Sadness isn't just one emotion
      it's a blanket
                   that warms the others
                                Warm, how unusual
            yet all my sadness
                               is never cold
                                                            ­                              never cool
                  I like things that are
                          cool
   and I do not like sadness
                               no, to me it is warm
                                     uncomfortably so
         as though lit by the fires of a hell I don't believe in
a torment in false hopes
         hope that is so warm
                just like sadness
                                       which is like
               hope and despair
              seasoned with twinges of guilt
                             and anxiety
  like the horrid blush that comes
when you've done something naughty
burning so hot you fear your face
     will melt
         that is what sadness feels like
                                                            to me
   wretched and horrid and never enough shame
       So silly, to think there's something that ought to go with it
                                              as though sadness itself were not enough

         perhaps they were right
            you can become addicted
                        to a certain kind of sadness
           like a drug of sorts
  a chemical cocktail you brew in your mind
          to douse your feelings when you don't want them
      because sadness is safe
                                                 it's familiar
                                                        ­                                        and you know how to deal with it


                                        so you think

                      even as it eats you alive from the inside
              you think you can control it
                         that you can stop whenever you want
                                and that's the lie of it
                                                        becaus­e
                                                        sadness
                           isn't just sadness
        it's everything else we don't need
                                     don't want
                            
         shame
                         remorse                                  
                                                     regret       
                              fear

          ­                   why hold on to them?
                         yet I can't seem to stop
           it pulls me back
addicted to the drug of familiarity
       funny, I think, to be addicted to shame
                                   touted so long as something to shy away from
         that regret is not worth the effort
   and remorse a thing
to let go of
        yet here I am
clasping them in my hands
  breathing life to them
      when they wither
terrified when they are gone
       a curse that I know will return
                     so why wish for it to leave?
           A life can be lived in the warmth
                          not a good one, albeit
                    but a life
                        instead of a lie
                     an addiction to sadness
                                 rather than
                         happiness
          at least I shall never be disappointed.

A great man gave this to me
advice from the lips of a father
like a father
but not my father
but like him
if he were a self-made millionaire
with advice to give
that this self-made business owner
ought to pay some heed to
and so it went,

"By yourself,
darkness can overcome you.
You can't do it all alone.
But we're here with you,
all of us, that's what we do.
If you don't succeed
we didn't succeed in teaching you."

So like a parent
concerned with the fate of a child
telling us to be stronger than we feel
braver than we have known
and to follow that great gleaming WHY
the WHY we do what we do
the WHY we are in this room
with a new father
teaching us all the principles

To every day improve
to control our emotions
to live in peace
that we are all accepted
for who we are
and that we are complete
within ourselves
that we must all serve others
before we can succeed ourselves
to never let fear in
and know we are truly blessed
and above all
that integrity means more
than all the affirmations in the world.

Just a quick walk
From here to there
One point to another
Though there is no point
In the exercise
Only a simple moving
From one state to another
One lie to another
Leaving behind truths
Too hard to bear
And burdens we no longer want

I was hanging out
with friends
A regular Saturday
of yesteryear
Just like we used to have
A strange conversation
Began there
One that pointed out
How much I have really seen
Of this world
How open I am
Aware
And it was good
Things were said
That needed to be said
Burdens unloaded
A good time
But at the end of the night
Before I left
My friend asked
If I was happy

Such an unexpected question
I stopped for a moment
Though any pause
Always seems suspect
When one is in possession
Of a sharp wit

He clapped me on the shoulder
The drink still in him
Though he is a rather jolly fellow
And he said
That was a bit unfair of me

And all I could do
Was nod
Because what would I say?
I'm not happy
Even though my life
Is satisfactory
Do I own the truth
The wretched
Horrid
Truth?

Is it even acceptable
To give my burdens
My worries
My sadness
To someone?
Especially a good friend
Whose life is full of good?

I can't do that
I couldn't give him
Even a real hint
of the depth
Of my misery
There is no hope
For my void
I have loved
Only to lose
And I have lost
Faith

How could I express
That?
That the intelligent
Interesting
Comical
Flirtatious
Enigmatic
Mysterious
­Wonderful person
As he said
Who is so strong
She makes mountains move
Without effort
Could possibly
be dying
of loneliness?

