The words unsaid are infinite
The words i say are a summary
The words you hear are filtered
The words i hear are my downfall

climbing drown the rusty fire escape
from your mind into your heart

i see the chords
for a song
on the slide guitar

and crumpled papers
of all of the words you had
meant to deliver to me

you threw them away
because they had expired

i see the fibrous edges
of your hollow insides
fraying
from the words
your saintly mother
punishes you with

because

to improve ones self is to improve for God

but your heart
sprouted with new growth
on that warm spring day

and as we sat behind the wall
overlooking our hometown

we rolled in shells and twigs and grass
and acted like dogs

and in the pale yellow sunlight

i finally saw your heart smile

button eyes
button nose
button lips
button girl, your soul, she kindly sips

little drink
brandy more
some is poured
let this girl slowly be your overlord

tie your tie
zip your slacks
comb your hair
a word from her, both will be in underwear

eyelash eye
stick of lip
sweetly curled
her lack of innocence, in front of you, unfurled

eyes of green
fade to red
"I want you now."
takes you all without a single holy vow

cleaning up
done whats done
kiss goodbye
she's already gone to find another oblivious guy

There are several ways
to cross over to the other side

HUMANS
we spend our existence
disagreeing on what
the other side contains

~FACT~
we all have to go anyway

we all will find out

like an impatient kid
that demands
i want it now
we are too impatient
to wait and see

the universe's ultimate surprise

Have you ever listened to a song
And in those few minutes
Known your true idenity
You feel the presence of yourself
And the lack of yourself
And everything that is you, inbetween
You are sewn to the earth
You are the moss
You are the trees
But you also dont belong here
You belong everywhere

Please find that song
And never replace it with anything less

i miss the way you used to kiss my hands and cup my face like i was something new

i miss the way you wrote i love you on my spine with your thumb every time the silence settled

i miss your self taught rebellion

we used to stay up all night to question the world together.

you used to tilt your head, trying to solve me like a puzzle
and when you couldn't figure it out
you used to gather my pieces and love them anyway

i miss the car we first cried together in
i miss the first time we traced each other's skin
i miss sitting by the river and letting the breeze batter our sides
i miss the sing-your-heart-out car rides

i miss any radiation given off from the first year of "i love you's"

ultimately, i miss your interest in me

when you look at me now
your eyes are hollow

come back to me.

the world was just too overgrown when humanity found it

every detail of nature was inconvenient
every animal was enslaved
every continent needed a dominant empire

humans needed their mechanical Eden to skim by heaven
to prove we are wingless angels
and make their chemically induced clouds cry acid tears

shots fire at our brothers
trying to prove our dominant animal coats
and war paths are proven less prehistoric
with manufactured metal bullets

history was being made before the
concept of language was conceived
but language is wasting away
back into nonsense
because why express yourself with knowledge
when it is constantly accessible

social snakes slither around honesty
while the truthful hide their ankles with heavy wool socks
and after the constant strikes
the poison sinks in
and the relevancy to being honest is lost

numbers for the pure of heart and free spirited dwindle

and i am lucky enough to find the few left
holding the heavy burden of the question

Why?

in my garden
there's a feeling
of your fingers buried
beneath the snow

your hands as strong
diamond blades
but now we need to go

in my living room
the universe
leaks in through open windows

i try to dig you out of our suede couch
but the cushions fall too low

my old bedroom
hums a cleaning tune
of polka styled Sundays

you never understood
my floral sheets or any of my ways

in my driveway
bottle rockets lit
shooting past our skulls

you couldn't look at me
or anything that screamed romance at all

finally i see the bible green
craft woven through the fields

all i see is our lord savior
lighting cigarettes revealed

Darling catch me when i fall
I only see you when i blink
And hear you when i sing
And feel you in the blanketed bed i call home

