Some nights I do not cry,
They are really rare.
But inside I'm praying,
You're not crying them for me.

In my heart I have a secret wish,
But it's not for me, it's for you.

That one day you'd finally find a man who'd
Protect you with all of his heart and all of his soul.
A man that would swear never to leave you,
A man that would be willing to die for you,
A man that would love you with all of his heart and
Heal that little hole of yours, bringing you
True happiness.

I hope you find a man that would love you
As much as I do, and that you'd be
Really really

Happy.

You were supposed to be normal.
You were supposed to be okay.
You were supposed to be fine.

You weren't supposed to have
All this ****.

They say Life always balances it off:
You take something somewhere,
You give it to another.

I was supposed to be the only
******* crazy one.

You weren't supposed to be hurt.
You weren't supposed to be anxious.
You weren't supposed to be suffering.

You were supposed to be
Happier.

I do not cry in front of people
But that does not mean I do not cry.

I am strong in front of people
But that does not mean I am not weak.

I am happy in front of people
But that does not mean I am not sad.

I am normal to all the people
But that does not mean I am not crazy.

Because I know it deep inside
I'm mentally ill and that if they ever saw that side of me,
They'd wonder what kind of  monster  they had just

Stared at.

Oh broken angel,
I'm sorry he snipped off your wings.
You must have cared a bit too much,
Over too many things.

You cared for your little sister,
Protected her from all,
But I guess all your protection
Really led to the fall.

As they carried you away,
Only tears were brought to my eyes
I cried, I couldn't find you,
Mistook your promises for lies.

And now you are but wingless,
Like a bird that cannot fly,
Staying grounded, staring up,
And only wondering why.

But now that you're grounded,
I'm actually happy
Because now my guardian angel
Will forever be with me.

You threatened to smash my head against the car window.
You should have smashed
Harder.

My screams go far and wide,
Their frequency though, it seems,
Has reached such a desperate pitch that
It can only be picked up by few.
The louder I try to howl
The higher the frequency again,
And it's reaching one so high
That we're moving into ultrasound.

Maybe that's why they don't hear me.

When I sleep in the nighttime,
Sometimes I hear voices.
I wonder every time whether they're cries from you.
They keep me awake most of the time,
But it doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is you.
I listen out for them, but
They always seem muffled and incoherent.
Then I wonder


If everyone is dying at once.

The first person I ever saw pass on
Was my great grandmother,
The wonderful woman who had 11 kids in total,
Second in line would be my grandmother,
Another special woman in my life.
I only remember my great grandmother
In her little wheelchair I loved to push around,
Or her four-pointed walking stick which I used as
Monkey bars and swung around,
Or the times we had to carry her into the toilet because
She couldn't help herself.
A few years later,
She moved out and I cried.
The strange thing was
I never cried during her funeral,
I didn't even weep when she took her last breath
With her eyes wide open on the hospital bed.
Everyone else was crying like mad,
And honestly in that moment,
I just felt weird.
Like a heartless creature who felt nothing.
People stared at me with their hateful tear-filled eyes.
I didn't like that. Not at all.
Maybe that's why,
Up to date,
I'm still trying to fix that.
Hoping for a chance to maybe feel grief again.

And this time I'd cry like crazy.
Mostly because now I am crazy.

Call me crazy but
I'm afraid of saying the word "Goodbye"
Because I'm so afraid the person would take it literally
And they'd leave forever and ever.
That that "goodbye" would be the last thing I say
Before she jumps of the building or
He decides to be heroic and save someone in need.
And they die.

Call me crazy but
I'm afraid of making promises because
How much it would **** if
Someone made a promise to get back to you safely
And he or she never did.
You'd just be left in anger and desperation,
Wondering why the hell
They never kept that last promise
Before they died.

Call me crazy but
I'm afraid of saying "I love you".
I mean like, how many movies have we watched where
Two people exchange "I love you"s
And it becomes their last words and it gets
Etched permanently into the living one's mind while the other one

Dies.

I prepared the note today, "laminated" it with tape
In case it gets bloodied, the blood can be wiped off.
It wouldn't get stained by grime or oil as easily
It would survive rainwater and the ink wouldn't get smudged.

It's the note I've telling you about for a long long time
Not a suicide, but an informant
If I should not survive
From wherever and whenever,
That I was meant to go.

