After all this time, I have thought of something.
What was the real reason you ended us?
Never did I hear you specify anything
Besides I looked distant, acted distant.
I ached for more things than just friendship
From you.
I didn't draw away
I grew up.
While you were focusing on music
I was focusing on school
While you were daydreaming about impossible futures
I was planning my own future that would work out.
While you were getting F's in two classes
I was maintaining my A and B classes.
While you were talking to your friend
I was doing homework and trying to keep up with you.
While you wanted me
I wanted us.

We kissed to The 1975
Tangled in the bed comforter
I can still feel my lips around your tongue
You hand on my leg
Kneading it with contained need
My fingers brushed your belt buckle
I drew away and rested it on your hip
Your knee was between my legs
My thigh was between yours
Good thing your room was cold
I could feel my cheeks getting red and hot
My lipstick wore off on your neck
Around the bruises I left
Afterwards we just laid there and breathed
In
Out
In
Out
Inhaling each others exhale
We are going to do great things
You kissed the raspberry sorbet off of my worn mouth
Then led me out to my car
Smiled
And melted my heart

You want to know who I am?
Are you sure?
Are you sure you're not just asking the question to make me ask it of myself?
If you are, allow me to inform you - I already have.
If my answer scares you - good. Run like hell.

Who am I? I am insane.
Crazy, mad, lunatic
Frenzied, demented, deranged
Psychotic
Psychopathic

I am the best liar you will ever meet.
You will not observe my madness.

I was not always this way.
I have been broken into these jagged shards of reason,
disconnected from each other and reality.

I have felt human bones break under my hands, and I liked it.
I have felt human bones break under my hands, and now
that feeling is etched permanently in my brain by the nightmares.

Though I seek my refuge in silence and darkness,
I cannot sleep without screaming.
I am a creature of the night,
though night is the harbinger of my agony.

I am made of contradictions.
My identity shifts from second to second,
dancing to a frantic beat only I can hear.

I am incapable of controlling my own mind
so I have built a wall around it.
You are not allowed inside,
for there lies my macabre domain.
Dangerous
Deadly

My every action is a double-ended knife
piercing me as I stab another.

My only desire is to cause no more pain.
In this I will fail. I have failed. I am failing right now.
My failure slices into my flesh and that of any who approaches.

I wish I could prevent you from approaching.
I wish I wanted to.
But I am too weak to win this battle with myself.

I am insane.
I climb as high as I possibly can
before I prepare to launch myself from that height.
I do this because falling is my only chance of flying
until I hit the bottom and escape into oblivion.
Do not look for me.
I am already going to jump.
Do you want me to pull you down with me?