Join me
I won't mind

as much as i try
i cannot plan euphoric moments

things that went unplanned:

light trails and dance dresses
uniqueness found in a flood of people
hope that goodbyes will linger on
palm trees in the palm of your hand
lake eyes and tan laughter
discovering we were running for no purpose
and reminiscing barefoot nights in the trees
coughing up regretful truth
waking up on the ashy grey carpet
yet still hunting for bears
smoke and animals and faint music
letting the boiler burn and not feeling any pain
adopting gourds and playing pretend
because that's everything we can do in this life
and now i hope to never plan again

the circus in town
is found in my head
they sell tickets to the show
when I lay in bed

as I walk in the tent
I find posters on the wall
for each act flaws displayed
some big and some small

first act up is named Guilt
but his show was no fun
laying his life on the line
as he held up a gun

Guilt is ushered away
Hope is wheeled on, you see
wounded in Jealousy's path
he used to walk differently

suddenly Jealousy storms
and ruins the show
burning down the big tent
because the things he won't know

but now the show's gone
and the feel's run about
the self deprecation act
is found inside out

these freaks of my mind
follow me 'round day to day
traveling circular paths
in my mind made of clay

the words I speak festered in the back of my throat
the words you hear barely skimmed through my teeth
the things I say mean the world to me
the things you hear will never be significant enough

I am part of an existence comprised of life and death. I am part of an existence that I can’t wrap my head around. I am inside of a world no one wants to understand. I am using language as a tool to clear my head. I am living a life that could easily be a lie. But what really is a lie if each one of us will die. I am a recycled particle of everything that has been. This universe is a blender in God’s kitchen. Maps are dishonest. And I am honestly losing my mind.

to me you speak proverbs
and Hymns
and Hallelujahs

If God isn't real, i know there is still a deity in you
a broken deity
a light that lived many lives
a cackling joker
if you may

i cry and listen to simple songs
that remind me
you may have kissed the most beautiful face in the world
and then i cry more because
to have felt true love in this world
just makes you a sucker
and we both fell victim to euphoria

we both fell victim to big thoughts and small gestures
and big smiles hiding small lies
i like to believe nothing is little
but i am sad

i love that you remember calendar dates
because you only keep track of the things that you care about
but you can't put a date
on the day we both let these men deteriorate us

decay is gradual

i love that you value repetition
in clothes, routines, and words
but we lost ourselves in the Nights We Can't Remake
and we keep driving night highways in search of
the past pieces of our friend group

but they choose pride over fellowship
so they can chain the ones they want to marriage bands and empty vows

thank you for teaching me
that you can not try for brilliance
instead it gravitates toward you
through honesty and observation

you are the most interesting story my life will ever get the chance to read

We built a perfect harmony
In fields
Basements
Fire and soot

We found serenity in a song

And disturbance in the word goodbye

Freedoms found
in the same perimeter

Melodies roaring from the roof

We wont forget the words
to our anthems

And their lyrics will become
the foundation for my being

kind hearted man
why do you try so hard to be simple

i loved you for your innocence
but i know it's chosen ignorance
because if you think too hard
you might learn that everything you know is a lie

your God is the easiest road to travel
rather than tackle the real questions of the universe

you are stuck in your own head

i have dreams where i try to chisel you out
but instead my pecking backfires
and i'm the one left in pieces

you want to do whats easiest
so i'm left alone

sprinting through the dark fields of the world
on my birthday
chasing down nineteen candles without you

this is a prayer for the works abandoned

the words never found
and the ones that still hide in my throat

the half written sentences
and the small thoughts buried in tiny caskets
because they died far too young

the potential "i love you's"
and skin touched in passing on a drink

the unfulfilled agendas
severed by fast approaching fate
and murdered by the rate of time

i am not a very religious person

but i continue to pray
for the homeless man
that made shelter under the bridge
and is spat on by the rain
for never striving toward a happy ending

