Seven days of circular arguments
      Six days of taunt anxiety
              Five days of happy remembering
                      Four days of bitter worries
                              Three days of attempted calm
                                       Two days of waiting to speak
                                              One day of rampant surprise
                                                   Amazing how fast the days go by
                                                         Twenty-eight days in one little week
                                                            ­   I'm so exhausted I can barely think!

I want to make a wish
Or two or three or four
Just one wish
Itemized
I want to tell you these wishes
To see how you'll react
But then again, I know
I know you so well
I know every little face
I know when you will smile
And what food you will eat
I also know how fast you go
When you drive
Especially when you think no one is looking
I wish this wasn't useless
All these secrets I keep
I wish that I didn't have to
I wish that it wasn't me
I wish I could kiss you
I wish I didn't want to
You see, these wishes, they **** dreams
I dreamt of a lifetime
Of stars and of campfires
Of a house on a hill
Surrounded by flowers
I dreamt of this life
I gave it my all
I wish it had been you
I wish I were more your type
I wish I didn't care about it
I wish, I wish
But what can I do?
Every time I go to walk
There is something you'll do
As if you know
But you don't
How could you?
Why can't you let me go?
Why won't you?
I didn't want it to be like this
I just wanted to be happy
Safe, secure, alone
What is so wrong with alone?
Because I want them
And that life
I want it all with you
Because you shatter my future
With a smile
A joke
And then you walk away
How can you do that?
What magic is this?
I wish I didn't know you
That I had never felt
I wish I were cold again
Heartless, unfeeling
I do not want to be warm
To be warm is to be alive
To have a heartbeat
My heart beats because you make it
It stops when you're not there
Because when I was young
And stupid
And naive
I told myself it didn't exist
That it wasn't going to be real
Not to expect it
Well, I wasn't looking
Or expecting
Or wanting
But it happened
I wish I could take it all back
I wish I had kissed you then
In the grass
Looking at the moon
I wish I was that brave
That willing
Maybe I am
Maybe I will be that reckless
To tell you everything
To see what happens
To walk away when you say it
Because I know what you'll say
You'll say no, never
You'll say it sadly, slowly
As though it will hurt less
Because this is unrequited
Though it doesn't have to be
We're perfect together
But I'm going to grow older
I'm going to go away
I'm not going to tell you
Until I'm ready
I'm not ready now
For now I will wish
Wish that it will end
That I'll wake up one day
And you'll be just a friend
So that I can move on
Wouldn't that be nice?
But I don't know
I just don't know
Would I want that kind of life?

Here!  Take this stick
They are coming for you
This is the fight of your life
you versus the lions
with naught but a stick in your hands
the distant roars a constant reminder
of the shadows in your memories
you cannot cry out for help
with an elephant on your chest
you can't even turn away
From the trainwreck of your life
drugged in a chemical cocktail
that your genes made for you
forced into your system
by little sensitive triggers
or really nothing much at all
a roller coaster you never wanted on
buckled in and you can't get out
you can't get out
you cant' escape the darkness
that closes in on your vision
or the racing of your heart
hammering and fluttering all at once
terrified that this is how you die
while also kind of excited
knowing that you are dead anyway
what is one day sooner?
it would be so easy
just a little slip and a bit of blood
or a quick trigger and a bullet
the brainpan goes squish
it would be so easy
to drop this stick and fall upon it
like some old fashiioned tale
I wish I could help you
to tell you that stick is really a wand
and you are capable of magic
with a flick of the wrist
you can start to change it all
that the lions are real
but they are very slow
with gums instead of teeth
that these shadows are only there
because you did not add light
they will recede and never leave
but they also won't have control
I wish I could help you
but all I can do
is remind you that what you hold
is not just a stick
and that you are not just sick
you are not your condition
but made of starstuff and determination
that you once had dreams too
and how much I love
the legacy of your heart
written in your eyes
pain and joy and compassion
I wish I could tell you that I too
learned to use that magic
that my lions became kittens
soft and sweet with just a little bite
and my shadows became shade
that I rest under when the world is too much
because it always will get that way
you will have good days
and bad days
and both are ok
it's not easy to wave that stick
it's not easy to roar back at the dark
this is the fight of your life
but you, and your life
are worth every swing
because you are perfect
and kind
and made of magic.

