I couldn't help but to say goodbye
It was time for us to part
I went about it the wrong way
I know I left a hate I can't cure

It just made me a ****
To fall for someone else
Thinking I could find happiness
By leaving you behind

I left you out in the cold
Not knowing what would become of you
Karma got me back
Cause my life wasn't the same

It was wrong of me
So very wrong of me
I dreamed about you
Only to wake without your touch

Love lost and love unfound
I wasn't mature enough
An ******* to the extreme
I ended up empty handed

No love for me
Would it of ever happen with us?
I can't answer that question now
Cause I ******* left you out in the cold

I can't cure the world
If I could I would
But it just isn't so
There are so many "shoulds"

I see the pain in your eyes
And I want to take it away
But I need to let you go
And live my life today

You was once a part of me
And I was a part of you
We traveled this road endlessly
And had all the time to be true

Now the feelings have strayed
And I'm so much hurting inside
But what is best for each other
Might take a lifetime to figure out
And I'm not prepared to stay
Putting us through misery

Can I fuss?
Love to ******' cuss
What's my name?
Drugs have my brain
Lost my mind an hour ago
Trying to get it back
But where did I misplaced it?
It's odd and strange
Trying to get down with the beat
But I've lost my ******' way
Can't find the tune to my feet
I'm bouncing up and down
Excitement has me flying high
I've tried to leave this town
But it ain't letting me go
Too much about the night
I've heard the sounds
The wolves calling after me
There I can't see
No parts to be
Blind to this world
It hurts my guts
And there I can't fuss
Why I am so blunt?
Smoke it up
Lose the attitude
Collapsed my heart
With blood on my hands
Tortured soul becoming free
The last on the reaper's list
Slice my wrist
Take me away
I can't see
What's the ******* point?
Lost in ******* weeds
Roll one up
And smoke that tree
It doesn't affect me
I ain't going to object
Life is ******* funny
And I am a creature of habit
I clear away the debris
With a machine gun
I feel the night terrors
The animal inside of me

If I could turn back time and change everything I said or did I wouldn't. Life today has meaning and purpose. The past has taught me a valuable lesson, that we all need each to survive. I can't do life without any help, that's why I need you to be a part of it. I need all the help I can get, that's why I firmly believe there were and still are people praying for me. I'm not alone today. I feel the presence of others' love flowing from their hearts. And most importantly, I feel the presence of God as I understand Him saving me from my own destructive self.

It's what I know,
pain and misery.
I've given it to myself,
****** myself over,
trying to be someone I'm not.
I've hurt so many,
a path of destruction in my wake.
I reach out to you,
but there is no forgiveness in your eyes,
just bitterness and hate.
I can't back down,
I want to break free,
find a better way
and live life peacefully.
But that's only a wish,
and wishing are for fools.
I've been a fool for so long,
I don't even know what's real.
I know others like to **** with me
and that's okay because they're
leaving someone else alone.

I'm ******* myself,
trying to adjust.
I can't turn back now,
in God I trust.
it might not be the way you want it
but that's just how it is.
I realize you don't like it
or you wouldn't of said anything.
You want me to act a certain way,
and are angry when I don't give in.

But here I am,
take me as I am,
or just leave me be.
I can't please everyone,
nor do I wish to.
Finding hope in something,
It's what matters today.
I don't have to put on an act,
and leave this place and run away.
I can honestly stay,
and face whatever comes my way.

Coming face to face with myself
I stare into the mirror and don't
Like what I see. I want a better
Way of life, I want to feel at
Peace. Though many times I
Sabotage my structure I have
Built, I have to start all over
Again and try to make it this
Time without killing myself.
I see others who are happy
And joyful, I want what they
Have but if that means I have
To bow down to someone then
I don't want any part in it.
I have grown up in an
Atmosphere of do what I say
Not what you see, that has
Lead me to many questions
About where I fit in the scheme
Of things. I placed trying to
Belong so badly with the world
And the people in it I that it
Only caused my downfall. I
Turned my back on what I was
Taught was right, traveled down
A dangerous road of hell, demons
Had my soul, only to come out
Of it with an experience of what
Not to do. I played the victim for
So many years that it's a wonder
That anyone likes me, I would
Cry a river, sing the blues, every-
Thing looked dark and bleak that
Others didn't know what to do,
So they left me be. I found a way
Out that made sense to me, I no
Longer crave attention but rather
Give it to the ones who matter. I
Have stepped across the threshold
Into a new and wonderful way of
Life that needs no commitment but
Rather a little bit of effort on my
Part. It's called surrendering my
Inner being to a higher understanding
That I am not alone anymore, that
The Universe wants to hear from me
And all are beautiful in a beautiful sort
Of way.

