when i entered class this morning
my face was wet from the rain

when i left this afternoon
it was wet with tears

it's what happened in the middle
that i'm a little foggy on

It's nothing new
I look at you
And look away
Just another day
That I can't find the strength to say

Anything

I've forgotten how to speak
How to write
How to type
How to communicate what I'm feeling
When I'm sat alone at night
All these thoughts swirling around my head
Trying to get out
But they get trapped by the dam
That I've built behind my mouth
My fingers break
One by one
With every keystroke that they make
And suddenly
My pens are dry
And my hands start to shake
And just when I start to think
I might be getting somewhere
My alarm goes off
It's just a dream
In real life I'd never dare
To say the things I've been thinking
Almost every day
The things that you learn you must never say
Because if you do
If for just one second you were free
That's when you become a threat to our society
You know the how the saying goes,
"Freedom is never free."
The price we pay more often than not
Is our personalities
We sell our souls to men in suits
In return for safety
My heart may beat
My lungs may fill
But am I really me?

my mother asked me what my radio show theme was this week
and I told her it was songs that I like to drive through the mountains to
she laughed at me
"how often do you drive through the mountains?"
"what an oddly specific theme"
she doesn't know that I spent an hour driving in circles last night  at 1 am
because I wanted nothing more than to disappear
she doesn't know that every time I get in my car
the chances of me not coming back increase a little more

when I think about going to work
my lungs collapse
I think each time I cross that threshold
I lose a piece of myself
that I'll never get back
I long to work for a florist
because I think they must be gentle people
who understand that the world is a beautiful place
and I think I need that

my father took away my matches
so now all I have is a rubber band

I've hollowed myself out it seems
perhaps unintentionally
I feel at peace among the mountains
I'm okay with being a valley

someday the rains will fill me
and I won't be so empty anymore

Why is it that I coast through most days
In a haze
But then at night
My mind's ablaze?

I am the leaves falling
Through the October sky
Gracefully accepting
A fate I did not decide

I am the moon as a cloud
Moves to cover my face
It doesn't count as hiding
If I was forced in this place

I am the birds fleeing
From the season of cold
Avoiding the inevitable
Searching for a new home

I am the wind as it sweeps
Through the forests
Invisible until someone
Feels my presence first

And I am the feeling
That you get late at night
You don't know what's wrong
But nothing feels right
And you're too nervous to try
To turn on the light

sometimes I just **** things up

but sometimes it feels like every time
I guess I can't make up my mind
If I want to make you mine
I'll learn my lesson
In time

I know
We'll be okay
If only I could learn
How to mean what I say
Can I ask you about today?

Sometimes I just **** things up

All the clocks in my house are wrong
I check different ones
Depending on my mood
The one in the living room when I'm feeling optimistic
"It's only been 5 minutes. He'll respond."
The one above the stove when I'm feeling practical
"It's been five and a half hours."
The one at my wrist when I've lost hope
It's arms haven't moved in weeks
Time always seems to stop when I'm waiting for you

I've seen the constellations across your arms
And I know the stories they tell
I thought I saw Cassiopeia the other day
But I guess I was wrong

Tracks
Not the kind left by gulls at the beach
Or dogs with wet paws
These were left by hard times and desperate measures
I wish I could wipe them away
But they aren't so easily undone

You weren't looking for salvation
Just an escape
By the faraway look in your eyes
I guess you found it

I just wonder what you'll do
When your retreat becomes a prison

Everything feels like it's crashing.
The director, thinking himself clever,
Has slowed down time
To show every detail of the impact.
I'm stuck,
In the same moment of disaster,
For an eternity.
Honestly?
Someone fire him please.
He's not that clever.
And I want my life back.

Netflix wouldn't work today.

He texted me. But not when I needed it.

The place I work makes me feel dead inside.

The ceiling fan was just a little too loud.

There's this pressure in my head.

I can't focus on anything.

