I keep a little notepad in my car to ensure writers safety
Because words spontaneously throw themselves around in my mind
Without a conscious thought to
But I still lose a few lines every now and then
And I can't help but wonder
Where do the lost words go?
The beautiful lines we'd love to recollect
Our own thoughts
Ones that will never be told to anyone
Or read anywhere
I wonder if they come back without us knowing
I wonder if they make up the lines that don't exactly fit anywhere else
The ones that we want to backspace
And erase
Backspace
And erase
Until they're gone again
I wonder if some things
Are not supposed to exist
Until they do
If some things just do not fit

So I write in pen
And I undo all the backspacing, too
Because I also wonder
If maybe everything has a place
And we just have to make them fit

There I was

Holding an umbrella on the sunniest of days

Then he came

When he asked me why, I replied, “Just because”

I knew he saw all the pain I contained

And I felt he watched that boy love me then leave

He took my umbrella and told me I didn’t need to stop hiding

I just needed to find a new place for it

I agreed, and he took me in his arms and asked, “How’s this work?”

In that moment I knew why my past love was no longer present

I knew why in his arms I was sheltered from all hurt

It’s not that I think he’s a perfect person

Some days I even put a question to ‘I love you’s’ directed towards him

But without him I’d still be carrying the same umbrella

Wishing the sun would do as I did and hide

Wishing it would rain forever

Now I couldn't care less about the weather

I’ve got something way better

I’ve been down the road you’re going.
You should know there’s only one way home.
It’s a cold, shameful walk, my dear.
Each step made me feel more alone.

You’re searching for a face of understanding.
Well, look around. There’s more than you think.
A new victim; forgotten by the system.
A new victim each time you blink.

I know you’re terrified to let anyone in.
You want to bathe in your own filthy skin.
It’s the least you can do,
After he took away all of you.

But you don’t have to suffer in that skin.
We can get you back from him.
Get back all the things he selfishly stole,
But it starts with you; do you want to feel whole?

Right now there’s monsters tearing you apart.
There’s demons sleeping with you in your bed.
Don’t let those ******* get to your heart.
Let ‘em know, you’ve always been stronger than them.

Stop.

Breathe.

Write.


My heartbeat slows as the words flow out
Sometimes I can't believe these words come from my mouth
Or my fingers should I say perhaps
Nonetheless, these are mine
I keep them in this mind I call my knapsack

In this knapsack of mine,
Are the things people never see
So to write from it is hard sometimes
These are my personal feelings

I'm tired of being true to everyone but myself
It's okay that I'm not okay, it's okay to need a little help
But don't listen to them when they say,
"You can't do this on your own"
They only say that because they couldn't
Girl, they don't know the ways you're strong

I gotta keep putting faith in these bones
I possess the only arms that I've ever called home
My soul is independent because my strength runs deep
And to be able to see that now, means a lot to me

I've come a long way
And I've still got a long way to go
But don't think I'll ever say,
"I can't do this on my own."

He was like the first time my ears ever perceived a perfect song
I put it on repeat and never got it wrong
His lips moved towards mine and I never fought it
He threw his heart at me once and I should've caught it
His teeth and our lives were so out of line
Yet every time he smiled everything was fine
I would've kept him forever
But I couldn't make him mine

Sometimes I don't feel anything
My nervous system responds as though I am here
In this body
But I am not
I'm somewhere that I find hard to explain
Somewhere that I feel may not be a part of real life
Or visited by anyone other than me
It is a place I may have made all on my own, all for me

Does that make me crazy?
You must be asking yourself if I am
But I am asking myself "how?"
How does it make me crazy that I have created a place of solitude?
I go to this place to save myself
Because if there's anything I've discovered, it's that I'm the only one who can
I grew tired of waiting for someone to throw me a life saver
I grew tired of waiting for superman, dangling from great heights
So I jumped
And I fell into a place that I have coined safe
A place I have coined all my own
I'm never lost or confused here
It's somewhere I belong

So if I have made a wonderland of lies in my mind to keep from losing myself,
does that make me insane or completely aware?