Because it is killing me
First I tried the drink
And since that has failed
I have nowhere
to hide these feelings
Before I could have lied
Because I would have believed it
That I ached inside from the poison
Not the hollowness
Of being alone

I could not tell
One of my oldest friends
That I am so unhappy
Because in telling
My misery would be worse.

I don't need to be told
That my misery is pointless
That I should be happy
Regardless
Save your breath
I have no interest in listening
to what makes only you
Happy
As your 'advice' is self serving
And worthless to someone
As brilliant as me
Because I know just how wrong
That kind of faith is
A lie not worth repeating
Especially because
I have known love
In its rarity
I can't settle for less.

I am awake, so tired
reaching for the alarm
I have overslept
with a shrug I continue
rising to the day
ignoring the birds
forgetting the feel of sunshine
Just.  So.  Tired.
As though a drag has been
attached to my feet
to my very mind
useless, less than useless
yet ever present
I don't make coffee anymore
it never helps
nothing helps
nothing except the sweet release
of sleep.
But I can't always sleep
I must live, must walk about
even if I am only a zombie.
I skip breakfast
no longer hungry for food
or anything else for that matter
I dress in the usual
slacks and button down shirt
trouser socks and loafers
What a boring look
but boring is the new business
and we can't all be like Michael Douglas
from Wall Street
Just.  So.  Tired.
My days drag on, one after another
until the only identifier
is the date at the top of my emails
I don't care if it's Monday or Friday
what do I have to look forward to?
Nothing, that's what.
Nothing
and sleep.
I can't wait to go back to sleep.
By the time I punch out
it's all I'm thinking about.
I'm not concerned for my empty stomach
or that I missed lunch
and I probably won't eat dinner.
I didn't shop for groceries
so I'm not even sure if there's something to eat
and quite frankly, I just don't care
I just want to sleep.
Because when I sleep, I dream
and while not all of them are good
every once in a while
I have a dream that fills me
fulfills me
reminds me that I had other kinds of dreams
once.
Sometimes these little dreams motivate me
and I'll remember to shower
to eat
to buy new shoes
sometimes these dreams break through the fog
and I live for those moments.
So fleeting, so rare
Sigh
Just.  So.  Tired.

Squeezing
a heart held hostage
so tightly
is it held back
from expression
Held away from the pain
from its expectation
inadequate
the entirety of how I feel
for you are too good
far too kind and generous
to ever love a thing
like me
I am so very broken
everything wrong
a desperate soul
so afraid
for the first time in my
miserable life
I am truly afraid
that there are no more
tomorrows
no where left to look
that I am done
(what I have done)
that I am used up
alone, forgotten, discarded
trash in a ****** world
blending in so well
becoming what
I was always told I was
told to be
so many times
before I even knew you
abused and forsaken
the only way I knew
that any happiness
all love
was fleeting and terrifying
and to be avoided
though my loving heart
will never let it be
Then there was you
with your light, life
kindness
when you didn't have to be kind
I can never repay you
no one can
no one is worthy to stand
by your side as an equal
and maybe one day I'll learn
how to properly esteem
and repay you
but for now all I know
is how to love you
from over here
away from that light
to take care of your needs
small as they are
a squire of sorts
a housekeeper, a maid
and a friend
a friend who will follow you
anywhere you choose to go
shadowing your way
defending you to those
who do not want to see you
for the generous soul you are
for being the mirror
no one wants to look into
because no one wants to see
themselves reflected by you
so sharply, such contrast
yet with such patience and kindness
you are truly wonderful
a wonder
a gift
to be cherished
appreciated at every turn
and I can never repay you
for all the kindness you have done
because when I looked into that mirror
I saw where I could be
where you see me
that something was inside of me
that wasn't broken
wasn't worthless
and you are here
helping me
caring about me
loving me
and I can never repay you
and that is the only truth you've given me
that I don't know if I can bear.

