A great man gave this to me
advice from the lips of a father
like a father
but not my father
but like him
if he were a self-made millionaire
with advice to give
that this self-made business owner
ought to pay some heed to
and so it went,

"By yourself,
darkness can overcome you.
You can't do it all alone.
But we're here with you,
all of us, that's what we do.
If you don't succeed
we didn't succeed in teaching you."

So like a parent
concerned with the fate of a child
telling us to be stronger than we feel
braver than we have known
and to follow that great gleaming WHY
the WHY we do what we do
the WHY we are in this room
with a new father
teaching us all the principles

To every day improve
to control our emotions
to live in peace
that we are all accepted
for who we are
and that we are complete
within ourselves
that we must all serve others
before we can succeed ourselves
to never let fear in
and know we are truly blessed
and above all
that integrity means more
than all the affirmations in the world.

It only takes once
just one time
to change the course of history
one moment
which alters everything
Just one breath
a word, a whisper
a certain kind of persistence
And then all the horrors
of the past
forgotten

Sadness isn't just one emotion
      it's a blanket
                   that warms the others
                                Warm, how unusual
            yet all my sadness
                               is never cold
                                                            ­                              never cool
                  I like things that are
                          cool
   and I do not like sadness
                               no, to me it is warm
                                     uncomfortably so
         as though lit by the fires of a hell I don't believe in
a torment in false hopes
         hope that is so warm
                just like sadness
                                       which is like
               hope and despair
              seasoned with twinges of guilt
                             and anxiety
  like the horrid blush that comes
when you've done something naughty
burning so hot you fear your face
     will melt
         that is what sadness feels like
                                                            to me
   wretched and horrid and never enough shame
       So silly, to think there's something that ought to go with it
                                              as though sadness itself were not enough

         perhaps they were right
            you can become addicted
                        to a certain kind of sadness
           like a drug of sorts
  a chemical cocktail you brew in your mind
          to douse your feelings when you don't want them
      because sadness is safe
                                                 it's familiar
                                                        ­                                        and you know how to deal with it


                                        so you think

                      even as it eats you alive from the inside
              you think you can control it
                         that you can stop whenever you want
                                and that's the lie of it
                                                        becaus­e
                                                        sadness
                           isn't just sadness
        it's everything else we don't need
                                     don't want
                            
         shame
                         remorse                                  
                                                     regret       
                              fear

          ­                   why hold on to them?
                         yet I can't seem to stop
           it pulls me back
addicted to the drug of familiarity
       funny, I think, to be addicted to shame
                                   touted so long as something to shy away from
         that regret is not worth the effort
   and remorse a thing
to let go of
        yet here I am
clasping them in my hands
  breathing life to them
      when they wither
terrified when they are gone
       a curse that I know will return
                     so why wish for it to leave?
           A life can be lived in the warmth
                          not a good one, albeit
                    but a life
                        instead of a lie
                     an addiction to sadness
                                 rather than
                         happiness
          at least I shall never be disappointed.

Burning bright
Like a candle lit
'Luminates a life
I'll help you find it
Give me your hand
Mine's mostly warm
So I can hold you
Against this storm
Oh, so cold you are!
What trick is this?
Who are you really?
What did I miss?
The candle's out!
Where did it go?
What happened here?
I deserve to know!
You took my heat
My heart as well
You said you loved
And so I fell
You took my warmth
Gave me your cold
So deep inside
It makes me old
Old, alone
Forsaken too
All of this
Because of you
Just one *****
My candle died
No more light
I'm dead inside

- 07/09/09

Floating on the wind
Slow and gentle
Their beauty known
The world over
So much fuss
For just a flower
Sakura
An end to winter
The start of something new
Symbolize prosperity
And feminine beauty
To mean so much
On such soft small petals
I wish to be as beautiful
As you.

Oh succulent mushrooms
how I do love you!
Such a little hafling I am
eating my mushrooms
as though I too had hairy feet
Why anyone would you think
that you smell or taste like death
is beyond me
For in my experience
what tastes like death
often has that in its happening
meat cut up by the butcher's knife
The essence of the smell
and the best of all its scents, to be sure
I have smelled death, and the dead
And not just those perfumed in parlors
covered in the sweet-smelling powders
That is not death, it is a lie
death smells like shame and fear
of things that happened which I cannot imagine
death does not smell like earth
it never smells like life
mushrooms are of the dirt
and scent as such and more
of loam and forests and creatures alive
it smells like childhood and mud
mushrooms are not like death at all
death roams the light, taking and giving
with impunity
mushrooms are things of the dark
growing in the dampness of life
like little umbrellas against the world.