Walls I plastered in my skull
Walls all around
No one gets through
And I don't come out
I feel safe here
But loneliness lives with me now
Under a roof I built
To keep loneliness out

I haven't written anything in over a week. I apologize... mostly to myself, but also to those who support my writing. I'll be back soon. I just need some time. Thank you all so much. I love you guys.


I hope your hearts are feeling much better than mine. Mine will be under construction for a while.

Peace and love to all.

All our family photos are black and blue instead of white
They just came out that way and it always seemed right
Today I've got the perfect plan in my head
Snap a photo of us now and it’d print out blood red
I've got an idea that could puncture your brain
Hear me out, and I swear you’ll never think the same
The stitches in my head have come loose and now the monster’s out
He told me this plan
We’re gonna burn down the house

The sudden change in atmosphere
when the sky viciously starts to cry
Like it's seen so many horrible things
that sometimes it just breaks down without any warning
No dribble of rain,
No fade of the sun
Just tears of a cry
That's been held in too long
'Cause the sky can't run to an empty room
When she's had too much
And she doesn't know what to do
                                      Sometimes I break down without any warning, too

I need to clean this slate
Whipe away the chalk trails of my mistakes
I need a clean slate

Chalk's never been so impossible to erase
It's there to stay
To send my mind to outerspace
Spelling out the things I did not say

Every word fits on this small chalk board
Spelling out the only words I chose to hoard
"I need you..."
My mind reads it like my lips have said it before

I need to clean this slate
Whipe away the chalk trails of my mistakes
I need a clean slate

Chalk's never been so impossible to erase
It's there to stay
To send my mind to outerspace
Spelling out the things I did not say

Every word fits on this deafening chalk board
Spelling out the only words I chose to hoard
"I need you..."
My mind reads it like my lips have said it before

I took a shower today

And decided to wash you away

In your defense,

It wasn’t easy

But in mine,

It was eventually quite pleasing

Our memories no longer weigh me down

I silenced your ghost

He no longer makes a sound

Because just like “us”

He’s buried underground

Do you think your pain would fit in this bottle?
If so, baby, fill it up
'Cause look, I know you've been hurting
-- Sorry I'm not good at this stuff

I know all the words that make you smile
But I forget them when you look at me

Could you fill it up and send it back to me?
I wanna take your pain away
Don't laugh at me
Float your worries on the surface of the sea
I'll hold them for a while because I like when you're happy
Oh, I wish it was that easy
I wish you were that easy

I don’t want to come to terms with my mind

I’m scared of what in it I may find

A ticking time bomb

starting at a thousand

Now stuck on one

A rope from what used to be

A carefully twisted knot

ready to come undone

A well that’s run dry

A simple tear from my blue eyes

An empty skull

with no recollection of what used to be

No, don’t make me look

I don’t want to see

I don’t want to know what’s inside of me

The host of a zombie

I am not what I think

Looking in the mirror

A new image with every blink

Even if I wanted to know

What inside of me may grow

It’s impossible for me

To find out what I may be

I’m a multitude of things

My mind's a flashing picture screen

Can't write tonight
Stare at the words
Turn up the light
I can see
But I can't write tonight
There's words on a page
Blue lines and liquid rage
How come I see these words
But I can't write tonight?

I wanna scream and shout
Because I just can't spell it out
I can scream
But I can't write tonight
How come I scream
Because I can't write tonight?

My chest feels sunken in and heavy
Right where I keep my thoughts when they're not ready
It makes me nervous
That I can't write tonight
Why don't I think
That I can write tonight?