It has your number written, and the other's too
So you would have some access to
Wherever you need to go.
The hospital, the ward,
Whoever opens shall inform.

So please don't get a scare
When you hear an unfamiliar voice
And you hear about what's happened
And you make a sniffing noise.

I hope you don't cry too much
But I know it's inevitable,
And if I really leave

Please.
Break the promise.
And don't come after me.

Go with her to church.
Fulfil your life dream.
Take care of each other.

Then I may smile from Heaven above.

Sometimes I rewatch Anna's video
Over and over and over again.
And I replace Anna with you:
Having to say those heartbreaking words
With tears welled up and a dying voice.

I kind of die inside.

Chest tightened.
Breath held.
Flashing images.
Every time you
Mention death and
Threaten suicide.
I kind of die inside.

I see it. The vision of you r u n n i n g then
      
                                                     ­                             F

                               ­                                                          A

                                                              ­                          L

                                    ­                                                 L

                                                              ­                            I

                                  ­                                                     N

                                                              ­                        G

                                    ­                                            
                                                                ­                 - dead -

I try to leak the emotion
Slowly into the poems, so
I don't drown the reader all at once.
But it always seems to
Gush out, spew out,
Crashing in like a tidal wave.
I tried to write a happy poem,
But I've failed again.
I just hope Melancholy didn't
Swim out too far,
Because He always leads you to me.

Every night I lay here on my bed just
Staring at the ceiling while my mind races,
Thoughts in my head constantly ringing your name
Whether you're okay, whether you're alive,
Whether you still maybe hopefully remember me.

Every night I lay here on my bed just
Tugging at the blankets while my tears flow
Because maybe I had another flashback or
Because my creative mind thought of another nightmare where you die
Over and over and over again.
I am gripped with fear and my breathing quickens again.
I worry constantly about you.

Every night I lay here on my bed just
Tossing and turning because I
Just can't sleep.
I roll around in bed but all these thoughts fill my head.
Sometimes I wonder if you know that I care for you.
And inside,

I know you don't.

Because I never plucked up the ******* courage to
Tell you straight to your face that
I ******* care and that I really love you.
I pray every day that I don't go school and the principal says that
We need to have one minute of silence because
You died. You jumped.

You left me.

Sometimes I wonder if you forgot the promise.
That you'd leave me here all alone.
Sometimes I wonder if you still consider me your best friend.
Because you've always been mine and still are.
What matters is that I'm in your heart and you're in mine.
But I don't really know where I am anywhere now.

I'm sorry if you got mad that I overdosed.
I'm sorry if I added on to your burdens.
I'm sorry that I'm never there to protect you or care.
I'm sorry.

I really am.

Fire stains the night an orange hue,
The flames licking at the metal cages,
Burn. Destroy. Corrupt.
The light penetrates the windows to my room,
Arouses this long awake corpse,
Intrigues whats left of this shattered soul.
It draws me towards it, the blazing inferno calls:
*"Closer, closer, closer..."

Sometimes I wonder if you'd notice
If I was gone.

If I was the sun, would you still love me?
We'd be a million miles apart, can you really be that glee?
If I got that close, I'd burn up all your skin,
I'd really hurt you so much, don't know where I would begin!
I cannot cannot cannot be, with you my dearest love,
Because unlike you who's helped me much,
I'd only **** this dove.

If I was a flower, would you still love me?
I'd be as mute as grass and trees, can't even speak softly!
I'd be so small and fragile, I'd die within a night,
If you had just forgotten me, I'd die without a fight.
That's how useless I am, and a little timid too,
I'm sorry but I cannot protect,
I can't protect you.

If I was the moon, would you still love me?
Or would you run and scamper away because you would fear me?
The moon, it's not your biggest fear, but I'm sure you'd run without a thought,
You wouldn't stay and love me, I'd only leave you in distraught.
I will only ever scare you, both in night and day,
But despite all that would you,
Really love me anyway?

You know what
***** so much about
Grief?

It's not the getting-over-it stage
But rather the
I-thought-I-got-over-it stage.

It's when you've tucked them away
So neatly in a convenient crevice,
Thrown those memories so far out to sea
That you're so sure they'd never float back.

That's when it *****.

When the waves of Time
Carry back your secret bottle of forgotten memories
And the messages touch the very shore of your mind.
And you thought it was a treasure map
Or some happy message,
Even a letter for help would've been better.

