Slowly killing yourself
the pain seems inevitable
like clouds hiding the sun
you want to be somewhere else
but life had felt undone
You want the world
but the world doesn't want you
Life seems like it's falling to pieces
and there isn't much left to do
then to accept the inevitable
Pain, misery, it's all for you
you don't want anything else
then to feel so sorry for yourself
and cut deeply, making these wounds real

These are the tears I've cried,
The temptation to lie,
Awake at night and trying to sleep,
it's hard to find the courage,
To recognize the hurt inside,
I've caused others and myself.

I need to really listen to others
Watch how they live
And act like them
It would be so ******* easy
To live a life of crime
Hell, I've lived a corrupted  life
Making others want to **** me
Beat the **** out of me
I don't ******* blame them
I thought I knew it all
I thought I could handle the street life
But all that did is harden my heart
And made me ****** at the world
******* world, what the **** did I ever do
To make the **** hit the ******* fan?
Can't you understand
I'm just a ******* phony living a lie
There's no way I could commit a crime
Maybe terrorist threats, talking a lot of ****
It would be better just to ******* fight
And get it done and over with
Come, take a swing at me and see what you get
I'll put my ******* face into your fist
Fall down and bleed all over the ground
Get up and run away from the action
Cause I'm just a ******* *****
And there is no attraction
No applause in what will take place
Someone could get seriously hurt
And that someone would probably be me
So I'll leave and turn away my face
Cause this is such a ******* disgrace

But the morbid thoughts that are in my head
I wish the whole ******* world  dead
I don't want to act out how I truly feel
One wrong word and I could **** you
That why I'm such a *****
I don't want to do a life bit
Maybe it's self-preservation
I don't know but it feels good to be
Outside of the prison system
I have so much freedom
It feels like a party inside my head
I'm in there ******* dancing to a beat
It feels so good I think I'll retreat
And follow after my ******* dreams
All it will take to ruin it all
Would be to act out on my brutality
And all would be a ******* waste
So much to do that I haven't done
Things I haven't seen
I want to make it all ******* real
But one wrong move could end it all
And people will truly see what I'm capable of
So am I truly a ******* *****
Or just trying to protect society
And keep a distance from the rage that's inside

I come to this place of solitude
The desire is in my mind
I write something about life
Something about you
The words aren't always precise
It's just how I feel at the time
And there stands a thin line
Between what's not Tue and is
Most of my writings are true
But the feeling is different
Not the same as I felt back then
It's like I have a new pair of glasses
And can see clearly in hindsight

What the ****
Get hit by a truck
That would be my luck
I feel stuck
Pass the buck
And let me die alone
In this old age home
So ****** of what I've sown
It ain't much to be shown
Take the razor to my wrist
And let the note be my final list
Of the **** I should of done
No more wishing under the sun
It has always been number one
Can't find no woman to ***
Has it always been this way
I just want to forget these days
And hope very soon I decay

You asked me why
And I told you why
We've ran our course
Now it's time to move on
Being in love is exciting
But I know I wasn't there
I understand you were
And that's more than okay
But I was so distant
Not happy where I was
So many times I let you know
That this wasn't going to work out
But you wanted to hold on for dear life
Not letting the situation run it's course
I feel for you, hoping you can understand
That being in a relationship should mean something
But it didn't mean all that much to me
Now you're angry and I don't blame you
I practically have wasted your time
In which it could of been spent else where
Now you want to start trouble
And that's where I draw the line
I can't help the way I didn't feel for you
We were both infatuated with each other
Lust was a big issue for the most part
After getting to know you I really
Didn't like what I was seeing
There was too many things that weren't right
I'll be honest and say I felt sorry for you
But even pity had a way of biting me in the ***
You had no place to go at the time
Just moved your things into my home
And you over stayed your welcome
What is it with women moving their things
In a man's home without asking?
It doesn't serve no purpose
Especially when we are just getting
To know each other, yes, the ***
Is good but even that doesn't hold
A relationship together. Or whatever
You want to call it. I call it plain insanity

Burning
Turning
A blast of the past
Hitting home
Almost nearly alone
Too much pressure
Driving me insane
Can't play the game
When I unlock this door
I let the demons out
Life is full of doubt

Being human
Ain't so perfect
Look into my eyes
And see the pain
I've cried about
I just want to shout
Throw a fit
How can I ever get over this?
The anger rages on
And I feel like I'm running out of time
The days are numbered
And I need to make them count for something

