"When I was Growing Up"

Cocky boy, fresh of nineteen,
Kept his sense of power keen.
Muscular arms, sureful smile,
Every ******* his phone's speed dial.

"Hey Big Bro," his brother said,
"Come tuck me in, it's time for bed."
The boy just shrugged, saying "Do it yourself,
When I grew up, I didn't have help"

So he went to bed peacefully that night,
Without putting up much of a fight,
Pillow touching his bearded face,
Thoughts as far away as outer space.

"Wake up, wake up, it's time for school."
"Mom, I drive, you think I'm THAT uncool?"
"Get up now, you know you can't drive,
Only fifteen years you've been alive!"

He looked into the mirror, and then he saw,
He looked so young, and wasn't very tall.
His muscles gone, you could see his bones.
A Gameboy took the place of his phone.

As he began to get ready, his mom was still home.
"Son, you're too young to be here alone."
She packed up the lunch he normally fixed,
He looked in the mirror and now he was six.

Why is this happening? What's going on?
All the things he once had were now gone.
He tried to look in the mirror, but he was too short,
Now he sat in the living room, in a blanket fort.

His brother laughed, he was much older.
The boy was tiny, not even up to his shoulder.
Mom was outside getting into her Viper,
And he just realized, he'd wet his diaper.

An uncomfortable feeling, he begged to his brother,
"Please change my diaper, I don't see mother."
His brother replied, "Hey kid, tough luck,
I didn't have anyone help me when I grew up."

The boy was so helpless, in embarrassed dismay,
If his friends saw him now, what would they say?
He woke up, saw his brother, gave the mirror a stare,
Stroked the beard on his face and decided to care.


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"Color Me In"

My life was a dull gray,
A soft monotone.
Till you came into my life,
And gave part of your own.

The colors appeared to me,
One by One.
As you showed me their meaning,
My life had begun.

Color me red,
Of passion, of blood.
Show me the intensity,
Your love like a flood.

Color me orange,
Electric and fire.
To be with you truly,
Is the one thing I desire.

Color me yellow
Of sunshine so bright.
Keep me so warm,
And hide away the night.

Color me green,
Of natural beauty.
The forest could never match,
What you do to me.

Color me blue,
Of the ocean's high tide.
It's not as great as my love,
And not nearly as wide.

Color me purple,
Like flowers in the field.
This isn't a dream,
This time it's real.

In a world of black and grey,
Color seems so unreal.
It's like fantasy to me,
How you make me feel.

I'll paint you a picture,
To show what you've done.
No more black and white,
You gave me the sun.

-------------------------------------------

Dressed head to toe in army gear
He'd cut his hair and shaved his beard
He brushed the brown hair out of her face
For one more  time, he'd get her taste
He looked at her for one last time
Neither wanted to say goodbye
So he held her there as long as he could
Saying baby i'll be alright
It felt as if she couldn't let go
But how would she know
If her baby was safe and if he was okay.
So that night she got on her knees and prayed
God, up in heaven.
Keep him safe and let him know
I'll be here waiting wherever he goes.
Help me grow and stay strong
Help these years not seem so long
I'll be okay here all alone
Until time for him to come back home.
He wrote to her from different places
Saying after seeing all these faces
I wish one could be yours.
I'm holding out over here,
But one things sure, I miss you dear,
My arms feel empty cause
This gun can't replace you.
She wrote to him
Scribbled out in pen
The words I love you
Please come back home.
And she prayed,
God, up in heaven.
Keep him safe and let him know
I'll be here waiting wherever he goes.
Help me grow and stay strong
Help these years not seem so long
I'll be okay here all alone
Until time for him to come back home
Three years passed, living in letters,
She was all grown up and changed for the better
About to check the mail when a car pulled in
A roughed up boy in army green
She couldn't believe what she'd seen
After all these years, he'd come home.
She wrapped her arms around that man
Saying I'll never let you leave again
He said, doll, don't worry,
He smiled, pulled a ring out
Said, baby this is what love is about,
Will you be my wife?
She didn't even have to think
Eyes filled up with tears and her cheeks turned pink
Like out of a book,
Her dream came true.
She didn't ever know what to do
But she kissed his lips and yes
And as she walked down the aisle in her dress,
She knew that he was home to stay
But she still remembered those nights she'd prayed
God, up in heaven.
Keep him safe and let him know
I'll be here waiting wherever he goes.
Help me grow and stay strong
Help these years not seem so long
I'll be okay here all alone
Until time for him to come back home
My baby's come back home

