It's nothing new
I look at you
And look away
Just another day
That I can't find the strength to say

Anything

When I think about you
My thoughts take on a dark blue tint
Like looking through colored cellophane
Permanently washed out in the soft hues of twilight

Maybe it's fitting
I often worry that you might dwindle and fade
Well before your time
These years shouldn't be your twilight

There are some people
Who can't just be described with words
Sometimes they need colors
You were always amber
Sometimes they need temperatures
You were always pleasantly warm
Sometimes they need music
I could dance to your rhythm forever

I will never get used to how easily
People come and go
Transient
Never meant
To be held on to

I'll never get used to
Thinking of others
In such a fleeting manner
How you can boil a whole person
Down to a few choice encounters

I was never one for reading the abridged copy

I kept thinking it odd that you didn't call somebody closer to you
It didn't occur to me until it was too late that maybe you didn't have anyone
I'm sorry that I never properly said goodbye
I know you always looked at me as if I was somehow stronger
But the truth is that I was never very strong
I've spent the last 4 months pretending it was all a dream
But I saw you in my dreams last night
And you looked so happy
I've learned from my mistakes
I know that some smiles are fake
I think about you all the time, I hope you know
I always did, even when we didn't talk
I was trying to leave you room to grow
I didn't know
I'm sorry
I just didn't know

Maybe we're happier in my daydreams
Than we could ever be in reality

Who am I to ruin that
With the truth

I don't quite know why it is
That I feel a great sense of loss
On nights when I can't stay awake
Until the early hours of the next morning.
It isn't as if I would make use of the time.
I spend those hours mostly in quiet,
Sitting by myself in the darkness,
Doing nothing but existing.
Maybe that's enough.
A reminder that
I'm still alive.
Yet idle.

I'm writing
Partially because it's somewhat cathartic
Mostly because I'm afraid to go to sleep
I'm afraid of the demons that rise
Once I rid myself of all distractions
I'm afraid of the false hopes
That I might conjure in my dreams
I'm afraid that this is just one more
In a never ending parade of nights alone
Keenly aware of the empty space
In which another person would comfortably fit
But won't tonight
And maybe never will

I try not to look at the calendar
Or at the clock as I pass by
It's just another reminder
That I might be wasting my life away
Waiting for someone
Who never even thinks of me

Hey.
                                                            ­                                                 I miss you.
What's up?
                                                             ­                                                I miss you.
How are things?
                                                         ­                                                    I miss you.
Hope everything's well.
                                                           ­                                                  I miss you.
We haven't talked in a while.
                                                                ­                                             I miss you.
I'm sorry I'm bad at communicating.
                                                  ­                                                           I miss you.
I still think about how we used to be friends.
                                                        ­                                                     I miss you.
I was thinking that maybe we could try that again?
                                                          ­                                                   *I miss you.

My entire existence
Has been designed around
Inflicting the least amount of pain
But it seems that sometimes
I'm not very good at my job

Sometimes I feel like maybe
Somewhere along the way
Something went wrong

Like maybe I got damaged
In a way that
If I were a commodity
Sold at a department store
They would be compelled
To lower my price
Because I am no longer
In good condition

Most days this causes apprehension
But sometimes I remember
That there are people out there
Who would be happy to find
That blender they always wanted
Or a sweater in their favorite color
At a good discount
Even if the plastic was slightly chipped
Or the sleeve had a loose thread
Maybe this is the wrong way
To think about things
But for now it's all I've got

I feel so powerless
Like I'm watching it happen all over again
I know they say history repeats itself
But if it takes you too
I don't know what I'll do

I can't help but feel like I'd be right behind you

I've never been religious
But every so often
A song will come on
And it will make me believe
If only for a few minutes
That there's something worth
Believing in
As adamantly as any deity

she lays down the law
like she lays out her clothes
and the shade she paints her lips
is the same as the blood on her hands
heels clicking
like the cocking of a gun
she could eat you whole
and still have room for dessert

You've got girlfriend
That's okay
I'm too wrapped up in my own world
Anyway

My whole life is thunder
Anticipation before a storm
That may never come

The cruelest thing the world ever did to me
Was try to convince me that everyone was good

I've never been one to ask for help
I've always been the one
Who would rather strain a muscle
Or drop something on my toe
Than admit weakness

Now I wonder how I managed this far in life
Failing to understand the definition
Of the word
                                                                Strength



Ants can lift 20 times their own body weight
But even though it sometimes feels like it
I am not an ant.

