Sinking faster and faster into the mire
Dirt and grime covered my hands
No beauty to look upon, no dawn
No hope of ever leaving this place
The dark corners in this mind of mine
So many secrets I have hidden
Don't want them to see the light of day
I have ran away for far too long
It's time to stand on my own two feet
And stop with the lies that are bringing me down
I pay no attention to my gut feeling
Probably should, I wouldn't fall to pieces
If I put my trust in the direction of intuition
So much has to be unlearned for me to survive
I don't do life very well and haven't since I can remember
I need the help others or I'm going to sink
Deep down in the pit of despair that wants to **** me
I try to climb my way out from this dark hole
But I can't see what the hell I'm doing
There is no light shining on me
No burning bush I can see
Society wants me to behave in a certain way
But I'm so ******* tired of being someone I'm not
It's like leading a double life
I act one way to please you
And behind your back I'm someone else
The real person I should be
But I don't want to go there out in public
I'm more shy than anything else
But get to know me I can never shut the **** up
So why do I feel the need for your ******* approval
I beat myself up if I don't get liked
But what is it that makes me so insecure
Is it that I don't want to be an *******
Don't want to come off as a ******* *******
But in the end I pretty much bow down to you
And that's not how I want to live my life anymore
I try so hard to get away from the mire
I hold onto the truth things will be better off tomorrow
If I do what's right everything will fall into place
But I must not drift into obsessing  over your approval
It will all makes sense when the time comes
I'll be okay once the feelings are done
And I can seriously just drift away

I awaken to a brand new day
May the universe hold true
And find it's way to my heart
I'm mostly an arrogant *******
No humility within my soul
I take so much for granted
And it's hard to let go
I find the wrong in situations
Not looking for beauty
And my mind is so negative
May the universe find it's sway
Help me to get through this day
And I will surely do my part
What that consists of only heaven knows
But if I look to the universe
Surely things will get better

I need to really listen to others
Watch how they live
And act like them
It would be so ******* easy
To live a life of crime
Hell, I've lived a corrupted  life
Making others want to **** me
Beat the **** out of me
I don't ******* blame them
I thought I knew it all
I thought I could handle the street life
But all that did is harden my heart
And made me ****** at the world
******* world, what the **** did I ever do
To make the **** hit the ******* fan?
Can't you understand
I'm just a ******* phony living a lie
There's no way I could commit a crime
Maybe terrorist threats, talking a lot of ****
It would be better just to ******* fight
And get it done and over with
Come, take a swing at me and see what you get
I'll put my ******* face into your fist
Fall down and bleed all over the ground
Get up and run away from the action
Cause I'm just a ******* *****
And there is no attraction
No applause in what will take place
Someone could get seriously hurt
And that someone would probably be me
So I'll leave and turn away my face
Cause this is such a ******* disgrace

But the morbid thoughts that are in my head
I wish the whole ******* world  dead
I don't want to act out how I truly feel
One wrong word and I could **** you
That why I'm such a *****
I don't want to do a life bit
Maybe it's self-preservation
I don't know but it feels good to be
Outside of the prison system
I have so much freedom
It feels like a party inside my head
I'm in there ******* dancing to a beat
It feels so good I think I'll retreat
And follow after my ******* dreams
All it will take to ruin it all
Would be to act out on my brutality
And all would be a ******* waste
So much to do that I haven't done
Things I haven't seen
I want to make it all ******* real
But one wrong move could end it all
And people will truly see what I'm capable of
So am I truly a ******* *****
Or just trying to protect society
And keep a distance from the rage that's inside

to much fightin'
to much lootin'
I fear the worse
images of a hearse
heading down the highway
and I wonder who's dead today
The pressure explodes inside my head
reality is what I dread
Can't seem to face the ******* fact
to many people want to kiss ******* ***
They want to please everyone
they want to shine brighter than the sun
I'm not one to ******* care
I'd rather be somewhere else than there
I watch the news with a smoke in my mouth
giving the t.v. the finger cause I can't figure it out
wondering why this and that person had to die
I've taken chances all throughout the rainy nights
I should of been dead a long time ago
but now it's time to take it slow
and get on with life as it suppose to be
being grateful that it's not ******* me

The night is beckoning for me to give in,
waiting to curse me with these temptations.
I try not to open the door and let these demons in
but it's easier said then done, and hope is a sin.
I wish upon love, knowing it comes to everyone
sooner or later but it seems like it won't venture
into this heart of mine.  I want this love to reach
deep down in my soul and expel the evil inside.
I pray like hell, trying to keep alert, knowing
I don't want to go backwards and cause more hurt.
Righteousness is just a dream for this man,
not knowing which way is up and always looking
down into the depth of this broken canvas.

