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12.9k · Aug 2013
Hobbies
Jamie Horridge Aug 2013
Like your head pounds
for nicotine
My head screams
to write feelings
While your fingers shake
for what you need
My fingers trace letters
on the back of my knee

You have an illness and would you look at that, so do I
We find hobbies with our hands and tell ourselves we're getting by

While you are out
and you are drinking
I am home
and I am thinking
I'm alone
And I am sinking
Discovering things that were better off mysteries
Slowly discovering what is killing me
                                Before it kills me
But I need it like it's been getting me high
It's my little hobby,
and it's getting me by

You have an illness and would you look at that, so do I
We find hobbies with our hands and tell ourselves we're getting by
I find a hobby for my head, and somehow I'm *getting by
12.6k · Mar 2014
If You Were the Sun
Jamie Horridge Mar 2014
Who are you and why do you have this effect on me?
You walked in the room and I can hardly breath
Do you make me nervous on purpose, or is it just me?
Are you doing this on purpose?
I'm falling so quickly

I don't wanna rush it and call it too soon
But if you were the sun, then I'd be the moon
Your eyes illuminate the streets with the only light I can see
I'm just a deer in your headlights when you look at me

Take me anywhere you want to go
I'd follow you into the dark in places I don't know
Wherever you are is where I want to be
You're everything I want, and all that I can see

If you have a hint of doubt about the things that I have said
Just believe me when I say, you do laps inside my head
If you leave it up to me,
I'd tell you to stick around
You be the tree,
I'll be the roots in the ground
I'll help you grow and try to give you everything you need
Darling, it'd make me happy if you grew old with me
6.0k · Feb 2014
Dear Daddy
Jamie Horridge Feb 2014
Dear daddy,
there's a box full of letters under my bed
I wrote them to you but kept them in my head
For reasons a little more than "left unsaid"
No, I can't communicate with the dead
Paper doesn't reply
And if it could,
It wouldn't compare to the conversations between you and I
You were inspiring and wonderful
Did you know that, daddy?
You were brave so that we were comfortable
In a house with safety that still survives
To me, you've never died
And every time I say that you have,
I feel that I've lied
In my dreams, you're still real
A body I can hug,
A person I can feel
But when I wake up,
you are gone again
And I'm struggling...I am
Because I lost my best friend
We were getting closer, weren't we?
Things were getting better, weren't they?
I know everything happens for a reason,
or at least that's what they say
But I can't find a reason to take a man's life
Though I can find a reason to use this knife...
But I'm stronger than that, and maybe that's why
Good people must go, even the best must die
I might've lost my dad, but I won't lose this fight

Dear daddy, you should know that I'm much stronger now
I'm falling apart but I stand tall somehow
And it hurts every day, and we all still cry
But you had to go, and even though I don't know why
I know that there's a reason behind your leaving
I know that there's a reason I was the one to find you'd stopped breathing
I know there's a reason for October 15th
I know I don't know that reason,
But I'm getting closer, I think.
Please excuse how poorly I've been writing. To say the least, it hurts to write anymore.
3.1k · Oct 2013
I found you
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
You are the sun that never shines
   no one but me knows about you
You are love that always hides
   no one knows they can't live without you
You are the light in the distance
   the one they can't catch on tape
You're what I've found in all that's missing
   I'd be crazy not to think it's fate
2.8k · Sep 2013
Energy
Jamie Horridge Sep 2013
Opened the blind and saw right away
The sun had too much energy for me today
So I closed the blind again
And I haven't asked if she's mad
Because I know she is
I can still see her enthusiasm through the blind
Some days I wish the sun's energy was mine
Some days I have no energy for creating wishes or dreams
Or even doing simple things of value to me
I spend my days angry at myself for being so depressed
I cannot shine with the weight of my own words upon my chest
I am not the sun, and I'm nowhere near as bright as she
So why when she shines, does she always shine on me?
And why does her energy sometimes scare me?
It's like she's making a mockery of me
And when I turn my back
I can still see her mocking me
I know why I close the blinds when she's too bright
I'm not a vampire, but I do enjoy myself at night
It's as if the darkness of the night imposes no stress on me
I look outside and I'm overwhelmed with a calming feeling
As if I've got no plans and no where to go
I let my mind settle down, and my fingers take control
And when the sun
When she shines bright on me
There are no silhouettes of anyone to hide me
I am in the lime light
Of the sun's energy
She shines on me with hope
Of all I know I could be
And sometimes the changes
Are just a little unsettling  





