I have the most enormous *****,
Men talk to them, not me, it's true,
"How are 'we' today"  they say,
With bulging eyes, to my dismay,
Oy I'm up here, I want to say,
Not wishing to destroy their day,
I smile back sweetly, a little shy,
All three of us are fine, I reply,
That said, my *****, I couldn't be without,
I'm sure they pull my wrinkles out. :)

I appreciate now, I'm getting old
It's not just me, I have been told,
It isn't discovering your first grey ****,
Buying wrinkle cream or using ****,
A simple thought came to me, its true,
My back goes out more, than I now do!
Even my wheelie bins, I think,
Go out each and every week,
I used to party night and day,
But now by 10, I've hit the hay,
The hardest thing, makes my skin crawl,
I no longer fall over, I ' have a fall '

Not another flipping cooking show,
On the telly, it's all go,
Weird concoctions in their heads,
What's up with good old meat and veg?
Judges frowning, watching on,
The clock is ticking, must get done,
Sweat is dripping in their pies,
So some top Chef can criticise?
I'd love that job, the eating bit,
They never eat up all of it,
Sometimes they are just simply rude,
So if they criticised my food,
I wouldn't put up with that ****,
The buggers would be wearing it :)

When a loved one leaves our earthly plain,
They may not make it back again,
But clever tactics have been learned,
To show us we have not been spurned,
They drop a feather in our path,
It flutters down, though not by draft,
And judging by their pretty colour,
They don't belong, they're sent from others,
I always pick my feathers up,
They fill my heart with lots of love,
Proves those who've passed, are still around,
These gifted feathers on the ground.

I will tell you a secret
That nobody knows,
I'm totally naked,
Under my clothes,
Tut tut,
What a **** :)

I often think that those who mutter,
Behind our backs, about all others,
Have nothing better in their lives,
Than stirring up another's strife,
Sly little eyes don't miss a thing,
Of another persons suffering,
Their ears ***** up, in crowded rooms,
To glory in another's gloom,
Gossip so hot, your ears would burn,
No ones safe, you'll get your turn,
**** they stir in the *** of doom,
They really ought to lick the spoon.

There's not much funnier than a ****,
It's immature, I know, to start,
So many styles of wind to pass,
Gas blowing out your smelly ****,
Some high in pitch, a squeaky door,
Or quiet and deadly, so much more,
Dare we pull the offered finger?
A nasty trick we will remember,
Always makes your children squeal,
But never ever loses it's appeal,
When you meet a brand new partner,
It takes a while to **** in front of her,
When farting terms are established yes,
It's far more intimate, than ***,
It matters not, just where you be,
You need to let your wind go free,
You might think that I am obscene,
But we all do it, yes, even the Queen,
So lighten up, and have some fun,
And blast some air out of your ***!

"He turned around and said to me,
So I turned around and said to he,
Then they turned around and said to me,
And I turned around and said to all three",
My brothers renditions always make me grin,
Why don't they talk while facing him?
Seems a funny way to begin a chat,
Talking to someone, back to back  :)

There is such intimacy in ***,
Particularly *** with someone new,
Swapping spit with some one else,
Seems a strange thing to want to do,
Touching someone else's skin,
The tingling feel of lust,
Their hands across your rising hips,
their lips upon your bust,
Fleeting waves of passion,
Joining mind body and soul.
Mad pursuit towards one goal,
Bonding, becoming whole,
Naked setting passion free,
Is vulnerable beyond belief,
But when we suffer from trapped wind,
We hold tight and grit our teeth,
If you can get on farting terms,
It brings such sweet relief,
Running out the room each time,
You want to let one go,
Or pinching cheeks together,
It's difficult you know,
It takes more time ,if you care to linger,
Before you can say, hey, pull my finger,
And laugh together at the noise,
And appreciate, girls will be boys :)

When I'm sad,
I hug my dog,
When I'm happy,
I hug my dog,
When I'm angry,
I hug my dog,
When I'm frustrated,
I hug my dog,
I guess it's really true to say,
I'd hug my dog, just anyway :)

I have this dog, a huge great pooch,
Just like the one, on Turner and *****,
He really is a big orange lump,
Dare I say how much he dumps,
He shreds and ruins my favourite stuff,
Covering the floor, in loads of fluff,
TV remotes, he's chewed them up,
He costs a bomb, my naughty pup,
His snoring rattles the gates of hell,
And when he farts, my gawd, the smell!,
Don't let's forget, he loves his food,
Face in your cup, slurp slurp, how rude,
What's yours is his, he takes the ****,
I dare you say the word, "biscuit"
He slobbers shoestrings, from his chops,
Each room has a rag, for him to mop,
But that aside, he has my heart,
His crinkly face, and stinky farts,
Rolling in fox mess on his daily stroll,
Sniffing crotches, of those who call,
I kiss his face off every day,
I could never love a man this way,
He has a face you want to snog,
I really, really love this dog :)

