time has always tried to suffocate me

each year of school
joined by my sinking heart
and pounding head
and realization my crayons
have to get more mature

i cried everyday of the first grade
sobbing to my mom
in my princess nightgown
at 3 am

"Why do i have to grow up?"

i miss recess and arts and crafts
scraping my knees and crying
and having someone there to hold me
until the pain subsides

i miss saying nonsense
and feeling imagination
without the following fear of criticism

i miss crushes and cartwheels
and being excited by the possibilities
of the world and its inhabitants

i spent most of my childhood
counting the time i had left
to be a kid

i spend teenage years
marching around
fearing my inevitable "career"