I died without you
and we can start the story there
because
when you're dead
there's only the backstory
the tragic truths no one wanted
especially when you were alive

And the strangest things
happen when you're dead
that floaty wonder
almost like wings
but then you have that sinking feeling
that lived in your belly
while you still drew breath

A painful breath
one after another
dying for so long
that death isn't even a relief
it's just death
one state to another
because there are some things
that outlast death
and this is one of them

I died without you
not because I was too young
dying before my time
killed in some way
by your action or inaction
stolen like spring on the first morn of summer
No, that did not happen
for I died when I was old
wrinkled and jaded
a life lived long
too long
just long enough
to understand
why it was alone.

I don't know how this came to be
How I forgot myself in your eyes
Something happened after I left that day
That made all of the good things vanish
Or is this my illusion?

You said you cared and I believed
What is wrong with me?!
How could I forget who you really are
So fickle and indecisive
Unable to face up to what you feel
Though what it is I'm not entirely sure
That you even know

I listened to you, even after you were gone
I listened so hard that I changed
I understood things I hadn't before
I grew up
Every day I would hear your voice
Chastising, lecturing
And still you were right
About everything
So I changed, and I learned, and I listened.

Then you couldn't let me go
I was content to smile at you
To talk to you
To be friends once more
But then you kissed me
And all of that easy complacency
Was out the door
It was wild, and it was fun
And I'd never take it back
Because no matter what you say
I know how you feel
Even if you won't admit it

I listened to the words you said
And the ones that you didn't
I listened when you would start to speak
And I listened when there was silence
I have been listening to you
Because you asked me to
But I didn't change for you
I changed for me
To be happier, brighter, bubbly
To find myself again
To do it I had to listen
And you were right, all along
Why can't you see that?
I changed, and I learned, and I listened.

Didn't you hear me?
I LISTENED

I must speak with you
on a matter most urget
it is of my heart
of the cloud settled there
my mistrust
the sheer uncertainty
of the hearts of those
nearest me
why can we not speak
except that I am wrong
when what is wrong with me
is how I am treated?
This was a mistake
all of it was foolish
how could I have let you in
so very far?
Don't I know better
than to let people near?
At this distance
there is no more distance
yet the chasm between
You and I
is immeasurable
I don't know how to fix it
If I let things go
nothing will change
but the changes I'm forcing
are terrifying
and I do not know
if they will make things better
or simply make them worse.