-- Have no idea where I was going with this, but I'm okay with where it went and decided to stop writing this and open the blind again. May add more later
*-- Took someones advice and added more. Completely satisfied.
2.3k · Jan 2014
Bad Roommate
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
Walls I plastered in my skull
Walls all around
No one gets through
And I don't come out
I feel safe here
But loneliness lives with me now
Under a roof I built
To keep loneliness out
2.0k · Oct 2013
Untitled
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
You are the last dream I had before I woke up, the one that lingers all day
You are the electrician I've been waiting on that never shows up, the one that doesn't do his job anyway

Will I always have to settle for less than you?
2.0k · Sep 2013
Painters Of the Sky
Jamie Horridge Sep 2013
I've been watching someone paint all morning
He started with orange and pink
Now I see shades of blue and light green
Since I woke up, he's been painting
On the largest canvas I've ever seen

A wonderful artist,
Though sometimes sloppy, still highly unique
He wants to show everyone
He's an artist without a secret to keep

He's been painting since I was little
And long before then, too  
I know the pattern of his brush strokes
Look up now and then, and so could you

I don't know the painters of the sky
But they paint all day and I never ask why
It's beautiful, so why should I?
They're beautiful, who are these guys?

I don't know the painter of the moon
But the sun always sleeps
So I'll watch him paint soon
And I don't know the painter of the stars
But when the paints still wet
I know he can't be far

I know a lot of artists
But not one who paints the sky
I imagine they're good people
That like to paint for you and I
1.6k · Oct 2013
Summer Love
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
We spent all summer together.
I slept til noon every day, which now I regret because I realize I could have spent more time with you then I did, but each day I woke up, I woke up to a phonecall with a voicemail to follow it up.
You would say “hey babe, it’s me” because you knew I had your voice memorized.
And even if I hadn’t, I had memorized the pattern we spent our summer following.
You’d call me while I was sleeping and wait til I woke up, and I’d call you before I blinked for the first time that day.
You could never wait for me to get ready, so you’d come and watch me as I picked out my outfit and put on my makeup while you proceeded to tell me each and every day that I never needed it.
But August of that summer, you left.
You went to bootcamp.
I wrote you every single day, multiple times a day.
And you replied when you got the chance, which wasn’t often but understandable.
And even though you are hers now, I keep those 12 letters you wrote me those 10 weeks away from home in a wooden box on top of my dresser because knowing they’re there brings me back to you.
To that summer we were so happy and in love.
That summer you took my heart.
And that same summer you never gave it back.
This is very old, but I just found it and really enjoyed reading it again.
1.5k · Jan 2014
A Scorpio's Strength
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
Stop.

Breathe.

Write.


My heartbeat slows as the words flow out
Sometimes I can't believe these words come from my mouth
Or my fingers should I say perhaps
Nonetheless, these are mine
I keep them in this mind I call my knapsack

In this knapsack of mine,
Are the things people never see
So to write from it is hard sometimes
These are my personal feelings

I'm tired of being true to everyone but myself
It's okay that I'm not okay, it's okay to need a little help
But don't listen to them when they say,
"You can't do this on your own"
They only say that because they couldn't
Girl, they don't know the ways you're strong

I gotta keep putting faith in these bones
I possess the only arms that I've ever called home
My soul is independent because my strength runs deep
And to be able to see that now, means a lot to me

I've come a long way
And I've still got a long way to go
But don't think I'll ever say,
"I can't do this on my own."
Jamie Horridge Aug 2012
I need to clean this slate
Whipe away the chalk trails of my mistakes
I need a clean slate

Chalk's never been so impossible to erase
It's there to stay
To send my mind to outerspace
Spelling out the things I did not say

Every word fits on this deafening chalk board
Spelling out the only words I chose to hoard
"I need you..."
My mind reads it like my lips have said it before
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
You don't know her,
and she doesn't know you,
but she'll smile right back,
In hopes that you smile, too

She's got a heart of gold
But she's blind as a bat

So you want to get to know her?
You want to trace your way
Through the roots beneath her feet
But boy, she grows guarded
She's not just any tree

She's got a heart of gold
But she won't give you that

You don't know her,
don't ask her to stay
You're no different
And she will push you away

She's got a heart of gold
But she's strong as nails

There's no saying how close
She'll decide to pull you in
But don't get comfortable
She will shed you like skin

She's got a heart of gold
But she doesn't need a thing

Don't blame her
She doesn't know what she does
She only sees the aftermath
The bruises and the cuts
She will look at them all wide-eyed
"Who would do such a thing?"
She simply cannot fathom
All the pain her love can bring