It's funny, oh, such a tragedy
The mind is in a horrible disbelief
The pain greets me at the door
And I'm forever lost some more
It shakes my hand and smiles so deviously
Breaking the boundaries of insecurity
Bedeviled by so many emotions
It's hard to find the key
And open up the beauty inside of me
Not so much worried with impression
But longing for the right expression
And cast magic upon the road unseen

Beauty is light bound
No darkness can smother it
It floats above everything else
There is always hope
Like a candle flickering in a breeze
The flame doesn't go out
The darkness can't breath
It has no choice but to disappear
Vanquished from the beauty

Beauty is majestic
It can't be anything else
No hate is in it's vocabulary
It's full of love and kindness
Glory flourishes in abundance
Finding our smiles as expressions of God
Giving life to the lifeless
Compelling to withstand all destructive forces

The more attuned I am, the more love I have.

The real me is a long way off, I've spent countless vain attempts to prove myself was macho or hero but honestly I was just saying to the world poor little me. I want your ******* sympathy for the way my life is, the only thing wrong with that is I caused all my ******* problems. There wasn't a day in the past that went by I was causing mayhem and destroying people's lives, making them believe I'm sobody when in reality I was just trying to hold on for dear life. I ended up almost homeless, not to mention the heartache I caused my mother, wondering if I was okay. She was dying of cancer and all she was concerned about if there was anything she could do to help me. Talk about unconditional love. Though I was an extremely selfish person, all I cared about was how I was going to get drunk. I have wasted so many years away that one more debauchel could finally be my ruin. I wish I could go back and fix my mistakes but I can't and that's the brutal truth. The idea that I can ever return to those times and change the things that happened has to be abandoned, the only hope I have is that I don't repeat the misery and havoc I caused, that in me there is a chance for survival and victory over this disease. I'm not saying I have been sober for years upon end, nor even a month if I want to be honest about it. But what I do hope is that I can live a life without hurting others, including myself. That I can finally grow the **** up and be the man God sees me as, not a coward trying to escape from life and causing misfortune along my way. That I can finally be the real me, without any additives.

It's strange.
So ******* weird.
I'm 43 years old
And am still getting bullied
People are ****** up
Especially my neighbor's upstairs
They have three kids
There are three adults
And all of them live in a one bedroom apartment
There is so much ******* noise it's not even funny
No one can make that much noise on accident
I understand kids will be kids
But there's stomping on the floor done on purpose
I went to her first and asked for them to tone it down
She gave me attitude and told me she has a freakin' one year old
Then I went to the landlord and the noise got worse
I called the cops on them and the noise diffently got worse
So I have to bend over and take it up the ******* ***
Why they ******* care I'm living down here and they're trying
To get my goat and make my life miserable
But the joke is on ******* them
For the most part I look the other way
They think it really bothers me, they are mistaken
I have dealt with ******* like these throughout my life
They're not ******* happy unless they make others unhappy
They're trying to get a rise out of me and I'm through with them
They can make all the noise they want
Their not my problem. They're so ******* pathetic it's funny
Maybe they want my apartment, I don't know
Or maybe they're just so ******* miserable they can't find
Anything constructive other than causing trouble
So I say **** them. They're nothing but dooshbags
And I laugh at ******* dooshbags.

