It seems pointless to say what ever comes to mind,
I've uprooted people's lives, hoping to get ahead in life.
But what I really got was a slap in the face, what a disgrace-
the path I chose was misplaced and chaos judged me by my
ways, hurting so many throughout days and days, causing
pain in their hearts, I took part, crushing their spirits and
laughing inside because I got what I wanted. Selfish and self-
centered, not caring about others' souls, creating hell in their
lives. What a shame I've been, what a sin, a ******* fool withering
away in the wind.

Searching for the truth,
A man is ****** and timid.
A woman strong and sweet,
Like the scent of a rose;
We hold hands, poised effortlessly
Together we will find common ground,
If only we stay connected to our Source
Does it matter who wins the battle,
The war has gone on for way too long?
Each one bellowing to one another
Who's right? Who's wrong?
The day lingers on and on,
The sun sadly offers it's warmth.
The heartaches are futile,
No giving of one self, no longing
It matters nothing about status quo,
But all is better when love enters in,
And quelch the flames burning inside.

I make myself ******* sick
There is much to say and do
I look into the mirror
and I want to break through

Find out the real me
The me I want others to see

I'm so ******* selfish inside
I want to break the chains that bind
Cast away the hopeless pride
And find a new way of life

The world can't stop me now
The time to change is now

I want to be focused
No distraction my way
It feels like forever
Since love came my way

I look into the mirror
Now it has become clear
I was always thinking of myself
Never once did I think of someone else

I want to think about you
what I can do to help
I want to break through
and find my real self

There is a fine line to draw,
or do I even go there?
Temptation has me in it's grip,
and I want so badly to give in.
It's one thing to look, oh do I look,
but it's another thing to touch,
and make matters worse.
Is it an evil corrode,
a thread leading to despair,
or will I ever know,
how much of a puke I am?

Enter me
The spirit rises
The gods are watching
float away in the raft
The water rises
The lands are close at hand
And rescueing me is a tribute

What the hell am I searching for,
it seems like everything takes a back door?
I try things but things are too bleak,
what the hell is wrong with me?
I try to look at the beauty of things
but most of the time I'm thinking negative.
It isn't anything that you have done,
I'm just wandering under the sun,
and my attitude is **** poor.

Is this what I have to contend with,
marching along to a different beat?
Looking at things from the dark side,
wondering if it will ever be right with my life.
It isn't anything that you have done,
I'm just wandering under the sun.

I have everything to be grateful for,
but I truly don't know for sure,
what the hell am I after,
when the days seems like a lonely road to travel?
Where is all the support,
or did I make them all go away?
It isn't anything that you have done,
I'm just wandering under the sun,
and my attitude is **** poor.

I've been such an idiot
Thinking I can forgive you
I try to run through it
In my mind and there is no clue
Of how much you can be blind

I don't accept how things are
I've come too far to realize the
Truth gets blurred, trying
To reach from my gut and live
A better life

I don't need you to explain
What happened was insane
There isn't nothing you can say
That would make a change

I don't know that's why you are
Living on higher plain, but I say
**** your pretending of living
The "Right way".  It's all *******
Nonsense to me, I don't want your
Religion if that's how I'm going
To turn out to be

Coming face to face with myself
I stare into the mirror and don't
Like what I see. I want a better
Way of life, I want to feel at
Peace. Though many times I
Sabotage my structure I have
Built, I have to start all over
Again and try to make it this
Time without killing myself.
I see others who are happy
And joyful, I want what they
Have but if that means I have
To bow down to someone then
I don't want any part in it.
I have grown up in an
Atmosphere of do what I say
Not what you see, that has
Lead me to many questions
About where I fit in the scheme
Of things. I placed trying to
Belong so badly with the world
And the people in it I that it
Only caused my downfall. I
Turned my back on what I was
Taught was right, traveled down
A dangerous road of hell, demons
Had my soul, only to come out
Of it with an experience of what
Not to do. I played the victim for
So many years that it's a wonder
That anyone likes me, I would
Cry a river, sing the blues, every-
Thing looked dark and bleak that
Others didn't know what to do,
So they left me be. I found a way
Out that made sense to me, I no
Longer crave attention but rather
Give it to the ones who matter. I
Have stepped across the threshold
Into a new and wonderful way of
Life that needs no commitment but
Rather a little bit of effort on my
Part. It's called surrendering my
Inner being to a higher understanding
That I am not alone anymore, that
The Universe wants to hear from me
And all are beautiful in a beautiful sort
Of way.

