all my life, I tried hard to be a happy little girl
But I had a lot of rotten people come and shake my world

when I was 16
I woke up to unfamiliar fingers inside of me
And then when I was 17
My best friends brother ***** me
but nobody ever knew that
I guess because nobody ever asked
I knew that it would be worse to speak up
so as a little girl, I had to push away the past

then at 18, I found my father dead
I tried to save him and never blame him and just blame myself instead
but man that **** really ****** up my head
at age 19, I conceived a baby girl
I met the love of my life and together they changed my world
but at age 20, things started to get tough
I was a **** good mother but the love I felt just wasn’t enough
I had baggage that weighed me down so much that it tore me from head to toe
I tried to hide it and fight it and stitch up my own wounds and make it so that nobody would know
but the trauma I’d endured held onto me
and now, it holds on so tight that I can hardly breathe

I had another baby at 21 years old
after she was born, it was like my dreams froze
and I grew cold
everything I tried so hard to hold in
just fell apart before me
I let my demons win
23 and everyday I feel like dying
but I’m still here, I haven’t stopped trying
I have two little girls who need their mom to be
the woman that she is, not what pain has painted me

today I found a way to heal
I found help, I found someone to tell me that my pain is real
someone to calm my stress and tell me how to feel good again
it’s okay to need therapy to feel good again
I’m gonna feel good again
things are gonna be good again

Dissociation is a friend of mine
She wears a leather jacket and tells me when to run and hide
She puts up glass walls between me and everything else
She doesn’t trust anyone, she hardly trusts herself
The glass walls can only be seen by me
Which explains why people find it hard to understand
That I can’t feel much of anything, even with my own two hands
I can touch you, I can even *******
But I can’t guarantee we’ll ever be close
Because the girl who wears the leather jacket, tells me she loves me most

You were fifteen when we met
I was almost four years older
We finally kissed and I'll never forget
How when my heart sank, it brought down my shoulders

You took the air out of my lungs
With just one little kiss
I had no idea what we'd become
I never knew it'd be like this

Three years, two kids
We're still not on our own
No, we never pictured this
But you've become my home

Life is rough as hell right now
And I admit I've been out of control
But I know our future is bright somehow
In your arms is where I rest my soul

I love you more than you will ever know
I'm in love with you and I can't let you go

Please don't let me go

You've been away for awhile, and I've got a lot to say
A lot of things have happened since that devastating day
I want you to know what's going on in my world
I'm gonna be a mother, daddy
I'm having a baby girl

You won't be here when she finally comes into my life
You won't be here when she's the flower ******* the day I become a wife
You will never tuck her in and kiss her goodnight
She'll never meet you, and to me it's just not right
It's like a knife to my chest
A blow to my soul
It's not fair she'll never know the man that gave me life
But I'll do my best to make up for it, I'll tell her every night
The ways in which you loved me and made me who I am
So that I could create this baby girl, and love her like I can

I'll love her unconditionally
Just the way that you loved me
And I'll love her just as much
When she tells me she hates me

I'll look her in the eyes and be reminded of the days
You looked into mine, and loved me this way

I can still hear you walking,
stomping
Hoping you don't hear me talking,
stopping
realizing I'm talking to myself
cause there is no one else

You know, I used to get sick of the way
I cover everything up with laughter
I got it from you
And I used to wish I never had
It makes it hard to deal with things
Because I don't
I just laugh until it doesn't hurt
And sometimes that's worse

I used to hate how nervous I get
Before leaving the house
Always searching for something else
Always feeling like I'm missing something
It's not that cold,
but what if my car breaks down?

But I miss how smart you were
And how humble you were
When asking how to spell simple words
I **** at spelling, too
I got a lot of bad things from you
Or so I used to think

But now, it's as though all my flaws
Have become pieces of you
Laced through different parts of me
How could I ever hate them now?
I'm still learning to love myself because of you
I'm still growing to love the way you taught me to
I love myself even better now
And it's all because of you

Sometimes I don't feel anything
My nervous system responds as though I am here
In this body
But I am not
I'm somewhere that I find hard to explain
Somewhere that I feel may not be a part of real life
Or visited by anyone other than me
It is a place I may have made all on my own, all for me

Does that make me crazy?
You must be asking yourself if I am
But I am asking myself "how?"
How does it make me crazy that I have created a place of solitude?
I go to this place to save myself
Because if there's anything I've discovered, it's that I'm the only one who can
I grew tired of waiting for someone to throw me a life saver
I grew tired of waiting for superman, dangling from great heights
So I jumped
And I fell into a place that I have coined safe
A place I have coined all my own
I'm never lost or confused here
It's somewhere I belong

So if I have made a wonderland of lies in my mind to keep from losing myself,
does that make me insane or completely aware?

It hurts to write
and I don't mean my hand