Sending out a prayer to the Universe
Hoping my friend will survive cancer
He had it once before and beat it
Now it returns in full force
And wants to **** him
He's going through treatment
Very weak in his battle against it
I pray he won't give up
For he has been a treasure in my life
And in the lives of others
I pray this prayer find it's way
To the right force and cures his ails

The more Godlike I am, the more attuned I become.

To the ones I have hurt, I apologize for my transgressions
What a ******* fool I was, so ******* clueless about life
I bulldozed the ones I loved, causing so much oppression
Just because of the ******* selfishness I had inside
What a waste my life has been, turning away so many friends
Proving to others that I'm not to be trusted
I would steal your wallet and help you look for it
I would smile at you and then stab you in the ******* back
There was nothing meaningful in my world
just everything you owned and had
And then I wondered why I felt so ******* bad
I thought my life cursed but I set the ball rolling
choosing the darkness instead of the light
And then I wondered why I felt so ******* bad inside

What if I could turn back the wheels of time, start all over from the very
beginning, would I do life the same, letting the darkness control my every            
whim, or would I of let the light in?  The past usually tells me of the future I am destined for, it's like the opening up the door and venturing inside to a place where life blossoms love and happiness.   But the darkness takes hold,
trying to smother what was innocent and pure; from the very beginning it searches out the ones who aren't sure,
making a mockery out of the sunshine in one's little world; it has substance and depth, a whole whirldwind of chaos that plagues the heart and cause a ripple effect of hell's fury. No,
I wouldn't do life again.

I have come to realize that suffering and pain go hand in hand
The struggle is to make life as comfortable as can be
There is truth in finding a passage to honesty
And connect to hope that life really isn't a veil of tears

Simplicity is an art
Stillness hard to repeat
Facing a yearning heart
Quietness hard to release

Lost in the chaos
An image of a confused time
A feeling of misguided trust
Holding onto a verse of one's life

It's just another day.
a life filled with glum.
I search for the way,
no shine from the sun.
Ask and it will be done,
no fuss from everyone.
How important is it really,
when there is no fun?
The darkness has it's grip-
on the souls that are lost,
trying to fill the void-
at what expense and cost.
There seems like no hope,
just another soul been bought.
Can't find the right choice,
demons have my lot.

The power has died, nothing left in me.
No words to come by, hardly can't accept what I see.
What's the sins I have held onto, the loneliness is where I'll be?
For into the void of a heartless soul, the sun seems not to shine on me. I can't escape what I'm feeling, hell is a place I've created in my
Surroundings, and the final destination is a ****** up world.

I cut myself
so I won't cut you.
I watch myself bleed
and it hurts me
to think you got one over me
I cry myself to sleep
and let the blood drip
One more cut
One more feeling high
and I dream
of how much I want you to bleed

We sit so quietly
Looking at the t.v.
Listening to music on there
Letting the melodies ryhme
Why don't we have nothing to say?
Are we that insecure?
I'm too old to play games
That much I know for sure
It's a warm beautiful morning
And we're stuck inside
It rained the night before
So the ground is quite wet
We sit on uncomfortable furniture
And let the time pass by
Oh, how slow it is going
Because we have nothing to say
I like it when it is quiet
But this is too quiet that it is piercing
I wish I had something to talk about
But it's best to shut my mouth
And continue to listen to this music

There goes my sanity
Watch it go down the drain
No reason to beat a dead horse
Or maybe that's the answer for today
My will to preserve gets in the way
These instincts are running rampid
I try to find hope, exerting myself
But nothing seems like it's working
Maybe I need to do God's will

Here I am a cursing like it's going out of style
Like I can't write without using a curse word
It feels so good using bad language
Maybe I can get my point across better
I wonder if God condemns for fowl language
I really don't believe he finds it offensive
If he does then I'm going to hell
Cause I can't stop saying how I feel

At least there is truth to what I write
It may not be the best but it's my thoughts
And nobody can tell me how I should think
No one has a right to say how I should feel
Too many people trying to poison me
Trying to tell me what I should believe
What gives them the right to take away my hope?
What gives them the right to take away my faith?

It's all driving me crazy...

