Just go look at the moon and breathe

Sources of light getting smaller
All of our eyes are black in the dark
Forever it's strange to know
You're holding a person
with a motor heart

Please know that i am fine now
I forget about your existence
Until i stumble upon a memory

I'm sorry for trying
We didn't have much time together
I took your kindness way too far
And confused us both with
My enthusiasm
Lack of self respect
And desperation

You were a new concept
I was the listening ear
But there was never a we
Only in my daydreams
Where we meet again
And you would actually miss me


Turns out I was wrong  

But again I am fine now
And you forgot me from day one
So i know you must be fine too

Every syllable is an added
hot coal to my throat

Words peel my insides apart
as if their vibrations
could travel a path of destruction

I contemplate humanity in my room
for days on end
but nothing is being changed

My sad realization is

I can't save anyone
unless they are willing


I am safe with people
I am scared of people

I hate people
I have never loved anything more than people

I want to change people
I want people to change me

Have you ever listened to a song
And in those few minutes
Known your true idenity
You feel the presence of yourself
And the lack of yourself
And everything that is you, inbetween
You are sewn to the earth
You are the moss
You are the trees
But you also dont belong here
You belong everywhere

Please find that song
And never replace it with anything less

Remember the night the trees were in the stars
And we were in the trees
And the earth was warm
And no one could find a reason to cry

Remember when we heard the sweetest lullaby
And hid secrets in the bark
And found joy in each other

The buzz of night
Happy shadows
Good auras of light
And yet the comfort of wandering alone

January- chilly sad and hungover
she distorts what she can get her hands on
but behind glazed over eyes, she laughs
she becomes frostbite
IN THE BATHROOM CARVING HOLIDAY DESIGNS

February- he tries to write you a song
but runs out of inspiration
he hides from the answers to his unasked questions
he learns not to dare the cold anymore
WHEN LOVE IS GONE, WHERE DOES IT GO

March- strong as a lion and as modest as a lamb,
she spends her time in the waiting room
WE MUST GET OLDER NOW (please) WAKE UP

April- watering the flowers with her tears
she knows her current misery will bring beauty one day
HOPE THAT SOMETHING PURE CAN LAST

May- our ray of light
smiling listening and unique
she is the sweetest thing we await
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FACE WE HAVE FOUND IN THIS PLACE (and be gone from me)

June-he's silent and observant
his presence feels like a dream
he drinks your beer
stomps out a song and peacefully sleeps on your kitchen floor
THIS IS THE ROOM ONE AFTERNOON I KNEW I COULD LOVE YOU

July- she is bloated and hot
with sticky watermelon lips
lost in a ridiculous obsession with love and books and hammocks
she drunkenly whispers her secrets to the woods
AS I RECALL OUR SHADOWS IN THE MOONLIGHT IN THE SUMMERTIME

August- she is warm loyal and reckless
you love her Sunday presence
but fear when she has to leave
she is meant for bigger things
PLEASE REMEMBER ME (happily, fondly, mistakenly)

September-  August's silent shadow
He loves her so
but can't find the courage to tell her
He never had a voice
He lives his life beautifully and tragically unannounced
HER LAUGHTER ECHOED THROUGH THE EMPTY STREETS

October- he is the perfect fall picnic
swinging from trees and supporting the year with his humor
he tells us the end is almost here and we shouldn't take life too seriously
he lights the flame and he couldn't be happier
I AM YOUNG AND I AM NAIVE TELL ME SOMETHING I WILL BELIEVE

November- a tall and gangly memory from a time before
looking for oblivious love to defend
at this point in the year
he deserves someone to call a family
he takes a nap and doesn't care to awaken
NOT MUCH HAIR LEFT ON HIS HEAD, ATE A SLICE OF WONDERBREAD (i loved you first)

December- ghosts float in bulbs and holiday punch
the empty buzz of the heater reminds us that we may never know true silence
RETURN TO SISTER WINTER (i apologize)

you are stripes of blue and yellow
the most comforting happy colors

you are shifting sandpaper hands
grains itching to hold melancholy melodies

you are thunderous shouts
contained in a small ribboned mason jar

you are moonlit walks
pondering the dark and hoping for the light

you are tangled tree limbs
supporting all invited to climb

you are i'm sorry and thank you and please
habits of manners hanging from your neck

you are heat
without the fear of a burn

We search for change

But we hate that the conditions of this search aren't constant

he used to grow his hair wild like ivy and kept it for hiding all of the self imposed wounds on his skull from beating his head off of the wall

had he not learned a lesson from the first love at all?