She filled 18 years with

anxiety
hopeful looks
lipstick shades
wishes on the promising stars
and candles extinguished
observations
hiding from attention
making her first grade teacher cry
being a dog's best friend
and catching frogs in a butterfly net
trying so hard to give music a formula
and singing songs made for someone else
ignoring the gut she is supposed to go with
and letting decisions slip out of her possession
questioning companionship
and loving anyone who loves her
no exceptions
thinking pianos are pretty
even when not played
hiding secrets in the lump in her throat
trying to avoid conflict
and stir up something not so new
equality
knowing her mother wants a sailboat
and her dad wants peace of mind and maybe
an extra 'I love you' here and there
her sister will only love her most current reality
and she will never be home again
it's been six years since she called anywhere home

it's been 18 long years
of the torturous perfect life

she forgot to say thank you for so long now
and that still keeps her guilt alive
in the nights she lies awake

My loss of balance
I blame on evolution

I look around and see smoke
in the air from
pollution
and
my best friend's cigarette

I see different eyes
how they evolved into unique shapes
and how both people
still need to console themselves
with their man made vices

when i'm sober
I can only think of
the strong imprint
of the smell of whiskey
and the plans for its return

so I go find my old hide away
from the days sobriety didn't concern me
and see it surrounded by thorns
and feel it grown into the hillside

As I scrape my ankles
and sacrifice myself to these tiny threats
I wonder if this old clubhouse
represents what happened to me

Am I cruel for the same reason the forest grows thorns?

Though beautiful on the inside, we both want to keep the world out.

feelings change but all I want is a sign for which we have only shared words that can be denied
since that night I imagine you over and over dipping your hand into the other woman's thigh

I keep using "you", that second person way of pointing your fingers through poems without bearing their name
how can I say I meant "don't" and not "do" when we talked of pity toward you what's the point if you can't feel the same

there's a rhythmic flow of emotions in the river that we should have jumped in soaking us to the core and skin
would we have found honesty in water tainted by poison and sin

I only hope I remind you of whiskey and green

two things you will continue to see without me

Will you remember the messy words I stained your shirt with or the cocky sunrise that awoke us all whether we liked it or not or the drug store candy that would dye our teeth every wrong color like a mood ring for all the feelings we must avoid

Do you like how much she hates your hair and makes you change so you can kiss her chalky makeup stained face that will never understand Bob Dylan or the moon because his voice is too gritty and it's too cold for the sky

take my word for it
we're both worth it
in your hour of implosion
our time keeps going

midnight, the familiar smell of
strange boys trying to hold you
your mouth a cauldron of poison
touching all the things you don't want to

loosing yourself in dark skies
won't bring the stars any closer
old photographs fill your mind
how can he change that quick
i'm not so sure

older boys don't know the things
our silly schoolboys taught us
like how to hold your words in
to make other heads combust

regret will hold your hair
as you prepare to throw up flowers
from the dances you went to
in his green suit
now April Showers

I regret most of it
looking deeply into his eyes closed
next time you fall and scrape your knees
know that the pain may be predisposed

put down the drink
come lay with me
what can we build
our strategy

to use this pain
and smear the blood
across the sheets so tragically

(i wish that you were here with me)

the language of love held in our eyes
words zoom by
our messages passing each other
on the other side of a divided highway

unnoticed

it's been 33 weeks since our last and first kiss
and i have dreams where all i can do is scream at your girlfriend
but its been 21 weeks since you told me to forget it
and this number counting has become an obsession

piano keys burn my hands
and every dark haired boy could be you
i wonder if its been long enough that you forget what i look like
did you know its been four years since you first made me blush

i clutch to loss like it's something i can fix
but love is a rusted piece of the titanic
93 years tucked in it's death bed
a tragedy so short-lived it's a spectacle

i'll always celebrate the night this love came to life and died
that morning sunrise was the first blow to the bow
you got in a lifeboat with no turning back
i chose to lie in bed until i drowned

Every syllable is an added
hot coal to my throat

Words peel my insides apart
as if their vibrations
could travel a path of destruction

