I know you love me,
don't know why you wouldn't.

I feel like every time
I finally pull away from your affection

You begin to miss me

Every time
I escape your love

You draw me back In

Every time
I break free from your smile

You lead me back In

Every time
I release myself from your entrapment

You somehow recapture me

I'm not sure how you did It
How you do It
Why you want to

But every time I see you
All feelings are reignited

You laugh
I laugh louder
You smile
I smile larger
You cry
I cry longer
I always think, I'm feeling so much more

But when you said
You're more yourself
When you're with me
I realized
That you're Love Is
equivalent with me

I'm simple yet complex
and complex yet simple

I'm bland yet vibrant
and vibrant yet bland

I'm dull yet creative
and creative yet dull

I'm a copy yet an original
and an original yet a copy

I'm her yet she
and she is only me

I sat there; afraid, alone, and tired
I didn't know what to do, where to go
No one else will do, You I admired
They tried to help me, all I said was no
Without your love, It’s getting hard to hear
Without your love I think I’m going blind
Without you I am enclosed with dark fear
Without you I am scared of my own mind
Slowly watching the clock that Is my time
Aware that It Is time for me to die
Drowning myself In *****, spit, and grime
The most that I can do Is wonder why
If your love was my reason for living
Why don’t I think I’ll ever quit crying

Most phrases don’t bother me and the ones that do I tend to avoid using. However there is one phrase I regularly use that I very much despise. “What if”. I say it all the time but just think about it, It *****. I mean, when it's used people usually complete the sentence with a hope or something they wish would happen. Deep down everyone knows it’ll never happen. Unless you're a hopeless romantic like me you have no problem understanding that. However if we are alike in this way, you understand how hard it hurts to think that whatever your “what if” is, won’t come true. Why do I choose to torture myself with these foolish “what if’s” or “I wishes”. I know they’re completely incapable of coming true, and yet I still wish them. I walk around everyday saying “I wish this didn’t happen.”, “what if I never moved away?”, “I wish you’d love me the same way I love you.” I say these things knowing they will make me upset. No matter how much I cry about them or how down they will make I can’t comprehend the fact that they won’t come true. There's nothing I want more than you. So I wish and dream and hope and pray and cry and fight for it, for us. But you just sit there and watching and laughing and killing me, killing us. “What if it was the other way around?” “I wish you could understand my pain.” You don’t want me, and yet that's all I ever wish for.

I hope i’m not alone in saying this. I know there is at least one more person who feels the same way I do about these silly phrases. I must sound ridiculous. I just wish I didn’t sound so stupid.

Watch,
As the clouds shift.


You walk around with your head down.
Staring at your phone, no one knows whats wrong.
The clouds never stop moving

Watch,
As the clouds shift.

We're all being left behind.
We remain lost in time.
Yet, the clouds haven't quit.

The clouds set an excellent example.
I wish for just a sample.
I want to be more like the clouds.
Beautiful for no reason.
Flying through ever season.

Watch,
As the clouds shift.

You
You consume my thoughts

You overtake my brain

You control my dreams

All I see Is you

I am yet to know you

But I know your face

I know your laugh

I know your challenge

You make me better

Even though I don't know your best side

You make me smarter

Even though I'm yet to know your smartest side

You enlarge my dreams

Even though I'm yet to know your largest dream

You give me the biggest smile

Although I also gave you yours

It may not last

But for now you stay you

You

I flipped the table
you told them I was fine

I punched a wall
you told them give me time

I cut my wrist
you told them It was fake

I tried to drown myself
you told them I wouldn't break

I jumped off a bridge
You told them I could swim

I shot myself
Now all Is dim

I finally died
and It wasn't them who cried

I don't like the way I feel.
The way I feel about myself,
The way I feel about you,
The way I feel about us.

I wish I didn't love you,
It'd be easier that way.
I wouldn't have to feel guilty about anything.

I wish that you loved me back,
but i'm also so glad you don't.

I hate that I feel like i'm letting you down,
I feel like I constantly disappoint you.

I hate the way I feel when I talk to you,
I feel like all i'm capable of doing is not going to be enough.

Maybe I don't love you,
I know I love everything about you.
I love your smile,
your eyes,
your laugh,
your strength,
your thoughts,
your heart,
your hands,
your soul,
your everything.
But maybe I just don't love you.

I really thought I did,
I feel like I do,
You keep trying to convince me I don't.

So I hate the way I feel,
Then again,
I'm so glad I feel the way I do.
Only because it's about you.

When we talk, the world doesn't exist.
We sit, in the dark, in the sun, in blank space.

There's no time, no air, no pain.
We don't even breathe.

Constant conversation,
sometimes without words.
Whether it be glances, tears, or yawns.

It's like a dream,
not the kind you have while you sleep
or the kind you imagine as a child.
The kind of dream that can't be described.
It just is what it is. No one outside of it understands.
And that's ok.