I don't know how this came to be
How I forgot myself in your eyes
Something happened after I left that day
That made all of the good things vanish
Or is this my illusion?

You said you cared and I believed
What is wrong with me?!
How could I forget who you really are
So fickle and indecisive
Unable to face up to what you feel
Though what it is I'm not entirely sure
That you even know

I listened to you, even after you were gone
I listened so hard that I changed
I understood things I hadn't before
I grew up
Every day I would hear your voice
Chastising, lecturing
And still you were right
About everything
So I changed, and I learned, and I listened.

Then you couldn't let me go
I was content to smile at you
To talk to you
To be friends once more
But then you kissed me
And all of that easy complacency
Was out the door
It was wild, and it was fun
And I'd never take it back
Because no matter what you say
I know how you feel
Even if you won't admit it

I listened to the words you said
And the ones that you didn't
I listened when you would start to speak
And I listened when there was silence
I have been listening to you
Because you asked me to
But I didn't change for you
I changed for me
To be happier, brighter, bubbly
To find myself again
To do it I had to listen
And you were right, all along
Why can't you see that?
I changed, and I learned, and I listened.

Didn't you hear me?
I LISTENED

My home is on a lake
a small thing
almost ordinary
for this part of the world
but my lake is special
it is different
for through my windows
is magic
the sunrise is here
which for here is odd
since we are accustomed
to the sunset of the lake
Michigan, that is
here in the southwest
known for our sunsets
but my house has a secret
we get a sunrise
every day
over our little lake
so much magic
in the colors
the wind
the reflections
my father prizes those days
the mornings where the lake is like glass
so smooth and reflective
it catches every color
as though we had TWO sunrises
and I think it is special too
because of him
but to me
the best part of a sunrise
is that I see it
the colors I could not imagine
stretching as high as I can see
as far as the sky is long
such COLORS!
the clouds of their blue-gray
visible in the earliest light
then the stain of red, like fresh blood
a small, uneven half-circle
where the sun will inevitably rise
it turns to pink
the dawn is coming!
pushing warm colors before it like a dozer
oranges and pinks grace the morning
who needs a silver lining
when the clouds give me wonders?
and when the sky seems to take no more
there is the sun!
bright, warm, glowing, pulsing
full of life, and light, and burning
I can't stare at it, even though it is beautiful
the beams refracting off the water
the light is uncomfortable
as though something were staring
watching me watch the sunrise
so many nights have bled this way
darkness receding as the light takes over
but I never regret it
I know it will not last
one day I will leave here
and never return
and this magic will be lost to me
so I enjoy it
even though no one understands
I do not care
this is my moment
my sunrise
every new day
is MY new day
a gift
the most beautiful gift
and I know it
appreciate it
acknowledge it
because in this life
this short, unbearably minute life
such magic is rare
a mystery
glorious and ephemeral
when it is gone from me
given to someone else
I will miss it
so now I treasure it
so that I have no regrets
because this is my home
the only home I've ever known
a house
on a hill
by the lake
bathed in a sunrise.

I am awake, so tired
reaching for the alarm
I have overslept
with a shrug I continue
rising to the day
ignoring the birds
forgetting the feel of sunshine
Just.  So.  Tired.
As though a drag has been
attached to my feet
to my very mind
useless, less than useless
yet ever present
I don't make coffee anymore
it never helps
nothing helps
nothing except the sweet release
of sleep.
But I can't always sleep
I must live, must walk about
even if I am only a zombie.
I skip breakfast
no longer hungry for food
or anything else for that matter
I dress in the usual
slacks and button down shirt
trouser socks and loafers
What a boring look
but boring is the new business
and we can't all be like Michael Douglas
from Wall Street
Just.  So.  Tired.
My days drag on, one after another
until the only identifier
is the date at the top of my emails
I don't care if it's Monday or Friday
what do I have to look forward to?
Nothing, that's what.
Nothing
and sleep.
I can't wait to go back to sleep.
By the time I punch out
it's all I'm thinking about.
I'm not concerned for my empty stomach
or that I missed lunch
and I probably won't eat dinner.
I didn't shop for groceries
so I'm not even sure if there's something to eat
and quite frankly, I just don't care
I just want to sleep.
Because when I sleep, I dream
and while not all of them are good
every once in a while
I have a dream that fills me
fulfills me
reminds me that I had other kinds of dreams
once.
Sometimes these little dreams motivate me
and I'll remember to shower
to eat
to buy new shoes
sometimes these dreams break through the fog
and I live for those moments.
So fleeting, so rare
Sigh
Just.  So.  Tired.