She's got a heart of gold
But she's blind as a bat
1.3k · Jul 2013
In My Baby Sister's Eyes
Jamie Horridge Jul 2013
I was hell bent on being sad
Making desperate decisions
To push away the past
Thought I lost all that I had
It all started with my dad
I used to think my rebellious ways drove him to drink
Until I learned about his eleventh chromosome
It was then I knew why the sight of alcohol made his mouth foam
He’d raise his voice
Then his fist without a conscious choice
The next morning he’d be sorry
Kiss my bruises if he could
But I’d already be gone
We all knew I would
I’d be gone before he woke
With ****** friends looking for anything to smoke
Now I only smoke the ashes of my pride and the fresh potpourri of my regret
There’s a few things like this I’ll never forget
Here’s to my mother
She could never understand
Why I changed so drastically by the unwanted touch of a man
It tore us apart the way she just couldn’t see
How that man could ever take so much from me
My little sister would worry when I didn’t come home
She’d be scared each time was real
That each time I’d finally leave her alone
But what she doesn’t know is why I’d always return
I came home to see my baby sister
Because a baby is how my eyes will always see her
My sister put a smile on even when home was hell’s prison
Somehow she always felt she had to hide what’s arisen
She was always good that way
Through every heartache she’s been the strongest of four
She’s the reason why I don’t run anymore
Now and then I reminisce back to when she was three
It took so long for ignorance to pass
Took me a while to see
How I need her curious eyes to forever look up to me
Some days I lose my calm thinking whether or not she always will
As long as she does, I’ve not lost it all
In my baby sister’s eyes, I’ve got everything still
Jamie Horridge Aug 2012
I need to clean this slate
Whipe away the chalk trails of my mistakes
I need a clean slate

Chalk's never been so impossible to erase
It's there to stay
To send my mind to outerspace
Spelling out the things I did not say

Every word fits on this small chalk board
Spelling out the only words I chose to hoard
"I need you..."
My mind reads it like my lips have said it before
1.2k · Jul 2013
Two Bodies with One Soul
Jamie Horridge Jul 2013
You’ve grown up and out of this small town
I hope you’re loving life with that Texas heart now
You’ve played a role in my life that no one has better played
Met a lot of people, baby girl, but you’re the only one I’m certain will stay
You’ve helped me grow
You’ve seen tears that pride has never let me show
You’ve heard my heart speak
When my neck was too weak
To hold up a head
Filled with words and regrets
A certain glow abruptly left an innocent, pale face of a girl with Captain Morgan for breath
Whose mind traveled time back to a place she still aches to forget
The place of deception
Where an innocent perception had been left
You watched that glow leave
Felt my voice shake as I tried to explain my pain as I grieved
You just listened and began to grieve with me

You stretched your arm out as the fury left your fist
Slowly opened your fingers, instead of your lips
That was the first time someone didn’t tell me not to cry
You felt what I did, and this is how I know why
I’ve been told there are people we are destined to meet
Whose fingerprints will stain our soul even after they leave
I wasn’t told it was possible to share your own soul
But I didn’t need to be
Darling, you made me whole
In finding you, I found me
We're two bodies with one soul
1.2k · Nov 2013
In My Baby Sister's Eyes
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
I was hell bent on being sad
Making desperate decisions
To push away the past
Thought I lost all that I had
It all started with my dad
I used to think my rebellious ways drove him to drink
Until I learned about his eleventh chromosome
It was then I knew why the sight of alcohol made his mouth foam
He’d raise his voice
Then his fist without a conscious choice
The next morning he’d be sorry
Kiss my bruises if he could
But I’d already be gone
We all knew I would
I’d be gone before he woke
With ****** friends looking for anything to smoke
Now I only smoke the ashes of my pride and the fresh potpourri of my regret
There’s a few things like this I’ll never forget
Here’s to my mother
She could never understand
Why I changed so drastically by the unwanted touch of a man
It tore us apart the way she just couldn’t see
How that man could ever take so much from me
My little sister would worry when I didn’t come home
She’d be scared each time was real
That each time I’d finally leave her alone
But what she doesn’t know is why I’d always return
I came home to see my baby sister
Because a baby is how my eyes will always see her
My sister put a smile on even when home was hell’s prison
Somehow she always felt she had to hide what’s arisen
She was always good that way
Through every heartache she’s been the strongest of four
She’s the reason why I don’t run anymore
Now and then I reminisce back to when she was three
It took so long for ignorance to pass
Took me a while to see
How I need her curious eyes to forever look up to me
Some days I lose my calm thinking whether or not she always will
As long as she does, I’ve not lost it all
In my baby sister’s eyes, I’ve got everything still
This poem was never meant to make my father look like a ****** dad, he was a great dad. We were a family that struggled through a lot, but we struggled with love and we made it through. We miss you a lot, and I hope you know I never meant to write about your flaws. Looking back now, I guess you could assume that I did but just know that the bad stories are the ones that make the paper.
1.1k · Sep 2013
Three Months
Jamie Horridge Sep 2013
I go through phases of cleaning
And I mean cleaning everything
Your room, my room
The entire city
I could clean and clean
But still feel *****

I'm becoming OCD
Obsessive Compulsively Dicking around
What's gonna happen to me,
When he finally gets out?