It's hard enough to live
Without jumping from this bridge
Call it an original sin
One that can't be taken away
But sometimes the thought crosses my mind
And I wish for the ******* end
Though I know I have a purpose
Or I wouldn't still be here
I have tried to commit the act
Through other ways
But I have survived only by God's grace
Why I'm not really certain
I guess I'm not too much of a loser
And just have got lucky in that respect
There is a wall I have built
That a certain amount of people get in
Maybe I should open up this wall some more
And let a variety of people get to know me
That is if they would want to
And if not that's okay too
I won't try to judge this go around
I hope I won't get judged back
But if so that's okay too
I'm still just a freak
Freaking out half the time
I just don't want to lose my life
For stupidity anymore
It's better to let the darkness go

The night is beckoning for me to give in,
waiting to curse me with these temptations.
I try not to open the door and let these demons in
but it's easier said then done, and hope is a sin.
I wish upon love, knowing it comes to everyone
sooner or later but it seems like it won't venture
into this heart of mine.  I want this love to reach
deep down in my soul and expel the evil inside.
I pray like hell, trying to keep alert, knowing
I don't want to go backwards and cause more hurt.
Righteousness is just a dream for this man,
not knowing which way is up and always looking
down into the depth of this broken canvas.

Journey into another realm
Visions are at the helm
Crossing over to the other side
A being introduced to life

A burning couldron
Cascading a flame of disbelief
Intent on higher premises
Looking onward pass a dream

To the ones I have hurt, I apologize for my transgressions
What a ******* fool I was, so ******* clueless about life
I bulldozed the ones I loved, causing so much oppression
Just because of the ******* selfishness I had inside
What a waste my life has been, turning away so many friends
Proving to others that I'm not to be trusted
I would steal your wallet and help you look for it
I would smile at you and then stab you in the ******* back
There was nothing meaningful in my world
just everything you owned and had
And then I wondered why I felt so ******* bad
I thought my life cursed but I set the ball rolling
choosing the darkness instead of the light
And then I wondered why I felt so ******* bad inside

It's strange.
So ******* weird.
I'm 43 years old
And am still getting bullied
People are ****** up
Especially my neighbor's upstairs
They have three kids
There are three adults
And all of them live in a one bedroom apartment
There is so much ******* noise it's not even funny
No one can make that much noise on accident
I understand kids will be kids
But there's stomping on the floor done on purpose
I went to her first and asked for them to tone it down
She gave me attitude and told me she has a freakin' one year old
Then I went to the landlord and the noise got worse
I called the cops on them and the noise diffently got worse
So I have to bend over and take it up the ******* ***
Why they ******* care I'm living down here and they're trying
To get my goat and make my life miserable
But the joke is on ******* them
For the most part I look the other way
They think it really bothers me, they are mistaken
I have dealt with ******* like these throughout my life
They're not ******* happy unless they make others unhappy
They're trying to get a rise out of me and I'm through with them
They can make all the noise they want
Their not my problem. They're so ******* pathetic it's funny
Maybe they want my apartment, I don't know
Or maybe they're just so ******* miserable they can't find
Anything constructive other than causing trouble
So I say **** them. They're nothing but dooshbags
And I laugh at ******* dooshbags.

