................

For you my love the river bends,
and monsoon rain abruptly ends

Trees one sagging, lean toward sky
in case, per chance,  you happen by

For you my dear,
the babbling brook quiets itself
in hopes you mistake it for a majestic stream

while dandelions stand on end
to appear as sunflowers
in the oft chance
that your gaze will fall upon petals

For you my sweet,
even the crescent moon embellishes
so as to seem nearly full
to attract your momentary glance

while winter waves
warm themselves
to tempt you
to dance
and splash among them

But you, my love, notice only me,
and I my love, only you
for in our world,
there are only two
No matter what the
world will do

In the end, they were all self-inflicted.
It was a just question of who I asked to hold the knife |

I wish I could blame you

for the cracking of my heart

that left me languid, and gasping for air

I wish I could blame you

but I am that one that drew you in to my  syringe

and injected you so deeply

so deeply


I knew the risks

don’t we all,



when we abdicate the throne of our heart to another king or queen

and believe that some one else can make us whole


aren’t we the fool?

and then we protest the way we are ruled

and gnash our teeth when they decide to seek another kingdom
or to rule another secretly; one that’s not protesting


I wish I could blame you

for wearing the crown I gave to you

for becoming the tyrant I allowed you to be


I could recount every deed in great detail

all the crimes against my heart

and wave my righteous indignation like a flag


but it’s not the drug, it’s the one that pushes it into their veins that is at fault

as I pushed you

so deeply

I look for you (sometimes);

not often,  not for very long, (but sometimes)

it’s hard to find someone (that doesn’t know they're lost)

And though I know you're not where I’m looking,
(I look anyway)

For a glimpse, a glimmer in the eye of stranger
(that perhaps I’ll recognize)

I’m not lonely (often)

And I’m grateful (always)

I won’t rush you (ever)

But I’m here

(when you’re ready)

to find me

I know brave one.

I know 11 betrayed your trust

I know 12 broke your body

I know 13 cracked your heart

I know brave one.

I know how hard you try even so.

I know how you wipe your nose and your eyes and straighten your shirt to look less on the outside how you feel on the inside.

I know how hard you work to stop your lower lip from quivering when you feel emotions that are bigger than you are, that could fill the sky.

I know brave one; I know.

I know how hard you try to be strong; sometimes so hard that you convince yourself that the angry person in the mirror is you.

I know how cruel the world can be and how your soft petals have been torn from your rose colored heart

I know my love.

I know that you can’t see me right now

I know that you  you can’t hear my voice

But I’m right here beside you.

My arm is around your shoulder.

You are not alone.

You’ve never been alone.

Even in the darkest moments where they tore at your hair, your clothing, your soul

I know you think they took things from you that you can’t get back.

I know.

It’s ok brave one.

There’s no shame here.

No need to hide your face, to bury your tears

I know the places you’ve been, the things you’ve done

I know everything you’ve done.

And I love you all the more for it

I know the wall you’ve built.

I know the chains you’ve fashioned.

I know.

I know the love that you’re looking for, to make you feel better, to feel whole.

I know how you long for it, crave it.

And I know that the more you look for it the further away it seems to be.

I know.

You are not alone.  

Each of our stories is different, and yet they are the same.

Our young hearts have all been twisted.

Our soft parts have all been scarred.

I wish that I could scoop you up in all those moments and hold you close to me no matter what they were doing

You are brave my little one.

Brave to have come here at all, to have agreed to live this life, to take these beatings for us all.

And  if you could see yourself clearly you’d cry at the depth of your own beauty and
Shade your eyes from the shimmer of your light.

You’d be devastated by your own depth and strength

You’d be even braver than you already are.

I know brave one.

And one day perhaps you will love you the way that I do, for I am you.  

And I love you Unconditionally.

|

Erstwhile, the morning came a new.  
Yet you, in your self imposed blindness,
failed to see the brilliance of the sunrise.
This being the lessor of two tragedies,
as the light within you, both brighter
and eternal remains equally unnoticed.

Perhaps, I said.
But first, there's something
I must ask of you.  

