I write some words
Full of suffering
Of a wounded heart
A broken soul
So moving and yet
blase

I am not this pain
that filters through
It is part of me
but it is not me
I am so much more
so much more than pain
I am love, and understanding
laughter and wonder
I find so much beauty around me
yet when I write
All I speak of is pain

This is not who I want to be
This pain does not own me
even if it is what I feel right now
pain is temporary
It will pass quickly
but my life will not
At least not as fast
I am full of love
even if it is marked
by suffering
I know I am not alone

These words
that I am writing
they are my pain
and are part of me
but they are not all
of me

may the clouds always part
when you wish to view the moon
may rain fall upon your crops
and send them into bloom

may you see the best of joy
all throughout your life
may the sun shine warmly down
when you must experience strife

may the world always greet you
with arms open, strong, and kind
may you always find the courage
to truly speak your mind

may you always seek the truth
where ever it might be
may the waters smooth for you
should you choose to be at sea

may the path be clear and clean
may you never go astray
but if your heart shall falter, know
you are stronger than today

and may those you love surround you
when at last the end draws near
and may you always keep in mind
that we have always held you dear

Wondering
if I'll ever find my place
in the world
Maybe
I'll live long enough
to find it
or just die trying
Perhaps my only goal
is to orchestrate my death
with my last breath
and not
when my spirit dies
leaving me more lost
and alone
than I feel right now
Perhaps that
is what peace feels like.

found a penny today
     an ugly little thing
  bent and dull copper
with edges coated green
                    heads was down
                   oh that's bad luck
            I still bent
                             and picked it up
               dropped, forgotten
        and it's just a     penny
     not good enough to keep
           even though it's     money
            life gives a lesson here
                the ugly ones seem cursed
                 not quite true
                                     but still
                             all the pretty ones do go first.

It only takes once
just one time
to change the course of history
one moment
which alters everything
Just one breath
a word, a whisper
a certain kind of persistence
And then all the horrors
of the past
forgotten

it is against this willful heart
which I pray for the strength
to survive its beatings
that leave my sorry mind
so battered and bruised

It is very important
For a lady
To give the right impression
Shake with your right hand
Serve from the left
Dance right foot back
The smallest fork is used first
And always leave it on the plate
Warm smiles never go amiss
Keep your ankles crossed
Hands folded in your lap
And when you meet a lady
Always be polite
Open the door
And say kind things
You don't have to kiss her hand
But if you plan to court her
Bring flowers

I am depressed
Life holds so little
meaning
and my days are routine
all the laughter I bring
is just noise that echoes
hollow
some may consider death
but why rush the inevitable
for we are all
going to die
and that comforts me
for why should I end
this prolonged suffering
when merely waiting
will save me the trouble
and everyone else
the pain?

The only thing
                  I will ever regret
                            is





nothing.

Run away, child
Go as far as you can
It's not safe here
Not at all
Things are trying
Desperately
To worm into your brain
Don't let them in!
Run!  Go fast now, child
And maybe this once
It will be far enough
To get you away
From the silly nonsense
Of having dreams.

I wish this life were simple
An ever constant breeze
In which to cast a sail
An end to the tacking
No more catching the tide
Or having it leave without you
Less work, more speed
Smoother seas to sail

Of course such a life
Would be simple indeed
Everything the same
Which would be very boring
A wind to carry you everywhere
And it never stops
Perhaps that sounds more
Like a nightmare
A journey that always passes
Your destination.

Slick red nails
and a black shirt
A hole in the heart
Is where it hurts
If you show me yours
Then I'll show you mine
Come on now baby
It's time to shine

Fiery lips
Teeth and sin
Hot words fly
And break the skin
Lose control
You came to win
But that's not what happens
In the end

Long dark nights
And an empty soul
Madness has a price
Now pay the toll
Laugh like a queen
Feeling like a clown
Nowhere to go
But you're going down

Slick red nails
Dragging in the dirt
A hole in the heart
Is where it hurts
Time will tell
Yet it's naught but lies
I can't say much
But at least I tried

A wooden box
And a shiny gun
Walk ten paces
Then take the turn
Aim at me baby
Now's your chance
It's only you and me
Come on let's dance

Blue eyes smiled
On a black heart
It was going bad
Long before the start
You took my hand
Said we'd be together
You were such a fool
You should know better

Slick red nails
And a black shirt
A hole in the heart
Is where it hurts
An empty soul
And an empty gun
With a smile like mine
You should have run.

stop for a moment
listen to the rain
feel the kindness of strangers
give the world a little chance
it's the only world we've got

I feel so heavy
My mind so full
And I can't find the words
To pour them on a page
They're swirling and stewing
Meshing and combining
Sharing parts of each other
In a rage of feelings
I can no longer decipher
Every thought I have dies
Before they hit the page
If only I could write them!
To set them free
What sweet release that would be.