Such expectation in our hearts,
When the World Cup football starts,
Off to Tesco, for shirts and flags,
Carried home in plastic bags,
3 Lions worn upon our chest,
England's going to be the best,
Little kids collecting  footy cards,
In sticker books, they love this part,
You know where they will be found,
Swapping cards in the playground,
Our team heroes now they stand in line,
Mumbling national anthem, or some just mime,
Our pubs are full, the fans all wait,
For our team England to be just great,
Yet once again, it's a crock of ****,
Still we can't quite believe it,
Our national team can't find the goal,
Been better if we'ad learned to bowl,
Excelled ourselves this time, it seems,
An early exit home, it means,
In some ways it's ended all the fuss,
Of buttock clenching, for all of us!

I joke a lot , I like to please,
It puts edgy peoples nerves at ease,
Some of them I gently tease,
Sometimes I feel a ghastly freeze,
Not all appreciate my banter,
I can't be really any franker,
Small minded grumpy little ******,
I think next time I'll simply blank her.

Water features aren't for me,
They make me want to do a ***,
In the garden, summer barbecue,
I keep nipping in to use the loo,
Sprinkle, sprinkle, blooming sprinkle,
Oh not again, I need a ******,
It may be more to do with age,
Let's not go there now , at this stage.

I have a schoolboys sense of humour,
Oh yes it's true, it's not just rumour,
I always laugh at bums and willys,
It's immature and very silly,
I cannot help my humours taste,
I try to keep it above the waist,
Yet down the slippery ***** I slide,
This 'Carry-On" sense of humour of mine,
Farts, poos, **** the crudest jokes,
Belong much more to bad *** blokes,
Double meaning things that people say,
Is my specialist subject anyway,
Even though I know it's daft,
I do enjoy a ****** laugh :)

*** without passion, is like dancing without music .
Not much fun, but kind of amusing,
Lying there upon your back,
Has the ceiling got a crack?
The shopping list is planned at best,
Thoughts of George Clooney, in your head,
Just hoping now he'd hurry along,
Not fumbling around, getting it wrong,
Still not cleared up the plates from supper,
And you really just fancy a nice hot cuppa.

Where and when my loved ones die,
I find it really hard to cry,
If just one tear, out would pop,
I think I'd start, and never stop,
My preferred route of self defence,
Is to play a game of false pretence,
No ones died , this dream's so vile,
I've just not seen them, for a while.

When I dance crazy around my room,
Singing out loud, , just as you do,
My Cocker Spaniel, joins in too,
She is a silly Betty Boo,
The Terrier George, is a different case,
His expression says, oh for ***** sake.

I fell in love, with loves young dream,
My hopeful heart had dared to beam,
With rose tinted glasses upon my eyes,
This seemingly perfect, of all guys,
Was everything I dreamed he'd be,
Well, up until he proved that he,
Was not that man, oh silly me,
So please beware, you have been told,
Not all that glitters, is true gold.

A while ago, the mirrored me,
in my reflection looked tired, you see,
This went on and on, oh my,
The time has really passed me by,
It's with regret I now accept,
However long, I've ****** slept,
Without being so tactfully told,
That I'm not just tired, but getting old.

Broken dreams,
Broken life,
Broken me,
Broken glass,
Broken promise,
Broken me,
Broken wing,
Broken mind,
Broken wind - ahhhh that's better :)

I have green eyes, they used to glow,
Now they're just **** holes in the snow,
My skin was peachy, smooth and firm,
It needs ironing now, or microderm,
Reading specs perch on my nose,
I can't believe how fast time goes,
My hair is coloured, grey beneath,
Thank Lord I do still have my teeth!

Eurovision, a crock of ****,
We are never going to ever win it,
Our European cousins we know,
Hate our guts, that we know,
A song for Europe, it's not a fix,
But everyone, their neighbour picks,
Ten points to the country next door,
We are an island, it's just **** poor,
It's a shame it's not about the song,
Politics are involved , it's wrong,
Enjoyable it is to watch the tunes,
The judging is the same old news,
You only need to see a map,
To see why voting is such crap,
Poor England bottom of the shelf,
Even if represented by Christ himself,
I try to switch off at this stage,
Perversely though, I stay to rage,
Although to watch I cannot bare,
I hate it when it's just not fair.

