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Johnnie Rae Oct 2015
I am tired; sleep comes not easy
to the weary ones.
I wish for simplistic things,
sweetness dripping off lips like honey,
and maybe a numbing agent for my
over active senses.

Yet I am senseless
tripping back and forth between
composed and extreme.
Brainwaves falter when trying
to wrap themselves around your
beautiful mediocrity.
I wish for a way to explain how much
I love you still. Even though
I never should have in the first place.
Johnnie Rae Sep 2015
It seemed your hands could mold me
into whatever you deemed appropriate that week,
while I let you do whatever you pleased.
We collided at rapid speeds,
and neither of us would ever
accept blame for the damage done.
Now, after the destruction has ceased
to amuse you, you've moved on.
You've no bow, and no arrow,
but always a target, nonetheless.
Each one always harder than the last.

In the end, we'll still be friends
bound by mutual and situational obligations.
We'll run from the awkwardness
and try not to drown in the depths
of denial, for a little while.
After that, things will most likely be normal,
because astronomically, grudges aren't my forte,
and you're just oblivious to the pain
you've caused me. In the mean time,
I'm nobody's girl, and if you were to ever
come crawling back, it'd be something like
handing me your weapon so I could practice my own shot.
Johnnie Rae Sep 2015
I am not so much afraid of falling
as I am afraid of the sound my bones
would make against unforgiving pavement,
if you were to neglect to open your arms.
I apologize if I don't immediately
trust your charming smile, but in past
experience, behind a charming smile
lies an appreciation for liquor bottles
and the art of a good disappearing act.

If I seem wary of your good intentions
know it is only because I have experienced
abuse and neglect, and it isn't quite as easy
to get over as the self-help books say it is.
Because of this, sometimes I am distant.
Sometimes I create a spiny shell around
myself to keep from experiencing more of
what i have previously had to run away from.
or even suffer the loss of.

Sometimes I put more thought into my writing
than I do into my relationships because
after a countless streak of falters,
you begin to think that is all there is to expect.
I am sorry that I am damaged, and I
am also sorry that I would never expect
anyone to have the power to fix it.
As time has passed and I have been wrecked,
I lost the expectancy to be put back together again.

Though I hate to be alone, I will probably
push you away, trade you for the solitude of my
tiny bedroom. After being left time and time again,
I have been forced to leave, myself because
I would rather experience loneliness than heartbreak.
Funny thing is, I'm learning they are close to the same.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2015
Today I realized,
that sleep started avoiding me
as soon as you did,
and that thought has turned
my right brain into a fidgety mess,
and my left brain into mush.
You've killed my creativity,
and my sensibility,
all at once.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2015
Sleep deprived,
                      
In disguise,

Still alive.
Something my 10th grade English teacher made us do that has been stuck in my head ever since.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2015
The problem with writing
is sometimes the thoughts
rush through the pen so quickly
it leaves them indecipherable
the next morning.
My hands move too quickly,
and it makes the letters
loop violently like drunken slurs
under lamp posts at two in the morning.

Catastrophic.
Writing about the reasons I can
no longer trust
the time I surrendered myself
completely only to be left
dead in my tracks.
The first time I waived my
white flag and the
knife still entered my back.
Intoxicated lettering could
never completely explain.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2015
The past: the only thing
that cannot be rewritten
etched into timeline like
tattoos on skin.
Speaking of yesterday in clipped tones
hazed-over pupils
indulging in depressants
to stop the head rush.
We are habitual creatures,
though more than not the habit fades
walks away on legs that
creak with boredom
the sounds, we ignore them
knowing, they too will go away.
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