It's not for anyone except you and I.

We talk people, politics, love, hate, sorrow, joy.
We laugh, we cry, we fight, we smile.

We talk until words don't even make sense.
Until my speak slurs to a mumble, we both grow mute.
And your words become snores.  

Then we wake up, and do it all over again.

Your intelligence captivates me.

Your creativity enchants me.

Your humor never fails to excite me.

Your brain entertains me.

Your heart beat moves me.

Everything about your personality fascinates me.

Your just simply extraordinary.

You annoy me
You anger me
You fill my heart with lies

You upset me
You disturb me
You make me roll my eyes

Every time you come around
I act like I don't care
But we know that If you did't
I would miss you there

Hands?
Cold.
Skin?
Pale.
Teeth?
Rotten.
Breath?
Stale.
Bones?
Broken.
Heart?
Black.
Pulse?
Gone.
Life?
        Lack.

I don't know when It happened but It did

"What?"

When Kindness became a publicized thing.

When a small act of graciousness had to be filmed and shared.

When a person helping another had to boasted about

Why can't we help each other without a reward

When did people become to selfish to the point where you only do things for others In order to gain or receive

I don't know when It happened but It did

A peaceful spring flower I so simple
But all together can be so complex
It slowly shrinks and begins to dwindle
Seems Intense but shallow on the cortex

As the seasons change It dies and grows back
The fear that It shows that It shan’t return
The pedals quickly fall and the steam cracks
It’s terrified, It’s heart filled with concern

However spring comes back, winter Is gone
Vanished was the fright the flower once had
Now very happy and pleased with It’s spawn
Amazed, everything didn’t go bad

Received a smile from each small flower
The aged spring flower Is filled with power

I am not exactly sure why
But with you I don't feel nervous
I never get scared
You never make me mad
I can hold your hand
Yet feel nothing
I can hug you tight
Yet not afraid to let go
I can sleep beside you
Yet we never touched
But for some reason
I can't get you out of my mind
I don't feel the love
Or the connection I felt with the others
Yet with you, I'd never want another

I don't need you
But I make myself believe I do.

I don't want you
But I force myself to think I do.

****, I don't even like you
But I like to pretend I do.

I don't gain anything,
I don't learn anything,
I don't enjoy it for a second.

I'm losing myself
too busy forcing myself to find you.

I constantly try to be what you want.  
Trying to make myself good enough for you.

But that's the issue,
I can't be good enough for you
no matter how hard I try.

You don't want me, and I don't want you
It's simple
There's nothing else we can do.

It's almost funny though,
we constantly agree to disagree,
But our compromise is a fight.

We can't just walk away
But we hate being together.

The bond we built
can't be broken.
And if it did, we wouldn't survive.

See isn't funny?
We "don't like each other",
Right?

Some words aren't meant to be
Spoken
Some hearts aren't meant to be
Broken

Some tears aren't meant to be
Shed
Some people aren't meant to think
Ahead

So don't over step or cross your
Line
Special things come with
Time

It's crazy how quickly someone can go.
It's like the door they walked in lead directly to the exit.
Is it something i do?
Because it honestly happened every single time.
Sometimes they stay longer than a day.
But never have they stayed long enough.
I mean there's never been one that's lasted.
And I'm starting to think there never will.

Trust me
I won't hesitate
When you finally realize
What I'm worth
It'll be too late

Trust me
I won't wait
When you understand
What you're missing
I'll have moved on

Trust me
I'll be gone
When you learn
That you truly
Missed your turn

I'm not sure If you've received the message
But I won't want you when you finally want me

I used to believe that your peers mattered

Until I met you

I thought that age should be similar

Until I met you

I didn't know that a few years could mean so much

Until I met you

I tried to fit around It

But mental capacity wasn't enough

The wall the age built was far to large for me to manage

I couldn't climb It

Now you're gone

Another chance missed

If only age wasn't a factor

well,
I guess It's just my age.

Why does It feel A school day last so long
But the school year Itself goes so fast

Why does It feel like My birthday takes so long to appear
But I got to 15 so fast

Why does It feel like a race takes so long to run
But the time Is so short

Time doesn't make sense
I can't comprehend It
I can't understand It
What time Is It?

I come off strong
I come off confident
I come off fearless

However,

I am STRONG
I am CONFIDENT
I am FEARLESS

I am myself

I look different
I sound different
I act different

I am different

I am myself

I dream bigger
I dream further
I dream smarter

I dream
For myself

I am her
She Is me
I am myself

I watched you
The same way you watched me
However,
I saw you watching me
And you didn't

I would like to reach you
but I can't

I would like to teach you
But I can't

I would like to learn from you
But I can't

I would like to leave you
But I can't

I would like to kiss you
But I can't

I would like to laugh with you
But I can't

I would like to love you
But guess what? I can't

Well,
Maybe I can
I can't say I tried

I thought about how
I thought about why

Maybe I can

If only I try