You opened my eyes
so that I might see
and when I was not looking
                                     slowly you opened my heart
with your patient kindness
  and I remembered how to feel
You reminded me what it was like
to come home to someone
   to be talked to
      and listened to
            hugged and accompanied
whether cooking in the kitchen
                together
or watching some tv
         together
driving around town for work
                                 or not work
                 together
and I do not thank you for that
        I do not thank you
                  for your kindness
because I so dislike being right
         about people
and I am right about you
that despite all your intentions
whatever it is that they are
      I have been injured
  and the fault is ours
            together
you for not listening
when I was perfectly serious
and I for knowing what would come
                          and loving you anyway
how could I not love you?
       gentle, kind, patient, intelligent
with a fun-loving streak
and a soft spot for ice cream
dedicated to your dreams
because you still have them
and because of you
       now I don't
You reminded me
that no matter what is said
        in the end
the very soon end
     you will leave
and once more I will be alone
alone in this big room
full of your people
our people
together
and I do not thank you for that.

Thump
Thump thump
Thumpity thump
And it flips over
Flopping on the floor
Like a ****** up fish
Gushing and gooing
Just everywhere
Oh god
It's everywhere
The blood and thicker things
Thump thump
Thumping on the floor
As though it were
Taking a final breath
Dying, right there, on the floor
(Thump)
****, I'd just cleaned in here
For pity's sake
What is wrong with me
(Thump thump)
Letting this happen
Again
As if I never learn
Always doing the same thing
Over and over
(Thump)
At least, now that we're here
(Thump)
All of this
Will soon
Be
(Thumpity thump)
Over
As my heart lies there
Thumping blood onto the floor
Blood and all of my love
****** from my chest
For all my bad decisions
Every hopeful moment
Each rejection of love
The betrayals and backstabs
(Thump)
All of it
Over
At last.
Silence.

Till the world ends
and a little while beyond
higher than the stars
deeper than the darkness between
Wholly in the moonlight
during the daytime too
and it has nothing
to do
with you.

Dear Me,
I know it's been a long road
painful at every turn
full of things best called horrors
tragedy so young
so much to make up for
but look how far you've come!

You rode that wave of destiny
rode it like it was yours
and it was!
nothing ever held you back
or gave you a moment's pause
every stumble
or stagger
every time you came to your knees
you rose
and you rose above it all

Every moment you suffered
each time you felt the sting
of another loss
you changed the fates
and built yourself a ship
to sail those rough waters
crafted of experience and dreams
the canvas loosed to the winds
of change
pointing the prow towards
a glittering, brilliant future
you took it in both hands
and breathed your strength into it.

I am so proud of you
of every success
because nothing was given
you made it all happen
through knowledge
learning
determination
oh what determination you have!
always you have moved mountains
and parted the seas
a guiding light for the paths of others
an ear
a voice
urging them to carry on
for you have forged the way

So much was asked of you
without a tool to help
demanded, really, that you lead
that you make everything be alright
in the end
No one could stop you
and goodness did they try!
Every time you found the new bottom
you soared into a new height
always better then you had ever been
never taking it for granted

It is a gift in you
all of this you can do
and nothing is beyond your power
nothing beyond your reach
not everyone has this gift
possibly the most painful truth
terrible to watch them sit aside
the apathy of failure
unwilling to change
because change is scary
and why should the world be scary?

But it is, and you always knew that
fear was not something you allowed yourself
for fear is really pain
the literal mindkiller
causing stagnation and frustration
even in those who want to change
but only seek a few options
to bring it about
not you
to you, everything is possible
there is nothing that can't be fixed
no problem so insurmountable
that you would simply sit there with it
it is not your way.

And I want you to remember that
because life never gets any easier
you will grow older
you will forget some things you had learned
because sometimes
you throw out the baby
with the bathwater
and you are better than that
you are better than all of this
this silly life that people fret over
how seriously they take it!
and how strange that they do!
who of us will make it out of this life
alive?

So keep to your strength
never leave your determination
seek new challenges
always holding out a hand behind you
to help others on their way
even if their way
is not the way you are going
you still pick them up
as you always have
building them up
as you were built up
because I know you did not do this alone
you are never alone
someone helped you to become
everything you are
and you owe it to everyone else
to help them now

That is what will make this world great
and you great
greater than you are even now
nothing can stop you
except you
so don't forget
you are better than that.

too much
and not enough
echoing voices shouting nightmares
brazen hollow notes for perfection
without justifying who this is perfect for
because it is not you
it is not me
who are these voices to sound our ears
with their nonsense standards of living
I'll be the judge of that!
who would I be too much for, anyway?
I could never be too much for me
and I have always been enough
and if that's good enough for me
the rest can stuff it.

I never could admit
why I hated to be touched
recoiling in terror
or anger
like how dare you
****** the queen?
and I’m sure I knew why
but I kept it inside
so alone
and so afraid
because I knew
I knew I wanted it
so bad
to be loved
liked
held
and that the desire
stemmed from a need
a real need
to be grounded to this world
to hear a heartbeat under my ear
that was not my own
and know that I wasn’t alone
to feel the warmth of another
even through clothes
just a pressure on me
that is different from
all the pressures within
and I never wanted to need that
because I provide for myself
because I can’t need people
because they will leave me
right?
and I can only count on myself
to save me
right?
RIGHT?
wrong.

I am not precisely sure
exactly where I was
when it occurred
which of itself
concerns me
it seems a pity
really
not to notice
when so all at once
every dream I've ever had
vanished completely
not even leaving
a memory
or other note
of their passing
almost as if they had
quite suddenly
died.