Jay: Favorites

Jul 2013 Jay

LJ Chaplin

I'll tear you apart,
I'll rip you to shreds,
Without using violence,
I'll use words instead,
I don't give a ****,
If it was only a joke,
Stick your ego in your pipe,
And give that a smoke.

You can't tell me that it was a tease,
There are better ways of teasing,
Without being a ******,
Oh, I'm sorry, I reacted too quick?
I've put up with enough ****,
Stop being a ****.

I'm sick of your games,
You do make me laugh,
You first act like an angel,
Then break me in half.
Here's a quick reminder,
You're weaker than glass,
So don't give me crap,
**Because I'll be kicking your ***.

Jul 2013 Jay

SQUARE PEGS

Jul 2013 Jay

Traveler

SQUARE PEGS

I found no comfort
Cradled in Mother’s arms
And I never believed Father
Could protect me from all harm…

So I should have seen it coming
A world without love
Empty of compassion, void of mercy
False faith in gods above…

Faceless now, nowhere now
Is my loveless yesteryears
Abandoned as the stepchild
Who pretends to disappear…

I found no comfort in
Studying ancient words
It all adds up to trusting in
Stories so absurd…

So take me now, wash me now
There’s nowhere now for these pieces that won’t fit
Force a square peg of logic in a round hole of superstition
And brokenness is what you’ll get…

Jul 2013 Jay

A letter to nobody

Jul 2013 Jay

Daisies And Stories

A letter to nobody

I think I've stopped being human long ago. I am a ghost of who I used to be. The ghost of a person who laughed at the sky and danced with the sea and believed that things always get better. But it's been two years and it hasn't gotten better. And I'm starting to think it never will. I can't bring you back. I can't turn back time. I can't stop that yellow cab from slamming into your chest. I swear I would have moved heaven and hell if you wanted me to. I still put out 2 sets of plates and forks and spoons everyday, did you know? I threw out our bed because it just kept reminding me that you aren't here and you will never be here again. There is a continuous ache in my chest and a hole in my heart in the shape of you that no amount of alcohol can ever fill. People say that if you drink enough ***** it tastes like love. That is complete and utter *******. ***** tastes like crying on the floor at 3 am and smashing every glass at home and pain pain pain. You were my home and you left me. I ******* love you and you left me. I know it isn't your fault but **** sometimes it sure does feel that way.

Jul 2013 Jay

Intoxication

Jul 2013 Jay

LJ Chaplin

Intoxication

Pounding head as I lay in bed,
Unaware what time of day it is,
Glazed eyes
As I fantasize about what happened the night before.
****, I'm starving.
I stagger downstairs to the kitchen,
Fixing myself something to eat that is far from ordinary,
I take a bite and my stomach churns,
It burns my throat.
No, that's it, I'm going to be sick.
The toilet waits with open arms,
Calm, collected as my head hangs in the balance,
Between humiliation,
*And the personal survival of a brutal and savage night beforehand.

Jul 2013 Jay

The Mind of a Killer

Jul 2013 Jay

LJ Chaplin

The Mind of a Killer

What are you doing? Stop, please just stop!

My conscience is screaming at me,
Throwing itself against the barricades of my mind,
Kicking and punching so violently that my skull throbs with the pain.

But another voice is telling me otherwise
Pull the trigger. Go on, it'll be fun!
I feel the guttural tremors of its laugh ripple through my bones.
Pull the trigger!
My hands start to tremble.
Pull the trigger!
My mouth becomes dry.
Pull the trigger!
Pull it!
Pull it!
PULL IT NOW!

A wave of pressure washes through me,
My ears are ringing,
Pulsing with the cries of a million particles of air hurtling through the sky,
All finding refuge deep in the crevice of my eardrums.
I see the crimson blood on the floor.
What have you done?
My conscience is sobbing.
What have you done? What have they done to deserve this?
Animal
Savage
Murderer

But the voice silences it.
And now I can *really think.
I feel the muscles in my cheeks pull,
But it isn't me,
The voice is controlling the smile that I have on my face.
Well done.
**Now you're mine.

Jul 2013 Jay

Another Perspective

Jul 2013 Jay

LJ Chaplin

Another Perspective

I've always wanted to see what it is like to be me from an external perspective,
To separate from my body
Like a ghost
And watch myself as I go through the day.

I have some idea of how it would be:

He wakes up in the morning, stretching and feeling his muscles uncoil after hours of claustrophobic unrest,
After showering and getting ready he leaves the house and walks to college. It's healthier than taking a bus.
He walks past the crowds of school kids, sorting out his shirt and ******* in a little so people don't stare,
Sighing a breath of relief as they all float past, their eyes only fixated on their phones and friend's faces.
When he arrives at college he braves the main corridor where everybody sits, eyes on the floor but feeling hundreds of others scanning and mocking his image.
It has been a long day, and he finally gets to go home where he can feel free and let himself go a little.

And that's when I'd come back to myself.
I wish I could replay the whole day on a screen,
Analyse every moment of wrapping my arms lightly around my stomach when I sit down,
How I shrink into the background as friends start talking about their *** life and their partners,
When I walk with my gaze constantly skimming across the faded linoleum tiles on the floor,

**I wish I could watch myself from another person's perspective and be that one person who he knows won't judge him, or at least won't feel paranoid about being judged.

Jul 2013 Jay

you're insulting my strength, i'm immune to you, pt. 2

Jul 2013 Jay

Dorothy Quinn

you're insulting my strength, i'm immune to you, pt. 2

Tell me, please,
what makes you think I’m not capable
of loving you.
What makes you think that I’ve
never fallen in love with boys who
had nightmares so horrible that they wouldn’t sleep
for days upon days and boys who hallucinated
six crows always circling above my eyes.
Let’s not forget the boy who cringed
and cried when I touched him,
because of where his father’s hands wandered when
he was only five years old.

Tell me, please,
why I don’t know how to love people
who are easy to love,
or why you think that you are some
drastic case of sorrow, survivor’s guilt,
and enough anxiety and depression to bury the world -
you are not. I’ve loved people
who had laid themselves in
deeper graves than you.
Believe me, there is enough scar tissue around my heart
to handle loving every single
part of you.

Darling,
you are not exempt from love.

Jul 2013 Jay

I'm Sorry I Left You

Jul 2013 Jay

LJ Chaplin

I'm Sorry I Left You

I'm sorry I left you happiness,
You didn't deserve to be alone,
But they took me from you so quickly,
They dragged me from my home.

I was beaten and tormented,
From past fears and bad mistakes,
But believe me when I tell you,
My soul wasn't theirs to take.

Tortured and neglected,
Abandoned in a darkened room,
I miss you and I know you miss me,
I promise I'll be home soon.

I broke free from my captors,
Running with blood on my knees,
To meet you on the front porch,
Forgive me happiness, **please.