It's either depression or suppression
They give me pills without a question
I'm telling you,
I just need to write tonight
I'll be ok
If I can just write tonight

You've been away for awhile, and I've got a lot to say
A lot of things have happened since that devastating day
I want you to know what's going on in my world
I'm gonna be a mother, daddy
I'm having a baby girl

You won't be here when she finally comes into my life
You won't be here when she's the flower ******* the day I become a wife
You will never tuck her in and kiss her goodnight
She'll never meet you, and to me it's just not right
It's like a knife to my chest
A blow to my soul
It's not fair she'll never know the man that gave me life
But I'll do my best to make up for it, I'll tell her every night
The ways in which you loved me and made me who I am
So that I could create this baby girl, and love her like I can

I'll love her unconditionally
Just the way that you loved me
And I'll love her just as much
When she tells me she hates me

I'll look her in the eyes and be reminded of the days
You looked into mine, and loved me this way

Let us write about all that we save a special place for in our head.
How about watching you die, hearing my sister cry, and seeing you lay there on that hospital bed?
God wasn’t ready for you.
You were still ours and he showed us that.
Daddy, I bet you saw Heaven before God sent you back.
It must be nice up there with God and his angels.
Why else would you want to go there for good?
Daddy, don’t you know that’d be painful?
I don’t think Mommy could take it.
She never understood a depressed soul’s thoughts.
She’d feel guilty every day.
And Lindsey, she’s strong,
But not like we say.  
Daddy what about me?
I’m battling too many demons as it is.
How could I cope with another one set free?
It will surely conquer this shallow, empty soul.
Daddy, don’t you know we’d never feel whole?
Do you know how much of me you’d ****?
A painful death of most of me,
Curable by no pill.
Daddy, please remember that the life you live includes us, too.
I want you to meet my children.
So, please daddy, what have I got to do?

Dear daddy,
there's a box full of letters under my bed
I wrote them to you but kept them in my head
For reasons a little more than "left unsaid"
No, I can't communicate with the dead
Paper doesn't reply
And if it could,
It wouldn't compare to the conversations between you and I
You were inspiring and wonderful
Did you know that, daddy?
You were brave so that we were comfortable
In a house with safety that still survives
To me, you've never died
And every time I say that you have,
I feel that I've lied
In my dreams, you're still real
A body I can hug,
A person I can feel
But when I wake up,
you are gone again
And I'm struggling...I am
Because I lost my best friend
We were getting closer, weren't we?
Things were getting better, weren't they?
I know everything happens for a reason,
or at least that's what they say
But I can't find a reason to take a man's life
Though I can find a reason to use this knife...
But I'm stronger than that, and maybe that's why
Good people must go, even the best must die
I might've lost my dad, but I won't lose this fight

Dear daddy, you should know that I'm much stronger now
I'm falling apart but I stand tall somehow
And it hurts every day, and we all still cry
But you had to go, and even though I don't know why
I know that there's a reason behind your leaving
I know that there's a reason I was the one to find you'd stopped breathing
I know there's a reason for October 15th
I know I don't know that reason,
But I'm getting closer, I think.

I don't see that smile
The one I've tried hard to forget
I don't see those eyes
The pools of hazel I had vivid dreams about
And this is how I know
The only thing that looks familiar anymore
Are those lips
Bright pink but cracked like old cement
Just the way I remember them
I kissed them over and over
And still they never got better
But I still kissed them
And only for your skins sake,
Did I ever wish they got better
I see your lips now
They're exactly as I remember them
And I wonder who is thinking about them,
Desiring to heal them the way that I did,
But for their own sake
I wonder if anyone
Will ever again think to kiss your lips
With intentions of healing you

I don't want to talk about it but I guess I should, shouldn't I?
I know all the neighbors saw what these four walls couldn't hide
Did they hear his door slam then lock?
Did they hear his gun load and then ****?
Could they hear me begging for him to let me in?
Could they hear his refusal, harsh and thick as sin?
I heard everything

How many times do I have to beg for the same life?
How many miles in this tunnel before we see a light?
We've been fighting for you,
but you're not fighting for us
I know life is ******,
but really, what is the rush?
I want to understand,
help me make you tough
Slow down, daddy
You've been drinking way too much
And not laughing nearly enough
Can you smile, please?
If not for you, for me?