I search out my flaws, the make-up in my inner being,
The essence of life, love and liberty. I find so much hope
In what I see, nature's way of telling me all will be well.
I have so much pain, and I wrestle with God in a every-
Day occurrence, wanting this and reaching for that
But knowing in my heart that he has my back. I should
Of been lying in the marble orchid long ago but
What ever the reason I'm not is a blessing, it has
Taught me a valuable lesson of why I should live
By principles and not my selfish means.  I rejoice
In the gift of giving, whatever I can do for someone
Else is freedom in my mind. I only give a little but
Even that makes the darkness that much scared,
Frightened by the goodness in our hearts and when
I look around I can see the joy in people's eyes,
Holding true in the way they live and it makes me
estatic with a great deal of gratitude.

How can I make you see me that i'm not
Really a *******, though it feels that
Way in my heart? I try really hard to please
You but haven't done so yet, whatever i've
Said and done to deserve your evil stare
I'm sorry, what can I do to set matters
Right? Even though I tend to be really
Selfish at times, I do care about you.
I don't mean to be such an *******,
Life has been really ******* me or I've
Made life really hard for myself. Either
Way i'm trying to make life beautiful
Again, you know, when we were kids
And everything seemed such an
Adventure, until life came along and
Cut us down. It was such a mystery back
Then, full of hope and faith, love came
Ten folds and the sun seemed to shine
All day long. What happened to us as we
Grew older? so much baggage we have
With this Relationship that I can't take it
Anymore. Will it ever be right? I don't
Know but if I don't ever change my
Attitude nothing will change and life
Will always remain the same. Why
Don't you Join me in the journey?

There is a fine line to draw,
or do I even go there?
Temptation has me in it's grip,
and I want so badly to give in.
It's one thing to look, oh do I look,
but it's another thing to touch,
and make matters worse.
Is it an evil corrode,
a thread leading to despair,
or will I ever know,
how much of a puke I am?

I walked around the city I'm new in
Looking for the post office
So I could get a money order
For my new landlord
Here and there people I did see
But most the traffic was on the streets
I had to pay close attention to walking across a street
Lest I get run down by a speeding vehicle
So many people in their cars and trucks
Racing to a destination that will still be there
Even if they slowed down a little bit
But who am I? Not a person with driver's license
My means of transportation are my feet
And it's been that way for a long time
Do I want to drive? Sure I do, who wouldn't?
I've been told it's a freedom like no other
To be able to get up and go
And go anywhere in this great Country of ours
I would be a fool to not want to experience that
But I have always known no other way
Could it be I'm just scared of change
Scared of the unknown
Scared to take a risk
Just maybe everything will turn out okay
And I can begin to know the freedom of what they talk about

These are the tears I've cried,
The temptation to lie,
Awake at night and trying to sleep,
it's hard to find the courage,
To recognize the hurt inside,
I've caused others and myself.

The worse is love
Deadened by time
Wishing it was over
And the look is in our eyes
Finding excuses to run
No more fun
Just two lonely hearts
Becoming undone
All twisted up inside
The feeling is in our gut
Can't escape this rut
So it's time to call it quits
And move apart from here
Go our separate ways
Make time come clear
For it's better to be alone
Than to be together in misery

I come to this place of solitude
The desire is in my mind
I write something about life
Something about you
The words aren't always precise
It's just how I feel at the time
And there stands a thin line
Between what's not Tue and is
Most of my writings are true
But the feeling is different
Not the same as I felt back then
It's like I have a new pair of glasses
And can see clearly in hindsight

I have the cards of life displayed
On the table, the ace of spades
Has come up many times through
Out the years on this earth. I've
Tried to listen to the wind,
Ever telling me not to go down
A paticular road, but my instincts
Ran wild and I chose the wrong
Path, trying to get away with
Something, ever being the selfish
Martyr. I wanted your attention,
Your pity, hoping that you will
Feel sorry for me and I would
Justify my actions, saying that
It was just "boys being boys"