_______________

"Daddy Why?"



Daddy, why'd you have to go.I sure would like to know Why you left mommy and me here alone.

Daddy why? Why'd you leave? Mommys on the floor crying And all I can do is grieve.

Daddy where'd you go?Won't you please tell me?Because that I don't know


Mommy wanted the pain to stop,Daddys racing time on the clock. Mommy wanted to be a better wife Now, Daddys fighting for his life.It makes me wonder where I stand,I just wish I could bring you home again.

Daddy, whats this I feel?I'm always sad, The pain is unreal.

Daddy, I know you hate it when I cry,But what do I do now?There's no one to wipe the tears from my eyes.

Daddy where are you?To find out I'd search the whole world through.


Mommy wanted the pain to stop,Daddys racing time on the clock. Mommy wanted to be a better wife Now, Daddys fighting for his life.It makes me wonder where I stand,I just wish I could bring you home again.

Daddy why? Eight years later I remember The day as I cry.

Daddy, is it true? Will you remember me?Cause I'll always remember you.


Mommy wanted the pain to stop,Daddys racing time on the clock. Mommy wanted to be a better wife Now, Daddys fighting for his life.It makes me wonder where I stand,I just wish I could bring you home again.

“Where did you get those marks on your arm?”
Instincts pulled the fabric down over the evidence.
I thought of giving my normal excuse:
My cat scratched the hell out of me.
Most people didn’t know that I didn’t even have a cat.
But people believed the lie.

I didn’t answer the girl’s question right away
And the silence that filled the space between us
Reminded me of when a stranger enters the elevator;
Neither of us talked or looked at each other.

I thought of telling the curious girl about my teenage years
And how it seemed a dark cloud seemed to hover about me;
Reigning over my head and sliding beneath my feet
Like a magic carpet, taking me to places I didn’t enjoy going.

I could have told her that often times I could feel
That terrible cloud becoming stronger and overwhelming me
Like turning on a faucet and warm water covering the bottom
Of the bathtub, inch by inch. I could feel it like that eerie feeling that comes
Before a big thunderstorm, starting near my feet and seeming to
Crawl up my legs as I tried to push it down and away.
But pushing it was like pushing a cloud of smoke, it swirled
To other parts of my body but it lingered around.

I thought about but didn’t tell the girl that I often
Laid in bed at night, staring up at the ceiling,
Imagining myself floating around the high walls of the church
Where my funeral shouldn’t have been held
Because of all the sins I’d dreamt of committing.
Suicide is considered a sin.

I pictured my mother crying, my brother trying to
Keep his composure; my friends who’d dressed in black and sat
In the church pews, keeping hold of the secret they’d known about.
I imagined a lot of hugging, and tears, but mostly I heard lies
That they’d tell about me:
“She was so young.”
“She had so much going for her.”
“It’s really too bad.”
“What a beautiful girl she was.”

I saw myself lying inside the casket, one half of the tube open,
Revealing my arms crossed in front of me,
My fingers laced in between the spaces of each other
As if I were praying much too late.

After discovering the scars upon my wrists,
I would be clothed in long sleeves to hide what everyone
Had been pretending not to see.
I didn’t tell the girl that I’d already seen my funeral.

She continued looking at me, waiting for the answer
To the question I’d hoped would never be asked.