I awaken to a brand new day
May the universe hold true
And find it's way to my heart
I'm mostly an arrogant *******
No humility within my soul
I take so much for granted
And it's hard to let go
I find the wrong in situations
Not looking for beauty
And my mind is so negative
May the universe find it's sway
Help me to get through this day
And I will surely do my part
What that consists of only heaven knows
But if I look to the universe
Surely things will get better

There ain't much to ******* see
Just a lot of ******* in me
I can talk a good game
But really I'm ******* scared inside
Not enough ******* pride
Just used to getting stomped on
I feel so ******* torn
How am I suppose to act?
I like to ******* cuss
And is that so ******* bad?
I wasn't always this way
I grew up in a Christian home
But I went a different path
And turned my back on the
Ones who truly mattered
It wasn't an easy road
I chose my destiny
I played the victim
That everyone owed me
What the **** for?
I haven't done much
Worked here and there
I hadn't had enough
Of the ******* I brought
Into my ******* life
I pretty much
Wasted the **** away
Living with no ******* plans
No ******* hope in the day
How must I survive
When I am the one who
Has caused every problem
In my own little world

Most days I don't want to be an adult
I find it difficult to act the role
Wouldn't it be nice to be a child again
Innocent, not confined to anything
Playful, always wrapped around mother's arms
Feeling protected and secure of everything
But as a grown up it's not easy to be mindful
So many people try to push your buttons
How do you really act when others are being inconsiderate
When they don't even care about it either?
They think it's funny to be *******
They can care less about their actions
It's like life is one big party to them
Oh, well. They're going to do what they're going to do
And there is nothing I can say or do to make them stop
So I'm *******. I might as well come to grips with that

I've been baptized twice, and God himself couldn't save me when I wasn’t ready.

The time creeps on
Nothing is attainable
It all evoperates when we die
Kissed by the darkness through
Moments that we pray are divine
A shooting star is wished upon
The magic of the spheres are like
A new beginning at dawn
A cut, some blood
We are cleansed by the flood
Changing our attitude, our tune
Hoping and praying that death
Won't knock too soon

It's funny how life can be
With all the confusion and chaos
It throws obstacles at us
Trying to see how strong we are
Is the Universe on our side
Or does it even matter
Is karma out to make things better
Or does it even matter
Is God providing our well-being
Or does it even matter
Is it all part of our fate
Destined to reach the Stars
Or fall down deep in the mud
Can we pick ourselves up
And start anew
Is it our will power that makes it right
Or is it just all a dream
And when it's all over
We'll float away into nothingness
And never even remember our existence
Can we give all we can to others
And hope it's some form of penance
That it will matter in the end
And all the confusion and chaos
Will fall by the wayside
And we all can find freedom
Freedom from hate
That love does matter
And it's all part of a great play
That the Author will finally let us know
The greater good in the script
Because all this fighting and killings
Doesn't make sense and has to stop
I feel it starts with us
That we have to let others know
There is a greater good in life
And it's not about wars and triumph
But in peace and love

Save my ******* life please!
Does it need to be brought to attention,
Or am I so right to be in the dark?
Can I just move forward from here,
Or am I always going to pull the structure down?
That's been my ******* story for a lifetime
Not a clue why I do what I ******* do
Crazy and insidious thoughts run rapid in my ******* mind
And I drift away, lost forever out to ******* sea
Why doesn't someone ******* save me?

I have the cards of life displayed
On the table, the ace of spades
Has come up many times through
Out the years on this earth. I've
Tried to listen to the wind,
Ever telling me not to go down
A paticular road, but my instincts
Ran wild and I chose the wrong
Path, trying to get away with
Something, ever being the selfish
Martyr. I wanted your attention,
Your pity, hoping that you will
Feel sorry for me and I would
Justify my actions, saying that
It was just "boys being boys"

It isn't hard to see
the man in the mirror
the boy I still am
watching the world
pass me by so quickly

Once scared
of different things
now I must move onward
despite the fears I have

For years I had a belief
never gave gratitude
a fair share

Always *******
Always complaining
praying for this and that
**** I should of never
been praying for to
begin with

I turned away
I walked away
I found life
seeing it at a
new and strange angle
a whole vibrant level

It's in mother nature
the beauty and chaos
It's in the darkness
It's in the light
It's in living
It's in dying
It's wonderful
and tragic
filled with a lot
of magic

The more human I am, the more I need God.