I contemplate humanity in my room
for days on end
but nothing is being changed

My sad realization is

I can't save anyone
unless they are willing


I am safe with people
I am scared of people

I hate people
I have never loved anything more than people

I want to change people
I want people to change me

i see them embrace
crying
heaving

but i can only thank the moon
for letting me witness this moment

only wanting to hear more
their advice is my will to live

but i can only thank my ears
for letting me hear their lectures

I smell the distinct smell
cold wet grass
and broken teenage hearts

i don't want to thank my nose
because this brings melancholy
but i thank it anyway
because all senses disturbed
build character, right?
  
I feel the warmth of youthful years
slowly freeze over
once these precious frozen memories melt
they evaporate into the present
never to be seen again

so i thank my eyes
for not letting me hold back the pain
i want the world to see
how much i feel
how much i notice
I am one big collage of emotions
now lets put it on display

Once you have had a taste a perfection nothing else can compare
I don’t know of a constant love
Its only going to keep getting colder
To control our emotions is the unachievable goal
The potential haunts me
Don’t allow yourself to be a timer

Maybe the world is still Eden, but we assumed evil

Thinking about the dead makes me feel so alive
The world filled with ashes
We return them to the ground
To be the dirt humanity uses
Every man plays his part in the end

Useful on earth

Useful in earth

Time heals all wounds, cuts, bruises, broken bones, organs (specifically hearts)

Time heals all of these with a force called love (tolerance)
Medicine (alcohol)
Prescriptions from your loved ones ("just get over it already")
Or
("Find someone else")

Time pushes decisions on you
Do we fight for the past?
Do we fight in regret's slow growing army?
Do we only go down fists clenched?
Or
Do we waste away?
Do I sit along the shore ( bedrooms, basements, classrooms, places I spend most time) and overlook my pretty little shells ( the best people in my life)
Waiting for the shell I threw back (you)
To wash up once again

After all there are so many shells in the sea
And so many shores

For all of the things I want and wish you loved more often

your rapid thinking
your turning night into day
and your laugh that floats in amusement

your calming soul
and your dimple that shows
when you indulge in a genuine smile

your stomach
your selfless nature
and your strong grip on any remaining innocence

your honesty
and movement
and self control
although seemingly unhelpful
they make you a strong woman
something our society needs

your ability to choose
your own thoughts and choices
to disregard trends
and clothe yourself in a pity-less lifestyle

you are what i strive to be and what i am lucky enough to have today

how does it feel to own a body
comprised of missed opportunities?
i avoid you
only to find you settled
in my bed
with a bottle of whisky
morning breath and bed head
playing every song i've ever loved backwards
you project my memories of him
on the ceiling
in lamp light
with shadows
i am the left hand and he always will be the right
dear regret why do you only visit at night?
sometimes you hide in the stars
or a boy with the same shade of uncertainty in his skin
you smell like firewood, wet grass, and sin
you are a ghost
in my present
you are a soldier
of the past
you are my life
in rewind

January- chilly sad and hungover
she distorts what she can get her hands on
but behind glazed over eyes, she laughs
she becomes frostbite
IN THE BATHROOM CARVING HOLIDAY DESIGNS

February- he tries to write you a song
but runs out of inspiration
he hides from the answers to his unasked questions
he learns not to dare the cold anymore
WHEN LOVE IS GONE, WHERE DOES IT GO

March- strong as a lion and as modest as a lamb,
she spends her time in the waiting room
WE MUST GET OLDER NOW (please) WAKE UP

April- watering the flowers with her tears
she knows her current misery will bring beauty one day
HOPE THAT SOMETHING PURE CAN LAST

May- our ray of light
smiling listening and unique
she is the sweetest thing we await
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FACE WE HAVE FOUND IN THIS PLACE (and be gone from me)

June-he's silent and observant
his presence feels like a dream
he drinks your beer
stomps out a song and peacefully sleeps on your kitchen floor
THIS IS THE ROOM ONE AFTERNOON I KNEW I COULD LOVE YOU