Show a little bit more love
Trying hard not to get frustrated and angry
Life is too short
And I have wasted a lot many hours
Trying to play the actor
Fitting everyone neatly in my own little world

I heard so many things
Don't know what's what
I was suppose stand by your side
But I chose to run away
And change my life all over again
I can do that now
But I choose not to
It's better to face my fears
Than to split town
Something I've done
Throughout my life
When it gets too hard
I turn out to be a *******

The day is flawed
No time for you
The answers are raw
Letting the hours slip askew

You want to be by my side
It seems like 24 seven
The day isn't saying much
Only to touch a part of heaven

I want to tell you everything is okay
But you can see the truth in my eyes
I reach for divinity in the day
Only to find hell by my side

I've been down a bumpy road
But it has only made me shine
Knowing how I must live
It's not with the taking but
How I give in life

I would like to feed the hungry
Give lots of money to the poor
I don't get hungry like the next
Guy and could take a meal to
Someone.  I don't have lots of
Money but can I can give away
Some change

I feel it's more so on how I act
Trying hard not to be selfish
Today.  A smile goes a long way
When it's directed at someone
To watch them light up is a
Good feeling

I can give love

Love for my family, love for my friends
Love for nature, and the good things in life
Having positive thoughts for others
And hoping all stays well, whether toil
And strife

I see the words right in front of my face
They are calling me to write them down
But I can't put them all together
Too much information all bunched up
I calmly take a breath
And put pen to paper
I start writing
And a flood of emotions come out
I write about my life, about the past
Hoping someone can relate to me
I can see how it all fits together
I look at what I wrote
Surveying the words
They become like magic on paper
And  I am enlightened.

Can I fuss?
Love to ******' cuss
What's my name?
Drugs have my brain
Lost my mind an hour ago
Trying to get it back
But where did I misplaced it?
It's odd and strange
Trying to get down with the beat
But I've lost my ******' way
Can't find the tune to my feet
I'm bouncing up and down
Excitement has me flying high
I've tried to leave this town
But it ain't letting me go
Too much about the night
I've heard the sounds
The wolves calling after me
There I can't see
No parts to be
Blind to this world
It hurts my guts
And there I can't fuss
Why I am so blunt?
Smoke it up
Lose the attitude
Collapsed my heart
With blood on my hands
Tortured soul becoming free
The last on the reaper's list
Slice my wrist
Take me away
I can't see
What's the ******* point?
Lost in ******* weeds
Roll one up
And smoke that tree
It doesn't affect me
I ain't going to object
Life is ******* funny
And I am a creature of habit
I clear away the debris
With a machine gun
I feel the night terrors
The animal inside of me

It was nothing I ******* said really
Just an excuse for you to *****
I hear what you're saying but don't mind
It's all ******* most of the time

I feel like punching you in the worse way
I can't believe you and what you say
There's no reason why you can't stop
The way down is a huge drop

I'll take you out to the shed
Show you what's inside this head
It will get ugly because I've had enough
Why can't you ever shut the **** up!

Sending out a prayer to the Universe
Hoping my friend will survive cancer
He had it once before and beat it
Now it returns in full force
And wants to **** him
He's going through treatment
Very weak in his battle against it
I pray he won't give up
For he has been a treasure in my life
And in the lives of others
I pray this prayer find it's way
To the right force and cures his ails

It's what I know,
pain and misery.
I've given it to myself,
****** myself over,
trying to be someone I'm not.
I've hurt so many,
a path of destruction in my wake.
I reach out to you,
but there is no forgiveness in your eyes,
just bitterness and hate.
I can't back down,
I want to break free,
find a better way
and live life peacefully.
But that's only a wish,
and wishing are for fools.
I've been a fool for so long,
I don't even know what's real.
I know others like to **** with me
and that's okay because they're
leaving someone else alone.

I'm ******* myself,
trying to adjust.
I can't turn back now,
in God I trust.
it might not be the way you want it
but that's just how it is.
I realize you don't like it
or you wouldn't of said anything.
You want me to act a certain way,
and are angry when I don't give in.

But here I am,
take me as I am,
or just leave me be.
I can't please everyone,
nor do I wish to.
Finding hope in something,
It's what matters today.
I don't have to put on an act,
and leave this place and run away.
I can honestly stay,
and face whatever comes my way.