Hospital walls have never been too comforting
They cave in at night when the doctors are sleeping
And the nurses are on break, having a smoke together
You told me things were good and, if I waited, that they'd be getting better
But I've been waiting outside and I think the rain just keeps getting wetter
I've been waiting, and nothing seems to be any better

I've been making this about me, haven't I?
I'm so sorry, please allow me to apologize
I just can't find the right words to save my dad's life,
But I won't stop talking until they come out right
I won't give up on the life that made mine

I love you, daddy
We can do this,
we'll be fine

Just put your hands in mine
I will carry your weight until you're ready
I need you
Don't leave me, daddy

You were fifteen when we met
I was almost four years older
We finally kissed and I'll never forget
How when my heart sank, it brought down my shoulders

You took the air out of my lungs
With just one little kiss
I had no idea what we'd become
I never knew it'd be like this

Three years, two kids
We're still not on our own
No, we never pictured this
But you've become my home

Life is rough as hell right now
And I admit I've been out of control
But I know our future is bright somehow
In your arms is where I rest my soul

I love you more than you will ever know
I'm in love with you and I can't let you go

Please don't let me go

Opened the blind and saw right away
The sun had too much energy for me today
So I closed the blind again
And I haven't asked if she's mad
Because I know she is
I can still see her enthusiasm through the blind
Some days I wish the sun's energy was mine
Some days I have no energy for creating wishes or dreams
Or even doing simple things of value to me
I spend my days angry at myself for being so depressed
I cannot shine with the weight of my own words upon my chest
I am not the sun, and I'm nowhere near as bright as she
So why when she shines, does she always shine on me?
And why does her energy sometimes scare me?
It's like she's making a mockery of me
And when I turn my back
I can still see her mocking me
I know why I close the blinds when she's too bright
I'm not a vampire, but I do enjoy myself at night
It's as if the darkness of the night imposes no stress on me
I look outside and I'm overwhelmed with a calming feeling
As if I've got no plans and no where to go
I let my mind settle down, and my fingers take control
And when the sun
When she shines bright on me
There are no silhouettes of anyone to hide me
I am in the lime light
Of the sun's energy
She shines on me with hope
Of all I know I could be
And sometimes the changes
Are just a little unsettling  





-- Have no idea where I was going with this, but I'm okay with where it went and decided to stop writing this and open the blind again. May add more later
*-- Took someones advice and added more. Completely satisfied.

I had nightmares for months
Woke up in cold sweats with empty lungs
Started screaming in my sleep
'Cause I just couldn't scream enough
But I wasn't the only one

Daddy used to wake up confused
He'd been hitting the walls
Been feeling the abuse
I wasn't the only one hurt
Oh god, I wasn't the only one
Or anywhere close

i have to find a light
gotta tell myself it'll get better
that i'll make it alright
can't keep living
the same
every day
knowing what's together
could fall apart today
this isn't how i should live
i need to grow up and
stop acting like a kid
i really wanna make
something of myself
but don't want to
be painted
by somebody else
i don't know
what i want
to do
but i'll wake up tomorrow
pretend i'm bulletproof
and i'll do it all
for you
because you are the light
that gets me through
my mother,
my sister,
my best friend, too
you gotta see
I do this
for you

I'm a monster with no feelings,
but somehow I still love you.
I can't swim, but I'd build a boat.
Sail to you.
I want to.
I miss you.
I miss you.
Do you hear me?
Will you ever?
I'm screaming louder this time.
Can you hear me any better?
This empty whole,
It aches for you.
This darkness,
It shakes for you.
Tell me, what more can I do for you?
What have I to do to show you what I see?
Every moment awake is a tragedy entirely.
Without you.
This soul,
It takes for you.
This heart,
It breaks for you.
Can you look at this monster and feel compassionate?
At least ******* look at me, *******.
I'm sick of it.
That stare at the ground won't send you to hell any faster.
I ******* love you, what's so ******* hard about that you ******* *******?
These holes, they are here because of your absence and presence.
See you were here before, but notice I said that in past tense.
Now your gone and these holes,
They only ******* get larger.
Tried so hard to fill em with god knows.
But I'm running out of supplements for armor.
**** it.
You hate me,
I hate me.
God knows.
He made me.
He made you.
But I guess God doesn't build passion in twos.

