Broken smiles
A grin of love
Forever and ever
Until we end
You take my hand
We walk a while
We speak of love
And all that comes
With being here
In this moment


You look deep
Into blue eyes
Nothing can say
What your smile does
When you look
At me like that
But then your mouth
It does not agree
It says you love
But not quite

I am friend
I am yours
But friend alone
To others we turn
When we go
I do not love him
Try as I might
He cannot compare
To anything about you
I love only you
It’s of you I dream
When I sleep at night

For once this is not
Something that makes me crazy
It gives me peace
Agony, yet peace
I can never have you
You don’t want me to
So I’ll have to watch
As another loves you
Never as much as I do

No one ever could
My darling, dearest
Best of all friends
No one could think you
More wonderful than I
It is why I hate them
Those girls you seek
Especially the bad ones
Who so deserve to die
By my own hands
But they make you happy
If just for a time
A happy you won’t
Allow me
To give to you myself

Why I earned this limbo
Only God can tell
It must have been
Something I did
I must have earned
A place in Hell
For my Hell is on earth
It is watching you
Love me with your soul
But nothing more
Pushing me at another
Yet tearing me away
All you do draws me near
It is a home I can live in

No home is perfect
Nothing is kind
I took what you offered
When it was given
So friend I am
And will always be
Until you see
That light in me
When I look in your eyes
Do you see the truth
Behind my broken smile
That I love you
Only you
As long as you want me to


*Author's note:  this is from some years ago

I woke up today
opening my eyes
to my room
I roll over
to unoccupied space
in a queen sized bed
scooting over it
and swinging my legs
off the side of the bed
onto the floor
so cold
shuffling into the bathroom
just a morning toilette
teeth brushed
vitamins taken
face washed
everything in its place
and yet still
there's something missing
confusion begins
to tickle my mind
so I hurry
ignoring the whisper
in the clutter
going into the hall
to the kitchen
for my breakfast
but its strange here too
too quiet
so cold
I grab something from the fridge
that I can eat on the way to work
hurrying away
from the silent echo
of this house
but it's just the same
when I come back
empty in its fullness
for everything I own
is in its place
perfectly arranged
like it's always been
and yet
it's still there
the emptiness
sort of like an ache
when I work out too hard
which reminds me
with purpose I go into my room
and grab my sneakers
I'm trying too hard
not to notice it
but when I sit down on the bed
I know
I know what it is
that's haunting me
an empty ghost
in a house full of me
just me
only me
alone
a single tear
the only evidence of the flood
that is closed in my throat
and I finish tying my shoes
dashing the tear from my face
with a hasty hand
that grabs the keys
closes the door
locks it
and then I run
I run hard into the street
down the sidewalk
past the neighbors
the children playing
the cars and the noise
I leave it all behind
heading for the place
that soothes me
enclosed in the trees of the park
I can think
but today
I'm not thinking
I'm feeling
feeling the hole
where my life used to be
when I was fulfilled
with what I was doing
and it was enough
but now
it's like I was cut
opened up
scooped out
left hollow
and that hollow spot
leaves an ache
that feels a lot
like loneliness
like a full house
of just me
like a made bed
with no one else in it
today I woke
to a small life
a life that is mine
and only mine
haunted by a ghost
a silent dream
and the unmade memories
of [you].

Some broken things
Can't be fixed
You broke it
And now you want me
To fix it
That won't happen
You broke my faith
You shattered my trust
And now
I don't know if
You deserve redemption
Forgiveness
Or even
My kindness
You broke us
And some broken things
Just can't be fixed.

I love too openly
Feel too freely
Never tricked by my heart
But gently persuaded
The 'what if' looms
High and powerful
Tangled with promise
And all I can think is
What do I have to lose?