Boris Johnson, London Mayor,
Crazy mop of unkempt hair,
Eccentric character, as we know,
Yet never afraid to have a go,
Along the Zip Line, like a Boss,
He really couldn't give a toss,
Carries high, Olympic Torches,
Waves the flag and almost drops it,
His sporting challenge, developed a hitch,
Tackled rugby style on a football pitch,
Dances like nobody's watching,
Which I find, is very touching,
He speaks his mind, and makes us cringe,
But never do you hear him whinge,
Distant Royal Ancestry, he has got,
His words, 'a one man melting ***',
He thinks his chances of being P M, are,
'As likely as finding Elvis on Mars',
Take out all the others, yes, let's have a cull,
If he were in charge, life would never be dull,
His zest for life, his fun and frolics,
As he falls from his bike, onto his *******,
For all of his blunders, and honesty mindful,
There's something about Boris, we all find delightful,
He's childlike, refreshing, yet clever and daft,
You just have to love someone, who's game for a laugh.

I'm smarter than the average bear,
Even though I have blonde hair,
I really do not miss a trick,
So do not treat me like a *****,
Or you will find, as time does pass,
I might well bite you on the ****!

Cats make me laugh, the selfish gits,
They prowl through life, not taking ****,
We humans are just staff, to them,
Our independent feline friends,
Standoffish, surly and downright rude,
Very fussy with their food,
They change their minds just like the wind,
Very often gourmet food is binned,
And then they stalk into 'their' house,
And disembowel some poor mouse,
There is one thing you must never oughta,
Try to wash your cat in soapy water,
The outraged cat will then go wild,
You will then know the devils child,
On the coldest the winter nights,
Cat approaches, purring, right?
Jumps on your lap with kneading paws,
But one false move, you'll feel their claws,
You can never ever own a cat,
They own you, now that's a fact,
Our intelligence they have surpassed,
They've worked out how to lick their ****,
One thing deserves a generous pardon,
They at least crap in neighbours gardens,
I cannot help respect these beings,
I'd never wish to hurt their feelings,
And so I for one will doff my hat,
Towards our Royal highnesses , the cat.

Does my *** look big in this?
Is he brave enough to take the ****,
Or maybe opt for tactful route,
Of " no babe no, your *** looks cute",
No man dare tell it like it is,
Unless he has a big death wish,
Or silent treatment longer than lent,
To be bought up every argument,
*** ban enforced, she'll make you pay,
In each and every painful way,
So when she asks that fated line,
I would recommend you take your time,
When women ask about their butts,
Just think how much you love your nuts.

Even though, deep in your mind,
Your fearful of what you might find,
A woman's instinct sound and true,
Can even shout and scream at you,
Yet heart rules head, we know the score,
The clues are there, yet we still ignore,
Holding onto our loves young dream,
Rumours rife, yet still won't believe,
Evidence waved, right under our snouts,
But still we just can't kick him out,
Cut him some slack, a bit more rope,
He'll hang himself, the useless dope.

I really wish bedtime would come,
Yawning like Bagpuss on ******,
If I wasn't so tired, I'd go up now,
But I'm such a ****** lazy cow,
I could be sleeping like a log,
But don't like to disturb the dog,
The snoring mutt, an 8 stone lump,
I'm praying that he needs a dump,
My legs are numb, can't feel my toes,
And I really need to blow my nose,
At least I know the time will come,
When to bed I drag my weary ***.

The design of our human body is clever,
It's been this way since like forever,
Our face placed at the front, it's nose,
Is far away from our stinky toes,
Thank Lord the **** is at the back,
From farts that waft up from the crack,
The more you really sit and dwell,
He's thought about our sense of smell,
Care was taken, like no other,
He's got it right, the clever ******.

I ought to diet, I'm a little fat,
I haven't got much time for that,
Most diets are just not to my taste,
However much I miss my waist,
The powdered ones , you blend to make,
But I like food, along with my shake,
The gimmick ones, the new 'must haves'
Soon disappear for the next new fad,
I love my food, I live to eat,
Quite healthy too, I ought not bleat,
Home cooked supper,every night,
Organic stuff, it tastes just right,
Butter though, not margarine,
That foul stuff, it tastes obscene,
I work hard by day, so starve or binge,
So I mustn't really start to whinge,
It's quantity I think the cause,
Each meal I eat it could feed four,
They say eat less and work out more,
What a ****** awful bore,
Never been one for the gym,
All that straining, looking grim,
Joggers running, along the road,
So red, I think they will explode,
The answers clear, if all that, I cannot hack,
Bring the renaissance shape in women, back!

People driving in their cars,
Overtaking, racing past,
Desperate to get past mine,
Giving me the Finger sign,
It really makes me want to laugh,
They'd never do that on the path.