Wrap one arm across your chest and embrace
the shoulder with the scar you  hide.  
With the other, place your  hand,
ever so gently, on your belly,
too soft though you think it is

Whisper now, but not for me, or any other
Just for you.  Whisper what you've been
withholding from yourself these many years

'I love you'  and not the you that you pretend to be, or the you you think someone else will love.  

The you, that is so delicate and beautiful, a tiger and a lamb.  The you who only wants you to notice the way your laughter sounds like sunshine,  the you that doesn't understand why you give yourself away to everyone else.  The one who loves you most.

'I love you' to the only one that if you truly love, will set you free to chase the wind and drink the rain from the sky with abandon.

Love the you that has suffered by your side with every choice, compelled by fear, that lead you places you knew better than to go, following beautiful creatures into the dark

Please, embrace yourself now,  give the love that you deserve, that you've spilled like wine along your path but never sipped.  

And when you have, you'll find me out beneath the stars lying in the grass.

......................

.............

I'll drink you down like violets in bloom
Swallow you in colors,
tangled up in sheets and love
scent like *** and gently swollen
You're too much for everyone,
but not for me
never for me

I found me, as you found you
the lost element
on the periodic table
U² and I, when combined,
Brighter than phosphorus ablaze,
Slow like Mississippi mornings,
Sweet like sweat and that so soft
skin where your cream lingers on us both
Entwined like origami
Folded in tandem

Your hand, on top of mine
On top of yours
On top of you
inside of me
Till my end
and your beginning
is your end and
our beginning never ends

Clothes scattered on the hotel floor
Slow heat in the waning light
afternoon shadows dancing lazily

no need to clean yourself off
as we are just getting started
and beside, I will clean you
when we finish, which we never will
just simply start again at sunset's rise

I love you madly, want you deeply
But I will never need you, nor you me
As we are guests eternal,
not prisoners of this love

You tell the story of my body
With words borrowed from my soul
And never with the lights off
Why would we need the lights off

And how sweet it is
to be the smile on your face,
the moisture tween your legs
the throbbing of both your *** and heart

And how you laugh and squirm and shake
When I continue to consume
you after your cloud has rained
while I am lying in your storm

If ever there's a hurricane
We will stand inside the eye
But never break each other's gaze
Until the world with us is done
Then off to the infinity
Where we will
leave our clothing
on the floor
forever

I don’t know how I never noticed
the fairy dust, that now I can so clearly see
sprinkled gently across your cheeks
Along your neck, and dancing down
across your breast, to your edges
round and soft, reflecting light
beneath your heart

Some how it seems, for so very long
You hid your wand, behind your back
In places that I couldn't see
Yet making magic all the while

so I finally understand, how it is
that so many wishes wished came true
while walking hand in hand beside you
summer sun or winters snow both
having the same glimmer that I now so clearly recognize, sparking in your eyes

Dearest,

It seems the front is more dangerous in these waning days of spring and talks of peace were premature; I know yet not when I'll return

I long for moments under the two-trunk oak near farmer's bend where we spent many an afternoon.
And I'm embarrassed to say that I've thought of having taken your dress up above your waist on more than one occasion to distract myself from mortar rounds and far away cries in the darkness

Tomorrow it seems we are going to see the worst of it, at least that's what I've heard, though rumors, like ghosts, dance among the battlefields so I can't be certain

Dearest, I've loved you since you were eight years old, wearing your sister's shoes two sizes bigger than you feet could fill and freckles from cheek to cheek and I love you ever more still each day

I've not heard from you in so very long, the silence is nearly unbearable, though the mail has been unpredictable and I fight to stay positive.  I pray these words reach your eyes  with haste and this kiss your lips without.

Ever yours,

----------------------------/

For a thousand days
And for a thousand more
If she could not recall

That she was the warmth of the world
The light that shone upon Birthday mornings,
lazy afternoons, and first time meetings of lovers yet to be

Would she not still be the sun?
Would she not still be as bright?
Would she not still be the brilliant possibility of tomorrow rising?

What then, if the sun forgot?
It would still be the Sun

As it is with you

I made you something you’re not.

I made you sweeter than you were, like summer rain or springs’ blossom.

I’ve made you something you weren’t.

I made you honest.