It's not like I look in the mirror
and see something I don't want to see
But I can't help but feel just a little *****
Ever since he touched me
When I didn't wanna be
Touched

A three month sentence
For a life long pain
If it wasn't for my strength,
He wouldn't even know my name
He'll never know hers
               or hers
                    or hers
But I made sure he knows mine
I wonder if in just three months
He's had enough time
To remember my name
For the rest of his life
To remember my name
As I unconciously recite his
I wonder if he missed his kid
If he called his mom
Or if she called him

Twelve people sat in the jury that day
And I wonder how many of them
Truly believed that three months
Was enough time
To bring justice
To anyone
I wonder if even one of them
Would change their mind
If they heard what I had to say tonight
If they could hear me
I'd make sure they knew
I spent two years
Believing in a justice system that never came through
That I'll spend the rest of my life
Wondering, trying to be tough
Wishing I could finally get clean enough
And he got *three months
1.1k · Mar 2014
Untitled
Jamie Horridge Mar 2014
I can still hear you walking,
stomping
Hoping you don't hear me talking,
stopping
realizing I'm talking to myself
cause there is no one else

You know, I used to get sick of the way
I cover everything up with laughter
I got it from you
And I used to wish I never had
It makes it hard to deal with things
Because I don't
I just laugh until it doesn't hurt
And sometimes that's worse

I used to hate how nervous I get
Before leaving the house
Always searching for something else
Always feeling like I'm missing something
It's not that cold,
but what if my car breaks down?

But I miss how smart you were
And how humble you were
When asking how to spell simple words
I **** at spelling, too
I got a lot of bad things from you
Or so I used to think

But now, it's as though all my flaws
Have become pieces of you
Laced through different parts of me
How could I ever hate them now?
I'm still learning to love myself because of you
I'm still growing to love the way you taught me to
I love myself even better now
And it's all because of you
eh
1.1k · Sep 2013
Rant.
Jamie Horridge Sep 2013
I read the words that I've wrote down
Again and again
Until they lose their original sound
In my ****** up head
And I've been talking to myself again

No you haven't... I'm not you, we're friends......

I'm not enough even for myself
And I suppress that thought
Until I'm someone else

I think you have a personality disorder...

You're so ******* me
Would you please lighten up?

I'm only telling the truth, you're just not tough.

I'm trying to write
You've said enough

It's 2 o'clock and you just woke up...

I can't count how many times I've told you to shut up

Priorities...routines?
You seem to forget this stuff.


SHUT UP
SHUT UP


I won't pity you anymore.

I don't want you to

I don't even know you anymore.

I don't want you to.
1.1k · Sep 2014
Dear Daddy
Jamie Horridge Sep 2014
You've been away for awhile, and I've got a lot to say
A lot of things have happened since that devastating day
I want you to know what's going on in my world
I'm gonna be a mother, daddy
I'm having a baby girl

You won't be here when she finally comes into my life
You won't be here when she's the flower ******* the day I become a wife
You will never tuck her in and kiss her goodnight
She'll never meet you, and to me it's just not right
It's like a knife to my chest
A blow to my soul
It's not fair she'll never know the man that gave me life
But I'll do my best to make up for it, I'll tell her every night
The ways in which you loved me and made me who I am
So that I could create this baby girl, and love her like I can

I'll love her unconditionally
Just the way that you loved me
And I'll love her just as much
When she tells me she hates me

I'll look her in the eyes and be reminded of the days
You looked into mine, and loved me this way
968 · Feb 2014
I'm not Ready
Jamie Horridge Feb 2014
I don't want it to get easier
I want it to be just as hard as the first day
I want it to hurt this bad forever
I want it to sting like I just found him
It's a twisted way of hanging on
But I can't let go...
If I could, I'd relive the day that he left
So that I'd never have to feel to far away from him
It's a twisted way of holding on
But somehow the intensity of the pain makes me feel closer to him
As if he just left...
And maybe that's because I'm waiting for him to come back
It's so twisted
But I'm still waiting
Just like I waited for him to come back
After the week or so he spent in the hospital
Just like I waited for him to come back
From his hunting trips when I was little
Just like I waited for him to come back
When he went out for dart night at the bar
Just like I waited for him to come back
When he'd drop me off at a friend's house
Because he always came back
He never forgot about me
Now I'm not sure where he went
But I should know that he's not coming back
And in the small moments that I realize that,
I feel forgotten
I feel lonely
My daddy always came back...
Daddy please, don't forget about me...
This pain...in a way, it's what keeps me going
It's a twisted way of hanging on
But I'm not ready to let go.
I miss you.
Jamie Horridge Dec 2013
I'm frightened when the phone rings for the very first time,
And every ring after that makes me just as nervous
And angry
As if I want to yell for silence
But no one is there

There's one good thing about the house phone ringing,
If they leave a voicemail, they get to hear my dad's voice
I haven't heard my dad speak in fifty days
He was fifty when he died,
fifty days ago
fifty doesn't seem so old to me now

There are nights that I get to see him,
But only with my eyes closed
While I sleep on his pillow
Because it still smells like him
Sometimes I hear his voice
And my stomach drops and I grin
Until I realize...