Oh this is a dangerous game
Like playing chicken
with hand grenades
All you have to do is get close

So dangerous that there is a thrill
Hanging by fingertips
that are starting to chill
One slip and you're a goner

Look at these two feet
    Bare, naked
       Standing in the cold
           They have walked
        A thousand miles
     And they will walk
        A thousand more
             Feet that have felt the sand
           Stirring between the toes
         The dewy grass
                They've felt sticks and stones
                     These two feet will always stand
                        Even with a broken heart
                          They stride on
                            Towards a future that will not wait
                             Towards a happiness unimagined
                             These two feet
                            Oh yes they can!
                            Just two feet
                        And my heart in my hand
                   Head held high as I walk on.

You say it so casually
"Mine."
As though by saying it
Then it is meant to be
You repeated it when I
Denied
For I fully know you are not
"Mine."
Our history forbids it
All sources say against it
How could we begin again
With everything left so unsaid
You still hurt
And still seek others
Then describe what you want
It's me
And you know it
And still want it
And want it to not be me
I'd say go **** yourself
But I wouldn't really mean it
In spite of your stupidity
And avowed non-commitment
I still love you
I'm willing to let you hurt me
Because when you leave
I want you to see this time
That under no circumstances
Did you tell the truth
When you said
"Mine."

Give me just a moment
I'll be right with you
even though this is my job
I still make you wait
because I can't lose
my sense of POWER
of the time I hold over you
because time is money
and money is everything
so I'll take just a moment
or all the time I need
to make you feel insignificant
unimportant
as though you do not matter
because in this moment
this space in time
I am God
and I control your fate
even if
for just a moment.

I’m not cool
In fact, I’m rather awkward
I’ve lived a life
So interesting
That I hide it from the world
I can’t share who I am
I hardly know what I am
Crazy
Ambidextrous
I love to lip-sync
I randomly dance about
I can’t draw at all
I can’t sing a single note
I can’t really dance
Too fat
But with a pen I can do anything
Give me an inch
I’ll give you a mile
Take my hand
And I will show you a smile
I’m not perfect
I wouldn’t want to be
I am not what was wanted
Or what was expected
I’m so deep into life
That I have no hope
A future obscured
Only what I can make for myself
Truly, it is easier this way
Not easy, but at least I know
I don’t have to wonder
if I can love
But my attachment is stronger
Too strong, too much
I hate my romantic side
I wanted a fairy tale
Too bad they were tragedies
And this is my life
It is what I’ve made it
I wanted so badly
To kiss a pair of lips
Who wanted to kiss mine
To run hands over his shoulders
Feel his fingers on my hip
Pulling me closer
Unable to let me go
I wanted a smile
That reached my eyes
I wanted to fill
What was empty inside
I didn’t need someone
I needed the love
If I could do it alone
You know I would
But I can’t
That’s why that hole is in us
So that we have to fill it
Oh tragedy!
Too much
Too late
I’m never enough
This is harsh Fate
Nothing can change
Nothing can alter
What life deems is ours
Except our hearts
They can change
When I did suffer
Was it enough?
To learn what was
In my heart?
Now this only reminds me of dreams
Moments that were lost
I could have hated dreams
Instead I ran away
Be gone, Hope!
Don’t call for me
Or bother me again
I‘ll forget these dreams
Eventually
And these thousand words
Hidden in a poem
Which will heal my heart
But Hope, you can keep that soul
I’ve no need of it
Hell is where I belong
The Devil can negotiate with you
To get it back
I’m sure He’s interested
Now I’m off
To live my life quietly
Slowly
Alone
I’ll sing in my room
But never in the shower
It sounds awful
And you may laugh
Or perhaps sigh
But this is MY life
And I will be happy
In spite of everything
I will be HAPPY
And I have so much more to say
I won’t wait anymore
No one will care to read this
I’m no artist, or poet
This poem *****, but it’s mine
And I think it’s beautiful
Honest
Strange
Without structure
Hardly unpredictable
Though you must have an open mind
To read it
It took too long
To get to the point
You got lost
You’re not even here
Then again
Were you ever?
Are any of us?
I’ve lost myself
I’ve done it so many times
I now know where to look
But maybe I don’t want to
Maybe I won’t
Perhaps I’ll go on
Lifeless
Soulless
But never heartless
No, I can feel it beating
Painful, painful beating
As though it too gave up
And now just does the motions
crying
Why did my new life
Begin when my courage failed?
I can’t live on just dreams
I can’t live a fantasy
I want a reality
I want a life lived hard
Fully
Breathlessly
So I’m going to go see you
Whoever you are
And tell you
How I feel
And then leave you be
To think about what you would have said
But you can’t say anything now
And that’s ok
I kind of deserve it
For all the hearts I’ve broken
To never know your words
I need to pass this by
But Hope needs to stop
Flagging me down
I’ll offer it the lead
Because there is really nothing I can do
Except tie up loose ends
Because I’m moving away
Going forward
I’m going on an adventure
Come if you like, friend
But I have to go
I won’t stop now
I can’t, and I shouldn’t
I will walk the miles
I will find who I want to be
Because I already have myself
I’ll take this sham of a heart
This unrequited dream
I’ll kiss this goodbye
Before I go
Just to say I did
Because I understand
That life is sometimes unfair
That dreams are born to die
Sometimes to die with us
But it never had to end this way
This is my fault
It always is
I fell
I loved
I failed
I cried
I tried
But it didn’t work
Maybe nothing works
Perhaps the truth will
But I know the truth
I won’t be surprised
I won’t expect anything
I can’t even hope
But I want to know
What it’s like
To kiss someone
Deeply, thoroughly
To hold them tightly as I do
I want to see the look in their eyes
As I say that shaken goodbye
Of all the loves
I will ever have
The one I did not take
I’ll regret the most
And it will be the only one
It’s the one love
That I didn’t have the faith
To try
I’m certainly a coward
I didn’t want to live without these things
But I have to
This is not a life
It’s a dream
I want to live with dreams
But not in a dream
I want love
With respect
Consideration
A future
I had no future here
Not really
My future is out there
It’s beyond the stars
Beyond any heartsick home
I’ve made here
Because life is full of these trials
And these errors
And sometimes it takes forever
Just like this poem
To tell us that
It’s ok to end
To begin again