all my life, I tried hard to be a happy little girl
But I had a lot of rotten people come and shake my world

when I was 16
I woke up to unfamiliar fingers inside of me
And then when I was 17
My best friends brother ***** me
but nobody ever knew that
I guess because nobody ever asked
I knew that it would be worse to speak up
so as a little girl, I had to push away the past

then at 18, I found my father dead
I tried to save him and never blame him and just blame myself instead
but man that **** really ****** up my head
at age 19, I conceived a baby girl
I met the love of my life and together they changed my world
but at age 20, things started to get tough
I was a **** good mother but the love I felt just wasn’t enough
I had baggage that weighed me down so much that it tore me from head to toe
I tried to hide it and fight it and stitch up my own wounds and make it so that nobody would know
but the trauma I’d endured held onto me
and now, it holds on so tight that I can hardly breathe

I had another baby at 21 years old
after she was born, it was like my dreams froze
and I grew cold
everything I tried so hard to hold in
just fell apart before me
I let my demons win
23 and everyday I feel like dying
but I’m still here, I haven’t stopped trying
I have two little girls who need their mom to be
the woman that she is, not what pain has painted me

today I found a way to heal
I found help, I found someone to tell me that my pain is real
someone to calm my stress and tell me how to feel good again
it’s okay to need therapy to feel good again
I’m gonna feel good again
things are gonna be good again

Like your head pounds
for nicotine
My head screams
to write feelings
While your fingers shake
for what you need
My fingers trace letters
on the back of my knee

You have an illness and would you look at that, so do I
We find hobbies with our hands and tell ourselves we're getting by

While you are out
and you are drinking
I am home
and I am thinking
I'm alone
And I am sinking
Discovering things that were better off mysteries
Slowly discovering what is killing me
                                Before it kills me
But I need it like it's been getting me high
It's my little hobby,
and it's getting me by

You have an illness and would you look at that, so do I
We find hobbies with our hands and tell ourselves we're getting by
I find a hobby for my head, and somehow I'm *getting by

I think way too much
and I know I should stop
cause it's bad for me
But something tells me not to
and somehow
it's like it regenerates me
like I don't need a battery
I just need some of my brains energy
And I could stay up for eternity
And I'm telling you
              
                   **it's hurting me

Tried to care again but found that I can't
Frankly, I don't want to care if I have to wear pants

You are the sun that never shines
   no one but me knows about you
You are love that always hides
   no one knows they can't live without you
You are the light in the distance
   the one they can't catch on tape
You're what I've found in all that's missing
   I'd be crazy not to think it's fate

Who are you and why do you have this effect on me?
You walked in the room and I can hardly breath
Do you make me nervous on purpose, or is it just me?
Are you doing this on purpose?
I'm falling so quickly

I don't wanna rush it and call it too soon
But if you were the sun, then I'd be the moon
Your eyes illuminate the streets with the only light I can see
I'm just a deer in your headlights when you look at me

Take me anywhere you want to go
I'd follow you into the dark in places I don't know
Wherever you are is where I want to be
You're everything I want, and all that I can see

If you have a hint of doubt about the things that I have said
Just believe me when I say, you do laps inside my head
If you leave it up to me,
I'd tell you to stick around
You be the tree,
I'll be the roots in the ground
I'll help you grow and try to give you everything you need
Darling, it'd make me happy if you grew old with me

I had a *** dream
It was an innocent dream I couldn't control
I had a *** dream
A dream that went to another level
I didn't know those feelings
weren't just a dream
I didn't know I'd wake up to find
That someone'd been touching me
I didn't know I had anything to be afraid of
When I closed my eyes the night before
I didn't know that evil men
Could somehow sneak beyond locked doors
It was an innocent dream I couldn't control
An innocent dream taken to another level
I had a *** dream that turned out to be real life
I fell asleep, once again, just like any other night
I fell asleep, and woke up to the nightmare of my life
I had a *** dream
And it didn't end right

Some things capture you,
others set you free

I'm frightened when the phone rings for the very first time,
And every ring after that makes me just as nervous
And angry
As if I want to yell for silence
But no one is there

There's one good thing about the house phone ringing,
If they leave a voicemail, they get to hear my dad's voice
I haven't heard my dad speak in fifty days
He was fifty when he died,
fifty days ago
fifty doesn't seem so old to me now

There are nights that I get to see him,
But only with my eyes closed
While I sleep on his pillow
Because it still smells like him
Sometimes I hear his voice
And my stomach drops and I grin
Until I realize...

