows
The grass turns to ash
The sky is now gray with despair
The sun vanishes from sight,
Leaving everything to die
Just as all others did to me

I guess this is my destiny.

Missing you feels like
A hole- emptiness inside.
Only heavier.