how could he bloom in his house like a zoo ruled by Mosaic Jesus's and rosaries on a loop

he held his words prisoner like the bird in it's cage

his pond was full of beer and red white and blue couples photographs

maybe the red velvet dress she wore reminded him of theater seats
and her near black hair was the charcoal stage
and the scars from their love was the masking tape
trying to fix what was broken from the start

maybe he made a mistake trying to love her
but everyone deserves their fair attempt at being someone else
for a day or two years

he moves my mind
in contrasting circles
in all shapes and sizes
my thoughts twirls away
and together again

like the most pleasant way to drown
he drags me under the water
and the feel of his heart lets me know
these choppy waves are actually a best friend

the circus in town
is found in my head
they sell tickets to the show
when I lay in bed

as I walk in the tent
I find posters on the wall
for each act flaws displayed
some big and some small

first act up is named Guilt
but his show was no fun
laying his life on the line
as he held up a gun

Guilt is ushered away
Hope is wheeled on, you see
wounded in Jealousy's path
he used to walk differently

suddenly Jealousy storms
and ruins the show
burning down the big tent
because the things he won't know

but now the show's gone
and the feel's run about
the self deprecation act
is found inside out

these freaks of my mind
follow me 'round day to day
traveling circular paths
in my mind made of clay

how does it feel to own a body
comprised of missed opportunities?
i avoid you
only to find you settled
in my bed
with a bottle of whisky
morning breath and bed head
playing every song i've ever loved backwards
you project my memories of him
on the ceiling
in lamp light
with shadows
i am the left hand and he always will be the right
dear regret why do you only visit at night?
sometimes you hide in the stars
or a boy with the same shade of uncertainty in his skin
you smell like firewood, wet grass, and sin
you are a ghost
in my present
you are a soldier
of the past
you are my life
in rewind

We built a perfect harmony
In fields
Basements
Fire and soot

We found serenity in a song

And disturbance in the word goodbye

Freedoms found
in the same perimeter

Melodies roaring from the roof

We wont forget the words
to our anthems

And their lyrics will become
the foundation for my being

Once you have had a taste a perfection nothing else can compare
I don’t know of a constant love
Its only going to keep getting colder
To control our emotions is the unachievable goal
The potential haunts me
Don’t allow yourself to be a timer

Writing hurts and it helps
It hurts to pull your brain through time machines to relive your life in slow motion
But it helps you find the truth about your sickening unconscious
With a full page
You can feel empty
For at least one second
Until burdening thoughts return
To run the track of twisted reality
Once again

we do learn
at our own expense
no room for knowledge
when we're being suppressed

no learning in solitude
other than limitation
only parents known
and there is only imitation

God can't be found with holy beads
and gold crested frames

and if God knows our names

he should know our struggle
with evil and good
counting the times
before sin we stood

you are mad at your mom
you are mad at God
you are mad at manners
you are mad at your ignorance

you found your Faust thoughts
hiding in the attic
and evil seems reasonable
because goodness pushed your parents
off the edge of disaster

open their minds with knowledge

and choose the balance

because no extreme is ever going to be worth it

Maybe the world is still Eden, but we assumed evil

speak up
make eye contact
sing to yourself to clear the silence
only take the back roads in daylight
make sure to hide your complex humor
behind a veil of long hair and thick perfume and lipstick
always make sure to wear a palate to paint the day’s mood
take cautious lefts and firm rights
and make sure to wipe the dogs paws after her daily walk
act like you don’t care but you are interested
act like his hands still give you goosebumps
and always second guess that set of constellations you found in his eyes
and when your sing make sure to stay in tune
no one wants to hear an angel sing of tragedy
always know who to waste your sins on
this is how you lie awake
strangled by your own love handles
this is how you **** it all in
this is where you let it all out
this is when you pity laugh for their respect
this is how you keep it all inside
keep in mind the breeze can bring you to collapse

Starting a sentence with "I" makes me squirm but starting it with "you" makes it worse.