I thought about telling her how I kept a thin, silver
Razor blade hidden inside my purse so when that dark
Cloud of smoke threatened, I could slice my way through.
I didn’t tell her that there was a time when I depended
On such a small, dangerous object. And I didn’t tell her that
I often grasped the metal like a lifejacket to keep me afloat
Amongst the raging waters that wanted to drown me.

I wanted to tell her that late at night after I was sure the house
Was asleep, I cried huge, heaving, silent sobs.
My pillow caught my tears and the blanket served as a Kleenex.
It was all I could do to hold back the truth of telling her that
I grabbed my life preserver many times and would drag the blade
Across my flesh, creating a ripple of red ink over my pale, white wrist;
A tear in the canvas of my body.

I thought about telling her that many nights
I drank too much alcohol and digested too many pills
And cut too deep.
I thought about telling her that I’d been lost and I tried
Finding myself by drawing maps over my wrist with a
Car that had seen too many miles in such a short amount of time.
I wanted to tell her that I made too many mistakes that I couldn’t
Take back; ones that I couldn’t hide or cover all the time.
But she wouldn’t understand.

So instead, I pushed my sleeve back up to the middle of my
Forearm where it’d been when she’d first asked,
Exposing the lines of flesh that had healed over but
Left a permanent scar of raised skin.
I ran my fingertips over it, feeling the wounds
Like a train moves over ridges of the railroad.

The girl’s eye’s studied my scars that I showed her.
I took her arm in my hand and traced my fingers over
Her own skin,
Then I took her hand and told her to do the same.
She did, then repeated the motion on mine.
Her cold fingers touched what I’d never wanted her to see.

We made eye contact again.
“Do you see how your skin has no bumps on it like mine?”
I asked her. She nodded her head in response.
“That’s how it’s supposed to be. Don’t ever think about ruining it.”
I told her.
She nodded her head again, too young to comprehend,
And turned around to run down the hallway.

I hadn’t ever thought my daughter would notice.

Ugly are your wings so drab and dark          
Softly bending against rippled bark  
Golden borders with spots of blue                
Dreary patterns of somber hue  
  
Mourningcloak you are a fraud        
A butterfly severely flawed  
Unbeautiful as your name implies    
The ugliest of all butterflies  
  
Mental illness makes for fragile wings  
Always falling short of better things  
A dolorous sight of stark despair  
And restless flights that go nowhere                          
    
Strange specimen caught in a net                  
To choose to live is to forget  
That life will end but death won’t come        
In the killing jar you just go numb  
  
Through rounded glass will life transform      
And taste so sweet of chloroform  
A soothing bane breathed in real deep          
Faint distractions drift fast asleep  
              
Isolation keeps you who you are                        
Death is endless in the killing jar  
Wings held outstretched on the spreading board    
Pass deathless moments where time’s ignored  
                                      
Pins pierce the body and puncture through                
To hold you here but you’re not you  
Pinned and labeled put on display                              
Pressed in a box and forced to stay  
  
Immortalized in a private case        
In solitude to hang in place  
Repulsive feckless Mourningcloak  
Now the symbol of life’s cruelest joke

Would you think less of me if I told you how much I want to kiss your thighs?
And your hip bones
And that v of skin
Feel the heat of your body that I can’t turn off
Even in the depths of winter,
Your warmth is in every cheek to cheek hug
Every brush of your hand over mine
We could be in the icy temperatures of the north pole and I would still feel a hotness in your fingertips when you pass me another layer
I’m a good girl
But looking at you makes me feel like I deserve a thousand detentions
I hope you know I love you when I think about your skin tight against mine
Your mouth hot on mine
My hands untucking your checked shirt
I refuse to call these thoughts *****
Because your body is so **** beautiful
The muddy soil around a bright flower doesn’t devalue its worth, does it?
I hope you know I think your heart is as powerful as the sun
You’re what burns every piece of wooden structure that holds my body stable
Human jenga
And even though you have no game plan,
You always win.