Why all the demands,
Can't you see I'm doing pretty good?
Can't you understand,
It's always the way it should be?
Can't you see,
We weren't meant to be,
But two souls trying to be free,
Free from our tyranny,
And the darkness imprinted on the inside?

Once, I kissed you forever
Meant it from my heart
Now things have changed
I don't want to part
And leave you stranded
In the middle of life's ocean
Can we remain friends forever
What are the odds
Can we play these games
And kiss each other goodnight
From across the way
I put a ring on your finger
You were lost for words
Said yes to a life together
Now things aren't the same
And I have left the nest
Wouldn't it be nice if we
Remained at our best
And stared into each other eyes
With love and adoration

Seeing so much in life
Has me wondering
It has passed the twilight
And reached the pit of my soul

I sit pondering
And try to find
An example of mystery
To listen to the heartbeat
Of society and reach out
Unselfishly...

Why do I even bother?
What is the hold up?

I turn away from the flames
Look into the heart of justice
If there be any love out there
May it find this black heart of mine

The time is now,
If not now, when?
So slothful,
No motivation whatsoever.
So proud,
But he hasn't done much of anything.
What is he proud of?
His life is in shambles,
Shouldn't he be working on himself,
Trying to get his head above water?
No, he'd rather lay around and stay lazy,
It has never worked out all the times before.
All it has done is cause trouble,
His mind races and he finds the trouble.
He sinks deep into it and revels in it.
Oh, wouldn't he be better if he stayed straight?

Take this anger
Take this rage
It's been pent up
Like a ******* tidal wave
Let it all ******* go
This world of chaos that's mine
For i have been insane
Lost in a world of ****
No course of happiness
Nothing remotely like it
Only stuck in my own grime
Let it all ******* go
And let the joy finally shine
Use everything negative
Turn it around for the better
Make a new ******* course
One of peace and kindness
Looking toward a new future
One that will enlightened others
And set others on a new footing
While I myself learn the right direction

It isn't no surprise
That I am  confined
To live in a life
Of misery
I have to break
The chains that bind
And find
The beauty in the sky
Heaven knows why
I play victims to all
Of the lies

I can't ******* understand others
I wish I had clarity from my brothers
No, one works in the automobile field
The other is a preacher full of zeal
Wants to save everyone he can see
But they don't want any parts of me

I look at cars passing by
All the hustle and bustle
I am not one who drives
My past is such a trustle
Digging a hole for future events
I'm the one who likes to ******* vent
And all this mechanics can **** ******* ****
Too many ******* around here that take stock
They like to blow **** up your pants
Burn the wheels and let's all dance

I'm not one to believe your belief
I have my own ******* values
They may not be what you'll have me to be
And what I say is, "*******!"
I"ve gone down that road before
And it didn't make any sense
Got ******* baptized caused I was confused
Out there in a world I ******* spent
Now I want blood, it's what I dream of
So many ******* I hate their god
It ain't worth trying to preach to me
I've seen it all on both sides of the ******* fence

I feel God shows up through people
What happens when there ain't no one showing up
It's all selfish and ego driven
People out there not caring about others
They are out for themselves
And they ******* say one thing and do another
So where is this ******* God I here about
I don't see it anywhere in others
No one is speaking the ******* truth
It's all ******* lies
Little ******* white lies that they think
It's okay to ******* tell me because it's not too bad
No. This ain't going to take me to hell
I'll be alright saying this to James
He ain't that important anyway
He ain't going to ******* mind
Besides, he's a ******* anyway
Where is this ******* God you talk about so much
You cry to me about your ******* problems
Thinking I can fix what so ******* bad with your stupid life
At least I'm trying to find something for real
And I haven't found it ******* yet
Apparently this ******* God doesn't show up through people
Well, anyway, he sure the **** hasn't been in your world
I have watched you and heard the things you've said
Just don't pretend you know something you have no clue about

I turned back
Wasn't there for you
I was in self  destruction mode
Not even thinking how I could help
But with your love
You wanted to help me
But didn't know how
And now you're gone forever
The cancer swallowed you up
And all you wanted was to see me again
See me through your loving eyes
That would of melted my heart
And made me hold your hand
I wish I was there for you
But all you wanted was to be
There for me

