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  Mar 2015 Jan Harak
Helen
Situations that leave me cold
are crowds and empty rooms
Chances are, I have to talk to someone
or there's too much room to move

Situations that leave me cold
are I have to make conversation
That avenue has been closed to me
for too many years to mention

Situations that leave me cold
are I turned to no one, not standing
next to me
and everyone else, not in the room
sees me standing, so lonely

I don't believe in myself,
I rarely believe in another
Situations teach me
it's a path that's fraught with danger

Maybe the lesson is to distract us
I lack the generic gene
that wants to please
someone who habitually needs it
But I'll never lack in empathy
for those that involuntarily bleed it

Situations that cause me pain
roll freely from your social form
Easily do you butterfly,
under a cloudless sky
While I battle to anchor in the tempest
of an angry, raging storm
From uncaring to ambivalent to antisocial to just not giving a ****... It's not any of the above, it's fear...
  Mar 2015 Jan Harak
Liz And Lilacs
You know more about me
than any stranger should.
You know more about me
than any friend could.
It's not always easy
to post the things I write
Because they are more of myself,
that I don't like to share.
My poems are me and me alone.
I hope you like them,
but more, I hope you like me,
even if I'm a mess.
  Mar 2015 Jan Harak
Liz And Lilacs
They say that we're lucky,
and we are,
To live in a safe town,
Where nobody dies
and there's little crime.

But it's a lie,
They say it's safe here,
It's better here,
But nowhere is safe.

Because down by the train tracks,
The bartender of a little bar
was ***** and murdered
in the parking lot.
They left her naked,
No dignity, not even in death.

I know that I'm far safer
than a lot of others,
But the truth is,
Nowhere is safe,
Not here, not in the country,
Not in the city,
Nowhere is safe.
We deserve to feel safe and she deserved to live.
  Mar 2015 Jan Harak
Liz And Lilacs
You took a lot of things from me.
My dignity,
My hope,
My self respect,
My innocence,
But I think the biggest thing you took from me
was my feeling of safety.
I haven't felt safe since that day.
I'm so afraid these days.
I've been thinking about feeling safe a lot lately, as I'm sure my poems reflect.
  Mar 2015 Jan Harak
Girl On The Wing
I stare at my feet
As I walk through the crowded hall
And think about you

Tears ***** my eyes
As my feelings well over

I miss you so terribly
And so deeply
I want to tell you that joke I heard last period
Or what I'm doing this Saturday
Or what I had for breakfast

But you are gone
And with every footstep
I hear your name
Swirl by in the voices of others.

Leaving me to wonder,
How can I be so alone in a place so full of people?
  Mar 2015 Jan Harak
Liz And Lilacs
I've never known a poet left unbattered by life's cruel jokes.
But isn't that what life is?
One big, cosmic joke.
Someone's laughing at our expense.
  Mar 2015 Jan Harak
ephemeral
"she's a bad friend, just a heads up.
I know she seems really great
and fun and understanding.
she's like that, at first.
she'll be positive and friendly, and you'll feel like you can trust her with your most-prized possession.
you'll want to tell her things, even if you're not a very open person.
she has that effect on people.
after a while, though, she starts to seem rough around the edges.
she'll go through very dramatic
mood swings-
she's a bit like the weather in NYC.
sometimes she'll be cheerful
and she'll laugh at the most
random of things.
those times, she'll be like a fresh spring day, around 72 degrees.
other times, she'll be the most pessimistic person you know. it'll feel like she's draining the positivity right out of you. those times, she'll be like a bitter winter's day, below zero and freezing.
on occasion, she'll change
back and forth between those
two seasons in a day.
it'll get to be very tiring for you,
trying to keep up with her many moods and feelings and attitudes.
you won't really know how
to handle her.
and eventually, it'll feel like she's
not really handling you.
she won't talk to you as often as she used to. she wont know what's happening in your life anymore, and you won't be able to remember the last time she told you about anything happening in hers.
eventually, you'll be the only one putting effort into the relationship.
but you'll continue to see her with other friends, laughing and sharing inside jokes and telling stories.
and it'll be so painful for you, because you're technically
still friends with her- it's not like
you had a fall-out or anything.
things will just be different between you two. she'll be distant, and so will you.
eventually, you'll just stop trying
to talk to her. all you'll do is smile briefly at each other in the hallways, sometimes talk for a few minutes about classes.
and it'll almost seem like you're strangers again.
so if I were you, don't bother with her. find someone worthy of your time and love and affection."
this isn't really a poem, more of a rant. people that I used to talk to for hours haven't had a real conversation with me in a few months. I know they're falling apart, and I should be there for them, and I'm not. so this is kind of an apology poem.
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