How do you say goodbye to someone
That you never really had to begin with?

I can't help but feel like I am close to death
I can't help but feel like I'm wasting the life I have left

I used to walk without seeing where I was going
For fear that I would meet someone’s eye
And they wouldn’t like what they saw

                      I used to hesitate to open my mouth
                                  For fear that what I had to say
                       Might make people think less of me

I used to try to take up as little space as I could
To leave room for people more important than I

                               I used to pretend I was a ghost
I used to float through life only halfway present
                  Always observing, never participating

I used to

I’ve grown so tired of being apologetic for merely existing

                  I meet peoples’ eyes when I walk now
                       And if they don’t like what they see
                                                             ­     ***** them

I try harder to say what’s on my mind
And people who don’t appreciate it
Can deal with it

I take up as much space as I need to be comfortable
Because I realize now that my comfort is not a reason to feel guilty

I am starting to live life for the first time and it feels so hopeful
I can feel the ghost dwindle every day
Maybe, one day, I might be a whole person
                                                          ­       **Maybe

I don’t like that I’ve started measuring my time
In terms of days that I see you
And days that I don’t

How did I let myself
Become so invested
In someone who doesn’t even know
That I hear their voice in every song
And see their face in every dream

I guess maybe
Our friendship
Meant more to me
Than it did to you

I guess maybe
I should be used to that

Tonight was the first time I cried over you
It was nice outside and I just wanted to lay on the grass
And get absorbed into the ground
On the ride home I put on songs that I knew would make me cry
Like a doctor expertly re-breaking a bone
So it will cause less permanent damage
It's better when I'm the one inflicting it anyway
I could never bear to view you as the cause of pain

I saw you watching my car as I drove away
And wondered if you wished I'd stay

Sometimes it's hard to tell
If I'm actually okay
Or if this is just a pause
Like the silence left
Between songs
On a particularly sad album