I couldn't get to sleep. Again.

I didn't want to wake up. Again.

The people at school don't like me.

All I have time for is school work.

My degree is going to be useless.

Crowds. Crowds. Crowds.

A lady yelled at me at work.

Sensory overload.

I wanted to tear at my head.

I cried instead.

I can't stop thinking.

I can't stop.

I can't.

I.

the energy of all the things I'm too afraid to say
pulses inside my body
I am electricity connected to dead fingers
I am an incomplete circuit
for each decomposing extremity
a cold and hard letter left un-depressed
a barren alphabet of plastic
missed opportunities
my mouth was sewn shut long ago
and now
one by one
my fingers break
and I am mute once more

If I stop thinking of you as the destination
And just enjoy the journey…
Maybe that's the secret to happiness

I'll memorize the crinkles in your forehead
Like lines on a map
When my mix tape runs out of songs
I'll listen to your voice instead
When it gets cold at night
And I don't want to roll up the windows
I'll hold your hand

Even if we were only blown together
Like fallen leaves
For a brief amount of time
For that moment
I was yours
And maybe you were mine

I don't know where we're going
I don't even know we're we've been
But as long as the wind keeps blowing
Let's keep following the wind

People tend to get the wrong idea about me
Thinking I'm competent, functioning, well adjusted
And I think that's because
My particular brand of self destruction
Is more or less invisible
Unless someone really cares enough to look
And they rarely do

Sometimes I fall victim
To the Grand Cliche
When I sit awake at night
Listening to the sound of the crickets
Provide backing vocals
In the summertime
In the sweet summertime
And I think to myself
That somewhere far away
You're probably doing the same thing
Listening to songs that make you feel alive
And soaking up the night air
Maybe listening to the crickets as well
And in that way
Maybe
You aren't quite so distant
*Strange how the night moves

I think I'm doing pretty well
At hiding how it hurt
That even though
We haven't been together in months
You made plans with someone else
On the day that was supposed to be mine

We used to be so close
Where did all this distance come from?

And for a few days at least
My heart was painted on the walls
It was nice to be reminded
That I exist as something
Other than pen strokes and stapled pages

As the countdown starts
Pairs begin to form
Bodies pressed close
Liquor on their breath
Maybe your eyes will meet
From across the room
And time will slow down
Or maybe it will accelerate
Become exhilarating
Bottles clinking together
As your lips meet
The ball has dropped
And with it, it feels like, your stomach
Your heart racing
Maybe you and she will part
And share one last glance
Before separating forever
Perpendicular lines
Only meant to meet once
Or maybe
Just maybe
She will smile at you in just the right way
And you won't mind feeling like you're falling
It feels better to fall

I never missed you so much
Until I was sitting on the bleachers
Listening to a band sing about love
And all I could do was pretend you were next to me
So I could reach for your hand as the music swelled
I'd give up forever to touch you

Somehow each song is about you
And the band has become the narrator of our story
That hasn’t even begun yet
I wish I could take back the music
And stop hearing your voice in every lyric
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

Even more I wish that you were here
In a presence greater than just in my mind
I want to believe that you are thinking about me
Because somehow I let everything remind me of you
I just want you to know who I am

I never wanted to be a cliche
But something about you makes it okay

I keep writing these words
And, like yelling into a pillow
It's somewhat cathartic
But I can't help but be dissatisfied
At the lack of practical application
No one can hear my cries
Or maybe no one is listening
Regardless
This changes nothing

I woke up sad today.
It was one of those mornings that just begs you to pull the covers over your head and go back to sleep.
But I didn't do that.
I forced myself into a vaguely vertical position.
I managed to not fall while going down the stairs.
I cringed as I walked barefoot across the cool kitchen floor.
And I drank a protein shake that tasted like fake chocolate and coffee.
I took some vitamins.
I hugged my arms close to me because it was chilly and I was wearing a t shirt.
I went back upstairs to get dressed.
I glanced sideways at my bed from across the room.
But I didn't get back into it.
I put on my most comfortable jeans and a sweater that makes me feel safe.
I put on a pair of boots.
I removed my cat from my bed so that I could close my bedroom door.
And I did not get back into bed.