The more human I am, the more I need God.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all were free

no ******* inside of us

So much baggage we all have

The past hasn't been pleasant

If we could only turn back time

and undo the things we have done

It would be so much nicer

and we all would feel connected

There would be no reason for hate

because we would all feel as one

Save my ******* life please!
Does it need to be brought to attention,
Or am I so right to be in the dark?
Can I just move forward from here,
Or am I always going to pull the structure down?
That's been my ******* story for a lifetime
Not a clue why I do what I ******* do
Crazy and insidious thoughts run rapid in my ******* mind
And I drift away, lost forever out to ******* sea
Why doesn't someone ******* save me?

Is it that I am a freak, a ******* fool to believe-
That I can control the future in any way. Whisk-
Me away and don't let the pain ***** my heart.
I want to destroy the past, tear down the walls-
That have stopped my progress on this path.
Seeking what is right but I fall short, down the-
Rabbit hole I go, seeking the reaper to let me know-
What the **** am I fighting for?  It's like he holds-
The keys, to the man I was to be, and there is no-
Escape from the hell I put myself through.

Now the beast comes out, looking to ******* ****-
The shackles that's bringing me down, break free-
From the darkness inside of me, the animal that's-
Trying to come out and make things worse than-
What they ought to be. I fight, I curse, I want it to-
Hurt, and I want you to hurt with me. What a-
******* fool I truly am, to believe that I can-
Sneak away, slither away, like a snake upon the-
Desert floor, letting the beauty in my life just-
Slip away, all because of the beast within.

It's hard enough to live
Without jumping from this bridge
Call it an original sin
One that can't be taken away
But sometimes the thought crosses my mind
And I wish for the ******* end
Though I know I have a purpose
Or I wouldn't still be here
I have tried to commit the act
Through other ways
But I have survived only by God's grace
Why I'm not really certain
I guess I'm not too much of a loser
And just have got lucky in that respect
There is a wall I have built
That a certain amount of people get in
Maybe I should open up this wall some more
And let a variety of people get to know me
That is if they would want to
And if not that's okay too
I won't try to judge this go around
I hope I won't get judged back
But if so that's okay too
I'm still just a freak
Freaking out half the time
I just don't want to lose my life
For stupidity anymore
It's better to let the darkness go

Burning
Turning
A blast of the past
Hitting home
Almost nearly alone
Too much pressure
Driving me insane
Can't play the game
When I unlock this door
I let the demons out
Life is full of doubt

Being human
Ain't so perfect
Look into my eyes
And see the pain
I've cried about
I just want to shout
Throw a fit
How can I ever get over this?
The anger rages on
And I feel like I'm running out of time
The days are numbered
And I need to make them count for something

Show a little bit more love
Trying hard not to get frustrated and angry
Life is too short
And I have wasted a lot many hours
Trying to play the actor
Fitting everyone neatly in my own little world

Slowly killing yourself
the pain seems inevitable
like clouds hiding the sun
you want to be somewhere else
but life had felt undone
You want the world
but the world doesn't want you
Life seems like it's falling to pieces
and there isn't much left to do
then to accept the inevitable
Pain, misery, it's all for you
you don't want anything else
then to feel so sorry for yourself
and cut deeply, making these wounds real

Is it the silence of all remains of civilization,
willowing their thoughts on the threshold-
of humanity, crying to be born out of-
the crest of creation?

Or is it the soft penetrating sounds of-
birds chirping, singing in their-
harmonious tone, nesting on the-
foundation of what is love?

For if you cannot find peace within-
yourself, there is no reason to look-
somewhere else. For to look is like-
a withering flower, crying to be born-
out of the pedestals of society.

It was nothing I ******* said really
Just an excuse for you to *****
I hear what you're saying but don't mind
It's all ******* most of the time

I feel like punching you in the worse way
I can't believe you and what you say
There's no reason why you can't stop
The way down is a huge drop

I'll take you out to the shed
Show you what's inside this head
It will get ugly because I've had enough
Why can't you ever shut the **** up!

I see the words right in front of my face
They are calling me to write them down
But I can't put them all together
Too much information all bunched up
I calmly take a breath
And put pen to paper
I start writing
And a flood of emotions come out
I write about my life, about the past
Hoping someone can relate to me
I can see how it all fits together
I look at what I wrote
Surveying the words
They become like magic on paper
And  I am enlightened.