I’m not cool
In fact, I’m rather awkward
I’ve lived a life
So interesting
That I hide it from the world
I can’t share who I am
I hardly know what I am
Crazy
Ambidextrous
I love to lip-sync
I randomly dance about
I can’t draw at all
I can’t sing a single note
I can’t really dance
Too fat
But with a pen I can do anything
Give me an inch
I’ll give you a mile
Take my hand
And I will show you a smile
I’m not perfect
I wouldn’t want to be
I am not what was wanted
Or what was expected
I’m so deep into life
That I have no hope
A future obscured
Only what I can make for myself
Truly, it is easier this way
Not easy, but at least I know
I don’t have to wonder
if I can love
But my attachment is stronger
Too strong, too much
I hate my romantic side
I wanted a fairy tale
Too bad they were tragedies
And this is my life
It is what I’ve made it
I wanted so badly
To kiss a pair of lips
Who wanted to kiss mine
To run hands over his shoulders
Feel his fingers on my hip
Pulling me closer
Unable to let me go
I wanted a smile
That reached my eyes
I wanted to fill
What was empty inside
I didn’t need someone
I needed the love
If I could do it alone
You know I would
But I can’t
That’s why that hole is in us
So that we have to fill it
Oh tragedy!
Too much
Too late
I’m never enough
This is harsh Fate
Nothing can change
Nothing can alter
What life deems is ours
Except our hearts
They can change
When I did suffer
Was it enough?
To learn what was
In my heart?
Now this only reminds me of dreams
Moments that were lost
I could have hated dreams
Instead I ran away
Be gone, Hope!
Don’t call for me
Or bother me again
I‘ll forget these dreams
Eventually
And these thousand words
Hidden in a poem
Which will heal my heart
But Hope, you can keep that soul
I’ve no need of it
Hell is where I belong
The Devil can negotiate with you
To get it back
I’m sure He’s interested
Now I’m off
To live my life quietly
Slowly
Alone
I’ll sing in my room
But never in the shower
It sounds awful
And you may laugh
Or perhaps sigh
But this is MY life
And I will be happy
In spite of everything
I will be HAPPY
And I have so much more to say
I won’t wait anymore
No one will care to read this
I’m no artist, or poet
This poem *****, but it’s mine
And I think it’s beautiful
Honest
Strange
Without structure
Hardly unpredictable
Though you must have an open mind
To read it
It took too long
To get to the point
You got lost
You’re not even here
Then again
Were you ever?
Are any of us?
I’ve lost myself
I’ve done it so many times
I now know where to look
But maybe I don’t want to
Maybe I won’t
Perhaps I’ll go on
Lifeless
Soulless
But never heartless
No, I can feel it beating
Painful, painful beating
As though it too gave up
And now just does the motions
crying
Why did my new life
Begin when my courage failed?
I can’t live on just dreams
I can’t live a fantasy
I want a reality
I want a life lived hard
Fully
Breathlessly
So I’m going to go see you
Whoever you are
And tell you
How I feel
And then leave you be
To think about what you would have said
But you can’t say anything now
And that’s ok
I kind of deserve it
For all the hearts I’ve broken
To never know your words
I need to pass this by
But Hope needs to stop
Flagging me down
I’ll offer it the lead
Because there is really nothing I can do
Except tie up loose ends
Because I’m moving away
Going forward
I’m going on an adventure
Come if you like, friend
But I have to go
I won’t stop now
I can’t, and I shouldn’t
I will walk the miles
I will find who I want to be
Because I already have myself
I’ll take this sham of a heart
This unrequited dream
I’ll kiss this goodbye
Before I go
Just to say I did
Because I understand
That life is sometimes unfair
That dreams are born to die
Sometimes to die with us
But it never had to end this way
This is my fault
It always is
I fell
I loved
I failed
I cried
I tried
But it didn’t work
Maybe nothing works
Perhaps the truth will
But I know the truth
I won’t be surprised
I won’t expect anything
I can’t even hope
But I want to know
What it’s like
To kiss someone
Deeply, thoroughly
To hold them tightly as I do
I want to see the look in their eyes
As I say that shaken goodbye
Of all the loves
I will ever have
The one I did not take
I’ll regret the most
And it will be the only one
It’s the one love
That I didn’t have the faith
To try
I’m certainly a coward
I didn’t want to live without these things
But I have to
This is not a life
It’s a dream
I want to live with dreams
But not in a dream
I want love
With respect
Consideration
A future
I had no future here
Not really
My future is out there
It’s beyond the stars
Beyond any heartsick home
I’ve made here
Because life is full of these trials
And these errors
And sometimes it takes forever
Just like this poem
To tell us that
It’s ok to end
To begin again

Echoing
silence                 ringing
             on cold ears
So loud
  but     there        is
                nothing
      Only          a    ­        hollow
emptiness
                               inside.

PANIC
omgomgomgomgomg
no no no no
BREATHE
just breathe
NOPE LOL
there is no breathing
this is PANIC
blush, blush hard
oh yeah baby
burn in the fires of your own hell
WELCOME TO HELL *****
take up your anxiety and fears
that existential crushing guilt
for things you never did
it's all you never wanted!
it's all you're ever good for
you ****
tote those ******* around
until your arms ache
keep those knees up!
back straight!
just who do you think you are?
YOU'RE NOTHING
worthless
junk
waste of space, waste of time
this is all that you deserve
and you don't even deserve this much
here havealittlemore PANIC
wait did you just scream?
No, don't you dare scream!
how can you even do that?
give me back your breath!
that no longer belongs to you!
*****
WORTHLESS TRASH
PANIC OWNS YOU NOW
and it's all your fault!
you did this by being born!
you're just awful!
hey!!
HEY
hey wait a minute
what are you doing?
Who is that man and what are those
pills?
NO DON'T TAKE THAT
IT'LL MAKE YOU WORSE
I SWEAR IT
WOULD I EVER LIE TO YOU?
NO!
DON'T.
STOP.
Stop.
Sssst...o...ppp.....
................­............................
blink
oh?
OH
Oh my.
Hello.  This is your mind.
It's... it's been a while.
Hi.
...
.....
I just wanted to say....
umm....
thank you
for taking care of yourself.
...
.....
You're really quite special
I hope you know that
even if you don't feel it
just right now.
......
You are a warrior.
...
.....
and I love you.

A scream
A moan
A single creak on the rooftop
The rustle of fabric
The howl of the wind
A cricket sings a sad song of regret
Horns in the distance
A cacophony
The backdrop of living in the city
Silence
The stillness
So thick you could cut it with a knife
The jukebox
Sound of swallowing
And the stale old smell of beer
with a quick wash down the throat

I see you, with those
Clear blue eyes
So sure and unsure
Angular face
Oh that slow grin
A charmer, you are
With your villain's beard
Quick with your hugs
And your kindness
So much passion in you
It can be frightening
But we all want to be seen
As strong
To be the hero
You are a hero
You are my hero
And you always will be.

