ill slam my head against the steering wheel and cry for as long as i want to
you only just told me about it inside anyway
who am i to react in front of you? and who gives a **** either way?
tell you what, i don't give two

at this point my knuckles are bleeding
from punching the shotgun seat of my corolla
because i still couldn't believe it, or at least i didn't want to

took the scenic route home from where i found out
gulped down enough xanax to **** a horse and i knew i was ready
head on, full collision, full impact

dead on arrival, still breathing, but dead; gone that is to say

the last glimpse of this world i can recall is  that of a small prism of light refracting off of my rearview mirror as i slammed into the guardrail

from what is sensible
i have derived that i am always covered in insects
rats burrow into my mattress at bedtime

i leave in the stingers
i let the bitemarks speak for themselves

because i am sinking
oh god
i am drowning
breathing is more about lung capacity and less about bubbles

i hold my breath and wait

My captain lived by the parkway
and he couldn't stand the sound of cars crashing at night
the roar and thunder triggered him
but he always loved having a front seat view

My parole officer is lost somewhere in Arkansas
They say Camel is the devil's brand
That's what my neighbor said
two days later
he was dead

all you have to do is pay bills and fall over

******* on the assembly line workers
with your corporate grin

let it incriminate you

i sense a body in the room
i feel the corporeal warmth
but i keep falling over

gross motor movement portrayal proving itself incorrect
once again

you cannot imitate and not expect false flattery
i hope you get a standing ovation
because
i
for one
think you
deserve it

you deserve it

life as a means of the beautiful but lethargic aura
**** the colors you might see
i ******* see them deeper

and i have nothing platonic to say to you
i've been holding you the entire time
so break free

hey you

you are me

unmoved.

he comes out for a drink
he is cradling the frail expectation of sunrise
he is convulsing and he breaks both legs on the stairs
he cannot stop laughing
he cannot stop shaking

she comes out for something to chew on
glancing at my most private synapse
she is biting her fingernails to brittle fragments
she wants me to remember what happened in the deepest shadow of the monolith
that she was perverted in God's right hand
with the other hand stuffed desperately into his pants

she wants him to remember everything she vowed to forget

complex
serpentine in posture
unending
relentless

i cut my achilles' tendon
and ran for you like i never thought i could

the entire time
inching further from myself

protective eyewear and bonesaws
the sawing of marrow
somehow a familiar sound to my ears

grace me with your otherworldly presence
or get as far away as you can
as fast as possible
through no fault but your own

i didn't light my house on fire to be consoled by ashes and fragments
i did it to prove that
between puddles and eggshells, there isn't too much room to move
i hope that you can see that now

if you smile
commit yourself to it
clench your grin between your jaws

capacity and expression
are not mutually exclusive
assign yourself an emotion
and delve into it until your bones crack
stiff and under pressure

it has always been funny to me
that they call it
sin city

because it follows that
sins are commodified, justified, or monetized

speaking for myself here
if my sins were contained to
a place, or given a context
a simple time and place
they would lose meaning
if there is any in the first place

my sins are old
my sins are new
my sins are whatever

i thought you might question the blood on my white collar shirt but you never said anything about it
we paraded around for a few hours
went home at a decent time
left for Mexico in the morning

Heard you pounding at the door
and
I wanted nothing more than
to invite you in

nothing is meant by this pause
this encounter is an error

been trying to live it down for seven years and some days now

even if I could trace your outline, I never knew your name

a well documented severe case of marginal disassociation
keeps my belly warm during the winter

in the deepest snow we could find we buried all of our necessary accessories

the tides have come for me
the lights in the watchtower scream now
i am carried away in a fluorescent red wave of relief

i am at ease
i am at rest
i can never escape

the entrance is an exit

face the whole ******* world
convince yourself you aren't who you are
i have no ******* idea
and it doesn't matter

shine the lights brighter
******* brighter
blind me
i don't ******* know and i couldn't tell you

can you count the number of times you did it on your fingers?
cry on someone else's shoulder
grind your teeth until they shatter

you should be made to bleed from the mouth
as you spew your ******* garbage
as you spew your ******* garbage

let me crucify you for a change
and show you just what you've done

Alive in a state of quiet observation
with sinks full of insects
and a body of christ

A document written in a dead language
The pledge is recited backwards
They embed themselves in the flesh

Spores used for growth or salts used for sniffing or songs used for sleeping

i dyed my hair jet black in the bathroom so no one would recognize me
because i am nobody
in five senses
with tremendous lateral pressure

i was born with two collapsed lungs
i think my first breath is still trapped inside of them

The door is open
You don't need to worry about sticking a foot in

We're here for you
but right now we've taken leaves of absence
We're here for you
but soon we'll be gone

But I can see you now
You don't have to talk to anyone about it
You don't need permission

You have my unconditional attention after all

i fix myself up
i go out on the road
i stay in your room
i **** myself up
i **** myself up
i **** myself
up

you gave birth to the wrong kind of monster
i work myself up
i **** myself over

Escapism as a form of affection
Even when I close my eyes I can feel my disfigurements emerging
My head is too heavy for sleep