Good Lord, I'm tired
It's been such a long day
A weary year, in fact
I didn't think I could do it
So many things happened
Some of them good
Most of them, not so much
A few were just awful
But I made it through
Though I'm so tired
I just want to rest my head
And sleep for a while
Not yet, though
I still have some things to do
And the year isn't over
Good Lord, watch over me
Like you always have
Please keep me strong
Strong enough to make it
Through just one more day.

Dear friend
do, take a moment
though you are busy
what I have to say
may save your life

Dear friend
listen, just a while
for my heart is open
ready to give you aid
to save you from yourself

Dear friend
you must, there is no doubt
let go of all of this
it is hurting you
and I cannot stand your pain

Dear friend
I implore you
I'm begging you
listen to what I say
your struggle is in vain

Dear friend
let it go, let all of it go
these things you cling to
as though they too
needed you

Dear friend
do not believe their lies
these feelings you have
deep inside of you
will surely **** you

Dear friend,
believe me when I say
that these regrets are worthless
as was everything
which created them

Dear friend
release them to the wild
these bad habits of yours
you are not a nun
let these bad habits go!

Dear, dearest, faithful friend
know that I love you
in all your parts
because you are worthy
and should never be alone

Dear friend,
you are me
and I am you
we are one
in this together

Dear friend
one last time
I will ask that you hear me
for it will soon be too late
and you will be gone

Forever.

I've been a fool
and I've been blind
ignoring the ground
beneath my feet
or the sun in my eyes
thinking to stride
proud and tall
from start to finish
as though confidence
were all that mattered

Faithless pride
displayed but not believed
a thin facade
which I hid behind
why show the world your face
when they only call you ugly?
I'm ****** if I do
and ****** if I don't
why do they care so much anyway?

Just leave me alone
it was my decision to hide
to run away
dragging along my pride
as if it alone could save me
sometimes my stupidity
is amazing

No one is an island
because we're all drowned
drifting along
like lumps of wood
drenched to the bone
with emotions and feelings
wrapped up in our minds
and choked with a false sense of reality
****** with too much pride

I should stop
take some time to listen
to hear what I say
and realize what that means
I didn't before
I won't now
why bother
I spend so much time analyzing
trying to say the right things
to be true to me
while placating the world
and nothing ever really works

I'll always be ****** if I do
and ****** if I don't.

Speaking loudly
Nothing to say
But they will say it all day
Without temper to the content
No care to who they offend
Ranting and raging
So much anger!
Why do they shout so loud
Never asking the question
But expecting an answer?