My identity isn't the same, no, it has been reshaped, molded into a creation it is today. Whether it is bad I couldn't say, it is what it is and life can always make me go insane. I try to live by principles but it isn't always the same, I make mistakes and have to find my way. I look unto the heavens but my feet are planted on the ground, I truly believe what comes around goes around. I think too much, sometimes I haven't had enough and life sure as **** can be rough but all in all the time has been good to me just as long as I live in simplicity

I heard so many things
Don't know what's what
I was suppose stand by your side
But I chose to run away
And change my life all over again
I can do that now
But I choose not to
It's better to face my fears
Than to split town
Something I've done
Throughout my life
When it gets too hard
I turn out to be a *******

Inside I'm weary
tired of all the *******
I can't see clearly
A lot of things don't makes sense

Why do I have to ******* complain?
It would be easier for me to shut my mouth
Is it me going ******* insane
Or the world trying to stop my mouth?

So much misery out there
I have it good to think about it
Do people really care
Or is it a sign to **** the innocent?

I struggle with happiness
I want it all from the start
Doesn't everyone deserves it
Or is it just a role to play the part

The day crashes over me
And I stare into the sun
I clearly can see
What I have become

It doesn't take a rocket scientist
To see I'm alone with my thoughts
Trying hard to expel the darkness
I've went through rounds when I fought

My life has become a blank slate
All I have is words on my mind
I have wondered how well I rate
But looking back I've lost ******* time

My shadow turns and run, I'm left trying to catch up with it. I'm feeling quite shy, out of place, like I don't quite belong with the world outside. I want to hide, bury my face in a pillow, not be bothered with by anyone. I want to feel a part of but where can I go that I can also remain invisible. I'd rather be by myself than take the chance, too much hurt and pain has me at a glance. I try reaching out for help but I'm left by myself, wondering if life is even worth going the extra mile. I hope things are okay but is it worth the while. I feel like I need a doctor, someone to put the pieces together, lock me up so I don't run away, and be indignant of others who were always there for me. There was my family, they tried to help but never really understood me. There were my friends, they thought I was seeking attention which was more of the truth. Society, who liked to make fun and ridicule me. Through it all I came out the other side still confused and losing my mind but it's not so much what I feel inside but what I do about it, trying to forget myself and help someone else out.

These times are difficult
For getting by is a struggle
I wonder how to stay afloat
For hitting bottom is easy
But I think of how truly blessed I am, the great people in my life. That I wake up sober and clean, spent too much time in that kind of a life and now I'm free. So the struggles and pains of the day cannot compare to the hell I put others
Through and myself. So I'm grateful for the life I'm leading today, it isn't exactly where I wanted to be at but the Universe has its sway.

There I lie, broken inside, a shell of a man with tear-
Stained eyes. All hope was just a flicker of light, gone-
As quickly as I cried. Finding out the truth wasn't a-
Relief, I think more of myself than I want to please. It-
Isn't hard to believe, that I curse myself not knowing-
What to believe. What right do I have to sit randomly
By, watching the world in full steam reaching out to-
Me, and all I want to do is scream.

It isn't hard to see
the man in the mirror
the boy I still am
watching the world
pass me by so quickly

Once scared
of different things
now I must move onward
despite the fears I have

For years I had a belief
never gave gratitude
a fair share

Always *******
Always complaining
praying for this and that
**** I should of never
been praying for to
begin with

I turned away
I walked away
I found life
seeing it at a
new and strange angle
a whole vibrant level

It's in mother nature
the beauty and chaos
It's in the darkness
It's in the light
It's in living
It's in dying
It's wonderful
and tragic
filled with a lot
of magic

Something is taken hold of me
An evil I don't want to let in
But it is here nonetheless
I want to hide from the darkness
I don't want to act on my thoughts
Or everyone I despise will be dead
I cringe to think of the devastation
A lot of blood would be spilled
I try to hold back these thoughts
Wondering if I'm extremely ill
No, it's this darkness surrounding my head
Wouldn't it be nice to sacrifice these ones who deserve it