I want to make a wish
Or two or three or four
Just one wish
Itemized
I want to tell you these wishes
To see how you'll react
But then again, I know
I know you so well
I know every little face
I know when you will smile
And what food you will eat
I also know how fast you go
When you drive
Especially when you think no one is looking
I wish this wasn't useless
All these secrets I keep
I wish that I didn't have to
I wish that it wasn't me
I wish I could kiss you
I wish I didn't want to
You see, these wishes, they **** dreams
I dreamt of a lifetime
Of stars and of campfires
Of a house on a hill
Surrounded by flowers
I dreamt of this life
I gave it my all
I wish it had been you
I wish I were more your type
I wish I didn't care about it
I wish, I wish
But what can I do?
Every time I go to walk
There is something you'll do
As if you know
But you don't
How could you?
Why can't you let me go?
Why won't you?
I didn't want it to be like this
I just wanted to be happy
Safe, secure, alone
What is so wrong with alone?
Because I want them
And that life
I want it all with you
Because you shatter my future
With a smile
A joke
And then you walk away
How can you do that?
What magic is this?
I wish I didn't know you
That I had never felt
I wish I were cold again
Heartless, unfeeling
I do not want to be warm
To be warm is to be alive
To have a heartbeat
My heart beats because you make it
It stops when you're not there
Because when I was young
And stupid
And naive
I told myself it didn't exist
That it wasn't going to be real
Not to expect it
Well, I wasn't looking
Or expecting
Or wanting
But it happened
I wish I could take it all back
I wish I had kissed you then
In the grass
Looking at the moon
I wish I was that brave
That willing
Maybe I am
Maybe I will be that reckless
To tell you everything
To see what happens
To walk away when you say it
Because I know what you'll say
You'll say no, never
You'll say it sadly, slowly
As though it will hurt less
Because this is unrequited
Though it doesn't have to be
We're perfect together
But I'm going to grow older
I'm going to go away
I'm not going to tell you
Until I'm ready
I'm not ready now
For now I will wish
Wish that it will end
That I'll wake up one day
And you'll be just a friend
So that I can move on
Wouldn't that be nice?
But I don't know
I just don't know
Would I want that kind of life?

What now?
I haven't even said a thing
yet the conversation is over
why do we even need to talk at all?
is this some elaborate charade
where you satisfy your selfish need
to always feel superior?
                      We both know what will be said
                      We both know how this goes down
                      all I wish is that you had
                      the kind of faith in me
                      which I've always given you
                      but at least I got to see
                                          who you really are
                                          and where we really stand
                                          that neither of us was perfect
                                          and I was the only one
                                                      who didn't care.
so what now?
     things can't go back
                  I can't trust you
                              and it's breaking me inside
                                      just to know any of you now
                                      just knowing what you do
                             to those you call your friends
                  it makes me wonder how
you manage to have any friends at all

there is no way out of this
no chance to be friends like before
all the love and loyalty
is now entirely gone
replaced by a facade for the sake of those
who are still my friends
and your friends

                                                 I don't know what to say
                   I was mad at first
                   when you betrayed me
                   but I should have known better
                          I should have known better
                          I should have known
                                                           ­    better.

Some broken things
Can't be fixed
You broke it
And now you want me
To fix it
That won't happen
You broke my faith
You shattered my trust
And now
I don't know if
You deserve redemption
Forgiveness
Or even
My kindness
You broke us
And some broken things
Just can't be fixed.

Give me just a moment
I'll be right with you
even though this is my job
I still make you wait
because I can't lose
my sense of POWER
of the time I hold over you
because time is money
and money is everything
so I'll take just a moment
or all the time I need
to make you feel insignificant
unimportant
as though you do not matter
because in this moment
this space in time
I am God
and I control your fate
even if
for just a moment.

Burning bright
Like a candle lit
'Luminates a life
I'll help you find it
Give me your hand
Mine's mostly warm
So I can hold you
Against this storm
Oh, so cold you are!
What trick is this?
Who are you really?
What did I miss?
The candle's out!
Where did it go?
What happened here?
I deserve to know!
You took my heat
My heart as well
You said you loved
And so I fell
You took my warmth
Gave me your cold
So deep inside
It makes me old
Old, alone
Forsaken too
All of this
Because of you
Just one *****
My candle died
No more light
I'm dead inside

- 07/09/09

Floating on the wind
Slow and gentle
Their beauty known
The world over
So much fuss
For just a flower
Sakura
An end to winter
The start of something new
Symbolize prosperity
And feminine beauty
To mean so much
On such soft small petals
I wish to be as beautiful
As you.