Thump
Thump thump
Thumpity thump
And it flips over
Flopping on the floor
Like a ****** up fish
Gushing and gooing
Just everywhere
Oh god
It's everywhere
The blood and thicker things
Thump thump
Thumping on the floor
As though it were
Taking a final breath
Dying, right there, on the floor
(Thump)
****, I'd just cleaned in here
For pity's sake
What is wrong with me
(Thump thump)
Letting this happen
Again
As if I never learn
Always doing the same thing
Over and over
(Thump)
At least, now that we're here
(Thump)
All of this
Will soon
Be
(Thumpity thump)
Over
As my heart lies there
Thumping blood onto the floor
Blood and all of my love
****** from my chest
For all my bad decisions
Every hopeful moment
Each rejection of love
The betrayals and backstabs
(Thump)
All of it
Over
At last.
Silence.

I wish this life were simple
An ever constant breeze
In which to cast a sail
An end to the tacking
No more catching the tide
Or having it leave without you
Less work, more speed
Smoother seas to sail

Of course such a life
Would be simple indeed
Everything the same
Which would be very boring
A wind to carry you everywhere
And it never stops
Perhaps that sounds more
Like a nightmare
A journey that always passes
Your destination.

I must speak with you
on a matter most urget
it is of my heart
of the cloud settled there
my mistrust
the sheer uncertainty
of the hearts of those
nearest me
why can we not speak
except that I am wrong
when what is wrong with me
is how I am treated?
This was a mistake
all of it was foolish
how could I have let you in
so very far?
Don't I know better
than to let people near?
At this distance
there is no more distance
yet the chasm between
You and I
is immeasurable
I don't know how to fix it
If I let things go
nothing will change
but the changes I'm forcing
are terrifying
and I do not know
if they will make things better
or simply make them worse.

I don't know how it happens
These dreams
I know they grow from somewhere
I decide to let them in
As though I've forgotten what they do to me
It's a bendy sort of reality
My world, that is
Where I sit alone
Dreaming some lovely dreams
To base my reality from
But then I forget which is which
At least for a while
Then I am reminded
Life is no dream
No sir
And my dreams are the dangerous kind
Not about power
Or money
Or success, no
Those are my ambitions
Never my dreams
My dreams are dangerous
World-changing
Life-altering
Addicting
Terrible as they are beautiful
Ever so tantalizing
Dreams of backyards
Baking
Christmas
Children
Stolen kisses in a hallway
Over laundry and power tools
Your smile
My laugh
Two hearts in a single home
What dreams!
Just dreams, my dream
And I wonder if I figure
Into your dreams?

Taken in stride where no other bides
swift swelling of the heart
In beauty lives the fragile frame,
a ticking clock while the mind searches
in fruitless abandon

One moment in time, a false hope.
No home gone forsaken in what was offered
to lead way onto way and moving forward
Leak leisure as words fail
falling through cracks in the ceiling
Crawl away with sweet suffering smiles
burning inside with the prickly wonder that will not fade
To this minute, this very second yield nothing

Perfect in the resolution of these sentiments
to forbear with unanswered patience these cries of longing.
Feeding fear in endless wells of obscurity where shadows march in time
Bringing in them the full sorrow of an empty soul
There is no sunshine in the wind.

Howl for the mighty honor of being the loudest
Arrogance disguised as intelligence
a waltzing masque full of pretty ribbons and bourbon breath
No eyebrow raised this day
Not in any day that shades life lived fully.

Question not as others have this silent broken mind,
dwelling in the rank depths of ignorance and despair
No hope for the faithful, no pause for the weary.
This shallow life is a silent tragedy played on a stage full of Juliets
and souls are lost among the quickening heartbeats.

I sought the sunset
The brilliant conclusion
And a star-filled night
I walked the darkness
That edge of madness
I sought the sunset
To be plunged into night
I have walked through it
Moving ever constant
Beating my own path
Towards a new life
A new horizon
I walked through the night
And out the other side
Because I seek the sunrise

Creeping shadows
Falling down
Carry me
Below the ground
A place awaits
Dark and cold
Where wonder lies
And tales are told
Here is magic
Terrors, dreams
Where all is real
Not what it seems
Twists and bends
Rank smell of death
The foulest air
Take one last breath
As terror moves
Beneath the skin
No lies now
What is your sin?
Truth to own
None can call
If you're to climb
Or merely fall
Surrounded then
In bleak and cold
By terrors deep
And nightmares old
Confusion chokes
Drowns the mind
Turned around
Too lost to find
Walk away
Come running near
In the dark
There’s much to fear
A glimpse of life
Cold as death
Where shadows lie
Like all the rest
No lighted hope
No chilling fear
In this place
Where none are near
Lost in shadow
The pain is real
And dreams are truly
What you feel
Drive the nails
Move the soil
Given up
No more to toil
So carry me
Below the ground
Tis only here
I’m safe and sound