you hands shake
just a little tremor
the only real show
         of emotion
              that belies the calmness
                        of your face

It's not just me
Fighting to be the best me
It's me being better
Than all those memories
Of whoever came before
The invisible monsters
Screaming "Danger Will Robinson"
As I stumble down
The unfamiliar path
To your heart

Look at these two feet
    Bare, naked
       Standing in the cold
           They have walked
        A thousand miles
     And they will walk
        A thousand more
             Feet that have felt the sand
           Stirring between the toes
         The dewy grass
                They've felt sticks and stones
                     These two feet will always stand
                        Even with a broken heart
                          They stride on
                            Towards a future that will not wait
                             Towards a happiness unimagined
                             These two feet
                            Oh yes they can!
                            Just two feet
                        And my heart in my hand
                   Head held high as I walk on.

Broken smiles
A grin of love
Forever and ever
Until we end
You take my hand
We walk a while
We speak of love
And all that comes
With being here
In this moment


You look deep
Into blue eyes
Nothing can say
What your smile does
When you look
At me like that
But then your mouth
It does not agree
It says you love
But not quite

I am friend
I am yours
But friend alone
To others we turn
When we go
I do not love him
Try as I might
He cannot compare
To anything about you
I love only you
It’s of you I dream
When I sleep at night

For once this is not
Something that makes me crazy
It gives me peace
Agony, yet peace
I can never have you
You don’t want me to
So I’ll have to watch
As another loves you
Never as much as I do

No one ever could
My darling, dearest
Best of all friends
No one could think you
More wonderful than I
It is why I hate them
Those girls you seek
Especially the bad ones
Who so deserve to die
By my own hands
But they make you happy
If just for a time
A happy you won’t
Allow me
To give to you myself

Why I earned this limbo
Only God can tell
It must have been
Something I did
I must have earned
A place in Hell
For my Hell is on earth
It is watching you
Love me with your soul
But nothing more
Pushing me at another
Yet tearing me away
All you do draws me near
It is a home I can live in

No home is perfect
Nothing is kind
I took what you offered
When it was given
So friend I am
And will always be
Until you see
That light in me
When I look in your eyes
Do you see the truth
Behind my broken smile
That I love you
Only you
As long as you want me to


*Author's note:  this is from some years ago

You can't go back
it won't be the same
not because it's changed
but because you have.

the smoke leaves your lips
curling away in the breeze
a vapor of something inside you
caught in the whorls
whatever it is, I like it.

Life is full
of lessons
well worth earning
just remember
if you want to cheat
that this is real life
and the only grade
is pass/fail.

One of the best things
in being halfway through hell
is that you're already
halfway out.

I love too openly
Feel too freely
Never tricked by my heart
But gently persuaded
The 'what if' looms
High and powerful
Tangled with promise
And all I can think is
What do I have to lose?

Not much
It would seem
Though I do suspect
That I often abandon
What little sense was given me
For high hopes
And drowning dreams
I can pray all I want
But they are just words in the wind
And I am still a fool

I feel so terribly lost
My heart and my home
No longer agree
Nothing is simple
And it never was
But I try to do what's best
It just doesn't seem
To work out
Setting me adrift once more
In a sea of uncertainty
Though there is
One thing I'm certain of
And that's that I
Want to be
Where you are

It always seems odd to me
how afraid people are
of their mortality
not just about timing
but scared to die at all
Will it hurt?
Where will I go?
Were the religions right?
These things obsess them
Tie them into knots
full of worry
I don't get it
I have never been afraid to die
I do not care about the pain
and if I had a choice
my request is simple
make it quick.

One step at a time
the journey always begins
not just a decision
but an action
and each action
is its own path
where do you send your soul
when it goes to travel them?

change may rattle sharply
but that's what change is for
find a penny have good luck
but luck doesn't pay bills
so work hard every day
save your pennies for tomorrow
it sounds real good except
there's no such thing as tomorrow
there is only ever today
so go do what you're told
be what they made you to be
follow all the same rules
just remember something for me
they also made the ships
berthed safe in the harbor
but that's not what you, or ships
are made for.

I've been a fool
and I've been blind
ignoring the ground
beneath my feet
or the sun in my eyes
thinking to stride
proud and tall
from start to finish
as though confidence
were all that mattered

Faithless pride
displayed but not believed
a thin facade
which I hid behind
why show the world your face
when they only call you ugly?
I'm ****** if I do
and ****** if I don't
why do they care so much anyway?

