I miss having shoulders
a right angle of skin and bone
nothing more
nothing less
I miss having shoulders
because it seems at some point I outgrew them
at some point my shoulders became an invitation
a ***** secret
a temptation
they teach us this in school
you can't show too much shoulder
lest some boy become too tempted
and I always scoffed at this
what is so ****** about a shoulder?
but then why is it that I feel so violated
when a man twice my size decides
this right angle of skin and bone
is his
to ******
roughly
as he whispers in my ear
why is it that I feel so defeated
when I yet again feel a man's hands on my body
uninvited
probing
trying to find something ******
about a right angle of skin and bone
why is it that even when I am fully clothed
men still feel entitled to touch me

I thought if I followed the two inch strap rule I was safe

I hold on so tightly to the ideas of people who will never love me
I think I'm afraid of what would happen if someone did

You've been nicer to me than any of the others
And I think that's why I keep you away

I can't tell if I'm punishing myself
Or if I'm protecting others

All I know is that
I am always
Alone

You shuffled in late
In a whirl of cologne and winter clothes
And I never know what you're thinking
But when you move your arms to mimic mine
I wonder if you're thinking about the space between them
And how a person about my shape and size might fit there

Even if I'm the one who moves first
I still feel like a shadow

And we sit like two lonely statues in the dim light
In my mind the room might as well be empty
For how much I care about the other figures in the dark
Twin pianos decorate the trembling air
Shaking
Quivering
Mirrored in the breathes I take
And in the movements of our restless feet

For people who are sitting so very still
The space between us spells chaos so fluently

Come hold my hand tightly
I'm nervous so it might be clammy
But it's probably drier than my eyes

Come place your lips on mine
They're tired of being patient
But they won't rush this moment

Come rest your head on my chest
And listen to my heart beat
It's pace is steadier than my breathing

Come hold me in your arms
They're stronger than mine
And I feel weak from holding my own for so long

Come whisper in my ear
I don't care what you say but be careful
I've never let someone this close before
Your breathe could either be
A gentle breeze or a hurricane gust
Try not to leave destruction in your path

I'm sad about what could have been
But not about what was

Maybe I did feel something
But I don't think it was love

I miss the times you felt like home
Though they were few and far

Perhaps there is a difference
Between what was there
And what I saw

I stay up late writing ****** poems
You wake up with the dawn

We're night and day
We're sun and rain

It's just the way we are

And maybe to think
We'd work together
Was taking things too far

If love is a drug
I'm going through withdrawal
Hook me up to an IV
And restore my vitals

Hurry, I'm fading
I'm desperate, I'm jaded
I can't stand being lonely
Won't someone come free me

I'm gasping for air
But there's no one around
In a room with no doors
I'm alone with the sound
Of choking on oxygen
That can't be found
Pick me up, I'm falling down

There's a fever inside of me
It's starting to build
I'm starting to shiver
More tears will be spilled

I look to the future and see myself still alone
No framed family photos to hang by the phone
I spend half my days alone in my bed
Rinse and repeat till I'm gone and dead

Hold me, I'm falling
Apart at the seams
I can't stop recalling
Your face in my dreams
These words I keep scrawling
What the hell do they mean?
Am I really as alone as I seem?

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take
But I still think maybe
Taking that shot was a mistake

I'm losing you either way
I just wish that you could stay
And that we would be okay

I guess I just want to say
I'm sorry

I live my life
Terrified of change
And haunted by permanence

I wouldn't mind losing sleep over you quite so much
If you were here to share the sleeplessness

There are better uses for these hours
Than lying alone in my bed

I imagine there's room
For both of us

Let's see

I'm left to wonder how these imaginary wounds will ever heal

But if they do will I have any proof that it was ever real

There's nothing to say
But that's okay
Silence will do for now

I am a very bad statue
My skin is not that thick
And though I pretend to be marble
I feel every stone and stick

I am a very bad statue
I hate being on display
I beg you, please, don't look at me
I wish you'd go away

I am a very bad statue
I am not a work of art
Sculptures should be neat and smooth
But I don't fit the part

I am a very bad statue
But one thing I've done right
A statue must not ever move
It's a sedentary life
I'm doing nothing
Going nowhere
I live a statue's life

I need to learn to stop striking matches
If I don't want a fire

I've had trouble being myself lately
it's always like playing a role
that I haven't rehearsed enough for
who am I?
really?
I think I've been too occupied with trying not to mess up
that I never introduced myself
shouldn't it be natural?
being one's self?
it doesn't feel that way
I coast through most of life
on autopilot
but sometimes I wake up
and think
where the hell am I?
did I miss my exit?
isn't it so strange to be a person?
everyone I've ever met
has an image of who I am
isn't it strange to think that I exist?
I'm a character in other peoples' stories
how odd
I'm barely a character in my own
perhaps I should ask them something about me
do you know me?
could you tell me something about me?
I don't think we've been properly introduced
I never was good at meeting people

I think it's getting bad again

I just want it to end

The veins in her eyelids look like lightning
And when she looks at you
You can almost hear the thunder

Take away my metaphors
Confiscate my words
Demolish my carefully constructed sentences
Cart me off to rehab
I'm thinking too much
I'm talking too much
"You need not say these things"
They say
And maybe they're right
Pump me full of sedatives
And leave me
In a pile of broken ideas
They were never meant to get out

If I get in the car
If I start driving
There's a distinct possibility
That I'll never stop

The urge to flee
Is haunting me
Fight or Flight?
Right?

I'm getting tired of fighting
Scratching, clawing, biting
Cause when I'm fighting myself
It doesn't ever help

Nothing helps
Nothing helps
Nothing helps

I used to like to write
when I was feeling bad
because there was something inside me
that needed to get out
but what do you do
when there is nothing inside you
and that is why you are feeling bad

Can I have one more kiss?*

He didn't wait for an answer
And when he pulled back
I felt a heaviness in my lungs
Breathless
Breathless
There was no rush of exhilaration
Just the sense that I could be drowning
I cried in the car on my way home
Wishing to expel the seas from my lungs
The saltwater drew paths down my cheeks
Onto my mouth
And though I thought that might cleanse them
I felt the whisper of another's lips on them
For the rest of the night

I smell salt whenever I think of you now

How many times
Have we likened the rain
To a Baptism?

I don't have an answer
But last time it rained
I stood outside
And let the drops slide down my face
Until my makeup ran
But I don't feel cleansed

Maybe the rain knows that I'm not Christian

By the time we fully experience the present
It has already become the past
So forgive my fears that this might not last