I woke up today
opening my eyes
to my room
I roll over
to unoccupied space
in a queen sized bed
scooting over it
and swinging my legs
off the side of the bed
onto the floor
so cold
shuffling into the bathroom
just a morning toilette
teeth brushed
vitamins taken
face washed
everything in its place
and yet still
there's something missing
confusion begins
to tickle my mind
so I hurry
ignoring the whisper
in the clutter
going into the hall
to the kitchen
for my breakfast
but its strange here too
too quiet
so cold
I grab something from the fridge
that I can eat on the way to work
hurrying away
from the silent echo
of this house
but it's just the same
when I come back
empty in its fullness
for everything I own
is in its place
perfectly arranged
like it's always been
and yet
it's still there
the emptiness
sort of like an ache
when I work out too hard
which reminds me
with purpose I go into my room
and grab my sneakers
I'm trying too hard
not to notice it
but when I sit down on the bed
I know
I know what it is
that's haunting me
an empty ghost
in a house full of me
just me
only me
alone
a single tear
the only evidence of the flood
that is closed in my throat
and I finish tying my shoes
dashing the tear from my face
with a hasty hand
that grabs the keys
closes the door
locks it
and then I run
I run hard into the street
down the sidewalk
past the neighbors
the children playing
the cars and the noise
I leave it all behind
heading for the place
that soothes me
enclosed in the trees of the park
I can think
but today
I'm not thinking
I'm feeling
feeling the hole
where my life used to be
when I was fulfilled
with what I was doing
and it was enough
but now
it's like I was cut
opened up
scooped out
left hollow
and that hollow spot
leaves an ache
that feels a lot
like loneliness
like a full house
of just me
like a made bed
with no one else in it
today I woke
to a small life
a life that is mine
and only mine
haunted by a ghost
a silent dream
and the unmade memories
of [you].

It's just a box
Something to put other things in
Storage, if you will
Of memories attached to the physical
And so we are attached
To what we put in the box
Enough that even in waking
It will haunt our dreams
It's just a box
Four walls, a top, a bottom
Some detail here and there
Not too terribly complex
It even comes with a split lid
So that everyone can see the view.

Here!  Take this stick
They are coming for you
This is the fight of your life
you versus the lions
with naught but a stick in your hands
the distant roars a constant reminder
of the shadows in your memories
you cannot cry out for help
with an elephant on your chest
you can't even turn away
From the trainwreck of your life
drugged in a chemical cocktail
that your genes made for you
forced into your system
by little sensitive triggers
or really nothing much at all
a roller coaster you never wanted on
buckled in and you can't get out
you can't get out
you cant' escape the darkness
that closes in on your vision
or the racing of your heart
hammering and fluttering all at once
terrified that this is how you die
while also kind of excited
knowing that you are dead anyway
what is one day sooner?
it would be so easy
just a little slip and a bit of blood
or a quick trigger and a bullet
the brainpan goes squish
it would be so easy
to drop this stick and fall upon it
like some old fashiioned tale
I wish I could help you
to tell you that stick is really a wand
and you are capable of magic
with a flick of the wrist
you can start to change it all
that the lions are real
but they are very slow
with gums instead of teeth
that these shadows are only there
because you did not add light
they will recede and never leave
but they also won't have control
I wish I could help you
but all I can do
is remind you that what you hold
is not just a stick
and that you are not just sick
you are not your condition
but made of starstuff and determination
that you once had dreams too
and how much I love
the legacy of your heart
written in your eyes
pain and joy and compassion
I wish I could tell you that I too
learned to use that magic
that my lions became kittens
soft and sweet with just a little bite
and my shadows became shade
that I rest under when the world is too much
because it always will get that way
you will have good days
and bad days
and both are ok
it's not easy to wave that stick
it's not easy to roar back at the dark
this is the fight of your life
but you, and your life
are worth every swing
because you are perfect
and kind
and made of magic.

Lead me down the winding path
through the crowds out in the street
I am looking for my other
and I shall know him when we meet
how, you ask, I could not say
for I've never seen his face
it haunts my dreams every night
with strong visions of a place
we may not know each other now
but this heart knows not retreat
as I am looking for my other
and I will know him when we meet.