Oh this is a dangerous game
Like playing chicken
with hand grenades
All you have to do is get close

So dangerous that there is a thrill
Hanging by fingertips
that are starting to chill
One slip and you're a goner

Creeping shadows
Falling down
Carry me
Below the ground
A place awaits
Dark and cold
Where wonder lies
And tales are told
Here is magic
Terrors, dreams
Where all is real
Not what it seems
Twists and bends
Rank smell of death
The foulest air
Take one last breath
As terror moves
Beneath the skin
No lies now
What is your sin?
Truth to own
None can call
If you're to climb
Or merely fall
Surrounded then
In bleak and cold
By terrors deep
And nightmares old
Confusion chokes
Drowns the mind
Turned around
Too lost to find
Walk away
Come running near
In the dark
There’s much to fear
A glimpse of life
Cold as death
Where shadows lie
Like all the rest
No lighted hope
No chilling fear
In this place
Where none are near
Lost in shadow
The pain is real
And dreams are truly
What you feel
Drive the nails
Move the soil
Given up
No more to toil
So carry me
Below the ground
Tis only here
I’m safe and sound

Seven days of circular arguments
      Six days of taunt anxiety
              Five days of happy remembering
                      Four days of bitter worries
                              Three days of attempted calm
                                       Two days of waiting to speak
                                              One day of rampant surprise
                                                   Amazing how fast the days go by
                                                         Twenty-eight days in one little week
                                                            ­   I'm so exhausted I can barely think!

Dear friend
do, take a moment
though you are busy
what I have to say
may save your life

Dear friend
listen, just a while
for my heart is open
ready to give you aid
to save you from yourself

Dear friend
you must, there is no doubt
let go of all of this
it is hurting you
and I cannot stand your pain

Dear friend
I implore you
I'm begging you
listen to what I say
your struggle is in vain

Dear friend
let it go, let all of it go
these things you cling to
as though they too
needed you

Dear friend
do not believe their lies
these feelings you have
deep inside of you
will surely **** you

Dear friend,
believe me when I say
that these regrets are worthless
as was everything
which created them

Dear friend
release them to the wild
these bad habits of yours
you are not a nun
let these bad habits go!

Dear, dearest, faithful friend
know that I love you
in all your parts
because you are worthy
and should never be alone

Dear friend,
you are me
and I am you
we are one
in this together

Dear friend
one last time
I will ask that you hear me
for it will soon be too late
and you will be gone

Forever.

I don't know how it happens
These dreams
I know they grow from somewhere
I decide to let them in
As though I've forgotten what they do to me
It's a bendy sort of reality
My world, that is
Where I sit alone
Dreaming some lovely dreams
To base my reality from
But then I forget which is which
At least for a while
Then I am reminded
Life is no dream
No sir
And my dreams are the dangerous kind
Not about power
Or money
Or success, no
Those are my ambitions
Never my dreams
My dreams are dangerous
World-changing
Life-altering
Addicting
Terrible as they are beautiful
Ever so tantalizing
Dreams of backyards
Baking
Christmas
Children
Stolen kisses in a hallway
Over laundry and power tools
Your smile
My laugh
Two hearts in a single home
What dreams!
Just dreams, my dream
And I wonder if I figure
Into your dreams?

It is as if the ghosts of my past
have wandered in
speaking only in whispers
too faint to understand
too loud to drown out

I wonder why they came to call?

Did I mistakenly
conjour them
stirring a settled darkness
best not meddled with?

Came they
of their own volition
knocking, crying
Nevermore?

Haha.
No
this is not fiction
these ghosts are real
old companions
though I would not
call them friends

Indeed
for they are enemies neither
simply parts of me
broken from the whole
conscious
and without souls

Memories gone nightmare
forged through a flame
Lit hot by shame
and all the other bad feelings
Which gave birth to these
abominations of spirit

They know me
the me lost to time
and the mercy of weak memories
in those around me
a side-effect of a forgiving heart
It is the only thing
that makes these ghosts
so unique:  they do not forget.

Nor should they
and I should be grateful
for such vivid reminders
but I confess
I am not

Like so many
I simply wish to forget
but that is not possible
not practical
that shame holds lessons
valuable as they are painful
ignorance may be bliss
But at such a heavy cost...

I do not know if I am ready
to pay it.

God, I'm lonely.
Not that I expect
That you will do anything about it.
I just thought you should know.
Where is my mind
And why did it wander away?
Is it so much to ask
To be considered?
Too much to ask
To be respected?
Am I so different
That no one can save me?
Because I need the saving.
God, did you make someone for me
Then forget to send them?
I am wearied
I've been playing this game
For so very long now
If you were going to give me a sign
Please make it rather obvious
This pain and confusion is blinding.
God, I'm lonely.
I just thought you should know.

