Let me tell you a secret, I hope you keep it to yourself
I try not to show it so often but I guess I am depressed
Oh no, I’m sorry I didn’t mean it unload my burden on you
I was just having this feeling and I didn’t know what to do

You see at first I thought it was just a bad day
That I’d stay in and watch some movies and be okay
But then it became a bad week, and then a bad month
And slowly I lost the count of the days, I felt worthless

I was doing everything that I did as usual but
the time slowed down and the pictures started to lose colors
At first I thought it was just me
but then the whole world started to seem blur

The most difficult task became getting out of bed every day
So I started staying in, sleeping or just lying down
thinking it was just a day off, a much needed break
but little did I know it would gradually become my escape

I tried “reaching out” to the people around me
who posted on social media that they can help and ****
but I didn’t want to just load it all on someone
so I tried to be subtle, indirectly leaving some hints.

People thought it was for the trend, I was being cool
They handed me more bricks to build a stronger wall
From being away from God to being delusional
I heard it all.

I didn’t realize when I began losing people
Maybe it was the wall that kept them out or
maybe they just didn’t want to have someone like me around
someone who they’d talk about later of course.

I see I’ve been speaking since some time now
And you look tired and bored of me
Wait, let me tell you a joke or two
anything you want, please just don’t leave.

I’m stupid?
Yes! Of course.
I’m so stupid that I’d try to **** myself
by jumping from the ground floor.

Did that make you laugh? Oh I’m glad!
I hope you didn’t notice how badly I wanted to say
top floor instead of ground floor
because that would have only scared you away.

So I was telling you about how people left me alone
They didn't understand my isolation and coldness were just
attempts to find someone to hold onto during the storm
but instead I became invisible just like this poem

I couldn’t blame them though, I never would
You can’t force people to be there for you
No matter how much you want to
No matter how much they should.

I understood them despite all the dark clouds around me
I could see their fears, their thoughts, their priorities
Everyone had a right to have someone better
But they were just afraid to end up on the letter

They didn't realize how they weren't supposed to cure me
They just had to be kinder and show some empathy
But that's alright, sometimes they need it themselves too
Maybe that's why I try to be always there because I've walked in those shoes.

Instead of filling our hearts with hatred and disgust
We should look around, we all are humans
We should understand each others' pain, make them feel okay
We should try to make sure that their bad days are just bad days.

Life's too short to regret when it's too late
You can't spend it living in a state of what ifs
What if I had just called her and asked her how she was?
What if I had just stayed there when she tried to cut everyone off?

Oh, is it time for you to go?
I guess I should too.
Thank you for listening to me
I hope this stays between me and you.

For all those men who think they can understand how it feels to be a girl,
You can’t.

You can’t understand how it feels to open your eyes in the world
With everyone looking down on you and your mother
Because they were expecting a boy and not a girl.
You can’t understand how it feels to be raised up differently than boys
Because boys will be boys
And girls, girls will always have to compromise and sacrifice
For every man to enter their lives.
You can’t understand how it feels to see boys running around, chasing their dreams
While girls are stuck with barbie dolls and fairness creams
And how they are trained to sit and stand and talk and eat
And oh, my God, girls keep your voices down
The society should not even hear you breathe.
You can’t understand how it feels when a girl is growing up
While she is considered as a toy by men around her
For all the ****** frustration
Did I say something wrong? I meant “for all the love and affection”
When he comes up and says
Oh, little one, don’t be scared, I am your uncle
And we are going to play a little game
It’s called you keeping your mouth shut and not calling it a ****.
You can’t understand how it feels to have a pair of eyes on you all the time
Whether you’re in your home or out in the streets.
There are men all around, staring you, tracing your body
As if it is their responsibility to check out every girl entirely
From head to toe, whether she’s in a burqa or a pair of jeans.
You can’t understand how it feels to carry the weight of all the honor
On tiny shoulders, which are supposed to be carrying school bags
Honor of your family, your community, the society
Even protecting the honor of men with fragile masculinity
Wrapping it all in duppatas longer than their *****
While hiding your own identity behind the tags that you’re given.
You don’t know how it feels to live a life designed by men
Making every single move based on someone’s decisions
Like a lion in a circus performing tricks to please an audience.
You can’t understand how it feels to listen to all the filthy jokes they crack
About girls getting better grades or washing dishes or driving in the fast lane
No matter what a girl does, no matter how much she gets successful
At the end of the day, it is all a joke on the dinner table.
“Go bring another gol roti, beghum”
You can’t understand how it feels to carry another life inside your body for nine months
Enduring all the pain and cramps and still doing all the work
While all you hear is how it is a woman’s job to give birth
And oh, to make sure that it is a baby boy
As if a woman has the choice to choose the gender.
You can’t understand how it feels when after all the struggle they tell you it’s a baby girl
Your heart fills up with joy and sinks down in your stomach
When you think about the fate that awaits her.
And you hold her close to your chest, trying your best to protect her
From all the people looking down on you and your daughter
For being a girl.


So, you can’t. You can’t understand how it feels to be a girl.
Because if you did, you would have wished
For it all to be just words.

This is the last poem I'll ever write as a 19 year old
I don't know if I should summarize the years I have spent
Or talk about the future and what lies ahead.
It's not easy to write anymore.
Words, they just keep slipping
like the string of a helium balloon
that I always jumped to hold, as a kid
but it would always fly away
just after touching the tips of my fingers
making me realize that I was almost there.
Almost.
Almost but never really there.
And I'd look at the balloon flying away
slowly turning into a dot
before forever being a part of the sky
And I'd wonder. I'd always wonder if I could just
let go of my strings one day
and fly away....
Would I be able to escape this place?
Would I be able to reunite with the balloon someday?
But little did I know that
letting go wasn't so easy.
It was much more than opening your fingers
and letting it fly away with the wind.
The strings which held me down were
wrapped around my finger tightly
you know, like we used to tie a rubber band
around our fingers just to stop the blood
from flowing in our veins and making our skin red.
It was just like that.
And letting the strings go meant
letting them cut through my skin
and leave marks
as a reminder that I once held onto something
or someone
too strongly between my fingers (and in my heart).

So I sit here now as I remember it all in my head
trying to decide what to share with my pen.
Not sure if this time would matter or not
as I whisper under my breath,
"Almost there, almost"

Bloodshed
Destruction
Cries
Terrorism
Changed her life
Darkness all around
All alone
She asked herself
"Am i dead or alive?"

Sound of a gun
Echoed deep
While the whole city
Was fast asleep
Screams and cries
And more firing
People injured
While tons of dying
A war for peace
With an unknown rival
Destroying so many families
And leaving them so critical
Why were they killed?
What was there crime?
They were just innocent people
Busy in their lives
Having fear in their hearts
They are still ready to face
Ready to give their life
If it takes to end this blaze
I just pray
That someone hear the pleas
Of the brave survivors
Living in Karachi

O you Human, ask yourself,
What does this world mean to you?
Is it a garden or a dessert?
Is it hope or despair?
Is it love or hatred?

Remember, your world is
your own reflection.

You walk by me everyday yet you still pretend
that I cannot see through the holes which are drilled
in the walls you have erected around yourself.

You walk by me everyday yet you still pretend
that I cannot feel you struggling to keep yourself away
from all the memories for which you (and I) fell.

You walk by me everyday yet you still pretend
that I cannot hear your heart beating like a drum
because you're still in love and you can't tell.

You walk by me everyday yet you still pretend
that I cannot realize the pain that you're in
when you try to hard to forget my existence.