I'm frightened
And every ring after that makes me just as nervous
And angry
As if I want to yell at someone
But no one is there

There's one good thing about depression,
After you leave a voicemail on your mother's phone, you'll be put to sleep
In fifty different ways,
with fifty different pills
because fifty doesn't seem like so many to me now

Fifty just doesn't feel like anything to me now
I just don't feel anything now
Please note; I do not actually take pills, this is just a reflection of how I feel.
933 · Jul 2013
I think I'll sit
Jamie Horridge Jul 2013
Your words cut me open
Even deeper with each one you’d spoken
I’m not one for revenge
But between you and a bench
Dangling from a fatal fall from a ledge
I’d have a seat and call it a day
And I’d fall asleep perfectly okay

It was a poor excuse for a bench to be honest
But it beats a skum-bag, heart breaker like you any day
Maybe ‘cause it’s got nothin’ to say, really
While you’d ***** ‘til you hit cement
Even then, I’m sure you’d vouch your soul to be my personal torment
But first the devil would have to give you back the soul you spent  
To buy a ****** bench
928 · Jan 2014
Sick of Small Talk
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
How would you feel if I told you I like your mind?
I enjoy your spoken thoughts 'cause they're similar to mine
And what would you say if I asked to hear more?
Tell me what goes on in there when you shut the door
What does your mind search for while you search for sleep?
What do you envision in the moments you hardly speak?
Do you question these things, or is it just me?

Ask your neighbor, a stranger...
What it is that makes them move
Not down the hall, across the street, or into another room
Ask them what it is that really makes them move
What touches them so close they're not sure what to do?
Have you ever been rubbed raw, brother?
And who was it that rubbed you?
And what did they have to say?
Why did you let it slip in and change your thoughts for the day?

Ask yourself the same thing
What really grinds your gears?
How often do you change your thoughts?
Every week, month, or year?
How many minutes in a day do you spend thinking to yourself?
How many times can you recollect asking for help?
Do you carry confidence with you to the places that you go?
These are the things in our minds that most never know
We settle for small talk, for some reason, like that's all there is
For that reason, I'd prefer not to talk to an adult over a kid
They'll tell you anything and that's how it should be
Let's open our minds and let others see

What is it about a person that draws you in?
What about being human makes it easier to sin?
What's the first thing you noticed when you opened your eyes today?
I've been thinking a lot, and I think that's okay...

People would look at me strange if I asked these things,
But if they found this on tumblr, it could be life changing...
Don't close your mind to things that seem off the wall,
Let's try something new,
I'm sick of small talk
893 · Oct 2013
A Road I've Traveled
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I’ve been down the road you’re going.
You should know there’s only one way home.
It’s a cold, shameful walk, my dear.
Each step made me feel more alone.

You’re searching for a face of understanding.
Well, look around. There’s more than you think.
A new victim; forgotten by the system.
A new victim each time you blink.

I know you’re terrified to let anyone in.
You want to bathe in your own filthy skin.
It’s the least you can do,
After he took away all of you.

But you don’t have to suffer in that skin.
We can get you back from him.
Get back all the things he selfishly stole,
But it starts with you; do you want to feel whole?

Right now there’s monsters tearing you apart.
There’s demons sleeping with you in your bed.
Don’t let those ******* get to your heart.
Let ‘em know, you’ve always been stronger than them.
884 · Feb 2014
A Good Day for Death
Jamie Horridge Feb 2014
Today seems like good day for death
Seems like a good day to take my last step, last breath
So why don't you **** me?
Put a gun to my head
It'll make me smile
It'll thrill me
I'm no selfish being,
I can't **** myself
But I've got the gun and it's loaded
All I need is a little help
Ease my pain, but first crank it up
Torture me with the pain I've caused
Until I've had enough
Put me through hell
And then take my life
I promise I'll be alright
It'll make things better
Once I see the light...
874 · Nov 2013
I'm trying
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
Night time is the worst
We're supposed to go to bed like it doesn't hurt
Like this type of pain can't keep us awake
Like we didn't lose our dad
And our hearts didn't break
Like we aren't broken or open
Or searching for comfort each night
Like we don't go to bed hoping
We'll wake up from this life

They delivered bad luck rather than handing candy out this year
And our address was first on the list
All these shots to the chest are starting to collect
These are the kind of demons you can't fight with your fist