- Jayme M Yaroch, January 16th, 2010

Good Lord, I'm tired
It's been such a long day
A weary year, in fact
I didn't think I could do it
So many things happened
Some of them good
Most of them, not so much
A few were just awful
But I made it through
Though I'm so tired
I just want to rest my head
And sleep for a while
Not yet, though
I still have some things to do
And the year isn't over
Good Lord, watch over me
Like you always have
Please keep me strong
Strong enough to make it
Through just one more day.

Little pillows
Rice and flowers
Pretty gowns
And count the hours
Waiting with baited breath
For trusting hearts
Then tying knots
Shined up shoes
The sober priest
Looking joyful
As two hands meet.

Hollow
I just want to be
Hollow
To hear the
Echo
Of nothingness within
Silent
Just for a moment
Still
And at peace with myself
Awhile
Though perhaps
Maybe
I don't deserve it
Cursed
Is my whole life
Blessed
In many things, yet
Never
That one thing that is
Dearest
To my aching soul
Forsaken
In the bitterest of ends
Blind
Because my heart still finds
Hope
Even in the bleakest of
Times
A ray of light emerges
Agony
To eyes so used to the dark
Piercing
Every part of my being
Until nothing is left
But holes
Pain
Fear
Suffering
Darkness
Enveloping as I bleed out
Bleeding love
Joy
Faith
Hope
Admiration
Respect
Trust
So broken
Rejected in the end
The bitter end
My end
Finality
Finally
The end.

My home is on a lake
a small thing
almost ordinary
for this part of the world
but my lake is special
it is different
for through my windows
is magic
the sunrise is here
which for here is odd
since we are accustomed
to the sunset of the lake
Michigan, that is
here in the southwest
known for our sunsets
but my house has a secret
we get a sunrise
every day
over our little lake
so much magic
in the colors
the wind
the reflections
my father prizes those days
the mornings where the lake is like glass
so smooth and reflective
it catches every color
as though we had TWO sunrises
and I think it is special too
because of him
but to me
the best part of a sunrise
is that I see it
the colors I could not imagine
stretching as high as I can see
as far as the sky is long
such COLORS!
the clouds of their blue-gray
visible in the earliest light
then the stain of red, like fresh blood
a small, uneven half-circle
where the sun will inevitably rise
it turns to pink
the dawn is coming!
pushing warm colors before it like a dozer
oranges and pinks grace the morning
who needs a silver lining
when the clouds give me wonders?
and when the sky seems to take no more
there is the sun!
bright, warm, glowing, pulsing
full of life, and light, and burning
I can't stare at it, even though it is beautiful
the beams refracting off the water
the light is uncomfortable
as though something were staring
watching me watch the sunrise
so many nights have bled this way
darkness receding as the light takes over
but I never regret it
I know it will not last
one day I will leave here
and never return
and this magic will be lost to me
so I enjoy it
even though no one understands
I do not care
this is my moment
my sunrise
every new day
is MY new day
a gift
the most beautiful gift
and I know it
appreciate it
acknowledge it
because in this life
this short, unbearably minute life
such magic is rare
a mystery
glorious and ephemeral
when it is gone from me
given to someone else
I will miss it
so now I treasure it
so that I have no regrets
because this is my home
the only home I've ever known
a house
on a hill
by the lake
bathed in a sunrise.

I sought the sunset
The brilliant conclusion
And a star-filled night
I walked the darkness
That edge of madness
I sought the sunset
To be plunged into night
I have walked through it
Moving ever constant
Beating my own path
Towards a new life
A new horizon
I walked through the night
And out the other side
Because I seek the sunrise

With my pen poised to write
I stumble on a thought
Stagger to grasp its significance
And falter in my own reality
If I try too hard to hold on
It merely slips away
Leaving me desolate
So I hold it gently
And I listen to it whisper
A faint sound of something
I cannot make it out
I feel it flutter like a wounded bird
Slowly dying as I try to hear
Then it is gone
I am sitting here
Pen in hand
Staring at the page
Where a thought has just died
Attempting to convey
Its last breath to the world
It was a senseless death
Unrealized in its moment
I could never have captured it
Because I am not a poet.