But when you unscrew that bottle
And read the message.
There it is again,
Months, days, minutes or just

Seconds

After you thought you'd disposed of
This unfortunate treasure:
Grief strikes you,
Ever stronger,
Ever harder and
Ever longer.

Then your little mind will once again
Be flooded by blasted Grief.

It burdens me.

Because I know something happened
In that short span of time
While I was away.

Things always happen while I'm away.
Usually bad things.
I wish I was never away.

But I was.

And this huge tidal wave came crashing down.
All I'm left with when I return is
The sight of debris and destruction,
Things I cannot fix.

Things that are so mashed up
I can't see anything anymore.

And yet,
I see everything.

An emptied soul,
A broken world,
An isolated girl I still dearly love.

The last words you said
Still ring in my head:
Protect me? What could you have done?

And it's sad.
Because it's true.

I wouldn't have known
What to do.

What's the point of
Living if even
The ones who said they loved you
Hate you?
The ones who said they believed in you
Have deserted you?
And
The ones who said they wanted to
**** you
Are *******

*Everywhere?

The first song I ever drummed to
Was also, unfortunately,
The last song I ever drummed to.

But I'll never forget the way
The drumsticks fitted into my palms
And the rhythm just seemed to flow;
It all seemed so natural

The way my hands hit the drum and
My leg slammed the pedal,
All that anger channelled into a

Beautiful beat.

To that magical instrument I not yet have,
Fear not for we will one day reunite.
I will play you with
The beat of my heart,
Let the music flow and
Emotion part.

Thank you for returning
My right of expression.

My grandmother is a very strong woman.

She's the one with the booming voice in the house
And a hand that's as stiff as the rod.
She's the one who's the voice for justice
And always speaks up for the weaker like us.
She's the one who went to my elementary school
And made a huge fuss because I had "lost" my wallet three times.

My grandmother was the hero who found out
My wallet was stolen three times.

And she got all of them back.

My grandmother is also the shield who protected me from my grandfather
Who was an aggressive man who had an even louder booming voice.
My grandmother is the stand-between between me and my parents,
A secret getaway who's always there.
My grandmother is the kind of person that cares
Even though sometimes not in the way we see it.

My grandmother is the rock that secretly cries in the room
Even though she thinks no one hears her.
My grandmother is my grandmother.

And she's awesome.

I've trapped myself in a cage,
A prison by my own hands
And don't worry, it is free will,
The bars are just like strands.
The metal replaced by rubber
But definitely made opaque,
That part's really important:
It hides all that is fake.
I've wrapped myself up tight
In these beautiful illusions
But hope is just a mirage, you see,
And you just a delusion.

Honestly at this point of time,
I just have two words:

*******.

Sometimes I wonder if what I need
Are pills or priest?

Psychology says it's just the wiring,
The brain all jumbled up:
Too much serotonin and too little endorphins.
Just another mental disorder on that long checklist,
Wait to be diagnosed or prepare a room in the asylum.

But fret not, it can be fixed with a little pill or two.
It will place you up on cloud nine.
It will cast away all those little incessant worries.

It will cure you.

Theology says it's all those ****** demons,
Just a night terror where those beasts come and
Haunt you day after day,
They attack your mind and believe me
Are they out to get your faith, to get your soul.

But fret not, it can be fixed with a little prayer or two.
The priest could just come in and do a little
Exorcism and you'd do just fine.

It will save you.

Sometimes I wonder if what I need
Are pills or priest?

I'm so grateful that you're a broken puzzle piece,
Because believe it or not, maybe it was meant to be that
I'd be a broken puzzle piece too, and once we met
We'd just clicked so well, like we were meant to.
I'm so glad I met you because
God knows what I'd do without you now.
In a way, I'm glad we're both broken.

So we'd fit each other today.

I gaze upon the scars,
The ones that hug my hands.
They seem to squeeze my fingers tight
Till they become all red.
I thought they were all gone
But now I see,
They had merely

*Faded...

Habit never bores me,
Pattern builds me up,
Convention is a comfort
And it hugs me like a pup.
So when there is a difference
It bothers me so much
When my weekly ritual's broken
It just seems wrong wrong wrong.

It's always hard to sleep on soccer night:
The drinking, the shouting,
The occasional puking stench
Reeking from the living room.

It's always hard to sleep on soccer night.