Not much
It would seem
Though I do suspect
That I often abandon
What little sense was given me
For high hopes
And drowning dreams
I can pray all I want
But they are just words in the wind
And I am still a fool

Lonely people searching lonely faces
Seldom finding what they need
Always walking never sitting
Ceaseless in their misery
You watch them as they idle past
Their eyes cast to the floor
Once again you ignore their cry
As you move swiftly for the door
Everyone wants a perfect world
Where nothing is ever hard
All they want are pleasant things
Ignoring all the endless pain
I say stop this strange insanity
Let go that awful past you hold
For when your hands are finally free
You can begin to work upon the world
Build it beautiful, build it bright
With everything you've ever dreamed
Because that's why we dream our dreams
So that we have the blueprints of life

change may rattle sharply
but that's what change is for
find a penny have good luck
but luck doesn't pay bills
so work hard every day
save your pennies for tomorrow
it sounds real good except
there's no such thing as tomorrow
there is only ever today
so go do what you're told
be what they made you to be
follow all the same rules
just remember something for me
they also made the ships
berthed safe in the harbor
but that's not what you, or ships
are made for.

you hands shake
just a little tremor
the only real show
         of emotion
              that belies the calmness
                        of your face

Echoing
silence                 ringing
             on cold ears
So loud
  but     there        is
                nothing
      Only          a    ­        hollow
emptiness
                               inside.

I was hanging out
with friends
A regular Saturday
of yesteryear
Just like we used to have
A strange conversation
Began there
One that pointed out
How much I have really seen
Of this world
How open I am
Aware
And it was good
Things were said
That needed to be said
Burdens unloaded
A good time
But at the end of the night
Before I left
My friend asked
If I was happy

Such an unexpected question
I stopped for a moment
Though any pause
Always seems suspect
When one is in possession
Of a sharp wit

He clapped me on the shoulder
The drink still in him
Though he is a rather jolly fellow
And he said
That was a bit unfair of me

And all I could do
Was nod
Because what would I say?
I'm not happy
Even though my life
Is satisfactory
Do I own the truth
The wretched
Horrid
Truth?

Is it even acceptable
To give my burdens
My worries
My sadness
To someone?
Especially a good friend
Whose life is full of good?

I can't do that
I couldn't give him
Even a real hint
of the depth
Of my misery
There is no hope
For my void
I have loved
Only to lose
And I have lost
Faith

How could I express
That?
That the intelligent
Interesting
Comical
Flirtatious
Enigmatic
Mysterious
­Wonderful person
As he said
Who is so strong
She makes mountains move
Without effort
Could possibly
be dying
of loneliness?

Because it is killing me
First I tried the drink
And since that has failed
I have nowhere
to hide these feelings
Before I could have lied
Because I would have believed it
That I ached inside from the poison
Not the hollowness
Of being alone

I could not tell
One of my oldest friends
That I am so unhappy
Because in telling
My misery would be worse.

I don't need to be told
That my misery is pointless
That I should be happy
Regardless
Save your breath
I have no interest in listening
to what makes only you
Happy
As your 'advice' is self serving
And worthless to someone
As brilliant as me
Because I know just how wrong
That kind of faith is
A lie not worth repeating
Especially because
I have known love
In its rarity
I can't settle for less.

Dear Me,
I know it's been a long road
painful at every turn
full of things best called horrors
tragedy so young
so much to make up for
but look how far you've come!

You rode that wave of destiny
rode it like it was yours
and it was!
nothing ever held you back
or gave you a moment's pause
every stumble
or stagger
every time you came to your knees
you rose
and you rose above it all

Every moment you suffered
each time you felt the sting
of another loss
you changed the fates
and built yourself a ship
to sail those rough waters
crafted of experience and dreams
the canvas loosed to the winds
of change
pointing the prow towards
a glittering, brilliant future
you took it in both hands
and breathed your strength into it.

I am so proud of you
of every success
because nothing was given
you made it all happen
through knowledge
learning
determination
oh what determination you have!
always you have moved mountains
and parted the seas
a guiding light for the paths of others
an ear
a voice
urging them to carry on
for you have forged the way

So much was asked of you
without a tool to help
demanded, really, that you lead
that you make everything be alright
in the end
No one could stop you
and goodness did they try!
Every time you found the new bottom
you soared into a new height
always better then you had ever been
never taking it for granted

It is a gift in you
all of this you can do
and nothing is beyond your power
nothing beyond your reach
not everyone has this gift
possibly the most painful truth
terrible to watch them sit aside
the apathy of failure
unwilling to change
because change is scary
and why should the world be scary?