I'm sorry for realizing that I deserve
Someone who's face lights up when they see me
And who makes me believe that I'm worth that light
But mostly I'm sorry that that person isn't you
Because I really wanted it to be, I swear
But  you just aren't

I shouldn't be selfish
It seems like you need me
Just as much as I need you right now
But I can't seem to make myself
Knock down the barriers I've built
To let you in
I don't want to leave you in the rain
But the truth is
My roof is leaking
And it's just as wet inside
I keep peering at you through the fogged up window
Our eyes will meet for a second
And then I'll lose you in the seemingly endless haze
This storm has been going on for years
And for the longest time
When I would look outside
I would see nothing
Nothing but the rain
Now your eyes beckon to me
But I no longer remember where the door is
I'll stare through this window
Until you smash through it with a stone
Or until you turn away
And disappear into the woods
And leave me alone once again

The irony of course
Is that these lyrics
Are speaking of
The very thing
That the music
Is helping me evade

*Sleep

Every few days
It feels like the end of the world
But somehow
It always ends up okay
I'm not sure how much longer
I can take this vicious back and forth
Between neutrality and disaster
And it feels like I have
As much control over this cycle
As I do over the phases of the moon
Or the ebb and flow of the tides

Maybe predicting it
Is as good as it's going to get

There are lots of songs about surviving heartbreak
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how getting a bad grade
Doesn't define my worth

There are lots of songs about letting go
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how sometimes
It is okay to feel overwhelmed and lost

There are lots of songs about moving on
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how messing up at work
Does not mean that I am incompetent

There are lots of songs about unrequited love
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how sometimes failure
Is impossible to avoid, and that's okay

There are lots of songs about forgiveness
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how living
Sometimes feels like suffocating, but it won't forever

There are lots of songs about loving others
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about learning to love myself
Because I'm having some trouble
And I need some help

I kept thinking it odd that you didn't call somebody closer to you
It didn't occur to me until it was too late that maybe you didn't have anyone
I'm sorry that I never properly said goodbye
I know you always looked at me as if I was somehow stronger
But the truth is that I was never very strong
I've spent the last 4 months pretending it was all a dream
But I saw you in my dreams last night
And you looked so happy
I've learned from my mistakes
I know that some smiles are fake
I think about you all the time, I hope you know
I always did, even when we didn't talk
I was trying to leave you room to grow
I didn't know
I'm sorry
I just didn't know

Sleepless nights and long drives
Are not enough time
To make me choose
Between the two of you
If I had to pick today
I'd probably just run away
I have nothing to offer either of you

Six
The number of classes we've had together
Five
The number of months until you graduate
Four
The number of times I've tried to say something
Three
The number of times I've really cried over you
Two
The number of weeks until I finally make a move
One*
The number of people who've ever really made me feel this way

The knowledge that you're hurting
Sits like an ember in my ribcage
Slowly simmering away
Next to vital organs
I try to douse it with tears
But it looks like I'm crying gasoline

Sometimes the space between us
Vibrates with the words we aren't saying
Perhaps that's not an accurate description
Maybe it's more like waves upon a shoreline
Gentle at times, at others forceful
But
        Always
                        Present

Some­times I wonder
Which one of us is the moon in this analogy
Or does it not matter?

Lately I've been waking from my dreams
More unsettled than if they had been nightmares
I'm haunted by the shade of your eyes
As they reflect the fluorescent lights above
I can't shake the phantom feeling
Of your hand perfectly interlocked with mine
And sometimes when I sit down
I am struck by the fact that you are not next to me
Because it feels wrong

I leave room for you wherever I go
I just wanted you to know