Sitting by the wayside,
catching a glimmer of hope,
an inner voice, a calling,
telling me to climb this mountain,
and scream, "I want die alone."
It makes it to my lips,
but the clouds roll in,
darkening the morning sky.
Fear of the end,
comes across my mind,
and the words slip back inside.
Why, oh why,
the discretion?
If only I had courage,
like brave soldiers I see,
I would live my life so justly,
and stab the darkness in the heart.
But I can't climb this mountain all alone,
I need help to make it to the top.
I need a sword to stab the darkness,
and never make it a part of my life again.
So I can scream out from the mountaintop,
"This isn't the end of me!"

To find the truth
Is a little messy
What I fear the most
Is I'm exactly that guy
Who passes the buck

There goes my sanity
Watch it go down the drain
No reason to beat a dead horse
Or maybe that's the answer for today
My will to preserve gets in the way
These instincts are running rampid
I try to find hope, exerting myself
But nothing seems like it's working
Maybe I need to do God's will

Here I am a cursing like it's going out of style
Like I can't write without using a curse word
It feels so good using bad language
Maybe I can get my point across better
I wonder if God condemns for fowl language
I really don't believe he finds it offensive
If he does then I'm going to hell
Cause I can't stop saying how I feel

At least there is truth to what I write
It may not be the best but it's my thoughts
And nobody can tell me how I should think
No one has a right to say how I should feel
Too many people trying to poison me
Trying to tell me what I should believe
What gives them the right to take away my hope?
What gives them the right to take away my faith?

It's all driving me crazy...

I whisper
Not a sound around
Just my own voice
Carrying into the dark
I can't see
Just a lonely candle
Flame flickering in the wind
Trying to make my way
But the night is playing tricks on me
I come to a stop
The air is cold
The hair on my neck stands up
And my heart begins to race
I hear a sound off in the distance
Ever so slowly moving forward
Step by step it's coming my way
I can hear the breath
I turn around
Nothing is there
I turn around again
Nothing
Where can it be?
I feel a pain
A sharp throbbing ache
In my stomach
I look down
There is a knife sticking out
I fall to the ground
Blood pouring out
I wonder why
I can't see anything
Absolutely nothing
All I am allowed is to hear
A distant groaning sound
The pain is unbearable
The blood won't stop
Getting sleepy
I close my eyes
I die

And I tried giving you my love

But all you wanted was my

Money

Beauty is light bound
No darkness can smother it
It floats above everything else
There is always hope
Like a candle flickering in a breeze
The flame doesn't go out
The darkness can't breath
It has no choice but to disappear
Vanquished from the beauty

Beauty is majestic
It can't be anything else
No hate is in it's vocabulary
It's full of love and kindness
Glory flourishes in abundance
Finding our smiles as expressions of God
Giving life to the lifeless
Compelling to withstand all destructive forces

I turned back
Wasn't there for you
I was in self  destruction mode
Not even thinking how I could help
But with your love
You wanted to help me
But didn't know how
And now you're gone forever
The cancer swallowed you up
And all you wanted was to see me again
See me through your loving eyes
That would of melted my heart
And made me hold your hand
I wish I was there for you
But all you wanted was to be
There for me

These times are difficult
For getting by is a struggle
I wonder how to stay afloat
For hitting bottom is easy
But I think of how truly blessed I am, the great people in my life. That I wake up sober and clean, spent too much time in that kind of a life and now I'm free. So the struggles and pains of the day cannot compare to the hell I put others
Through and myself. So I'm grateful for the life I'm leading today, it isn't exactly where I wanted to be at but the Universe has its sway.