A  kaleidoscope of colour, dances before my eyes,
So quickly came upon me, caught me by surprise,
The flashing lights though pretty, distract me from my task,
If it wasn't for the headache too, it could be quite a blast,
If you suffer from these migraines, it isn't very nice,
Losing most of your vision, head squeezed in a vice,
Best thing to do is pop a pill and lay in darkened room,
Not always convenient, when there's stuff you're trying to do,
Myself, I like to soldier on, so off to work I go,
I always take a little while though, to enjoy the show.

Why are men so happy ****,
Wandering round, just eating food,
Manhood dangling between their thighs,
Never shy, whatever their size,
Sitting causally eating lunch,
Lazy lob, it's all too much,
When they slide along my palest couch,
My heart is really in my mouth,
For confidence, ten out of ten,
Just don't bend over, no not again!

My sister and I, are chalk and cheese,
You ought to guess which one is me,
My corny jokes and nervous laugh,
Hers dry, and cryptic, never daft,
She's quiet and thoughtful, steady and true,
Not using ten words, when one will do,
Me chattering constantly, unabated,
Even I think I need to be sedated,
Nervously trying to be the clown,
Even when I'm feeling down,
She speaks her mind, firm and forthright,
If I did that, I'd worry all night,
Her demeanours calm, determined and strong,
I try too hard, still getting it wrong,
Luckily she is the one who's a mother,
I wouldn't wish my genes, into another,
Although we're eighteen years apart,
We both do share our mothers heart,
Nature or nurture? Questions the theory,
There's no answer in this instance, clearly,
As opposite as our characters may be
I love my sister, and she loves me.

My knifes so blunt my brother comments,
He could ride bare arsed to London on it,
When he tries to carve the meat,
He has to just admit defeat,
The wrestling match began with hope,
Jokes come fast, there's so much scope,
Beads of sweat come on his brow,
Cursing starts, he's ******* now,
I really ought to buy some more,
Not laugh myself onto the floor. :)

I've gone and hurt my ****** back,
So now I'm walking like a ****,
Too impatient to wait for help,
I lifted the stuff, all by myself,
So now it's painful once again,
Diazepam is my new best friend,
I lay in bed, I just can't get right,
Won't sleep a peep all ****** night,
When morning comes, and up I get,
I'll be at work, yes, don't you fret,
Perhaps a lesson now I've learnt,
Next time it's someone else's turn.

When we are happy in our lives, every day is a bright sunny day,
Then things go wrong and run astray, black clouds, they chase the sun away,
The wind and rain creep in your soul, and chill your heart, that is their goal,
But with the power of positive thinking, we can lose those thoughts without blinking,
Relax your mind and feel the heat, from in your head down to your feet,
Your on a beach, warmth on your skin, breath in deep, let the sunshine in,
Now feel the glow, around your room, think life's too short to live in gloom.

I have lost my Mum,
And my mind, it seems,
I awake at night,
Through broken dreams,
My moments of forced hilarity,
Encompassing delirious clarity,
Strong desire to scream and shout,
Tight knot inside, it can't come out,
The urge to punch out, at passers by,
Or curl up in a ball and cry,
Yet I walk amongst you,
Seemingly socially adept,
Muddled memories spin in my troubled head,
I want to shout out loud, MY MUM, IS DEAD,
I know one day,
Black clouds will clear,
Mums love lives on, in all held dear,
Family together we all unite,
We hold on to each other tight,
So why do I feel, so alone at night?
But I've lost my Mum,
And my mind it seems.

Interestingly enough,
I'm not a one, for all this stuff,
Opening soul and venting spleen,
Is not a thing of which I'm keen,
Bodice ripping fantasies,
Romance novels, what are these?
Damaged minds make restless sleep,
Moody buggers digging deep,
Me myself I like to joke,
Too little woman, much more bloke,
A tender smokescreen, lightly veiled,
My inner feelings not revealed,
Yet every so often, I stop and start,
When's words alone, tug at my heart,
There's gifted people, (not like me),
Quietly creating poetry

I'v gathered my thoughts about where and why,
The ways of which that I might die,
Fast unexpected heart attack,
Cool and trendy shark attack,
One of the worst must be dimentia,
Or the ****** awful cancer,
The saddest must be suicide,
These poor souls are lost inside,
The accidental dreadful sudden way,
Leaves us reeling, too shocked to say,
However we lose ones we love,
We often blame The Lord above,
Whose stolen them away from us,
Without ceremony or lots of fuss,
We fill our hearts with darkened hate,
When it's really only down to fate,
There is one thing I think I know,
There's no good way for us to go,
It's being so cheerful that keeps me going,
Now my mental juices are flowing,
However much I try to analyse,
It's bound to be a big surprise,
Although not now so much a shock,
As I'm up against the ****** clock.