She filled 18 years with

anxiety
hopeful looks
lipstick shades
wishes on the promising stars
and candles extinguished
observations
hiding from attention
making her first grade teacher cry
being a dog's best friend
and catching frogs in a butterfly net
trying so hard to give music a formula
and singing songs made for someone else
ignoring the gut she is supposed to go with
and letting decisions slip out of her possession
questioning companionship
and loving anyone who loves her
no exceptions
thinking pianos are pretty
even when not played
hiding secrets in the lump in her throat
trying to avoid conflict
and stir up something not so new
equality
knowing her mother wants a sailboat
and her dad wants peace of mind and maybe
an extra 'I love you' here and there
her sister will only love her most current reality
and she will never be home again
it's been six years since she called anywhere home

it's been 18 long years
of the torturous perfect life

she forgot to say thank you for so long now
and that still keeps her guilt alive
in the nights she lies awake

words are evidence
his friendship was betrayal
eyes on fire in ignorance
sarcasm in the cruelest form

what does she see in him
other than lack of anyone else
bright young girl with a sad smile
his rein on her mind is clear

our dislike of him shows no dislike of her
it shows our love for her
how she is one of earth's diamonds
with a ***** lump of coal

you lie in bed as softly
as the fog caressing the street lights

outside the window is a dangerous world
but in this small white room
the night sounds are shifting springs and sighs

water drips from the pipes
cement floors radiate ice
your breath runs down my face in a hot rhythm
eyelashes and skin fall toward each other
and I have never been more warm

I can't get myself to move
as I watch you sleep

"I miss you"

these three words

I feel a sudden realization
of just how human we are

Darling catch me when i fall
I only see you when i blink
And hear you when i sing
And feel you in the blanketed bed i call home

Join me
I won't mind

your eyes cried love at the back of my head for years
and i ended up kissing your heels for attention
our anxiety ridden smiles match
i flirted through a funeral when you wore the color of lively cheeks and sun burnt toes
my mirror looks hold room for two
and when i wash my face
i look up hoping to see you
blazing purple like the subtle brilliant lights behind the milky way
that make it so wise
this story never had heroic start and will have a passive end
but in the meantime i can't bear to see your wedding day acted out in every silent moment that catches my calendar

there is ***** in my blood
a storm in my mind
and unlimited regrets strangling my chest

I steal things now just for possessions to hold
to prove I still exist
because I know that these memories won't last

let me roll down the hill
let me run through the woods
let me live those nights over again in my head

someone please let me live without thinking of you constantly

you haunt me like a ghost held prisoner in my mind

i miss the way you used to kiss my hands and cup my face like i was something new

i miss the way you wrote i love you on my spine with your thumb every time the silence settled

i miss your self taught rebellion

we used to stay up all night to question the world together.

you used to tilt your head, trying to solve me like a puzzle
and when you couldn't figure it out
you used to gather my pieces and love them anyway

i miss the car we first cried together in
i miss the first time we traced each other's skin
i miss sitting by the river and letting the breeze batter our sides
i miss the sing-your-heart-out car rides

i miss any radiation given off from the first year of "i love you's"

ultimately, i miss your interest in me

when you look at me now
your eyes are hollow

come back to me.

the common concept of nostalgia
is seen as a summer's day

the carefree wind carries you
to and from your destinations
as you float through humidity
waiting for the warmth
of a human embrace
greeted by friendly smiles
that hang in the trees

but as the summer's twilight
hangs overhead
internal panic sets
and darkness begins to drown us
like a fast approaching wave

The words unsaid are infinite
The words i say are a summary
The words you hear are filtered
The words i hear are my downfall

the words I speak festered in the back of my throat
the words you hear barely skimmed through my teeth
the things I say mean the world to me
the things you hear will never be significant enough

but all of the work you inspired has dissolved

I wasn't born to be the other woman

the desire of the forbidden
will always veil the definition of love
and last night that veil was as dark as the river
and your lips taste of both of our darkest fears

We are scared of the truth
We ****** up

My infidelity stems from all of the "what we could have been"s
I regret not trying to know you until now

There is something in the heat of the air between two past lovers

but now the air is chilly and it's going to be fall

The leaves will bask in their vibrant shades while I will try to hide my memories under their dead cold shells.

