The trouble with never sleeping is that you start to develop weird habits and because of my diagnosed anxiety disorder i am constantly paranoid that i will develop ocd and perhaps it will take over my life like mtv true life tells me it will. insomnia is crippling and demeaning because no one understands that i only remember what day it is because i have a ritual every morning at 3:47 am that i cross out yesterdays date and now it officially begins today. the demeaning part begins when someone asks me why im so tired and i have to explain to them that i dont remember what it feels like to sleep for more than 3 hours or i just say its been a long day because who has the time to listen me talk about my sleeping habits or lack there of. in fact, i dont even have the time to listen to myself talk about it even though i’ve had almost 76 hours straight to hear myself talk. i didnt always have insomnia, i think it welcomed itself when you left because i always used to sleep with you, in both meanings of the phrase. i was afraid of the dark so you bought me glow in the dark stars and stuck them onto your ceiling and wrote little love messages on them so when i couldnt sleep at night, i could watch the stars you made for me.
Not laying in your bed anymore caused a **** load of thoughts to come racing back to my head. i thought about the crickets who always stopped chirping at 2:38 am, i thought about how i could hear her mother's coffee maker gurgle from the kitchen even though i was 200 feet away and you always liked to snore in my ear. i thought about the way you painted your room a different color because you thought it made you more grown up. i thought about zipping the back of your dress up before a party almost 10 months ago. i thought about you leaving me to go overseas one day. i thought about the seas. i thought about a boat fighting its way through the ocean and wondering why it wasn't moving anywhere because the captain forgot to pull up the anchor. i thought about not being able to breathe because you're gone. although you're probably home asleep in your bed. you're not over seas. you're not under the seas.
Sometimes you don't need water to drown.