I couldn't help but to say goodbye
It was time for us to part
I went about it the wrong way
I know I left a hate I can't cure

It just made me a ****
To fall for someone else
Thinking I could find happiness
By leaving you behind

I left you out in the cold
Not knowing what would become of you
Karma got me back
Cause my life wasn't the same

It was wrong of me
So very wrong of me
I dreamed about you
Only to wake without your touch

Love lost and love unfound
I wasn't mature enough
An ******* to the extreme
I ended up empty handed

No love for me
Would it of ever happen with us?
I can't answer that question now
Cause I ******* left you out in the cold

If I could turn back time and change everything I said or did I wouldn't. Life today has meaning and purpose. The past has taught me a valuable lesson, that we all need each to survive. I can't do life without any help, that's why I need you to be a part of it. I need all the help I can get, that's why I firmly believe there were and still are people praying for me. I'm not alone today. I feel the presence of others' love flowing from their hearts. And most importantly, I feel the presence of God as I understand Him saving me from my own destructive self.

I see the darkness rolling in
The sky looks mirky and bleak
In the distance i see death
Holding a scicle made of steel
He points his finger at me
Wanting me to come to him
I slowly take a step
My legs are like jello
I hear my heart beating fast in my ear
Maybe he just wants to say hello
And make things all so clear
I make the journey to him
And he held out his hand
What I saw was my life flash before me
Like a bolt of lightning my mind crackled
And the screeching sound was piercing
Causing blood to seep out of my ear
I fell to the ground screaming "why!?"
And death hissed from his lips
Saying, "you're not so better than anyone else."
I cried, "what can I do?"  And death replied,
"Go,  and live your life right."

I cut myself
so I won't cut you.
I watch myself bleed
and it hurts me
to think you got one over me
I cry myself to sleep
and let the blood drip
One more cut
One more feeling high
and I dream
of how much I want you to bleed

The more humble I am, the more Godlike I become.

Once again I became ****** up
Didn't want to but nobody held a ******* gun to my head
I was asked if I wanted a mix drink
And I said sure why not
Why the **** do I relapse all the time?
Something is stopping me moving forward
And making a good life for myself
I forget how much I drank to be honest
I ******* drank a lot
Then to add on top of it I just took my afternoon psyche meds
Anyway, I blacked out later on through the day
I came to with my next door neighbor ******* my ****
I didn't ask him to do that
I pushed him aside and grabbed my cds and ran outside
I went to my place and passed out again
Now all these ******* emotions are coming to the surface
I want to run away and forget it all
I want to drink over this so badly but I know I can't
Once again alcohol has left a bad memory in my heart
If only I didn't go over to his place
If only I didn't drink way too much
Now I can see the child within myself
Crying to find some ******* closure
Asking my older brother why
Asking my next door neighbor why
Now it's all falling to pieces
I can let it take me
But I am going to ******* survive
I'm not going to let it beat me
No, I am going to ******* beat this
And come out on the other side a better man

The beauty lies within
And seemingly outside the realm
Of unexpected experiences
It is there I find hope
A better way of life
By looking back into my past
And realizing it wasn't worth it
But sometimes it was a happy
Medium to a place I like to call darkness

Once, I kissed you forever
Meant it from my heart
Now things have changed
I don't want to part
And leave you stranded
In the middle of life's ocean
Can we remain friends forever
What are the odds
Can we play these games
And kiss each other goodnight
From across the way
I put a ring on your finger
You were lost for words
Said yes to a life together
Now things aren't the same
And I have left the nest
Wouldn't it be nice if we
Remained at our best
And stared into each other eyes
With love and adoration

Is it that I am a freak, a ******* fool to believe-
That I can control the future in any way. Whisk-
Me away and don't let the pain ***** my heart.
I want to destroy the past, tear down the walls-
That have stopped my progress on this path.
Seeking what is right but I fall short, down the-
Rabbit hole I go, seeking the reaper to let me know-
What the **** am I fighting for?  It's like he holds-
The keys, to the man I was to be, and there is no-
Escape from the hell I put myself through.

Now the beast comes out, looking to ******* ****-
The shackles that's bringing me down, break free-
From the darkness inside of me, the animal that's-
Trying to come out and make things worse than-
What they ought to be. I fight, I curse, I want it to-
Hurt, and I want you to hurt with me. What a-
******* fool I truly am, to believe that I can-
Sneak away, slither away, like a snake upon the-
Desert floor, letting the beauty in my life just-
Slip away, all because of the beast within.