We ****** up
and everything happens for a reason



Now I can only wait.

take my word for it
we're both worth it
in your hour of implosion
our time keeps going

midnight, the familiar smell of
strange boys trying to hold you
your mouth a cauldron of poison
touching all the things you don't want to

loosing yourself in dark skies
won't bring the stars any closer
old photographs fill your mind
how can he change that quick
i'm not so sure

older boys don't know the things
our silly schoolboys taught us
like how to hold your words in
to make other heads combust

regret will hold your hair
as you prepare to throw up flowers
from the dances you went to
in his green suit
now April Showers

I regret most of it
looking deeply into his eyes closed
next time you fall and scrape your knees
know that the pain may be predisposed

put down the drink
come lay with me
what can we build
our strategy

to use this pain
and smear the blood
across the sheets so tragically

(i wish that you were here with me)

For all of the things I want and wish you loved more often

your rapid thinking
your turning night into day
and your laugh that floats in amusement

your calming soul
and your dimple that shows
when you indulge in a genuine smile

your stomach
your selfless nature
and your strong grip on any remaining innocence

your honesty
and movement
and self control
although seemingly unhelpful
they make you a strong woman
something our society needs

your ability to choose
your own thoughts and choices
to disregard trends
and clothe yourself in a pity-less lifestyle

you are what i strive to be and what i am lucky enough to have today

to me you speak proverbs
and Hymns
and Hallelujahs

If God isn't real, i know there is still a deity in you
a broken deity
a light that lived many lives
a cackling joker
if you may

i cry and listen to simple songs
that remind me
you may have kissed the most beautiful face in the world
and then i cry more because
to have felt true love in this world
just makes you a sucker
and we both fell victim to euphoria

we both fell victim to big thoughts and small gestures
and big smiles hiding small lies
i like to believe nothing is little
but i am sad

i love that you remember calendar dates
because you only keep track of the things that you care about
but you can't put a date
on the day we both let these men deteriorate us

decay is gradual

i love that you value repetition
in clothes, routines, and words
but we lost ourselves in the Nights We Can't Remake
and we keep driving night highways in search of
the past pieces of our friend group

but they choose pride over fellowship
so they can chain the ones they want to marriage bands and empty vows

thank you for teaching me
that you can not try for brilliance
instead it gravitates toward you
through honesty and observation

you are the most interesting story my life will ever get the chance to read

There was a certain point
Of no return
When you were killed into art
And dreams were burned

I am still haunted by that night
In pieces at a time
I recited you a poem
But I forgot how to rhyme

I never knew that our lives would extend this far intertwined

The ground glitters under leaves
I found graffiti on the trees
You still like to talk to me and
I found shelter in a cave
No one to find me there ashamed
I know they walk into the light
To hide from the fear of night
And when the light turns off
There’s chaos

I hear planes, trains and cop cars
But no dog barks in the city
Anymore for fear of water scorn
And I will swing at my own risk
I regret that one last kiss
On the chilly night in plaid
On the hillside when we found lost keys in the trash

I miss last fall because there was a ball
In the woods in pajamas
I eat the bark you eat the paper
Melted candy corn foil wraps needles shorn
Fire pain blood black ink we’re together in the sinking ship
That is time and we lay on needle pine
Forest floor no real cares no one’s true concern of bears
Running wild chilly air
First drunk night when I shared
My real feelings toward you behind sheen of royal blue
But you alertly wiped me off like a drunken sickened cough
I was a disease you used to catch but now you found your match
I lost my dignity that night
On the ashy rug when you found your true love
You kept me there out of pity so I moved into the city
To start over but I can’t start anything at all
The pen is too heavy to lift
I can’t listen I can’t learn
I found I’m not concerned about anything but last fall

feelings change but all I want is a sign for which we have only shared words that can be denied
since that night I imagine you over and over dipping your hand into the other woman's thigh

I keep using "you", that second person way of pointing your fingers through poems without bearing their name
how can I say I meant "don't" and not "do" when we talked of pity toward you what's the point if you can't feel the same

there's a rhythmic flow of emotions in the river that we should have jumped in soaking us to the core and skin
would we have found honesty in water tainted by poison and sin

I only hope I remind you of whiskey and green

two things you will continue to see without me

Will you remember the messy words I stained your shirt with or the cocky sunrise that awoke us all whether we liked it or not or the drug store candy that would dye our teeth every wrong color like a mood ring for all the feelings we must avoid

Do you like how much she hates your hair and makes you change so you can kiss her chalky makeup stained face that will never understand Bob Dylan or the moon because his voice is too gritty and it's too cold for the sky

time has always tried to suffocate me

each year of school
joined by my sinking heart
and pounding head
and realization my crayons
have to get more mature

i cried everyday of the first grade
sobbing to my mom
in my princess nightgown
at 3 am