With my pen poised to write
I stumble on a thought
Stagger to grasp its significance
And falter in my own reality
If I try too hard to hold on
It merely slips away
Leaving me desolate
So I hold it gently
And I listen to it whisper
A faint sound of something
I cannot make it out
I feel it flutter like a wounded bird
Slowly dying as I try to hear
Then it is gone
I am sitting here
Pen in hand
Staring at the page
Where a thought has just died
Attempting to convey
Its last breath to the world
It was a senseless death
Unrealized in its moment
I could never have captured it
Because I am not a poet.

What now?
I haven't even said a thing
yet the conversation is over
why do we even need to talk at all?
is this some elaborate charade
where you satisfy your selfish need
to always feel superior?
                      We both know what will be said
                      We both know how this goes down
                      all I wish is that you had
                      the kind of faith in me
                      which I've always given you
                      but at least I got to see
                                          who you really are
                                          and where we really stand
                                          that neither of us was perfect
                                          and I was the only one
                                                      who didn't care.
so what now?
     things can't go back
                  I can't trust you
                              and it's breaking me inside
                                      just to know any of you now
                                      just knowing what you do
                             to those you call your friends
                  it makes me wonder how
you manage to have any friends at all

there is no way out of this
no chance to be friends like before
all the love and loyalty
is now entirely gone
replaced by a facade for the sake of those
who are still my friends
and your friends

                                                 I don't know what to say
                   I was mad at first
                   when you betrayed me
                   but I should have known better
                          I should have known better
                          I should have known
                                                           ­    better.

God, I'm lonely.
Not that I expect
That you will do anything about it.
I just thought you should know.
Where is my mind
And why did it wander away?
Is it so much to ask
To be considered?
Too much to ask
To be respected?
Am I so different
That no one can save me?
Because I need the saving.
God, did you make someone for me
Then forget to send them?
I am wearied
I've been playing this game
For so very long now
If you were going to give me a sign
Please make it rather obvious
This pain and confusion is blinding.
God, I'm lonely.
I just thought you should know.

- Jayme M Yaroch, January 16th, 2010

Till the world ends
and a little while beyond
higher than the stars
deeper than the darkness between
Wholly in the moonlight
during the daytime too
and it has nothing
to do
with you.

I write some words
Full of suffering
Of a wounded heart
A broken soul
So moving and yet
blase

I am not this pain
that filters through
It is part of me
but it is not me
I am so much more
so much more than pain
I am love, and understanding
laughter and wonder
I find so much beauty around me
yet when I write
All I speak of is pain

This is not who I want to be
This pain does not own me
even if it is what I feel right now
pain is temporary
It will pass quickly
but my life will not
At least not as fast
I am full of love
even if it is marked
by suffering
I know I am not alone

These words
that I am writing
they are my pain
and are part of me
but they are not all
of me

It is very important
For a lady
To give the right impression
Shake with your right hand
Serve from the left
Dance right foot back
The smallest fork is used first
And always leave it on the plate
Warm smiles never go amiss
Keep your ankles crossed
Hands folded in your lap
And when you meet a lady
Always be polite
Open the door
And say kind things
You don't have to kiss her hand
But if you plan to court her
Bring flowers

Squeezing
a heart held hostage
so tightly
is it held back
from expression
Held away from the pain
from its expectation
inadequate
the entirety of how I feel
for you are too good
far too kind and generous
to ever love a thing
like me
I am so very broken
everything wrong
a desperate soul
so afraid
for the first time in my
miserable life
I am truly afraid
that there are no more
tomorrows
no where left to look
that I am done
(what I have done)
that I am used up
alone, forgotten, discarded
trash in a ****** world
blending in so well
becoming what
I was always told I was
told to be
so many times
before I even knew you
abused and forsaken
the only way I knew
that any happiness
all love
was fleeting and terrifying
and to be avoided
though my loving heart
will never let it be
Then there was you
with your light, life
kindness
when you didn't have to be kind
I can never repay you
no one can
no one is worthy to stand
by your side as an equal
and maybe one day I'll learn
how to properly esteem
and repay you
but for now all I know
is how to love you
from over here
away from that light
to take care of your needs
small as they are
a squire of sorts
a housekeeper, a maid
and a friend
a friend who will follow you
anywhere you choose to go
shadowing your way
defending you to those
who do not want to see you
for the generous soul you are
for being the mirror
no one wants to look into
because no one wants to see
themselves reflected by you
so sharply, such contrast
yet with such patience and kindness
you are truly wonderful
a wonder
a gift
to be cherished
appreciated at every turn
and I can never repay you
for all the kindness you have done
because when I looked into that mirror
I saw where I could be
where you see me
that something was inside of me
that wasn't broken
wasn't worthless
and you are here
helping me
caring about me
loving me
and I can never repay you
and that is the only truth you've given me
that I don't know if I can bear.