I hear the birds singing
Their melodies touches my heart
I go where the wind takes me
Farther down this road I tred
I have wished a lot of things
Thousand upon thousand times
I have prayed in different ways
And have gone overboard in my life

I reach out for you but you're gone
Vapor of loneliness hides the mask inside
I can't even dream of a better time
It's such a dark era in my life
I hurt so badly and just want to die
But the pain helps with the insanity
That goes through this mind
I hear only a faint whisper of you
And the rest of the sound disappears
I can't help but wonder where you are
Do you wonder where I drifted off to?
I see the dandilions waving in the wind
The smell of fresh cut grass tickles my nose
I fear all has passed away in the twilight of reason
And there is not a soul to touch this broken season
Cast out of the streets of happiness to a ghostly kind
Taken stock of what craziness one will find
And the threshold is an open book of words devine
But all is lost from the moment this thought perks up
And takes form into the very essence of dark light

The worse is love
Deadened by time
Wishing it was over
And the look is in our eyes
Finding excuses to run
No more fun
Just two lonely hearts
Becoming undone
All twisted up inside
The feeling is in our gut
Can't escape this rut
So it's time to call it quits
And move apart from here
Go our separate ways
Make time come clear
For it's better to be alone
Than to be together in misery

I need to really listen to others
Watch how they live
And act like them
It would be so ******* easy
To live a life of crime
Hell, I've lived a corrupted  life
Making others want to **** me
Beat the **** out of me
I don't ******* blame them
I thought I knew it all
I thought I could handle the street life
But all that did is harden my heart
And made me ****** at the world
******* world, what the **** did I ever do
To make the **** hit the ******* fan?
Can't you understand
I'm just a ******* phony living a lie
There's no way I could commit a crime
Maybe terrorist threats, talking a lot of ****
It would be better just to ******* fight
And get it done and over with
Come, take a swing at me and see what you get
I'll put my ******* face into your fist
Fall down and bleed all over the ground
Get up and run away from the action
Cause I'm just a ******* *****
And there is no attraction
No applause in what will take place
Someone could get seriously hurt
And that someone would probably be me
So I'll leave and turn away my face
Cause this is such a ******* disgrace

But the morbid thoughts that are in my head
I wish the whole ******* world  dead
I don't want to act out how I truly feel
One wrong word and I could **** you
That why I'm such a *****
I don't want to do a life bit
Maybe it's self-preservation
I don't know but it feels good to be
Outside of the prison system
I have so much freedom
It feels like a party inside my head
I'm in there ******* dancing to a beat
It feels so good I think I'll retreat
And follow after my ******* dreams
All it will take to ruin it all
Would be to act out on my brutality
And all would be a ******* waste
So much to do that I haven't done
Things I haven't seen
I want to make it all ******* real
But one wrong move could end it all
And people will truly see what I'm capable of
So am I truly a ******* *****
Or just trying to protect society
And keep a distance from the rage that's inside

These are the tears I've cried,
The temptation to lie,
Awake at night and trying to sleep,
it's hard to find the courage,
To recognize the hurt inside,
I've caused others and myself.

What if I could turn back the wheels of time, start all over from the very
beginning, would I do life the same, letting the darkness control my every            
whim, or would I of let the light in?  The past usually tells me of the future I am destined for, it's like the opening up the door and venturing inside to a place where life blossoms love and happiness.   But the darkness takes hold,
trying to smother what was innocent and pure; from the very beginning it searches out the ones who aren't sure,
making a mockery out of the sunshine in one's little world; it has substance and depth, a whole whirldwind of chaos that plagues the heart and cause a ripple effect of hell's fury. No,
I wouldn't do life again.

Is it destiny that has you in my life
Or is it just pure luck
I count the days we've been together
And wonder who really gives a ****
Are the stars aligned in our favor
Or is it just blind faith
That keeps us moving forward each day
Would people congratulate us
Is it really any if their concern
I feel it's better to leave it to trust
And keep the world at a distance
Watching our crosses burn
And make it worth while
To feel the power at a glance
Letting others know it is the way it is
How that happened can only be by chance
Or is it more than that

Slowly killing yourself
the pain seems inevitable
like clouds hiding the sun
you want to be somewhere else
but life had felt undone
You want the world
but the world doesn't want you
Life seems like it's falling to pieces
and there isn't much left to do
then to accept the inevitable
Pain, misery, it's all for you
you don't want anything else
then to feel so sorry for yourself
and cut deeply, making these wounds real