But it is, and you always knew that
fear was not something you allowed yourself
for fear is really pain
the literal mindkiller
causing stagnation and frustration
even in those who want to change
but only seek a few options
to bring it about
not you
to you, everything is possible
there is nothing that can't be fixed
no problem so insurmountable
that you would simply sit there with it
it is not your way.

And I want you to remember that
because life never gets any easier
you will grow older
you will forget some things you had learned
because sometimes
you throw out the baby
with the bathwater
and you are better than that
you are better than all of this
this silly life that people fret over
how seriously they take it!
and how strange that they do!
who of us will make it out of this life
alive?

So keep to your strength
never leave your determination
seek new challenges
always holding out a hand behind you
to help others on their way
even if their way
is not the way you are going
you still pick them up
as you always have
building them up
as you were built up
because I know you did not do this alone
you are never alone
someone helped you to become
everything you are
and you owe it to everyone else
to help them now

That is what will make this world great
and you great
greater than you are even now
nothing can stop you
except you
so don't forget
you are better than that.

I never could admit
why I hated to be touched
recoiling in terror
or anger
like how dare you
****** the queen?
and I’m sure I knew why
but I kept it inside
so alone
and so afraid
because I knew
I knew I wanted it
so bad
to be loved
liked
held
and that the desire
stemmed from a need
a real need
to be grounded to this world
to hear a heartbeat under my ear
that was not my own
and know that I wasn’t alone
to feel the warmth of another
even through clothes
just a pressure on me
that is different from
all the pressures within
and I never wanted to need that
because I provide for myself
because I can’t need people
because they will leave me
right?
and I can only count on myself
to save me
right?
RIGHT?
wrong.

Life is full
of lessons
well worth earning
just remember
if you want to cheat
that this is real life
and the only grade
is pass/fail.

It is as if the ghosts of my past
have wandered in
speaking only in whispers
too faint to understand
too loud to drown out

I wonder why they came to call?

Did I mistakenly
conjour them
stirring a settled darkness
best not meddled with?

Came they
of their own volition
knocking, crying
Nevermore?

Haha.
No
this is not fiction
these ghosts are real
old companions
though I would not
call them friends

Indeed
for they are enemies neither
simply parts of me
broken from the whole
conscious
and without souls

Memories gone nightmare
forged through a flame
Lit hot by shame
and all the other bad feelings
Which gave birth to these
abominations of spirit

They know me
the me lost to time
and the mercy of weak memories
in those around me
a side-effect of a forgiving heart
It is the only thing
that makes these ghosts
so unique:  they do not forget.

Nor should they
and I should be grateful
for such vivid reminders
but I confess
I am not

Like so many
I simply wish to forget
but that is not possible
not practical
that shame holds lessons
valuable as they are painful
ignorance may be bliss
But at such a heavy cost...

I do not know if I am ready
to pay it.

I see you, with those
Clear blue eyes
So sure and unsure
Angular face
Oh that slow grin
A charmer, you are
With your villain's beard
Quick with your hugs
And your kindness
So much passion in you
It can be frightening
But we all want to be seen
As strong
To be the hero
You are a hero
You are my hero
And you always will be.

Run away, child
Go as far as you can
It's not safe here
Not at all
Things are trying
Desperately
To worm into your brain
Don't let them in!
Run!  Go fast now, child
And maybe this once
It will be far enough
To get you away
From the silly nonsense
Of having dreams.

Hollow
I just want to be
Hollow
To hear the
Echo
Of nothingness within
Silent
Just for a moment
Still
And at peace with myself
Awhile
Though perhaps
Maybe
I don't deserve it
Cursed
Is my whole life
Blessed
In many things, yet
Never
That one thing that is
Dearest
To my aching soul
Forsaken
In the bitterest of ends
Blind
Because my heart still finds
Hope
Even in the bleakest of
Times
A ray of light emerges
Agony
To eyes so used to the dark
Piercing
Every part of my being
Until nothing is left
But holes
Pain
Fear
Suffering
Darkness
Enveloping as I bleed out
Bleeding love
Joy
Faith
Hope
Admiration
Respect
Trust
So broken
Rejected in the end
The bitter end
My end
Finality
Finally
The end.