I'm frightened
And every ring after that makes me just as nervous
And angry
As if I want to yell at someone
But no one is there

There's one good thing about depression,
After you leave a voicemail on your mother's phone, you'll be put to sleep
In fifty different ways,
with fifty different pills
because fifty doesn't seem like so many to me now

Fifty just doesn't feel like anything to me now
I just don't feel anything now

I told you I tried to **** myself that night,
and I lied.
Not because I wanted the attention,
or needed it.
What I needed was for you to know how real it was.
I lied,
but that doesn't mean I didn't want to.

Be here when I need you
You're supposed to be here when I need you
******* be here when I need you
You're supposed to ******* be here when I need you
But you're there instead of here when I need you
You're always ******* there
Instead of here when I need you
You're not here
I need you

Who are you and who’d you come with?

Was it just me you were having fun with?

I’ll never know what your intentions were and how far you got

But I pray I’ll stop caring one day and these nightmares will stop

These scars were cut so deep

And the ledge from which I stand is steep

But I see a way down

The water may be deep

But I’m not afraid to drown

I’m beaten and I’m battered

But you’ve never seen me fall

My hearts been mended and then shattered

But its stronger after all

I’ve walked the hall of shame

Wanted to kick myself in the face

But I haven’t quit a game

For fear of losing the race

I don't want it to get easier
I want it to be just as hard as the first day
I want it to hurt this bad forever
I want it to sting like I just found him
It's a twisted way of hanging on
But I can't let go...
If I could, I'd relive the day that he left
So that I'd never have to feel to far away from him
It's a twisted way of holding on
But somehow the intensity of the pain makes me feel closer to him
As if he just left...
And maybe that's because I'm waiting for him to come back
It's so twisted
But I'm still waiting
Just like I waited for him to come back
After the week or so he spent in the hospital
Just like I waited for him to come back
From his hunting trips when I was little
Just like I waited for him to come back
When he went out for dart night at the bar
Just like I waited for him to come back
When he'd drop me off at a friend's house
Because he always came back
He never forgot about me
Now I'm not sure where he went
But I should know that he's not coming back
And in the small moments that I realize that,
I feel forgotten
I feel lonely
My daddy always came back...
Daddy please, don't forget about me...
This pain...in a way, it's what keeps me going
It's a twisted way of hanging on
But I'm not ready to let go.

Night time is the worst
We're supposed to go to bed like it doesn't hurt
Like this type of pain can't keep us awake
Like we didn't lose our dad
And our hearts didn't break
Like we aren't broken or open
Or searching for comfort each night
Like we don't go to bed hoping
We'll wake up from this life

They delivered bad luck rather than handing candy out this year
And our address was first on the list
All these shots to the chest are starting to collect
These are the kind of demons you can't fight with your fist

You never think it can happen to you until it happens
but it happens so fast, there's no way they could warn you
And it's never the good things we look back on, but the bad things
We can talk about the memories with love but you know it's the evil things that haunt you, too

Lately I can't write because it hurts too much
It's like rubbing an open wound but there is no cut
No pain you can see with your eyes,
But I promise you I'm hurting
This smile's just a disguise

Is it working?
Am I trying hard enough?
Have I convinced you, too, that I am tough enough?
Have I filled my actions with strength or words with ease?
Can you see what this ****'s done to me?
I'm trying not to let you see what this has done to me.

