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Jason S Dec 2012
I can't help it
No matter where in my heart I may look, there you are
You may not think it but you are too good to me
Our differences mean nothing in the torrent of our similarities
We are not friends, not like most friends
There is nothing superficial about us
I can still feel you in my arms
I still remember that look of excitement on your face when we ran into each other unexpectedly
I still remember everything
The conversations, the stories, the looks
Everywhere we went, every sight we saw, every frustrated word, happy face, or sad look
I am sorry often that it wasn't enough
I am sorry that I lost you, though I am never lost to you
How can I mean so much to you when I feel so small?
A dust mite in the presence of God, a field mouse in the presence of you
Would that you were a cat, come to devour me
But no, you lift me up
So much easier it would have been
If you had only given me a reason to hate
But no, I can only love you
I can only love
I can't help but feel something missing in my life
Though God makes me whole
I miss you still, my warmth made less in your absence
Jason S Dec 2012
Today was wonderful, but you weren't here...
Today is great, and bright, and yet you are not here...
I left you somewhere, my heart knows where...
I do not remember the sound of your voice, or the feel of your hair, your hand, your body...
I see your picture and wonder, knowing it isn't you I see...

Capture the light, capture the sea, capture my heart...
I so suddenly saw you, wanted to know who you are...
Fading from my heart, I no longer see...

Where are your words to ease my hurt?
Where is your voice to soothe this burning, terrible burning, inside?
Where are your hands to stop the bleeding, to hold my heart safe?
Where has my heart gone, that it would so heal?
What is my love, that it would so roam?

I am fine, but you are not here...
I do well, but you are not here...
I am more whole than ever, but you are not here...
Perhaps I never needed you at all...
Jason S Nov 2012
I wish I could hold your hand again. I miss that.
I miss the way we spark, the way our energies dance together, like two clouds playing tag in the wind.
Do you remember how it feels?
Do you remember, at the stone circle, hand touching, bodies leaned in, and the rush we felt?
Do you remember me? The truth of me, impossibly in tune with the truth of you; impossible to name but forever ingrained.
Do you remember the feeling of finding something impossible to find, impossible to define, and just letting it be, not worrying about the label.
Do you remember what it feels like to hold my hand?
Do you remember what it felt like, hands together, the tremors we felt together? The impossibility that someone could know so well without knowing?
Do you remember...
I forgot... I forgot the feel of your hand in mine; how it felt to have you there at my side.
I forgot in sadness the peace we had.  
I forgot in anger what it meant to live the impossible.
I forgot, in the hurt, the joy of just being... of trusting...
I remember now... the hurt, the pain... it split me apart...
  In healing, I remember the peace...
   In healing, I remember the laughing, the smiles.... I remember... "hello laady!"
    In healing, I remember the power, the sparks...
     In healing, I remember... late night drives and wind mills never seen... just keep talking and never get bored...
I remember you... and I remember me... Our friendship that must always be... a bond stronger than we could be, alone...
Jason S Oct 2012
The town is covered in thick fog.
Walking through town, a familiar feeling of isolation begins to crawl up my spine.
Walking through the mist-filled shadows reminds me of something: an image, a powerful thought.
The sounds and phased images of a multitude of vehicles continue to pass me by, ignorant of my presence and blind to the world around them so fixated are they on their destinations.  
The bleeding soul of this dying world is unknown to the masses that spell our seemingly inevitable destruction.
There, it sounded; the tones of a local church bell. To some a call to worship; to others, a telling of the time; but, to most of the mist-shrouded inhabitants of this town, the noise is lost completely.
To a man devoid of hope, the toll of the bell is a mere reminder of all things lost.  
To my eyes, I see people falling, walking from nothing, through nothing, to nothing.  
It is true, there is no meaning in any of it aside from God.
The lights shining through the mist only illuminate so far.  
The more lights we have, the easier to see.  
Lights of love, why not shine?
Jason S Oct 2012
I don't know why I ever came back.  A voice in the dark whispered my purpose, telling me there were things to be done.  I fell into a hole, I made a mistake, I opened my heart when it should have been dead.  
I met you, and there you were, inside my heart.  Why would you be there, just to break it?  All things are meaningless now, my soul is ruptured.
Why can't you leave my heart alone? I pretend to be okay, but I am not okay. Every moment is a struggle to keep breathing, every moment I die more inside.  Every moment I lose more of me.  You liar, you coward.  I made myself a fool, and you watched; sad, but too scared to stop me.  More and more I opened my heart, not noticing... you were curious, but never wanted it. You read it like a sick tabloid, like a disinterested glutton, devouring my soul only to ***** it into the trash.  
If only I could leave the world, leave it in it's sinister misery.  What pathetic creatures we are; mindless worms feeding on our own filth.  Leave my heart, leave my soul, leave me alone...
Again I returned, over and over, and again you sated your hunger for my pain.  I saw it in your eyes, you knew how much I hurt; but I let you do it, I let you break me, over and again.  For my love I gave my soul; until the day you broke it.  The line was crossed, my heart was closed, and you lost me.  
It was my turn then, to break your heart. You didn't think anything could make me leave your side, but you found it, the one line, the one that shall not be crossed.  And my heart closed you out, yes even you; my inner self rose up in power, in anger you were cast from me.  And now you sit, and now you have no one, no one who knows your true self with love; only the false ones remain, only the ones that love your mask too much to find your heart.  But my heart is stone, and I weep no more.  My heart of flesh, broken again, mended into stone, unbreakable.
Jason S Oct 2012
Thinking about the tumultuous world,
Being thrown about like a rabid dust bunny.
Eternally weeping, from joy or sorrow
Who knows the will of the wilted flower?
Jason S Sep 2012
Here we are
how we've changed
in this short time, I never knew

time is split
two major spans; before, and since that day

I see your face and wonder
if I can be for you what you are for me
My life is full of purpose, I see my grand adventure
the whole thing seems less without you by my side
my adventure will continue, my story will be written
without you I will go forward...
but with you... my life will be more,
my adventure will be grander,
my purpose more fulfilling

Can you feel this
The power raging
I feel it like a raging inferno
Liquid fire in my veins

Is this what it feels like
Is this love?
Mountains become mole hills, oceans are but puddles
Distance between us is but a flick of the hand, a tick of a clock

The distance between us measures my life
The further you are, the slower time moves...
When I see you, when I can look in your eyes, I am lost, and years pass in a moment
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