Let me love you!
To care for you
value you
and everything you do
To be happy in your presence
finding joy in your smiles
Please
let me wash away the hurts
and ease your pains
to help you
support you
always
because that's what love is
friendship
kinship
someone to turn to
when the world seems so lonely

Let me love you
because I want to
because it requires nothing
from you
I don't want anything from you
that's not why I love
I do it
because I am love
living breathing love
and all I want to
is love you
all of you
all the flaws
terrors, horrors, nightmares
you have been
the joys and wonders
that comprise your being

Let me love you
as I was meant to
quietly
shyly
unobtrusively
a warmth
that simply is
and don't worry
I want nothing
from you
except that you
be you
in all that you are
because who you are
is someone worth loving.

I go up
the down escalator
When no one is looking
I ride the elevator down
But walk up the stairs
With jazz hands

When it rains
Puddles are
A particular favorite
I don't bother to resist
And giggle madly
as I jump

When I get to my desk
In the cubicle maze
I happily do my work
While photos of my past
Taped in a formless collage
Are all around me

I could not conceive
Of building a future
Where the smiles of the past
Are forgotten
In the blur of necessity
Nothing is so important
As those smiles

So I play with my food
And draw outside the lines
I always talk to children
Trying to see through their eyes
Because I know
When they see the world
It looks so different from mine

Speaking loudly
Nothing to say
But they will say it all day
Without temper to the content
No care to who they offend
Ranting and raging
So much anger!
Why do they shout so loud
Never asking the question
But expecting an answer?

Taken in stride where no other bides
swift swelling of the heart
In beauty lives the fragile frame,
a ticking clock while the mind searches
in fruitless abandon

One moment in time, a false hope.
No home gone forsaken in what was offered
to lead way onto way and moving forward
Leak leisure as words fail
falling through cracks in the ceiling
Crawl away with sweet suffering smiles
burning inside with the prickly wonder that will not fade
To this minute, this very second yield nothing

Perfect in the resolution of these sentiments
to forbear with unanswered patience these cries of longing.
Feeding fear in endless wells of obscurity where shadows march in time
Bringing in them the full sorrow of an empty soul
There is no sunshine in the wind.

Howl for the mighty honor of being the loudest
Arrogance disguised as intelligence
a waltzing masque full of pretty ribbons and bourbon breath
No eyebrow raised this day
Not in any day that shades life lived fully.

Question not as others have this silent broken mind,
dwelling in the rank depths of ignorance and despair
No hope for the faithful, no pause for the weary.
This shallow life is a silent tragedy played on a stage full of Juliets
and souls are lost among the quickening heartbeats.

You say it so casually
"Mine."
As though by saying it
Then it is meant to be
You repeated it when I
Denied
For I fully know you are not
"Mine."
Our history forbids it
All sources say against it
How could we begin again
With everything left so unsaid
You still hurt
And still seek others
Then describe what you want
It's me
And you know it
And still want it
And want it to not be me
I'd say go **** yourself
But I wouldn't really mean it
In spite of your stupidity
And avowed non-commitment
I still love you
I'm willing to let you hurt me
Because when you leave
I want you to see this time
That under no circumstances
Did you tell the truth
When you said
"Mine."

there are a good many things
to mistake in this world
but do not make the mistake
of mistaking my feelings
as being similar the the ones
of your own mistake.

Oh succulent mushrooms
how I do love you!
Such a little hafling I am
eating my mushrooms
as though I too had hairy feet
Why anyone would you think
that you smell or taste like death
is beyond me
For in my experience
what tastes like death
often has that in its happening
meat cut up by the butcher's knife
The essence of the smell
and the best of all its scents, to be sure
I have smelled death, and the dead
And not just those perfumed in parlors
covered in the sweet-smelling powders
That is not death, it is a lie
death smells like shame and fear
of things that happened which I cannot imagine
death does not smell like earth
it never smells like life
mushrooms are of the dirt
and scent as such and more
of loam and forests and creatures alive
it smells like childhood and mud
mushrooms are not like death at all
death roams the light, taking and giving
with impunity
mushrooms are things of the dark
growing in the dampness of life
like little umbrellas against the world.

Can anyone save us
Will anyone try
You must
We all must
But no one will stand
They all sit and moan
Wailing as things get worse
You must help them
To stand
Why me?
Why does it have to be me?
If not you
*Then who?

you are an open book
of folded and missing pages
you speak the truth
into swirls of thick smoke
with a challenge in your eyes
and kindness on your tongue

It is all for naught, I say
this push and pull
the lies and the promises
all for naught!

It has given nothing
and takes things when it leaves
hidden things
secrets and dreams

why so cruel, hope?
why must you be so cruel?
'Tis all for naught

You are the thaw
which       turns my
                             winter
             into spring
    a gentle voice
       the warmest breeze
   to blow away
                my frost
           and make
the blossoms
grow.