Most people in the world I see,
Out for themselves, all me me me,
Materialistic, it's money first,
It's all around, and getting worse,
The smallest kindness that I see,
Restores my faith in humanity,
I'm fully aware of the depth that I dwell,
There is no answer, that I can tell,
I'm going to take notice of the law of my dog,
If you can't eat it or **** it, **** on it, move on.

Oh to feel the sun on my face,
Makes my world feel a better place ,
Gentley warming my insipid skin,
After a winter of living within,
Central heating dehydrates,
Hot climates it cannot emulate,
Of course it's bad for us they say,
I'll take my chances anyway,
So I will just sit and enjoy the sun,
When it's not shining out my ***.

I appreciate I'm ageing , and I'm glad I'm still alive,
Tell that to my muddled mind, it thinks I'm twenty five,
The driver in the car in front, has grey hair I can see,
Oh hurry up you slow old ***, does not apply to me,
My ageing skin has wrinkles now, it gives me quite a fright,
Mother Nature in her kindness helped, by weakening my sight,
Perhaps I ought to go to Church to kiss some Godly ****,
To ensure safe passage up to heaven, not downwards, when I pass,
I'm really not quite ready yet, to become a sad old codger,
I'm turning into one of those, I've called a *******!
In truth I'm happy in my mind, but one thing I'd like to change,
Ideally to LOOK twenty five, yet maintain the knowledge gained.

My heart is broken,
A fleeting lover,
Don't think I'll ever love another,
I knew it from our very first meet,
My heart went pow and missed a beat,
We exchanged numbers, contact began,
He drove 3 hours to visit me, this man,
Although fair distance kept us apart,
Intense weekends spent, he won my heart,
I opened my soul and let him in,
He felt the same, I'm sure he did,
We carefully helped each other recover,
From our previous messed up lovers,
He planted tulip bulbs where I took Dads ashes,
We shared a healthy love of passion,
We laughed a lot, and shared our fears,
And looked ahead, into future years,
Difficult times shared within our pasts,
We exorcised and freed them at last,
Then one day, right out of the blue,
An email came, my mind it blew,
Tears rolled down my face as I read his words,
I was sobbing like a little girl,
My dreams , like him, had blown away,
Patiently I hope, that soon one day,
He once again may come my way,
This man I loved, for too few days.

I am not a mother,
It's seemed to pass me by,
One day I was thirty,
Now I'm over forty five,
I always wanted children,
A little friend to call me Mum,
But fate did not want that of me,
So sadly, I have none.
Friends envy me my quiet life,
Where lay-ins are the law,
Not realising how much I'd give,
To have someone to get up for,
I think I've worked out life's great plan,
Mapped out from skies above,
Why just have your own few kids,
When there's loads there you can love.

My Dogue has started digging holes,
My garden looks like I have giant moles,
He happily goes about this task,
Of ripping my poor lawn apart,
Once the ground is all churned up,
Pulls clean washing from the line, the pup,
Dragging my laundry through the muck,
It won't rain now, with any luck,
I've given up analysing it,
He's just a naughty little ****,
So I go to tell him he's been bad,
But I kiss his face instead of that,
His saddest eyes and wrinkly face,
The plea's not guilty, I have no case,
I really ought not make a fuss,
I dig enough holes for both of us! :)

Not,
So patiently , I watch the clock,
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock,
Tick tock, tick bollocking tock,
is that all,
you've ****** got?

Once again, I fall asleep,
Watching TV, or some of it,
Once in bed I can't sleep for ****,
When I do, I come alive at 5
Out for a ***, I then must dive,
Snoozing now, bad dreams until when,
The alarm goes off at 7 and then,
I could sleep all day again,
Or just siesta, like in Spain
Not blundering about all day,
Half asleep, as is the way,
Never mind it's almost time,
To repeat the process, once again.

Fame and fortune sadly eluded me,
I live such an average life,
Not much exciting ever happens,
Oh just pass me the ****** knife!

I know I ought not moan and gripe,
It's likely my own mistake,
There were golden opportunities,
I had no confidence then, to take.

More I dwell upon this thing called fame,
One thing's pretty clear,
If the whole world knows who you are,
There's no privacy, my dear.

Paparazzi camped outside your home,
From morning , noon to night,
Trying to catch a random photograph,
Of you looking quite a fright.

Maybe I'm better as I am,
Just living in my dreams,
Perhaps on the other side, you know,
The grass is never quite as green.