You never think it can happen to you until it happens
but it happens so fast, there's no way they could warn you
And it's never the good things we look back on, but the bad things
We can talk about the memories with love but you know it's the evil things that haunt you, too

Lately I can't write because it hurts too much
It's like rubbing an open wound but there is no cut
No pain you can see with your eyes,
But I promise you I'm hurting
This smile's just a disguise

Is it working?
Am I trying hard enough?
Have I convinced you, too, that I am tough enough?
Have I filled my actions with strength or words with ease?
Can you see what this ****'s done to me?
I'm trying not to let you see what this has done to me.
874 · Jan 2014
I want to kiss you.
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
I want to kiss the scars on your face.
Not because I want to heal them,
I see that they have already had enough time to heal on their own.
I want to kiss them in hopes that you will learn to give them love like I wish to.
I want to kiss them so that you never regret them.
I want to kiss them so that every morning that you wake up and find them in the mirror again,
you can't help but love them...even if only a little.
I want to teach you to love the parts of you that you find hard to...because I find it easy.
I will teach you how to love yourself.
And if my love is the only reason you love those parts of yourself...the ones you thought you never could,
I will make sure to never stop loving them...so that you will never stop loving them, either.
872 · Mar 2014
A Wonderland of Lies
Jamie Horridge Mar 2014
Sometimes I don't feel anything
My nervous system responds as though I am here
In this body
But I am not
I'm somewhere that I find hard to explain
Somewhere that I feel may not be a part of real life
Or visited by anyone other than me
It is a place I may have made all on my own, all for me

Does that make me crazy?
You must be asking yourself if I am
But I am asking myself "how?"
How does it make me crazy that I have created a place of solitude?
I go to this place to save myself
Because if there's anything I've discovered, it's that I'm the only one who can
I grew tired of waiting for someone to throw me a life saver
I grew tired of waiting for superman, dangling from great heights
So I jumped
And I fell into a place that I have coined safe
A place I have coined all my own
I'm never lost or confused here
It's somewhere I belong

So if I have made a wonderland of lies in my mind to keep from losing myself,
does that make me insane or completely aware?
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
These demons inside us
They want us to die
We're a lot alike
You and I

I fight death with ink
You fight it with fighting the ability to think
But we both want to die
We're just too strong for suicide
Though we've been close many times

We've got problems
That could eat us alive
We've got monsters
Feeding off our insides
The parts that haven't yet died

Have you thought what it might be like to drown?
A sentence like that could make our mothers' cry
But as demonic as it might sound...
I'm just so happy you want to die
Jamie Horridge Dec 2013
We are all the same when ripped apart
Just skin and bones and a pumping heart
So what makes you so special?

We all have our share of problems
And we've all got our dreams
Sometimes we're not sure how to solve them
Sometimes it comes so easily

If you took a look at me
What would come to mind?
Do you think that you could see
The demons that swim my spine?

Of course you couldn't
And if you could, you wouldn't try
And that is just the problem
With the world and I

We see what's on the outside
A book, a house, a letter
We don't care about the inside
Until we know it's better

We are all the same when ripped apart
Just skin and bones and a pumping heart
So what makes you so special?
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
Rings of fire instilled around me
Linking together to create my Olympic Death
It must be a thousand degrees where I am
I've never seen so much smoke without my breath

If I had a cigarette, I'd light it on my hand
To emphasize the heat
I'd take a stroll, with a smoke, through the flames
Walking through hell in my bare feet
Jamie Horridge Nov 2013
Do you think your pain would fit in this bottle?
If so, baby, fill it up
'Cause look, I know you've been hurting
-- Sorry I'm not good at this stuff

I know all the words that make you smile
But I forget them when you look at me

Could you fill it up and send it back to me?
I wanna take your pain away
Don't laugh at me
Float your worries on the surface of the sea
I'll hold them for a while because I like when you're happy
Oh, I wish it was that easy
I wish you were that easy
800 · Oct 2013
Don't Leave
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I don't want to talk about it but I guess I should, shouldn't I?
I know all the neighbors saw what these four walls couldn't hide
Did they hear his door slam then lock?
Did they hear his gun load and then ****?
Could they hear me begging for him to let me in?
Could they hear his refusal, harsh and thick as sin?
I heard everything

How many times do I have to beg for the same life?
How many miles in this tunnel before we see a light?
We've been fighting for you,
but you're not fighting for us
I know life is ******,
but really, what is the rush?
I want to understand,
help me make you tough
Slow down, daddy
You've been drinking way too much
And not laughing nearly enough
Can you smile, please?
If not for you, for me?