The oozing, the subtle sting, the infinite burning, the bandages; life pours out of my sutures and gaping incisions
My real self is a part of my past

I cannot feel my face
I cannot save myself from my thoughts
I am as much of a ******* as I am a parasite; flesh is the ultimate interloper and my organs are divided into spheres of influence

My body is colonized and turned into the birthplace of my disease

He's not dead
He doesn't come up for air anymore

He's not dead
He couldn't figure it out in time

He's not dead
He's right where you left him, and he can't move on his own

He's not dead
He is pulling the skin off his fingers like string

He's not dead
He is drunk and he is laughing

He's not dead
He's coughing up feathers

He's not dead
He's pulled out all of his teeth

He's not dead
He's not dead

blood concrete bash
all of my insides smell like embalming fluid
and i can't afford to carry this **** around all day anymore
i am going to get arrested if they find it

this song is about nothing and I am no one to be telling you this, I remember you with your satin sheets and ****** clownsuit and me hiding in a tree, questioning masculinity

every year is getting longer
every night is feeling colder and
biting at my bones
and eating at my sinuses

this house
i made it
from bricks and twigs and pieces of animals from the woods
so
then i knew i would
have a place to call home

fell asleep on a bed of broken glass
wrapped my hands around my throat
stabbing at love blindly with a broken ringfinger

dig me in with a shovel
put me in the ground
but don't let me rest

stupid puppet controlling everything
strings are tied to its spine
it writhes, gesticulates, and vomits

there is nothing for them on this planet
they are getting tired
so tired

Maybe one day they will hold me accountable

I am not just a *******
At least I have some sort of control
I am ****, in a bag
I am contained
Throw me out after you finish walking the dog

as far as i'm concerned
i've been in an assisted living community my entire life
they lock the doors at night, we all do as a community of course but

the security guard seems to have forgotten his hourly rounds
because it smells like gunpowder and gasoline in here

as far as i'm concerned, i've been in the same place for most of my life

losing focus in the nosebleed section
i never reserve seats
and they give me these for free

doing time until time can't be done
it is okay to sleep in your car but only if you don't have a mattress

Pour that salt into my mouth
Hang me by my ankles off a bridge

Pour some salt into my mouth
Feed me lies and insects

Pour your salts into my mouth
Don't ask why and continue on

Fill my mouth full of salt
Clean my teeth with alcohol
Make me realize what I've done

Drag your nails across my skin
Dig your thumbs into my eyes
Puncture my ear drums with your best knife
Stimulate yourself
Dress me up and
pour
your
salt
into
my
mouth

Make me feel that I'll never escape
Mechanize me with stabilization
and wash these salts from my throat

trees are not good for hiding from me
because i can cut them down
i will burn this entire ******* forest to get you back

i will string myself between the tree trunks
i will replace the bark with my skin
so you can rip me off more easily

please come back to me
but never do
please

digestion
what is it?
i can say i really  missed it

well
i can't see much
on the road I'm on
but my high beams
seem to guide me along

digestion
what is it?
i can say i really missed it

a swing of the cane and a
toss of the hat
to seal em in for the night
and force their mouths open
to feed em off our plights

wake up
from slumber you cannot call your own
walk
run
move
proteins block and
blur motion

if i thought i could do it i probably would have done it
being in the hospital long enough
has taught me that colors correlate to days
and that the opposite is true as well

i have too much of what makes you good
and that is why i am what i am

what of the hole?
what of the hate we give to it
what of you,

get off me man. get the *******, get off me, off of me

survive
bleeding
final envy
central

tear your ******* ties

but we **** on the same pacifiers
we inhale the dust from the factory floor

wintergreen coated plastic
put it between your gum and your cheek

its all the same, but a little different
just a little

and whispering but I am not there I am not there I am not there

price tags and delicatessen tickets
your number is up
it is time

you forgot to take your price tag off
so they're doing work on you
they will fix you
they will end you

I turn off the lights at orphanages
just to hear the sound of them cry

because trust me, trust me, even a ******* stray deserves to die

covered in disdain
and inorganic temporary euphoria
and a jaded sense of self

face meets concrete

you have
fooled yourself
veiled yourself
lied to yourself

fervent and unrelenting all
the way down

drunk sitting shotgun
you're behind the wheel

don't let me disrupt your steering
don't give me control of the wheel

don't bring it back

and i promise i won't make you steer us into the oncoming lane
so i can end it

i want to sit here for the rest of my life
with the walls bifurcating and bubbling and whispering and

sometimes i just can't stand to look at myself

with every knock I get closer between the floorboards is where you'll find me

I blow smoke in your face you ******* liar your lips sting with *****

This morning I woke up to
painted crucifixions on my door
and I think I know who they were for

a culture too sensitive to exist
you should not care what people think about you because they do not matter

at least I now know we are not meant to last

i tore into myself i ripped
my arm open and, rearranged my veins
so i can bleed more easily into you

this one makes me feel better but i don't even know what it does

a fully functioning novocaine addict
i need to be
made to feel like i need to rip the wiring out of my mouth
at all times

silence hasn't existed and never will
silence is something you can't create
silence isn't something
silence is nothing