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Johnnie Rae Jul 2015
My head is a ward
of things unknown to the normal one.
Insults trace my skin preparing
for entrance.
Words like a knife to skin,
You poison the mind.
With the scalpel in hand,
You enter the black box in my head,
And hit record, preparing for
the end of me.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2015
She threw me for a loop.

She jumped off the wagon at full speed
and fell, like she wouldn't feel a thing
like cold, hard ground wasn't the enemy.

I couldn't rationalize her thinking.
Not if I tried for the same months
She spent struggling in that facility.

Not if I tried for the same lifetime,
She was supposed to spend fighting
and asking for the inner peace she needed to stay alive.

She threw me for a loop.

I'm spending my time looking for escape routes
trying not to end up at the bottom,
where she seemed to put herself willingly.

Forgetting all she fought for,
all the time she spent,
looking for a new beginning.

She threw me for a loop.

Now I'll spend my late nights
looking for the stability
she abandoned for yesterday's highs.

Solid ground must have meant nothing
compared to the excitement she found
in running from her worries.

My head throbs with the idea,
that she finds more comfort in toxicity
than she did in the sobriety that brought her back to me.

She threw me for a loop, and I'm still spinning.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2015
And if I am blessed with one,
you'll be the story I tell my daughter one day,
when she can't get out of bed,
because the boy who gave her everything,
is now the thought that is comparable to bones breaking.
I'll tell her about the boy I sat next to in math class,
the boy who made me fall in love
in the first two weeks of the tenth grade.
I'll tell her that you taught me what love was,
and then after 6 perfect months,
you taught me heartbreak.
I'll tell her how I cried every night,
for nearly two months straight.
But I'll also tell her it didn't last forever.
I'll make sure she knows; new love will come.
The boy that left her stranded,
won't always have a place in her heart.
She won't always feel the need
to drown his memory in whiskey.

What I won't tell her is
that the sound of your name still
makes me cringe
and if I could have you back,
I would by now.
Johnnie Rae Jun 2015
The greatest fable in life is time.
We created seconds, minutes, hours,
to be able to set goals to accomplish,
always making deadlines.
What we don't realize,
is we're running ourselves ragged
with our own lies.
So we get high,
just to get by
and forget life.
Create juicy gossip,
about the pills that we popped,
and the ***** that we copped,
and the tokes that we took
to forget the memories
we wish had never become reality,
or simply wish they never switched,
from present, to past tense.
Repeating endless cycles,
looking for imaginary life boats
to save us from the inevitable.
We are creatures that search for savior,
in the worst possible places,
never realizing when it's time,
to drop the syringes,
put down the bottles,
and pour out the **** water,
because it's time to get back to real life,
where people hurt,
and innocent die for
no good reason.
On the surface of breaking it,
and making it,
never knowing which one is
quite the right fit.
Questioning every decision,
under the suffocating weight of darkness,
that greets us with open arms,
in between dusk and dawn.
Praying for the comfort we've yet
to find in another living soul.
Coping with the use of things like,
depression medications, tear soaked napkins,
and the slowly dwindling fire that is hope.
We are the world's worst over thinkers,
the world's greatest sob stories.
We are the chances not taken,
and the finger-wrapped-around-telephone-wire-promises,
crushed under the crippling mass of despair.
We are a generation of ****-ups,
good for nothing more than
cutting our losses, and
running for the hills.
Johnnie Rae Jun 2015
There can't be anything better,
than fresh baked banana bread
filling the air on a sunday,
bright red hair dye staining my arms,
only after it dripped off
my mothers head and made
a home in my pores.
There can't be anything much better,
than quality time with a pen,
scratching against paper
like a dog to a screen door,
that hasn't been opened for too long.

I'm just now learning
how to open my windows again,
after locking them tight,
to hide from fresh air
because who wanted that
when you weren't there?
Who wanted sunlight to
touch skin that you now refused to?
I'm just now realizing
that you were only a mere beginning.
You left because you'd
done what you were meant to,
you helped an injured sparrow to fly,
after putting a splint on it's
fractured wings, and nursing it
back to true liveliness.
You did what you could
to make an old soul smile,
even when you couldn't.

I'm just now learning what it means
to live on my own again,
live without worrying about
who is there to help me next,
because you made me realize
that somethings can only be
done by yourself, and to take
pride in not needing anyone's help.
Tonight I fly on my own,
and take pride in the fact,
that I don't need anyone to catch me.

I'm just now realizing the dangers
of entering someone else's home,
and then trying to call it your own.
Someday they'll want that privacy back,
and who are you, to tell them no?
Johnnie Rae Jun 2015
Silence is like
maggots to rotting flesh,
***** to a rock hard liver,
and drought, in any area
other than the desert.
It hurts, more than it helps.

Yet still, I have
too much pride to beg
for your forgiveness,
and know still that it would
not do me any good.
Only add more scabs
to my scarring knee caps.
No, I know that I have to wait.
Wait until you're mature
enough to realize
that people, normal people
make mistakes.

Silence is like a life boat,
with a hole in the bottom,
hurts, more so than helps.
So when you jumped
out of the burning ship,
I was the one who sank.
Thanks.
Johnnie Rae Jun 2015
At some point in time,
we all scream into the endless void,
and expect to get an answer.

We are habitual creatures.

Creatures that believe in the impossible,
fight for the unattainable,
and reach too high.
This keeps us weighted.
It's life's way of saving us,
from falling a little too hard,
because we decided we were
invincible.
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