I made you the victim of circumstance.

I made you beautiful inside and out.  

And if the light revealed cracks in your plaster, I turned them off.

I made you something you’re not.

I made the worst parts of you my fault.

I made your responsibilities into something they’re not; I made them mine.

I made your intentions pure.

I made you kind.  

I built an illusion and let myself believe it to be real.

You let me make you these things; knowing that you were not.

You could not help yourself; I understand.

I taught you the notes to play to make my heart open, even though the song was never yours.  

I made you play it and you obliged.

I made you something you’re not.

I made you into the lover, pushing past the furthest boundaries.

I made you good for me.

I made you right for me.

I made the lies you told into truth.

I dismissed the warnings.

I dismissed reality in favor of the most compelling of dreams and hid in the shadow of the nightmare to stay asleep.

I made you into something you’re not.

Perfect for me.

Kind to me.

Honest with me.

I made you into my ocean and swam your depths.

I made you into my safe harbor, even as the waves battered my boat at your dock.

I let you hope that I would swim too deep, that I would get caught on an ancient shipwreck, moored to you forever.

The darkest part of me was hoping for the same; for choice to be removed, to be bound to you.

Intentionally unwittingly.

I let you take from me.

I let you drink from me until it was no longer safe; and knowing it was no longer safe, your sunk your teeth deeper and you drank deeper still.

I don’t blame you.

I am slowly waking up.

I made you into something you’re not.

I am to blame.

I loved you; I love you.

I loved and love the you that there isn’t, that there never was.

I made you into something you’re not.

I made you into something you never were.

I made you into something you will never be.

I made you mine.

The one you didn’t get
But I know you always wanted

I am unconstrained

Tearing my shirt at the chest,
the sun, rippling and warm upon my flesh,
if I am too much, too raw to see,
avert your gaze, lest go blind


I am Undefinable

For I am the poet and the muse
the stamen and the *****,
both sword and soft center
lucid, vivid and lusciously alive


I am unrelenting

Though darkness wields a mighty sword,
it's no match for the golden light
streaming from beneath my skin
in energetic symphony


I am unencumbered

No lovers mischief or betrayal
can cast even the smallest shadow
upon the sun in which I stand
For mine-own's the truest love of all



I am unclothed

All apology in tatters on the floor
Just the scent of sweat and *** and light
Sweet and gentleness unending,
painted boldly, scars and all
with brushes fashioned from the stars


I am untethered

And none but me shall shape this tale
the architect of my design
will is free and has grown strong
no serpents tongue may guide my way


I am unending,

Powered blue and lily white
I wear my scarlet letter like a crown
chartuse center, vivid and soaring,
Sipping moonlight from my hand


I am unafriad, as of yet unwritten

And should you so choose,

I am you

Gripping tightly, my left hand ‘round the sharp blade of a knife
while gently caressing your hair with the other

I’ve tried so hard to hold on to you without losing myself

I’ve twisted and turned reality, railing against the tide
desperately searching for a way
a way to make something not what it actually is
like an alchemist off the rails, high on vapor

And yet finally, with the futility of it all sublimely amusing
the pain finally searing beyond my ability to tolerate,
I must finally come to terms with the meaning of goodbye

Not goodbye as in ‘maybe someday’
or goodbye as in ‘until we meet again’
Goodbye with a capital G, with finality, with certainty

And not the first goodbye, or one of many, rather
The last goodbye, the one from which there is no return trip

I loved you as best I could, and with abandon
But in the end, I must choose myself

I must choose my own life, and if that means killing
the fetus of our metaphoric future, then so be it

There can be nothing left.  Scorched earth.  
No glimmer of hope, not a grain of sand
We aren’t tragic heroes, we’re just tragic

I won’t turn back as I walk away,
even so briefly, to look in your direction

I won’t unintentionally find my way
onto your street for an accidental encounter
I won’t consciously unconsciously keep you hanging
to ease my fear

Find a lover or don’t
Find another, don’t
Either way I choose me this time, for the first time. Ever.