I go up
the down escalator
When no one is looking
I ride the elevator down
But walk up the stairs
With jazz hands

When it rains
Puddles are
A particular favorite
I don't bother to resist
And giggle madly
as I jump

When I get to my desk
In the cubicle maze
I happily do my work
While photos of my past
Taped in a formless collage
Are all around me

I could not conceive
Of building a future
Where the smiles of the past
Are forgotten
In the blur of necessity
Nothing is so important
As those smiles

So I play with my food
And draw outside the lines
I always talk to children
Trying to see through their eyes
Because I know
When they see the world
It looks so different from mine

found a penny today
     an ugly little thing
  bent and dull copper
with edges coated green
                    heads was down
                   oh that's bad luck
            I still bent
                             and picked it up
               dropped, forgotten
        and it's just a     penny
     not good enough to keep
           even though it's     money
            life gives a lesson here
                the ugly ones seem cursed
                 not quite true
                                     but still
                             all the pretty ones do go first.

Can anyone save us
Will anyone try
You must
We all must
But no one will stand
They all sit and moan
Wailing as things get worse
You must help them
To stand
Why me?
Why does it have to be me?
If not you
*Then who?

Paraded in ignorance
A thoughtless indifference
Clouded in light
No darkness at night
Invaded
Separated
Hidden and alone
There is no place like home
Forgotten and abused
Not aware or amused
What was longed for
Is not what is in store

Oh!
A burst!
A shout!
Great blinding warmth attacks!
Doesn't know how to hold back
A flood of epic proportions
Wash away those distortions
Exposing what is inside
Too good to fear or hide
Just one hug unlocked the door
It all rushed in and still there's more!
Endless in this reverie

And you still
can't

believe

It's me.

A scream
A moan
A single creak on the rooftop
The rustle of fabric
The howl of the wind
A cricket sings a sad song of regret
Horns in the distance
A cacophony
The backdrop of living in the city
Silence
The stillness
So thick you could cut it with a knife
The jukebox
Sound of swallowing
And the stale old smell of beer
with a quick wash down the throat

I feel so heavy
My mind so full
And I can't find the words
To pour them on a page
They're swirling and stewing
Meshing and combining
Sharing parts of each other
In a rage of feelings
I can no longer decipher
Every thought I have dies
Before they hit the page
If only I could write them!
To set them free
What sweet release that would be.

It is all for naught, I say
this push and pull
the lies and the promises
all for naught!

It has given nothing
and takes things when it leaves
hidden things
secrets and dreams

why so cruel, hope?
why must you be so cruel?
'Tis all for naught

Minutes matter when
   You are sitting on
       The other side
           Of the bathroom door

                                 Minutes matter when
                                       You have to hear news
                                           From the doctor
                                                   About what is wrong

                                                          ­                        Minutes matter when
                                                            ­                             When what you think you know
                                                            ­                         Is something
                                                       ­                         Completely different


                                               I had a dream last night
                                          I was dressed all in white
                                         Clothes like the angels wear
                                           There was a baby in my arms
                                          Safe, sleeping, breathing, warm
                                        Then it was gone
                                          I don't know where it went
                                             It was just a dream
                                          And like all dreams
                                             It had a meaning
                                                But this one was
                                                           Lost on me

I was moving
   Down a corridor
  The wind was strong
In my dream
Where I was going
     I don't know
   But it didn't really matter
  I saw their faces
  Blurring as I moved past
    Full of emotions
  Sadness, pity, fear
   They knew something
That I didn't

                                                         ­                        When I woke
                                                            ­                    From this dream
                                                           ­                        I knew nothing
                                                         ­                             So it would seem
                                                            ­                    I had my visit
                                                           ­                       I heard the news
                                                            ­                         My minutes passed
                                                          ­                               And I was changed
                                                         ­                           Yet still the same
                                                            ­                     Now I understand
                                                      ­                            What their looks meant
                                                           ­                     They already knew
                                                            ­                    That my minutes were spent

                                                          ­  Because of what I can't control
                                                        T­hese faces and eyes
                                                   They won't see me whole
                                                Judging me
                                                          Neve­r letting it be
                                                   I wish I had never asked
                                               I wish they didn't know
                                            Just one little thing
                                        Changed my life

So take this time
     Think a while
  Ponder your minutes
       Before they expire
  Use them up
       Fill yourself with love
                                    and living
                   And don't waste your time
                      or else Life is rather
                                                     unforgiving.