darling,
don't you wish you knew?

that somebody, some angel or devil, will give you a shout out from above
just an alert to tell that your world will fall apart?

so very soon....

and maybe you could have smiled at the bullied kid and given him your peanut butter sandwich
you could have enjoyed every bits of information flooding in your brain
you could have treasured every test, quiz, and teacher
you could have told how beautiful your mom looked today
you could have told your dad that he will always be your role model
you could have given a small kiss on the cheek to your baby brother
you could have hugged your best friend a bit tighter
you could have felt the rain pattering your head
you could have told a stranger that you want them to hold on, be strong

darling, you could have, didn't you
before it all evaporated?

i swore to myself
that a flick of the tongue
would never shelter self-hatred
so deeply embedded into the patchwork of my being.

contagion is a sad **** thing
and cycles seem to be an endlessly contributing factor
those who hurt cannot become hurt
and so we place our self-pity at the top of our priorities
disregarding emotion so carefully hidden in the fragile mind of others.
however there are few who's torment is only self-projected

i am one
an anathema that exists in silence

my past has been placed in a box full of secrets
along with the evidence of my self-mutilation
is there a way to keep my eyes shut and my dignity revealed?
this world is numb, and the apathy must be getting to me
because i would rather not feel a **** thing
than to be plagued by misery
from myself and the ones i love
however, emotions are not choices
and humans cannot be reprogrammed

it seems the pleas and slurs i leave in place of words
are what my familiars take to heart
bodies speak such complex languages
and not everyone has the patience
or the attentiveness
to listen to anything other than a cry

and although i warn
and beg for warmth
i receive only glaciers
and memories of faces
overwritten with impassivity
what i would give
to reach into the darkest parts of my soul
and rip out this sorrow
that has clung itself to the shadows of my psyche

in the depths of my worst memories
there is a wish
a want
a need
to take this heart of mine
and throw it to wolves
to be destroyed but desensitized
in my heart
is all my pity
my lust
my anger
my sadness
and sunshine darkened and gutted
so very long ago

A world built
Using playing cards
Can be knock down
By anything
So she goes to bed
With her sneakers on
And sleeps with
One eye open
Ready to run away
When her world
collapses

This is me, awake again.

My eyes stung from the last time I cried.
Salty tears on each of its sides.
My head throbbing from the past night,
Searching in vain for that familiar light.

Give me a reason, give me a pen.
Let me write alone in my den.

Let me write my struggle within.
Let it fill that small old pen.
Take your chance on my sins.
For this is me, awake again.

Snowy.
Windy.
Freezing.
Empty.
Dark.
Lost.

I am nothing without you.

I read to isolate my mind from everything around me. I read to run away from my thoughts.

But I've found that no matter how occupied I am with words from a book, my thoughts still seem to catch up with me. I can't escape.