Hospital walls have never been too comforting
They cave in at night when the doctors are sleeping
And the nurses are on break, having a smoke together
You told me things were good and, if I waited, that they'd be getting better
But I've been waiting outside and I think the rain just keeps getting wetter
I've been waiting, and nothing seems to be any better

I've been making this about me, haven't I?
I'm so sorry, please allow me to apologize
I just can't find the right words to save my dad's life,
But I won't stop talking until they come out right
I won't give up on the life that made mine

I love you, daddy
We can do this,
we'll be fine

Just put your hands in mine
I will carry your weight until you're ready
I need you
Don't leave me, daddy
781 · Oct 2013
This is denial, isn't it?
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
No matter how many times I picture you lying there
      Motionless,
                  Lifeless
I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that you are gone,
That in just a couple hours
The ones that follow bed and morning,
you left
And I found your body somewhere without you

But in the small moments that I do,
I am completely
Lost
Angry
Confused
Afraid
Alone
And slowly dying, myself

How could I lose you?
My daddy...

**No.
774 · Sep 2013
Two Bodies With One Soul
Jamie Horridge Sep 2013
You’ve grown up and out of this small town
I hope you’re loving life with that Texas heart now
You’ve played a role in my life that no one has better played
Met a lot of people, baby girl, but you’re the only one I’m certain will stay

You’ve helped me grow
You’ve seen tears that pride has never let me show
You’ve heard my heart speak
When my neck was too weak
To hold up a head
Filled with words and regrets
A certain glow abruptly left
An innocent, pale face of a girl
With Captain Morgan for breath
Whose mind traveled time
Back to a place she still aches to forget
The place of deception
Where an innocent perception
Had been left
You watched that glow leave
Felt my voice shake as I tried to explain my pain as I grieved
You just listened
And began to grieve with me

You stretched your arm out as the fury left your fist
Slowly opened your fingers,
Instead of your lips
That was the first time someone didn’t tell me not to cry
You felt what I did,
And this is how I know why
I’ve been told there are people
We are destined to meet
Whose fingerprints will stain our soul
Even after they leave
I wasn’t told it was possible
To share your own soul
But I didn’t need to be
Darling, you made me whole
In finding you, I found me
We're two bodies with one soul
750 · Oct 2013
Thinking of you
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
How do you write with a heart that's not broken?
Surely there are people who know something I don't
Then again, why would you write with one that is?

I can talk about how lovely the weather is
How bright the sun is shining through the irresistible colors in the sky
How they remind me of sherbet ice cream in all flavors...

But before I know it, I find myself reminded of my daddy again
And how he used to buy tubs of it and eat it like it would certainly expire tomorrow

I can still see him eating it in the living room
With the tv on, at around 3 AM

I guess I can thank him for my sleeping habits
And my never ending love for sherbet ice cream
Sort of been tip toeing in my mind when writing lately to be sure not to wake up words I am not ready to write. So this isn't my best, but it means so much to me. Missing you, daddy.
734 · Jul 2013
Love/Hate
Jamie Horridge Jul 2013
I love the smell of a burning cigarette,
but hate the stale smell on my clothes.
I love that I can’t forget,
but hate that inside me you grow.
I love the sun as it sets,
but hate when it decides to go.
I love that ignorance can be bliss,
but hate that I’ll never know.
729 · Oct 2013
I Lied
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
I told you I tried to **** myself that night,
and I lied.
Not because I wanted the attention,
or needed it.
What I needed was for you to know how real it was.
I lied,
but that doesn't mean I didn't want to.
728 · Oct 2013
Weary Bones
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
Good morning angel,
how did you sleep?
That's wonderful, darling,
I've not been so lucky

I'd bet you didn't know
Weary bones make painful moans
Eyelids are not what they like me to see
And just when I thought they were gone,
I found them inside of me
Those weary bones had bought me a perfect view of my own
Oh no, angel
My ears perceived another moan
And perceived
And perceived
And perceived
They'll never let me sleep
Let me sleep
Let me sleep
Somebody cut these weary bones out of me
Out of me
Out of me
718 · Sep 2013
Is this Stain Noticeable?
Jamie Horridge Sep 2013
Can you see emptiness?
Not of a glass or an abyss
Emptiness inside a soul
The echoing through something once whole
I just need to know,
Should I hide these holes?
Should I disguise these bruises?
Cover up these scars?
Should we suppress our pain,
To hide who we really are?
I'm 17 years old
And I hurt
And I bleed
Most days I feel lower than dirt
And some days I can't breathe
Who are you to judge me for it?
I just want to know,
Can you see it or do I have to tell you so?
I want to die.
I want to be alone.
But did you already know?
Obviously I wrote this when I was 17. Just recently discovered it again. I'll be 19 on Nov. 2nd.
707 · Oct 2013
Not the Average Pair
Jamie Horridge Oct 2013
Your craziness calms my stress,
And your smile makes my stomach flutter.
I will always give you my best,
Even if we’re not meant for one another.