July- she is bloated and hot
with sticky watermelon lips
lost in a ridiculous obsession with love and books and hammocks
she drunkenly whispers her secrets to the woods
AS I RECALL OUR SHADOWS IN THE MOONLIGHT IN THE SUMMERTIME

August- she is warm loyal and reckless
you love her Sunday presence
but fear when she has to leave
she is meant for bigger things
PLEASE REMEMBER ME (happily, fondly, mistakenly)

September-  August's silent shadow
He loves her so
but can't find the courage to tell her
He never had a voice
He lives his life beautifully and tragically unannounced
HER LAUGHTER ECHOED THROUGH THE EMPTY STREETS

October- he is the perfect fall picnic
swinging from trees and supporting the year with his humor
he tells us the end is almost here and we shouldn't take life too seriously
he lights the flame and he couldn't be happier
I AM YOUNG AND I AM NAIVE TELL ME SOMETHING I WILL BELIEVE

November- a tall and gangly memory from a time before
looking for oblivious love to defend
at this point in the year
he deserves someone to call a family
he takes a nap and doesn't care to awaken
NOT MUCH HAIR LEFT ON HIS HEAD, ATE A SLICE OF WONDERBREAD (i loved you first)

December- ghosts float in bulbs and holiday punch
the empty buzz of the heater reminds us that we may never know true silence
RETURN TO SISTER WINTER (i apologize)

he used to grow his hair wild like ivy and kept it for hiding all of the self imposed wounds on his skull from beating his head off of the wall

had he not learned a lesson from the first love at all?

how could he bloom in his house like a zoo ruled by Mosaic Jesus's and rosaries on a loop

he held his words prisoner like the bird in it's cage

his pond was full of beer and red white and blue couples photographs

maybe the red velvet dress she wore reminded him of theater seats
and her near black hair was the charcoal stage
and the scars from their love was the masking tape
trying to fix what was broken from the start

maybe he made a mistake trying to love her
but everyone deserves their fair attempt at being someone else
for a day or two years

i think my heart might be the moon
i feel how bright it shines
this ***** is rarely present
orbiting in space
circling the globe
rocky
weightless
shifting tones from orange to silver to yellow
feared and loved
waxing and waning over time
black when full of jealousy
crescent when i spot a glimmer of hope
full when experiencing pure bliss
and reborn every month
to go through the cycle again

for just a minute, close your eyes
think of where you are
in this universe
on this planet
in a country
probably sheltered

think of your current reality
what problems are you having
why are you troubled

now just think of all of the places you haven't been
all of the people you have never met
and all of the opportunities you could take

you have to have a purpose
you will find it
just allow yourself

the common concept of nostalgia
is seen as a summer's day

the carefree wind carries you
to and from your destinations
as you float through humidity
waiting for the warmth
of a human embrace
greeted by friendly smiles
that hang in the trees

but as the summer's twilight
hangs overhead
internal panic sets
and darkness begins to drown us
like a fast approaching wave

Writing hurts and it helps
It hurts to pull your brain through time machines to relive your life in slow motion
But it helps you find the truth about your sickening unconscious
With a full page
You can feel empty
For at least one second
Until burdening thoughts return
To run the track of twisted reality
Once again

familiar black confetti fills my mind
small men replace my brain
boasting their invitation to the Anger Party
their strobes brush the insides of my eyes
and make sure to unlock the chaotic thoughts
taking my words and holding my tongue
and painting my face as red as their devil's eyes
once they are done and cleaning up
this swirling vortex escapes through my tears
leaving me to my regrets
hungover, hoping never to see another party again

our first night together
it was chilly for May
you had your first kiss with her
i was alone

our second night together
it was warm for December
my date couldn't make it
you found me crying in the living room
you asked if I was okay, grabbed a cold beer
and left me to be back in her embrace

