Morning afters are always
Idyllic; breezy, balmy, slow.
Blue sky highways
White clouds completing the tableau.

Morning afters are quiet
Sleepy cuddles and kisses
While butterflies riot
Deep in your insides.

Morning afters are filled
Full up; a carnival mix bag of treats
Feelings of contentment and thrill
Yet somehow full of deceit.

Morning afters are never
What they seem
Peel past the bucolic exterior
And it's merely a vanishing dream.

Today my glow is dim and my feet leave marks in their stead
I can't seem to stir from my bed
There is much to accomplish but my back I turned
To lie in the cooler spot I'd just vacated
My body is limp and my thoughts are rumpled
Unmoved by the sunlight high overhead

Today I can't seem to get anything straight
I lie sticky in sweat and tears, clothes long shed
The fan whirls but no breeze is created
In this staleness I marinate
Wishing for the sun to set
And my energy to reinstate

Today I felt every second of time as it ticked
Slowly bleeding out of my consciousness as I napped
Dreaming fitfully of unpleasant feelings twisted and red
I want to reach out for another's lead
But there was no conviction in my hand
So I stayed

Today I wondered about what was wrong with me
And how this lifeless version came to be

You light cigarette after cigarette
In this dark room
Single occupancy only
The smoke dissipating into the musk
The room is bare
Table chair ashtray you
The cigarettes never run out
The ashtray never fills

You want to stand and leave
Step out that door that sits ajar
Letting in the merest sliver of light
Through which you glimpse
Familiar faces you can't quite place
Calling for you in voices
Hushed concerned brave bright
The people pass
Their sounds fade

You feel weighted down
Bound to this chair
With stiff leaden limbs
It seems like you've been here before
Yet this cell is unfamiliar
How did you end up here
Capture accident own free will
The cigarette burns to ash
The ash crumbles to dust

There is no time or space here that you can sense. The room is getting comfortable and somehow you no longer feel that pressing need to leave. Did you have an existence beyond these countless cigarettes? The memories flee your grasp, and your thoughts are slowly going...e v e n w  o  r  d  s d   o   n   't   f    o    r    m     a     n     y     m    -

Behind my closed lids lights strobe
The flickering of the streetlamp
Or the twinkle of the stars
Perhaps the uneven thump of my heart
Echoing the throb of your veins
Reverberating in my head upon your arm
This racing that belies our even breaths
Mingling in the cold sea breeze
That is charged with more than silence
Broken by a sudden salvo across the ocean
Lights blossom in the darkness
Reflecting in the inky waters
The brilliance is startling
As the night sky is painted in colours
So is this night we are sharing.

There are words I can't pen down
So inadequate at expressing all these
Thoughts and feelings so deep
I drown

There are songs I wish would come
An entire orchestra in symphony
Every bell and whistle you resonate in me
And then some

There are things I can't accomplish
My body awkward and clumsy
Inconsistent with my muse
From start to finish

There are places I can't follow you to
Your personal mazes mired in chasms
So deep and dark
The light can't break through

There's so much found wanting in me
Yet there is so much I want
To laugh at your side carelessly
And hold your hand when ghosts come to haunt
I can't be everything you need me to be
Not yet, but give me the chance

Some days it's easier
To look at the things I found joy at
And dredge up that selfsame laughter

Other days I have to dig deeper
To get past this unnamed sadness
In this ravine that seems to get steeper

But these long days get shorter
Filled with company I loath to leave
Beloved friends who show me what matter

This is the boy who never
Made it to full size
Taught to stay still by the hour
Before he came to our sides.

This is the boy whose hair
You'd never see an equal to;
Shades of white, and brown and copper
Even in his cropped 'do.

This is the boy who never
Learned any tricks
Content to bask behind his leader
Savouring life in small sips.

This is the boy whose silence
Was taken as giddiness
Although he hardly missed the chance
To indulge in cheeky business.

This is the boy who never
Wanted for anything all his life
Until that unhappy misadventure
When he learnt of death.

This is the boy whom
We have loved faithfully
Cuddled close to our *****
Our cherished Christmas baby
Don't leave yet; it's too soon
We're not yet ready.