Take this anger
Take this rage
It's been pent up
Like a ******* tidal wave
Let it all ******* go
This world of chaos that's mine
For i have been insane
Lost in a world of ****
No course of happiness
Nothing remotely like it
Only stuck in my own grime
Let it all ******* go
And let the joy finally shine
Use everything negative
Turn it around for the better
Make a new ******* course
One of peace and kindness
Looking toward a new future
One that will enlightened others
And set others on a new footing
While I myself learn the right direction

I have come to realize that suffering and pain go hand in hand
The struggle is to make life as comfortable as can be
There is truth in finding a passage to honesty
And connect to hope that life really isn't a veil of tears

It came to my attention
How much hard life can be
When I was very young
It was hard to see
All I wanted was to be older
Now that I am older
I want to be younger again
I would of done things differently
I would of enjoyed life better
I would of said better things
Made life simpler
I would of listened better
And done the right things
Instead, I chose the wrong path
Went my separate way
Ended up in trouble
Addicted to so many things

I chose to change my ways
Get a better perspected on life
Change my attitude and outlook
Show others I'm a different man
I no longer want to go back
To the place where I was
It was a dark place
Filled with hate
No love in me
Not for anyone
Now I do really care
For my friends and family
There was a time
When they didn't want
Anything to do with me
Changing is so much wiser
Than living a hallow life

The real me is a long way off, I've spent countless vain attempts to prove myself was macho or hero but honestly I was just saying to the world poor little me. I want your ******* sympathy for the way my life is, the only thing wrong with that is I caused all my ******* problems. There wasn't a day in the past that went by I was causing mayhem and destroying people's lives, making them believe I'm sobody when in reality I was just trying to hold on for dear life. I ended up almost homeless, not to mention the heartache I caused my mother, wondering if I was okay. She was dying of cancer and all she was concerned about if there was anything she could do to help me. Talk about unconditional love. Though I was an extremely selfish person, all I cared about was how I was going to get drunk. I have wasted so many years away that one more debauchel could finally be my ruin. I wish I could go back and fix my mistakes but I can't and that's the brutal truth. The idea that I can ever return to those times and change the things that happened has to be abandoned, the only hope I have is that I don't repeat the misery and havoc I caused, that in me there is a chance for survival and victory over this disease. I'm not saying I have been sober for years upon end, nor even a month if I want to be honest about it. But what I do hope is that I can live a life without hurting others, including myself. That I can finally grow the **** up and be the man God sees me as, not a coward trying to escape from life and causing misfortune along my way. That I can finally be the real me, without any additives.

The power has died, nothing left in me.
No words to come by, hardly can't accept what I see.
What's the sins I have held onto, the loneliness is where I'll be?
For into the void of a heartless soul, the sun seems not to shine on me. I can't escape what I'm feeling, hell is a place I've created in my
Surroundings, and the final destination is a ****** up world.

I can't cure the world
If I could I would
But it just isn't so
There are so many "shoulds"

I see the pain in your eyes
And I want to take it away
But I need to let you go
And live my life today

You was once a part of me
And I was a part of you
We traveled this road endlessly
And had all the time to be true

Now the feelings have strayed
And I'm so much hurting inside
But what is best for each other
Might take a lifetime to figure out
And I'm not prepared to stay
Putting us through misery

We sit so quietly
Looking at the t.v.
Listening to music on there
Letting the melodies ryhme
Why don't we have nothing to say?
Are we that insecure?
I'm too old to play games
That much I know for sure
It's a warm beautiful morning
And we're stuck inside
It rained the night before
So the ground is quite wet
We sit on uncomfortable furniture
And let the time pass by
Oh, how slow it is going
Because we have nothing to say
I like it when it is quiet
But this is too quiet that it is piercing
I wish I had something to talk about
But it's best to shut my mouth
And continue to listen to this music

It isn't no surprise
That I am  confined
To live in a life
Of misery
I have to break
The chains that bind
And find
The beauty in the sky
Heaven knows why
I play victims to all
Of the lies

The more Godlike I am, the more attuned I become.

The more attuned I am, the more love I have.

It's just another day.
a life filled with glum.
I search for the way,
no shine from the sun.
Ask and it will be done,
no fuss from everyone.
How important is it really,
when there is no fun?
The darkness has it's grip-
on the souls that are lost,
trying to fill the void-
at what expense and cost.
There seems like no hope,
just another soul been bought.
Can't find the right choice,
demons have my lot.

Demons have my lot
How wrong can it be?
My tortured soul casted out
Down into the pit of hell
Will you find my heart
Blackest as blackest can be
Death I summon with a voice
The howling of the cold winds
Marks a pathway into the abyss
And there I shall reign forever