Not just good day sir,

Goodbye

Why must I make my poem rhyme
she scoffed as though it was a crime

Seven and three quarter years
beneath her belt, she held back tears


Because, the teacher slowly said,
it's how it's done and how it's read

Now finish please and when you're done
off to recess quickly run


'But what if what they've done is wrong'
her body small, but head so strong

The foot she stomped sized merely three
her ribbon tied so carelessly


What ever do you mean my child?
And what is making you so wild?

A poem rhymes a bird it flies
but not a chicken, though hard it tries


Now tell me what's got in to you?
What is it that you want to do?

What are these words of which you speak?
That make you make the floor boards creek?

That make raise your voice to me?
The one who knows how things should be!


The little girl walked to her chair
Her poem waiting for her there

And tried to see the paper clear
though far she could, could not see near


And when she spoke her words aloud,
she stood so tall, and looked so proud

'My teacher is the greatest, the best I've ever had, I love her and she is  the nicest and most smart'
        the young girl cried with all her heart.


The teachers eyes welled up with tears
having spent a hundred thankless years

Wiping noses and reprimanding,
with parents always so demanding


And looking round the empty room,
it suddenly lost all it's gloom

She picked up the girl and held her near,
' To hell with all the rules my dear'

And from her apple took a bite,
and said I was wrong and you were correct

And my boat finally settles

It floats listlessly but without disruption

I lay, eyes closed, sleepless

four daiquiris deep, You call

Four daiquiris deep you disappear

And they return

then there was this moment I realized
I no longer knew what you would have said
given the situation

what expression would have donned your cheeks,
what tone your voice would have taken

and being neither happy or sad about it
(for it is hard to say which would have been appropriate)

I focused more intently on the sound of my own voice
and was pleased to find I had much to say in your absence

Yes it's how I love you,
and how I always will.

unmistakably, unequivocally, unapologetically certain

Make angels of butterflies
and diamonds of stars
and you will see that you
are already an alchemist

Turn wind-song to symphony
and rain drops to honey
and you will grasp that you
are already a magician

Make gold from the sunlight
and silver from moon
and you will know that you
are already a sage

Turn silence to reverence
and  solitude to strength
and you will sense that you
are already a prophet

But

Make lessons of missteps
and laughter of regret
and you will be welcomed
to walk among the gods

Because I know

There is nothing that you would not give

We are the poets

The lovers, the fighters,
searching for truth, gasping for air
Tearing down walls, dancing through sorrow
Working our way through collective pain while standing on the edge of the cold hard mouth of the world


We are the dreamers

Pen in hand, heart on sleeve
Laying ourselves bare, tattooed with words
hearts beating in iambic pentameter;
wounds bleeding ink
Almost broken, nearly ****** yet driven by the indefatigable resilience to heal, syllable by syllable


We are the brave

Shining light in our darkest rooms
Stories of our catastrophic follies
Revealing in verse our deepest secrets, our greatest fears
Standing naked and wet on ice-cold tile in front of an unforgiving mirror yet unwilling to break the stare


We are misunderstood

Hopeless romantics in broken-hearted clothing
Teary eyed but vision clear
Laughing together, crying alone
Gnashing our teeth but holding steady our hand on the rudder, gently guiding the soul of the world


We are the witness and the witnessed

When the story of the world has been told
And the sun has set
a record of all that we have written will be discovered
And in that sacred text, the story of just how inexpressibly beautiful every single moment of our lives have been

We are the poets - never. stop.

IF I allow myself to perceive even the softest of sounds
so ever fleeting and far flung
I can hear that which would otherwise, unobserved,  
have ceased to exist

And how untrue a life it would be,
if not for the quietest moments
when silence is nearly upon us yet escapes, hat in hand, through the open window
through which the gentle sound
of a mighty sparrow
discovers me discovering myself

and either observer or observed
how we yearn to find the sacred
without seeing that it is in front of us
like so many sparrow songs that go unheard,
lost under the din of thought -
perfectly knowing nothing of that would otherwise have shown us great glory and places which we would never see. -

Yet I, sitting ginelrgly on the edge of my soft white comforter
know that in the sound is the entire universe
summed up in a single wave.