our third night together
my date was trapped in his own trouble
i smoked for the first time and watched the pictures move
you gave up smoking for her affection

our fourth night together
my date finally made it
and she was on the other end of your long distance phone call
we sang and danced to all of our favorite songs
i slept in the attic storage
you slept on the kitchen floor

our fifth night together
you returned from your journeys
we drank *** and coke in a basement
i tried to impress you with my aspirations
to move to California and be happy
i tried to convince you i am strong and confident
i tried to convince myself you meant nothing to me

our sixth night together
we kissed by the river
and he found us there
you vomited your guilt out
and we agreed she never had to know

our first night apart
i sang my favorite song
but my voice withered at my favorite line

you couldn't bring the columns down because you never knew they were there

my first night i knew i was truly alone
i cried because of the old couple i saw in the park
and deleted my unanswered drunk texts

i am haunted by these minuscule memories that could never add up to the millions you have with her

i am sorry for ever interrupting you that first night

i hope to speak to you again
but then what would i say

that your current relationship
makes me feel like an angel
buried alive and forgotten
that i drink
then i call
to hear your voice
but there is nothing to say
i am doomed to dead leaves and empty carousels
i am stuck on one song
the piano is tired of hearing it
and the folds in my throat are tired of singing it
Sundays call for routine
Samson sings my rampant mind to sleep
and David can play to please the Lord
but i will never please you
the way that her tiny hands and heart do
you were everywhere
including my lips
and time will heal all wounds
but instead you left a tattoo
that reads
i ****** up
i still get high from the memories of our eye contact
i know that we could have made it
if we had tried
but you're the balloon that flew away
into a greedy breeze
and you taught my childish heart
that all things are temporary

time has always tried to suffocate me

each year of school
joined by my sinking heart
and pounding head
and realization my crayons
have to get more mature

i cried everyday of the first grade
sobbing to my mom
in my princess nightgown
at 3 am

"Why do i have to grow up?"

i miss recess and arts and crafts
scraping my knees and crying
and having someone there to hold me
until the pain subsides

i miss saying nonsense
and feeling imagination
without the following fear of criticism

i miss crushes and cartwheels
and being excited by the possibilities
of the world and its inhabitants

i spent most of my childhood
counting the time i had left
to be a kid

i spend teenage years
marching around
fearing my inevitable "career"

a hollowed attempt at understanding
crowned with a rosary
and clothed in ignorance

hiding in the word of God
weeping for Eve
triumphant with David
she alludes herself to be living

if we all made her decisions
no one would be living
and we would find ourselves
forgetting about the sky

how apocalyptic to forget about the sky

Please know that i am fine now
I forget about your existence
Until i stumble upon a memory

I'm sorry for trying
We didn't have much time together
I took your kindness way too far
And confused us both with
My enthusiasm
Lack of self respect
And desperation

You were a new concept
I was the listening ear
But there was never a we
Only in my daydreams
Where we meet again
And you would actually miss me


Turns out I was wrong  

But again I am fine now
And you forgot me from day one
So i know you must be fine too

I let his hands warm mine
I let his breath be unkind
I let his words haunt my mind

I want the past to be erased or last forever
this blistering cold and ****** up weather
do you tire of your winter clothes ever?

I remember all of the dreams you have been in
I remember the night of brush burned skin
I can remember but have I ever truly sinned?

he moves my mind
in contrasting circles
in all shapes and sizes
my thoughts twirls away
and together again

like the most pleasant way to drown
he drags me under the water
and the feel of his heart lets me know
these choppy waves are actually a best friend

that ******* recorded voice when I cross the street
‘Walk sign is on to cross fifth, walk sign is on to cross fifth’
she has to remind me I might forget where I am at any particular time

that the human mind is fragile and the human heart is overworked

I like living in the city so I can see all the different life
and no one knows how much I care about them
as long as I am in the crowd
I will never be done exploring my own mind

close enough I can see the view
far enough away that I can’t be touched