Just leave me alone
it was my decision to hide
to run away
dragging along my pride
as if it alone could save me
sometimes my stupidity
is amazing

No one is an island
because we're all drowned
drifting along
like lumps of wood
drenched to the bone
with emotions and feelings
wrapped up in our minds
and choked with a false sense of reality
****** with too much pride

I should stop
take some time to listen
to hear what I say
and realize what that means
I didn't before
I won't now
why bother
I spend so much time analyzing
trying to say the right things
to be true to me
while placating the world
and nothing ever really works

I'll always be ****** if I do
and ****** if I don't.

Paraded in ignorance
A thoughtless indifference
Clouded in light
No darkness at night
Invaded
Separated
Hidden and alone
There is no place like home
Forgotten and abused
Not aware or amused
What was longed for
Is not what is in store

Oh!
A burst!
A shout!
Great blinding warmth attacks!
Doesn't know how to hold back
A flood of epic proportions
Wash away those distortions
Exposing what is inside
Too good to fear or hide
Just one hug unlocked the door
It all rushed in and still there's more!
Endless in this reverie

And you still
can't

believe

It's me.

Minutes matter when
   You are sitting on
       The other side
           Of the bathroom door

                                 Minutes matter when
                                       You have to hear news
                                           From the doctor
                                                   About what is wrong

                                                          ­                        Minutes matter when
                                                            ­                             When what you think you know
                                                            ­                         Is something
                                                       ­                         Completely different


                                               I had a dream last night
                                          I was dressed all in white
                                         Clothes like the angels wear
                                           There was a baby in my arms
                                          Safe, sleeping, breathing, warm
                                        Then it was gone
                                          I don't know where it went
                                             It was just a dream
                                          And like all dreams
                                             It had a meaning
                                                But this one was
                                                           Lost on me

I was moving
   Down a corridor
  The wind was strong
In my dream
Where I was going
     I don't know
   But it didn't really matter
  I saw their faces
  Blurring as I moved past
    Full of emotions
  Sadness, pity, fear
   They knew something
That I didn't

                                                         ­                        When I woke
                                                            ­                    From this dream
                                                           ­                        I knew nothing
                                                         ­                             So it would seem
                                                            ­                    I had my visit
                                                           ­                       I heard the news
                                                            ­                         My minutes passed
                                                          ­                               And I was changed
                                                         ­                           Yet still the same
                                                            ­                     Now I understand
                                                      ­                            What their looks meant
                                                           ­                     They already knew
                                                            ­                    That my minutes were spent

                                                          ­  Because of what I can't control
                                                        T­hese faces and eyes
                                                   They won't see me whole
                                                Judging me
                                                          Neve­r letting it be
                                                   I wish I had never asked
                                               I wish they didn't know
                                            Just one little thing
                                        Changed my life

So take this time
     Think a while
  Ponder your minutes
       Before they expire
  Use them up
       Fill yourself with love
                                    and living
                   And don't waste your time
                      or else Life is rather
                                                     unforgiving.

The ghost of you is everywhere
I imagine you walking in the room
I smell your scent by the stairs
I can hear your gravelly laughter boom

Every time I speak aloud
it echoes all around
you're not here I am alone
no one else to be found

This place is like a graveyard
a lonely tomb long after dark
where I sit with our memories
as my emotions begin to spark

A whimper crawls up my throat
all I can do is stupidly stare
to hold my body still
Oh how I wish you were here!

You could make me safe and warm
sheltering heart and kindly song
so strong against these storms
but this time you are gone

The ghost of you is everywhere
I might just tear this house apart
which seems sensible and useless
to heal the hole inside my heart

Wait a minute, I've heard a sound
so my voice cries into the void
laying bare all this tight betrayal
as very loudly I am paranoid

Hold on, a key slides in the lock
my anguish is stilled but brief
but then I am angry to be disturbed
in the middle of all my grief

Quickly I run to the door
but my hurt explodes to purest joy
I jump right into your arms
as you exclaim, "Who's a good boy!"

Lonely people searching lonely faces
Seldom finding what they need
Always walking never sitting
Ceaseless in their misery
You watch them as they idle past
Their eyes cast to the floor
Once again you ignore their cry
As you move swiftly for the door
Everyone wants a perfect world
Where nothing is ever hard
All they want are pleasant things
Ignoring all the endless pain
I say stop this strange insanity
Let go that awful past you hold
For when your hands are finally free
You can begin to work upon the world
Build it beautiful, build it bright
With everything you've ever dreamed
Because that's why we dream our dreams
So that we have the blueprints of life

I do not know if these emotions
are you or if they're me
I do not know anymore
if this is how it ought to be
so if this beautiful thing does fail
it is because I failed to see
any separation now
between us, you and me