Is it destiny that has you in my life
Or is it just pure luck
I count the days we've been together
And wonder who really gives a ****
Are the stars aligned in our favor
Or is it just blind faith
That keeps us moving forward each day
Would people congratulate us
Is it really any if their concern
I feel it's better to leave it to trust
And keep the world at a distance
Watching our crosses burn
And make it worth while
To feel the power at a glance
Letting others know it is the way it is
How that happened can only be by chance
Or is it more than that

I've been down a bumpy road
But it has only made me shine
Knowing how I must live
It's not with the taking but
How I give in life

I would like to feed the hungry
Give lots of money to the poor
I don't get hungry like the next
Guy and could take a meal to
Someone.  I don't have lots of
Money but can I can give away
Some change

I feel it's more so on how I act
Trying hard not to be selfish
Today.  A smile goes a long way
When it's directed at someone
To watch them light up is a
Good feeling

I can give love

Love for my family, love for my friends
Love for nature, and the good things in life
Having positive thoughts for others
And hoping all stays well, whether toil
And strife

What the ****
Get hit by a truck
That would be my luck
I feel stuck
Pass the buck
And let me die alone
In this old age home
So ****** of what I've sown
It ain't much to be shown
Take the razor to my wrist
And let the note be my final list
Of the **** I should of done
No more wishing under the sun
It has always been number one
Can't find no woman to ***
Has it always been this way
I just want to forget these days
And hope very soon I decay

You ever get the feeling of erasing everything you
Ever wrote and start all over again?
Your world changes and something enters in
And lets you know whatever was bothering you
At that time doesn't really matter in light of things
So much importance on loving the ones that matter
And try to let others in even for a brief moment
And experience the essence of life and love
Hatred does no good, it only rots the spirit
I've spent too much time on expressing my anger
Maybe that's not the way to go, there is no reward
Just suffocating my heart and I can't catch any air
I want to toss all the anger aside and focus my
Attention on the principles of life; like love, honesty
Purity, and unselfishness. The world would be a
Much peaceful place if others stopped with the
Fighting, whether on the streets or in the home,
It would be a much brighter arena if others just
Really truly understood that we are all connected.

Searching for the truth,
A man is ****** and timid.
A woman strong and sweet,
Like the scent of a rose;
We hold hands, poised effortlessly
Together we will find common ground,
If only we stay connected to our Source
Does it matter who wins the battle,
The war has gone on for way too long?
Each one bellowing to one another
Who's right? Who's wrong?
The day lingers on and on,
The sun sadly offers it's warmth.
The heartaches are futile,
No giving of one self, no longing
It matters nothing about status quo,
But all is better when love enters in,
And quelch the flames burning inside.

You asked me why
And I told you why
We've ran our course
Now it's time to move on
Being in love is exciting
But I know I wasn't there
I understand you were
And that's more than okay
But I was so distant
Not happy where I was
So many times I let you know
That this wasn't going to work out
But you wanted to hold on for dear life
Not letting the situation run it's course
I feel for you, hoping you can understand
That being in a relationship should mean something
But it didn't mean all that much to me
Now you're angry and I don't blame you
I practically have wasted your time
In which it could of been spent else where
Now you want to start trouble
And that's where I draw the line
I can't help the way I didn't feel for you
We were both infatuated with each other
Lust was a big issue for the most part
After getting to know you I really
Didn't like what I was seeing
There was too many things that weren't right
I'll be honest and say I felt sorry for you
But even pity had a way of biting me in the ***
You had no place to go at the time
Just moved your things into my home
And you over stayed your welcome
What is it with women moving their things
In a man's home without asking?
It doesn't serve no purpose
Especially when we are just getting
To know each other, yes, the ***
Is good but even that doesn't hold
A relationship together. Or whatever
You want to call it. I call it plain insanity

The day is flawed
No time for you
The answers are raw
Letting the hours slip askew

You want to be by my side
It seems like 24 seven
The day isn't saying much
Only to touch a part of heaven

I want to tell you everything is okay
But you can see the truth in my eyes
I reach for divinity in the day
Only to find hell by my side

In the ruins of the night,
the raindrops cover my eyes,
an exchange for what's within,
hiding the tears from my eyes.