I was hell bent on being sad
Making desperate decisions
To push away the past
Thought I lost all that I had
It all started with my dad
I used to think my rebellious ways drove him to drink
Until I learned about his eleventh chromosome
It was then I knew why the sight of alcohol made his mouth foam
He’d raise his voice
Then his fist without a conscious choice
The next morning he’d be sorry
Kiss my bruises if he could
But I’d already be gone
We all knew I would
I’d be gone before he woke
With ****** friends looking for anything to smoke
Now I only smoke the ashes of my pride and the fresh potpourri of my regret
There’s a few things like this I’ll never forget
Here’s to my mother
She could never understand
Why I changed so drastically by the unwanted touch of a man
It tore us apart the way she just couldn’t see
How that man could ever take so much from me
My little sister would worry when I didn’t come home
She’d be scared each time was real
That each time I’d finally leave her alone
But what she doesn’t know is why I’d always return
I came home to see my baby sister
Because a baby is how my eyes will always see her
My sister put a smile on even when home was hell’s prison
Somehow she always felt she had to hide what’s arisen
She was always good that way
Through every heartache she’s been the strongest of four
She’s the reason why I don’t run anymore
Now and then I reminisce back to when she was three
It took so long for ignorance to pass
Took me a while to see
How I need her curious eyes to forever look up to me
Some days I lose my calm thinking whether or not she always will
As long as she does, I’ve not lost it all
In my baby sister’s eyes, I’ve got everything still

I was hell bent on being sad
Making desperate decisions
To push away the past
Thought I lost all that I had
It all started with my dad
I used to think my rebellious ways drove him to drink
Until I learned about his eleventh chromosome
It was then I knew why the sight of alcohol made his mouth foam
He’d raise his voice
Then his fist without a conscious choice
The next morning he’d be sorry
Kiss my bruises if he could
But I’d already be gone
We all knew I would
I’d be gone before he woke
With ****** friends looking for anything to smoke
Now I only smoke the ashes of my pride and the fresh potpourri of my regret
There’s a few things like this I’ll never forget
Here’s to my mother
She could never understand
Why I changed so drastically by the unwanted touch of a man
It tore us apart the way she just couldn’t see
How that man could ever take so much from me
My little sister would worry when I didn’t come home
She’d be scared each time was real
That each time I’d finally leave her alone
But what she doesn’t know is why I’d always return
I came home to see my baby sister
Because a baby is how my eyes will always see her
My sister put a smile on even when home was hell’s prison
Somehow she always felt she had to hide what’s arisen
She was always good that way
Through every heartache she’s been the strongest of four
She’s the reason why I don’t run anymore
Now and then I reminisce back to when she was three
It took so long for ignorance to pass
Took me a while to see
How I need her curious eyes to forever look up to me
Some days I lose my calm thinking whether or not she always will
As long as she does, I’ve not lost it all
In my baby sister’s eyes, I’ve got everything still

Can you see emptiness?
Not of a glass or an abyss
Emptiness inside a soul
The echoing through something once whole
I just need to know,
Should I hide these holes?
Should I disguise these bruises?
Cover up these scars?
Should we suppress our pain,
To hide who we really are?
I'm 17 years old
And I hurt
And I bleed
Most days I feel lower than dirt
And some days I can't breathe
Who are you to judge me for it?
I just want to know,
Can you see it or do I have to tell you so?
I want to die.
I want to be alone.
But did you already know?

On your best friend's birthday we made love in a tent
Not knowing how much more time we'd spend doing it again
And again
And again
I'd still do it again
And again
And again
That night I drank too much and convinced myself I meant nothing to you
I wish I would've stayed convinced
But then you told me you'd love me
And you did
I wish you'd love me again

I write too much.
I think I write too much.
I think I think too much.
I think I write too much cause I think too much.
And I think I write too much about thinking too much.
I think I think too much about thinking too much
And writing too much that I just don't know what to think.
I think I'm gonna think myself dead.


.....I think

Your words cut me open
Even deeper with each one you’d spoken
I’m not one for revenge
But between you and a bench
Dangling from a fatal fall from a ledge
I’d have a seat and call it a day
And I’d fall asleep perfectly okay

It was a poor excuse for a bench to be honest
But it beats a skum-bag, heart breaker like you any day
Maybe ‘cause it’s got nothin’ to say, really
While you’d ***** ‘til you hit cement
Even then, I’m sure you’d vouch your soul to be my personal torment
But first the devil would have to give you back the soul you spent  
To buy a ****** bench