Standing, on the other side of lonely
looking in
waiting,like a becalmed sailor
for the wind
looking , for a reason not to shed
another tear
feeling like a paper doll tossed
by the wind

But those long goodbyes
are taking up our time
bring forth all your tears
those long goodbyes
strain our two lives
desperately , clutching the years

Talking,to help myself remember
who I am
Journeys a thousand miles out and back
I've been
discovering, what a loss and what a fool
I've been
hoping, for redemption and another
invite in

But those long goodbyes
keep taking up our time
bring forth all your tears               x2
those long goodbyes
straining our lives
desperately, clutching the years        

Seeing, you standing in my doorway
once again
knowing, that this is exactly where
you should have been
touching, softly kissing the one that
I've missed
loving,for forever it's always
where we've been

But those long goodbyes
keep taking up our time
bring forth all your tears
those long goodbyes
straining our lives
desperately clutching the years      X2

So they say I have to move on,
let go,
and get on with my life.

And I will.

I guess that's easy to say.
but let this be known:
it's heart wrenching to do.

For you are entwined with me,
interlocked,
a puzzle which I have yet to solve.
Incomplete
my soul cries:
"I'm not finished with this yet!"

But, to save my sanity,
I must place you back where
I found you.

But I shall never forget.

You are, and always
will be
my first.

Not in a crude sense,
you never plucked this
flower
no matter how sweet
it may have looked.
Instead you tended to it.
and so I felt your love.

Not a disney love,
with songs and dances
nor a first love,
for that scar's been faded
long with time now.
Not even

kind love.

You were never cruel.
But I cannot say you never pained me.
You gave me what you would,
I could not ask for any more
than that
With you, I was safe.
And for that, I am
eternally grateful.

So, good bye my laughter,
my song,
my evolutionary fellow ;)
I pray we can meet again,
as travellers,
on the path of friendship.

When you look back,
if you look back,
please think of me well.
I shall always cherish our memories,
and if we can never again be entwined
in heartbeats,
soul,
or body
Let us be entwined here.

For me,
time will never age this.

ps. Purple forever.

I had a dream about you last night.
It made me scared to close my eyes again.

The dream was simple, but heart-wrenching.
You were the you I fell for.
Your smile made my heart flutter,
Your laugh made me join in,
Your words and hands felt right surrounding me.

I woke up to the same emptiness that I went to bed with.
I've been sleeping with a cave in my chest,
Wondering if I will ever see the light of day again.

I prefer reality though.

At least when I'm awake, I know what I feel is real,
However raw and awful the feeling is.
In dreams there is still this "other".
This sense that what I have won't last long.
That my hands aren't big enough to keep my heart
From spilling its life out into your hands.

These waves of pain and confusion are not something I'm used to.
My heart feels like a wall, holding back the angry sea as a storm comes in.
And with each break of the waves, my heart chips another piece.
Piece by piece, my heart is lost to the sea.
And isn't it funny how the sea is the same color as your eyes.

I scoop up the last armful of clothes from my drawer,
Look at my uncle sitting at my computer
my eyes screaming,"I'm done, that's it"
he nods his head, listening to my aunt on the other end of the phone
and playing with the settings of the security camera dad bought to spy on us.
I carry them into the hallway,
kick grandmas already half open door
drop them on the bed
and sort them out;
a pair of pants,
I lift the shirts from the Mexican midnight takeout box
insert the pants,
put the shirts back down
add another pile of shirts
and fit the socks and underwear along the side.
this is the third box
and it's done.
three boxes, a clothes basket, a backpack and a computer
and I feel like a hoarder, like I have far more than I need.

as I turn around I feel him wrap his arms around my neck
and ease his tear filled eyes onto my shoulder.
"I love you, Bubba"
he says, in a voice deeper than it should be
"I can deal with him,
but living without either of my brothers scares me"
I start crying, I can't hold back the tears
all the pain and suffering of eighteen long years
finally **** near over
and I almost start grabbing clothes and stuffing them back into the drawers.
I almost say
"I can wait six years for a life"
but I look into his eyes
and see that he's telling me not to stay
that his heart will be torn up
but he can make it through
he always has.
twelve years old and the strongest person I know.

we stand there embraced for a quarter hour
crying until we have no more tears
until we have let out all the anger and fear of the last nine years.

we stumble into the dark hallway
eyes red, swollen, and damp.
Nobody asks any questions
and we continue on with our day,
my entire life piled up on the far side of grandma's bed