There is tranquility in the dark,
hope fading away in the sea,
a hollow soul from the start,
a deadness is a part of me.

Shallowness finds the empty heart,
wallowing in a pool of blood,
a vast realm playing the part,
only there is nothing to dream of.

It's very hard to relax,
stillness seems out of reach,
the lightning and thunder clash,
and love is hard to repeat.

Finding what's right-
Is a very long road to endure,
the haunting past is precise,
taking away values at the door.

Here I stand to defend-
The way it has become,
realizing all will end,
as I stare into the sun.

A hollow soul.
A deadness.

The beauty lies within
And seemingly outside the realm
Of unexpected experiences
It is there I find hope
A better way of life
By looking back into my past
And realizing it wasn't worth it
But sometimes it was a happy
Medium to a place I like to call darkness

The more humble I am, the more Godlike I become.

I hear the birds singing
Their melodies touches my heart
I go where the wind takes me
Farther down this road I tred
I have wished a lot of things
Thousand upon thousand times
I have prayed in different ways
And have gone overboard in my life

Can I fuss?
Love to ******' cuss
What's my name?
Drugs have my brain
Lost my mind an hour ago
Trying to get it back
But where did I misplaced it?
It's odd and strange
Trying to get down with the beat
But I've lost my ******' way
Can't find the tune to my feet
I'm bouncing up and down
Excitement has me flying high
I've tried to leave this town
But it ain't letting me go
Too much about the night
I've heard the sounds
The wolves calling after me
There I can't see
No parts to be
Blind to this world
It hurts my guts
And there I can't fuss
Why I am so blunt?
Smoke it up
Lose the attitude
Collapsed my heart
With blood on my hands
Tortured soul becoming free
The last on the reaper's list
Slice my wrist
Take me away
I can't see
What's the ******* point?
Lost in ******* weeds
Roll one up
And smoke that tree
It doesn't affect me
I ain't going to object
Life is ******* funny
And I am a creature of habit
I clear away the debris
With a machine gun
I feel the night terrors
The animal inside of me

I couldn't help but to say goodbye
It was time for us to part
I went about it the wrong way
I know I left a hate I can't cure

It just made me a ****
To fall for someone else
Thinking I could find happiness
By leaving you behind

I left you out in the cold
Not knowing what would become of you
Karma got me back
Cause my life wasn't the same

It was wrong of me
So very wrong of me
I dreamed about you
Only to wake without your touch

Love lost and love unfound
I wasn't mature enough
An ******* to the extreme
I ended up empty handed

No love for me
Would it of ever happen with us?
I can't answer that question now
Cause I ******* left you out in the cold

It came to my attention
How much hard life can be
When I was very young
It was hard to see
All I wanted was to be older
Now that I am older
I want to be younger again
I would of done things differently
I would of enjoyed life better
I would of said better things
Made life simpler
I would of listened better
And done the right things
Instead, I chose the wrong path
Went my separate way
Ended up in trouble
Addicted to so many things

I chose to change my ways
Get a better perspected on life
Change my attitude and outlook
Show others I'm a different man
I no longer want to go back
To the place where I was
It was a dark place
Filled with hate
No love in me
Not for anyone
Now I do really care
For my friends and family
There was a time
When they didn't want
Anything to do with me
Changing is so much wiser
Than living a hallow life

Once again I became ****** up
Didn't want to but nobody held a ******* gun to my head
I was asked if I wanted a mix drink
And I said sure why not
Why the **** do I relapse all the time?
Something is stopping me moving forward
And making a good life for myself
I forget how much I drank to be honest
I ******* drank a lot
Then to add on top of it I just took my afternoon psyche meds
Anyway, I blacked out later on through the day
I came to with my next door neighbor ******* my ****
I didn't ask him to do that
I pushed him aside and grabbed my cds and ran outside
I went to my place and passed out again
Now all these ******* emotions are coming to the surface
I want to run away and forget it all
I want to drink over this so badly but I know I can't
Once again alcohol has left a bad memory in my heart
If only I didn't go over to his place
If only I didn't drink way too much
Now I can see the child within myself
Crying to find some ******* closure
Asking my older brother why
Asking my next door neighbor why
Now it's all falling to pieces
I can let it take me
But I am going to ******* survive
I'm not going to let it beat me
No, I am going to ******* beat this
And come out on the other side a better man