Every message
Is just a collection of words
And all words are made up
Of the same 26 letters
So why is it
That some of them
Have the power to heal
And some are like daggers?

I always associated tears
With strong emotions
People cry when they are
Sad
        Frustrated
                            Angry
                                        Happy

But right now I feel nothing
And I think these tears must be confused
Because I'm devoid of strong emotions
I'm just hollow

                                                                                                  …and slightly wet

I'm not the daughter that I should be
But maybe that's okay
You're the strongest person I know
So much stronger than me
I think maybe you can handle a little more
Disappointment

You deserve so much better
Than you received
I wish I could give you the moon
But if I tried
I'd probably get lost among the stars
I'm sorry

I stumbled across a sentence today
And as soon as its meaning unfolded in my mind
I froze
And I felt my chest contract
Like suddenly being ****** underwater
And denied oxygen

                                                                                *What if he misses you too?

I like to think of myself as constant
Unmoving, like a tree
But, like a tree, I change with the seasons
And have very little claim to constancy

There are some songs
That if you catch me listening to them
By myself in the middle of the night
That's when you know
That I feel like a waterfall inside
Even if on the outside
I seem stagnant

I'm not doing so well
And by the looks of things
Neither are you
I have to wonder
If we got together
If that would help dissipate this pain
Or if yours and mine would just collide
And in a sea of fire
Consume us both

sometimes i try to stop breathing
i have no end game
no intent to hurt myself
but sometimes i put my head under water
and hold my breath until my lungs ache

but then there are the times
when my body stops breathing for me
i struggle/ taking quick/ ragged breaths
unable to make my lungs feel full
and this is when it feels like drowning
and all i can do is lay still
and feel the weight in my chest dragging me
                                                                ­                 d
                                                              ­                      o
                                         ­                                              w
                                                               ­                            n

it's strange how someone can feel empty
yet so heavy

And we drank cheap champagne out of paper cups
While we reminisced about things
That we had complained about while they were happening
And I looked at you from the corner of my eye
And wished you wouldn't go
But I know you are needed elsewhere

Your happiness means the world to me
Even if that means you have to leave

You've been looking at me
Like you don't think I'm real
And you know what?
I'm not even sure at this point

Film is absolutely an art form
And if you try to tell me any different
I will fight you with all I've got
But where some art forms
Like painting, sculpture, or writing
Exists to create something new
Something that previously didn't exist in our world
Film is different
In that it is dependent on finding beauty in what we already have
I think that's why it's so important to me
I've spent so much of my life hiding in imaginary worlds
I need to remind myself
That there is plenty of magic in this one as well.

I remember all those times
That I opened my mouth
To say something
Whether it be a random observation
A helpful comment
Or a joke
Only to be interrupted
By you
Saying the very words
That were frozen on my tongue

I still wonder if it means anything

Hey, here's a crazy idea
You know that thing
That happens when we're together
Where the air gets thick
And the tension is actually tangible?
What do you say we do something
                                                      a­bout
                                                           that?

I have a few ideas…

I want to scream at you to let me go
I'm not worth being held on to
But even as the words drop from my lips
My hand can't seem to drop yours from my grasp

I want to tell you to run
And never spare another glance my way
But even as I urge you to turn away from me
I can't seem to tear my eyes from your face

I want to warn you that I'm no good
And that I'll end up ruining everything
But even as I ask you to cleanse yourself of me
I can't bare the thought of washing the smell of you from my sheets

I want, no, -need- you to forget about me
And never send a word my way again
I know you are better off without me in your life
And at least I'll have my memories of you to keep me warm

It's hard to admit to someone
That you think that they
Are the coolest person you've ever met
When you've spent your entire life
Learning to never
Lean on someone too much
Because they always end up
Letting you fall