You are the thaw
which       turns my
                             winter
             into spring
    a gentle voice
       the warmest breeze
   to blow away
                my frost
           and make
the blossoms
grow.

may the clouds always part
when you wish to view the moon
may rain fall upon your crops
and send them into bloom

may you see the best of joy
all throughout your life
may the sun shine warmly down
when you must experience strife

may the world always greet you
with arms open, strong, and kind
may you always find the courage
to truly speak your mind

may you always seek the truth
where ever it might be
may the waters smooth for you
should you choose to be at sea

may the path be clear and clean
may you never go astray
but if your heart shall falter, know
you are stronger than today

and may those you love surround you
when at last the end draws near
and may you always keep in mind
that we have always held you dear

Little pillows
Rice and flowers
Pretty gowns
And count the hours
Waiting with baited breath
For trusting hearts
Then tying knots
Shined up shoes
The sober priest
Looking joyful
As two hands meet.

there are a good many things
to mistake in this world
but do not make the mistake
of mistaking my feelings
as being similar the the ones
of your own mistake.

Let me love you!
To care for you
value you
and everything you do
To be happy in your presence
finding joy in your smiles
Please
let me wash away the hurts
and ease your pains
to help you
support you
always
because that's what love is
friendship
kinship
someone to turn to
when the world seems so lonely

Let me love you
because I want to
because it requires nothing
from you
I don't want anything from you
that's not why I love
I do it
because I am love
living breathing love
and all I want to
is love you
all of you
all the flaws
terrors, horrors, nightmares
you have been
the joys and wonders
that comprise your being

Let me love you
as I was meant to
quietly
shyly
unobtrusively
a warmth
that simply is
and don't worry
I want nothing
from you
except that you
be you
in all that you are
because who you are
is someone worth loving.

The only thing
                  I will ever regret
                            is





nothing.

too much
and not enough
echoing voices shouting nightmares
brazen hollow notes for perfection
without justifying who this is perfect for
because it is not you
it is not me
who are these voices to sound our ears
with their nonsense standards of living
I'll be the judge of that!
who would I be too much for, anyway?
I could never be too much for me
and I have always been enough
and if that's good enough for me
the rest can stuff it.

You opened my eyes
so that I might see
and when I was not looking
                                     slowly you opened my heart
with your patient kindness
  and I remembered how to feel
You reminded me what it was like
to come home to someone
   to be talked to
      and listened to
            hugged and accompanied
whether cooking in the kitchen
                together
or watching some tv
         together
driving around town for work
                                 or not work
                 together
and I do not thank you for that
        I do not thank you
                  for your kindness
because I so dislike being right
         about people
and I am right about you
that despite all your intentions
whatever it is that they are
      I have been injured
  and the fault is ours
            together
you for not listening
when I was perfectly serious
and I for knowing what would come
                          and loving you anyway
how could I not love you?
       gentle, kind, patient, intelligent
with a fun-loving streak
and a soft spot for ice cream
dedicated to your dreams
because you still have them
and because of you
       now I don't
You reminded me
that no matter what is said
        in the end
the very soon end
     you will leave
and once more I will be alone
alone in this big room
full of your people
our people
together
and I do not thank you for that.

It's just a box
Something to put other things in
Storage, if you will
Of memories attached to the physical
And so we are attached
To what we put in the box
Enough that even in waking
It will haunt our dreams
It's just a box
Four walls, a top, a bottom
Some detail here and there
Not too terribly complex
It even comes with a split lid
So that everyone can see the view.

it is against this willful heart
which I pray for the strength
to survive its beatings
that leave my sorry mind
so battered and bruised

the smoke leaves your lips
curling away in the breeze
a vapor of something inside you
caught in the whorls
whatever it is, I like it.