I saw you smile today,
And I smiled at the way,
I wanted to kiss your smile.
Wanted to make your time with me,
Worth all the while.

I’m the steamin’ end of Summer,
You’re the fall that came to cool me down.
There’s a tornado comin’ my way.
Baby, can you turn it around?

Just like the seasons,
We’re side to side for some strange reason.
To balance each other out.
Ain’t that what this crave is all about?

To find someone who’s weirdness reflects yours,
What more could we ask for?
This was also written awhile ago for someone I can still call my friend.
705 · Aug 2013
I had a sex dream
Jamie Horridge Aug 2013
I had a *** dream
It was an innocent dream I couldn't control
I had a *** dream
A dream that went to another level
I didn't know those feelings
weren't just a dream
I didn't know I'd wake up to find
That someone'd been touching me
I didn't know I had anything to be afraid of
When I closed my eyes the night before
I didn't know that evil men
Could somehow sneak beyond locked doors
It was an innocent dream I couldn't control
An innocent dream taken to another level
I had a *** dream that turned out to be real life
I fell asleep, once again, just like any other night
I fell asleep, and woke up to the nightmare of my life
I had a *** dream
And it didn't end right
693 · Jan 2014
Living with your Ghost
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
I will never know if you float around
I will never know
If ghostly feet I cannot see still sit below your seat
While you are gone, I will never know
If there's a day you will return home
A different life, perhaps
One without loss of any kind to block the mind and clog the spine
Ache the hearts of loved ones near and far
A different life
One in which my father never rests in a jar
As ashes of his past that we cannot bring to life with time
With time, they say we will heal
With time, I say... This will only become more real.
This. Cannot. Be real.
691 · Sep 2013
Sweet Talker
Jamie Horridge Sep 2013
You told me you were into me, and I told you I was into poetry
And it's those one liners you pull out of your *** that really get to me
688 · Jan 2014
What's in my head?
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
I see dead people walking the streets
They've come back to life and they finally feel free
I see dead people dancing in the streets
They've died once before, but they're more alive than me
I see dead people when I close my eyes
But they're not sad, they're happy
And I just don't get why
I've seen dead people with more life than most
Do we finally start living when we become ghosts?
I've seen dead people dance in the rain
Do we finally see clear when we go insane?
676 · Sep 2013
I Am a Writer
Jamie Horridge Sep 2013
My lines
Do not measure up together, perfectly
Each time

My rhymes
Are not always perfect in the silly sense that
They are timed

And I do not care
That perfection is hardly in my reach,
Let alone in my speech

I do not care
That you can't see where I write from
And what it means to every poem

I cannot care
Because it would destroy me as a writer
Turn me from a romantic lover to a vicious fighter
Because that is what happens when no one understands a man
That is what happens when I do everything I can
To find a person, even one, that understands where I am
Not a person, even one, understands where I am
But I understand where I am

So I take the cap off of this pen
And I begin to write again
And I won't stop
Until the words make sense
*(at least to me)
670 · Aug 2012
Dead.
Jamie Horridge Aug 2012
I've become friends with the monsters under my bed.
Made amends with the demons that I've invited into my head.
Giving cancer a thought, and toasting to it.
Oh, Lord, I know it's not right, but the scars I've made can't get me through this.
I've searched this body high and low,
For a sign of the slightest, smallest hope.
Still I've found nothing.
It's a sad, hopeless rumor that a broken heart eventually mends,
Mines been broken for some time; full of ties with no ends.
Every person is a zombie in a body half alive,
But I'm the only one who knows it.
I'm the only body that's fully died.
657 · Jan 2014
Running Scared
Jamie Horridge Jan 2014
You move me,
In a way I cannot understand
You touch me,
With something other than hands

Is this perfect timing, or did someone time this perfectly?

Don't get me wrong, I'm scared for my life
This could go every way but right... and it might
But you move me in a way that I do not understand...and I want to
I want to know what it is you do
I want to know how you do it, and if I'm the only one you do it to

For now, I'm running scared
But I'm running circles around you
652 · Jul 2013
Push me
Jamie Horridge Jul 2013
Hours and hours that you’ve been away.
They pass while you stay.
Darling, they feel like days.  

These feelings won’t dissipate.
I love you for no reason.
I hate the cold weather,
But I can’t eliminate seasons.

Push me away, as far as you can.
I don’t want to love an unlovable man.

Don’t understand why I love you.
******, I wish I didn’t, too.
I brush my teeth and lay down for bed,
And, baby, it’s you again.

Push me away, as far as you can.
I don’t want to love an unlovable man.
Push me away.
You know I can't stay.
Push me away.
Push me.
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