"Why do i have to grow up?"

i miss recess and arts and crafts
scraping my knees and crying
and having someone there to hold me
until the pain subsides

i miss saying nonsense
and feeling imagination
without the following fear of criticism

i miss crushes and cartwheels
and being excited by the possibilities
of the world and its inhabitants

i spent most of my childhood
counting the time i had left
to be a kid

i spend teenage years
marching around
fearing my inevitable "career"

in my garden
there's a feeling
of your fingers buried
beneath the snow

your hands as strong
diamond blades
but now we need to go

in my living room
the universe
leaks in through open windows

i try to dig you out of our suede couch
but the cushions fall too low

my old bedroom
hums a cleaning tune
of polka styled Sundays

you never understood
my floral sheets or any of my ways

in my driveway
bottle rockets lit
shooting past our skulls

you couldn't look at me
or anything that screamed romance at all

finally i see the bible green
craft woven through the fields

all i see is our lord savior
lighting cigarettes revealed

I let his hands warm mine
I let his breath be unkind
I let his words haunt my mind

I want the past to be erased or last forever
this blistering cold and ****** up weather
do you tire of your winter clothes ever?

I remember all of the dreams you have been in
I remember the night of brush burned skin
I can remember but have I ever truly sinned?

i think my heart might be the moon
i feel how bright it shines
this ***** is rarely present
orbiting in space
circling the globe
rocky
weightless
shifting tones from orange to silver to yellow
feared and loved
waxing and waning over time
black when full of jealousy
crescent when i spot a glimmer of hope
full when experiencing pure bliss
and reborn every month
to go through the cycle again

What do i do when all of my family dies?

Will i ever have a calling?

Will time try to cheat me?

Can i actually feel as much as her?

Did my eyes linger too long?

Will my writing always be subjective and unfeeling?

How far is too far?

Am i actually crazy?

If i started running now, how far could i make it?

Does he still think about her silk skin?

What do i do when i reach the next dead end?

What would have happened if she jumped?

Will i find satisfaction on this dumb grey space rock?

Am i truly left here to drown in my own thoughts?

Does she know i would never dismiss her?

Will anyone miss me after all of this ends?

Will i ever stop thinking of myself long enough to make an impact on someone else?

How bad does heartbreak hurt

and will i be lucky enough to skip it?

How did he escape untouched?

Will i ever fall asleep?

the world was just too overgrown when humanity found it

every detail of nature was inconvenient
every animal was enslaved
every continent needed a dominant empire

humans needed their mechanical Eden to skim by heaven
to prove we are wingless angels
and make their chemically induced clouds cry acid tears

shots fire at our brothers
trying to prove our dominant animal coats
and war paths are proven less prehistoric
with manufactured metal bullets

history was being made before the
concept of language was conceived
but language is wasting away
back into nonsense
because why express yourself with knowledge
when it is constantly accessible

social snakes slither around honesty
while the truthful hide their ankles with heavy wool socks
and after the constant strikes
the poison sinks in
and the relevancy to being honest is lost

numbers for the pure of heart and free spirited dwindle

and i am lucky enough to find the few left
holding the heavy burden of the question

Why?

that ******* recorded voice when I cross the street
‘Walk sign is on to cross fifth, walk sign is on to cross fifth’
she has to remind me I might forget where I am at any particular time

that the human mind is fragile and the human heart is overworked

I like living in the city so I can see all the different life
and no one knows how much I care about them
as long as I am in the crowd
I will never be done exploring my own mind

close enough I can see the view
far enough away that I can’t be touched

we are all products of war
we learn to fire missiles
of flaming metal words
at anyone when we feel
empty

we never see the impact on the landing site
but we feel the bullet holes when they are fired back

I just want a peaceful exchange

but my generation lives for combat

for just a minute, close your eyes
think of where you are
in this universe
on this planet
in a country
probably sheltered

think of your current reality
what problems are you having
why are you troubled

now just think of all of the places you haven't been
all of the people you have never met
and all of the opportunities you could take

you have to have a purpose
you will find it
just allow yourself

Are you a collection of borrowed jokes and songs and ideas?

Does hate only reach a heart by reflecting from the heart of another?

Will you visit me in the city with a handful of wildflowers?

Do truely beautiful things have to call for attention?

Do we drink as a way to erase time and ourselves?

Do you still believe in the big thoughts we found in the snow?