This, once again, is that moment
Whence so many times before
my shadowed self, so cleverly disguised
sets fire to progress
Preferring to feed at the trough of repression
Than to unwind the painful nature of the past

Afraid to see myself,

unfiltered

In the unyielding light of the day

and instead, choosing to destroy lest I take honest inventory


Yet, this IS that moment, delightfully so
For somehow, by mere recognition
it is my shadow that is no longer disguised,

but instead,

laid bare

By the light of the day,

and I, struck by the contrast,
put down the match
and stand comfortably beside myself
ready to build a bridge, rather than
burn one down

many sunrises have past and finally
the demons have found their rest such that
I can once again appreciate-

the shattered glass, blood red wine
MDMA on the patio
You, before you broke into a thousand pieces
Brilliant sunrises
forgotten revelry
All those naked people we never really knew
Tearing at ourselves
Beauty, purple like bruises  
Black out curtains
gnashing teeth
nail torn skin
Losing you, finding myself
All before the appetizers arrived


At 99, my grandmother told me the only regrets she had
were the things she never did

she would have loved all the tourniquets and lace

I've seen such eyes before
the way you look at me
curious, enticed, enamored

you are young and beautiful
but I am not for you
nor you for me
we will need to just leave it at that

Such exquisite irony

that a will so free,

makes choices

that cost so much

And yet,

all the beauty lies

in the will to try yet again,

to do better

A soft glow emanates from the place where
there is no longer you and no longer me
yet brilliant shards of light, slowly fading,
still buzz and hum  

Never would I trade your memory
in exchange for hole left by your loss
as I found this morning, by my bedside
a needle and some iridescent thread

And being reasonable,
I can only assume
you left for me whilst sleeping
that which I needed
to knit my life anew

I taught you too well the siren song that wins my heart

You were a fastidious student,
now as the piper, play each note to perfection

But try as a I might,
I can not convince myself to mistake your song for love
to follow where you lead

I can not unsee the cracks in the plaster
that show through in the daylight

Or betray myself once more,
as I have so many times in the past

Though I appreciate how hard you’ve tried
This is where I must leave you

This was your plan; never mine
to leave me here in my divine so
sure that I would find my own way out

You waited though, at your own peril,
till I proved to be sure footed and fastly stead

Though I missed more than I could bear
I find you still now everywhere

Two lovers canoodling in the woods along the path whilst I run past,

They, embarrassed, disentangle

Having canoodled my way into conundrum so many times, and wishing that I'd known that which I now do,

I would love to tell them to not
let
    go,

instead, (hold tighter still)

For I am but a stranger, anonymous, fleeting, passer by

And there are far too few moments of (embrace)
in dappled morning sunlight  breath
                                       Beside tall oak trees,
to let a few
            foot
                 steps create, so much alarm so as to
lose each
other

I would tell them

when beauty's found, no matter where,
hold on, gaze fixed-and-deep
into its eyes, and declare
that this life time, there will be no interruptions;
steadfastly defend the moment;
ignore all else that beckons,
as so much will
phantoms all
and take arms against that which would otherwise intrude

No passerby, or gilded path should draw you from this place,
this
depth

you must not allow that to come to pass

For, in the final accounting, years from now perhaps, the two lovers will lament having disregarded a moment enraptured, for but a passerby -

I would love to tell them all of this,

but I’ve long since run passed them,

just a passerby

Like so many before,
sure that you will resist
when the tide draws high

Once across the line,
too deep the swells
and how quickly resolve weakens
in the face of desire

It isn’t wine that you are drinking whilst they prey like dancers, on your unique brand of insecurity as you give yourself over now oh so willingly as if to say ‘I am no more than what you tell me that I am or that you want me to be’

Until you are drained of all that is you, and left floating beside your potential

When they call, and they will, simply turn left and head toward the shore on the higher ground

The view there is quite lovely

You are that moment

Betwixt blinding light
and deafening sound

That moment

Suspended mid air, particles standing on edge

You are the silence swarmed with anticipation,

Ephemeral, yet eternal

A moment, a lifetime,
how different are they, I can’t know

So bright, beautiful,
Dangerously so,

and then, the inevitable boom

Though I’ve not yet met you,

I am here

in between the flash and the bang
where you’ll find me