I hate how
Every now and then
You remind me you're there
without me. Do you know
how hard, how impacting
your metaphorical slap was?
Your hand print still daubed on my skin
the only part of you that remains.
You faded away, in my mind,
for a while. But
every now and then
when that song plays
your image is mangled in the melody
fighting to escape my awfully messed up mind
and your presence in the lyrics
harms the harmonies.
When the morning comes
we go our separate ways
but you're still pacing round my mind
with nothing else to do
no one else to see
I realise I'm just lonely.

sometimes i become so sad,
that all i want to do is sit on the creaky bathroom
tiles
and cry until i heave and hiccup like a
lonely child.
i will be newborn and ugly,
and i will roll in the earth to become whole
again.
i can feel my veins exploding,
and i can only hope they’re kaleidoscopes,
catching lights of leaves i haven’t seen,
and oceans i haven’t yet tried to
drown in.
my legs are tired. i need to stop
running to somewhere which is never there.
somehow, these are always about you.
but you’ll never know.
i’d rather set my veins

Free.

Forgive me for my passion. I feel so stupid to feel so much, so deeply. Abashed, embarrassed, shamed by a feeling that so many seek and never find: love. And I've got too much of it to give, and no one wants all of it.

Forgive me for my sweetness, my purity of thought. No one wants idealism mixed with such bitter truth. No one wants to see the ugly realities of life through such tender eyes.

Forgive me my simple admiration, adoration, intensity. No one wants to be worshiped with such devotion and selflessness. No one wants to be so loved without reason.

Forgive me for my undivided attention and careful agreement. No one wants to be listened to.

Forgive me empathy and sympathy and care. For no one wants to see that others share their feelings, and want to help. Not really. Everybody wants to be alone in their troubles, and somehow special for it.

Forgive me honesty and honor and truth. Nobody wants the truth, not really, the ugly truth. We like to live in our lies, and hurt our friends, and deceive ourselves.

Forgive me for my absolution. Cruelly I withhold my vengeance and bitterness. No one wants to be forgiven, not really.

Forgive me for seeing beauty unbidden, unrealized, unappreciated. No one wants to see the good in such a world that has hurt them.


*Forgive me for myself.

To Death and You, the terrible two:

Can you feel your grip loosening around my neck?
Can you feel me getting lighter, smarter, farther all the time?
Can you feel my heartbeat finding its own pace,
Not matching yours, as it did before?

Can you feel me slipping into
Happiness    for a change?

We were once a Sisyphean process
Low ups and lower downs
We once were endless
Or so we thought

Can you feel my lightness overcoming your dark?
No longer in the shadows of the consuming unlit?
Do you think it’s true, what they say?
Do we not know what we have    until it’s gone?
I think so, not so much for you as for me
I didn’t know how much you held me down
Until I sailed the skies of the blissful unknown

This is one last hoorah for the lowest of lows
One last note to those I leave behind in the dark
One last toast to Death and You, my all-consuming terrible two